The Energizer Pussy

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In Chapter 6 of LEGS, Episode 3, after his mother is kidnapped, homicide detective Bernie Keko calls his ex, private eye Carrie Love for help. Meanwhile, Carrie's girlfriend Laura Lang gets ready to shoot a porn film which involves an electronic device up her cooch ...


INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s cell phone CHIRPS.
She looks at it. Alarmed.

CARRIE
Excuse me.
I gotta take this.
It’s urgent.
(gets up, walk away, into the phone)
Bernie.
What’s up with the nine-one-one?
Are you okay?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BERNIE’S UNMARKED SEDAN - DAY
Bernie sits behind the wheel
talking on his cell.

We see out the window that
he’s at the curb near the park.

BERNIE
My mother’s been kidnapped.

CARRIE
WHAT? When? Where? WHY?
Your father doesn’t have any money --

BERNIE
He does now.
He just won the lottery,
and now some scumbag got my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Okay, okay. Calm down.
We’ll get her back.
Was there a ransom note?

BERNIE
No. They scrawled a message
on the fridge saying they’d
call later with their demands.
And they also said ‘no cops,’
or they’d HURT her.

CARRIE
Kidnappers always say that,
you know.

BERNIE
I know, I know --
but this is my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Take a deep breath.
I’m with you.
Where are you?

BERNIE
Down the street from his house.
I don’t wanna go in
in case they’re watching it.

CARRIE
Hey.
Meg lives right around the corner.

BERNIE
You want to use HER place
as a base of operations?

CARRIE
Hey. You know what they say.
When life gives you a lemon,
make lesbianade

BERNIE
What if she’s on duty?

CARRIE
I have a key.

BERNIE
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

CARRIE
Listen, if you want me to help you,
you gotta lay off that shit.
Meg’s very important to me,
and you’re just gonna have to
deal with it, okay?

BERNIE
Okay. I’m sorry. I’m upset.
We can use all the help we can get.

CARRIE
That’s right.
And don’t you forget it.
I’ll be right there.
(hangs up, to Nate and Todd)
Sorry, greedy younger siblings.
I gotta split.

TODD
What the hell?
You can’t just leave.

CARRIE
Oh, yes I can.
My ex-husband’s mother was just kidnapped.
I think that’s a lot more important
than picking over my dead father’s bones.
(to Bob)
You’ll reschedule?
Have your people call their people?

BOB
Of course. Go. Hurry.

CARRIE
Thanks.
(to Todd and Nate)
Love you.
Don’t mean it.
Let’s not do lunch.

She strides out the door.
SLAMS it behind her.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set
which looks like a space ship.
This is a porno with a budget.

Laura lies on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic,
rubber and vinyl.

KLAUS
Take number four and five
up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
You want it brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.

LAURA
Can we get started?
This costume is cold and clammy
like George Micheal in a public toilet.

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to the sound man)
Give me some MUSIC.

SOUND MAN (O.S.)
The hills are alive, mein fuhrer.

Some obscure 80’s Euro-synth-pop song
starts playing, LOUD.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my RIDING CROP.
(to a PA)
The DRY ICE.
Start the DRY ICE.

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.
Klaus smiles.

Hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS
This one controls the amps,
this one controls the watts --
and this one is for
the frequency modulation.

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks.
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes. She’s ANGRY. That HURTS.
But it feels so GOOD.
(throws up his arms)
Speed. Camera. And -- ACTION.