The Element Of Surprise

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid newly-minted bounty hunters/would-be comedy team arrive at the secret mountain hideout of fugitive Ponzi schemer Roland Forsythe and get ready to take him in, but then get interrupted by ... a call from Dick's mother ...


INT. ROLAND’S BIG BEAR CABIN - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Roland sits in front of
the fireplace in his boxers.

A tourniquet is tied around
the gunshot wound on his thigh.
He gulps from a bottle of vodka.

ROLAND
Why doesn’t she return my calls?
Something must be wrong.

He pours some over the wound. SCREAMS.

EXT. ROLAND’S BIG BEAR CABIN - NIGHT
The Land Rover comes down
the gravel driveway, lights off.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - NIGHT
Dick stops the car.
Shuts off the engine.

Simone is now awake,
a towel tied around her arm.
Glares at them.

DICK
Better not get any closer.
We want the element of surprise.

SIMONE
My arm really hurts.

HONEY
You should of thought of that
when you went for my gun.

DICK
Don’t be a wuss.
It just grazed you.
(sees something)
Shit, there’s a second car.
He’s got a visitor.
What are we gonna do?

HONEY
Maybe another bounty hunter
beat us to the punch.

SIMONE
It’s the guy
who did fake ID’s for us.

DICK
What’s his story?
Is he dangerous?

SIMONE
Uh, yeah?
He’s a criminal, hello. Duh.

DICK
Great. Just great.
This just keeps getting better.

Dick’s cell phone RINGS.
He looks at it.

DICK
Shit, I’ve gotta take this.
(into the phone)
I’m sorry Mom, but right now I’m --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DICK’S MOTHER’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Very cozy. Old, heavy furniture.
Dick’s mother BARBARA (80)
sits in a big wing chair.

Once a great beauty,
now a bit faded and puffy.
She sports two black eyes.

BARBARA
We just got back from the cruise.
It was terrible.
The sea was very rough.
Three of the ports got cancelled.
Don’s shingles came back
and I got vertigo and
fell onto the buffet table
and then his blood pressure
went up so we had to
go to the medical center --

DICK
Mom, I love you,
but right now I’m in
the middle of catching
a dangerous criminal.
Can I call you back?

BARBARA
‘A dangerous criminal?’
That’s nice.

DICK
Love you. Bye.
(hangs up, to them)
So where were we?

HONEY
What to do about Roland’s visitor.

SIMONE
I’ve got an idea.

HONEY
Like we’re gonna trust you?

SIMONE
Look. You’re taking
him away to go to jail, right?

DICK
Right.

SIMONE
If I help you,
will you let me go?

HONEY
You’d turn in your own boyfriend?

SIMONE
Please. Have you SEEN the fat fuck?
He was just my meal ticket outta LA.
Fucking cesspool.
I never should have left Sheboygan --