Fuck You Money

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In Chapter 4 of Episode 3 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love meets with her brothers Todd and Nate and their attorneys about her father's will. Due to her 'bad behavior,' Carrie was disinherited ... but after she reconciled with her father right before his death, he told her he changed his mind, so he destroyed the will. Problem is, now her brothers want all the money for themselves ...


INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The theme from The Good, The Bad & The Ugly over --

A burnished, glossy, airbrushed joint
out of a Glenn Close wet dream.

Todd and Nate sit in plush chairs
on one side of the table with their ATTORNEYS,
a pair of stone-faced, smooth-looking hawks.

CARRIE’S ATTORNEY,
a big, jovial-looking fellow
sits on the other side with Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was my date with destiny.
Or her child, at least.
I was about to go head-to-head
with my younger brothers.
‘Awkward’ doesn’t begin to cover it.
I felt like Richard Simmons
at a Chick Fil-A opening.

Todd glares at Carrie
with utter contempt.
A vein on his temple throbs violently.

Nate looks stiff and awkward.
Maybe it’s because of the suit
he’s not used to wearing.

JACK HASSIG (60), Todd’s attorney,
tall and thin with a grey brush cut
the same shade as his suit smiles at Carrie.

Big eyes bulging
to the point of almost exploding.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Get aload of this guy.
‘Bug-eyed much?’
Better lay off the Red Bull, buster,
or your head’s gonna explode.

JACK
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Love.

CARRIE
'Ms. Love,' please.
Get with the program.
We got equal rights
back in the seventies, remember?
Gloria Steinem? Susan Sontag?
We fought hard for that 'Ms.'

JACK
I’m sorry, Ms. Love.

SAUL BRAUNSTEIN (30’s), Nate’s attorney,
a young turk, slick in Armani
tries to hide his Dick Cheney-like sneer.

SAUL
We’re glad you could make it this time.

CARRIE
Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
It isn’t every day I get
to see my darling brothers.
Cue the Hallmark Moment.

BOB BALL (50), Carrie’s attorney
looks around the room.

BOB
So I gather the reason for this meeting
is to negotiate exactly how much Carrie
is going to get from her father’s estate?

JACK
That would be correct.

BOB
Well, I must say, I’m confused.
Carrie told me that
the last time she saw her father --
when they reconcileed after not seeing
or speaking to each other for ten years --
he said he wished there was something
he could do to change his will.

JACK
Edgar Love had an irrevocable trust,
which could not and cannot be changed,
so that statement was moot.

BOB
That may be true, but Carrie
also informed me that a signed,
original copy of his will was never found.

JACK
We’re still searching the files
in our off-site storage facility.
I’m sure a signed original will turn up.

BOB
But if it doesn’t, then the estate
is to be equally divided amongst his heirs.

SAUL
If you try and pull that,
we’ll bury you in legal actions for years.
(to Carrie)
Can you afford a lengthy trial, Miss Love?

CARRIE
It’s MS. Love, jacksass.
Of course I can’t.
(to Bob)
What the fuck?

BOB
Shhh. Let me handle it.

JACK
We’re prepared to offer MS. Love
five-hundred thousand dollars as a settlement.

CARRIE
Five-hundred K?
You gotta be fucking KIDDING me.
That’s not ‘fuck you money.’
(to Bob)
They’re gonna get ‘fuck you money.’

BOB
(puts his hand on her arm)
Gentlemen. Do you realize how
ludicrious your offer is?
You’re proposing that Todd and Nate
each get eight million,
and their older sister
one-sixteenth of that?
That’s positively insulting.
Not to mention the fact
that taxes will take half of it.

CARRIE
I don’t understand why we can’t just
divide it into three equal shares.
(to Nate and Todd)
That would the civilized thing to do.
Remember civilization?
You don’t need to wear the bear skin
and carry a club anymore.

TODD
If I had my way,
you wouldn’t get one red cent.
I worked for him, YOU didn’t.

CARRIE
We’ve gone over this,
Mr. Short Attention Span.
You got FIRED, remember?
(beat)
Look. The last thing our father
said to me was he wished there was a way
he could give me something.
Can’t you see he figured
out a way to do it?
He destroyed the original will.
Brilliant move, I must say.

TODD
He didn’t destroy it.
We’re gonna find it.

CARRIE
(to Nate)
And you’re okay with this, Judas?
I mean Nate?

Nate looks down.
Fidgeting in his chair.

SAUL
Nate is acting on the advice of counsel.

CARRIE
(to Nate)
So that’s it.
The silent treatment?
I was the only one that played with you
when you were a little kid, remember?
Does money mean more than family?

BOB
(to Jack and Saul)
I must say I’ve never seen anything
like this in thirty years of praticising law.

Carrie shakes her head.
Looks out the window.

CARRIE
(under her breath)
Where’s John Grisham when you need him?