Reach Out And Fuck Someone

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Cyber Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of LEGS, Episode 3, sparks fly when private eye Carrie Love, her ex-husband/ex-partner, homicide dick Bernie Keko and his father Basil meet at Carrie's ex's house, patrolwoman Megan Paul to set up headquarters to try and find out who kidnapped Basil's wife. Problem is, Meg doesn't know they're there, so Carrie gives her a call ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Small and cozy. Bright and clean.
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit on the couch,
staring at the phone on a coffee table.

BASIL
Call forwarding. Genius.

CARRIE
Reach out and fuck someone.

BERNIE
(to Basil)
We swept the area around your house.
No one was watching it.

CARRIE
But they might come around,
so it’s safer to be here.

BASIL
There was no sign of forced entry.
They must have grabbed her
when she returned from yoga class.
(smiles)
It’s nice to see you two together again.
Always thought you were the perfect couple.
hame it had to end like it did.

CARRIE
Yeah, well -- a fist fight
kinda takes the romance out of it.

BERNIE
Not to mention being caught
carpet-munching in OUR bed --

BASIL
(to Carrie)
You still prefer the other white meat?

BERNIE
DAD.

BASIL
(to Carrie)
I’m sorry.
(looks down)
Like many old-school heterosexual men,
I deal with grief with crude,
inappropriate humor.
I’m so sorry.

CARRIE
It’s okay. You’re upset.
(to Bernie)
So that’s where you get it from.

BERNIE
Takes one to blow one.

CARRIE
(looks at her watch)
I should call Meg.
Find out when her shift ends.
Don’t want to her surprise her
with a 'two and a half cops.'

She pulls out her cell.
Walks out of the room.

EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH - BIKE PATH - DAY
A wide, two-lane cement bike path
that runs along the sand.

Megan and another FEMALE COP (20’s)
sit astride their stallions,
slowly CLIP-CLOPPING
down the bucolic avenue.

MEG
It’s a pretty good gig.
Great weather, and away from
the madness down south in Venice.
You been riding long?

FEMALE COP
Ever since I was thirteen
and discovered it was better than
sliding down the bannister.

Meet ILONA RAMIREZ,
a curvy goblet of caramel
poured into her uniform.

Wide mouth with lips for days.
Long black hair tied in a ponytail
that reaches down to the horse’s back.

MEG
Sliding down the --
(blushes)
Oh.

ILONA
So you were a good girl.

MEG
Once upon a time.

Her cell RINGS.
She pulls it out. Looks it at.

MEG (CONT’D)
Hold that thought.
(into the phone)
Hey, Carrie. What’s up?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Carrie stands in the big window
looking out at the street.

CARRIE
(into the phone)
Bernie’s mother was kidnapped
and we’re using your house
as a base of operations.
Hope it’s okay.

MEG
Holy shit. When?

CARRIE
About an hour ago.
The kidnappers said ‘no cops,’
so we didn’t want to be seen
at their place in case
it was being watched.

MEG
Of course.
Don’t worry about it.
(beat)
Holy shit. Bernie’s MOM --
(beat)
And you’re helping Bernie with the case?

CARRIE
Well, I’m not a cop anymore,
and you know what they say,
once an in-law, always an in-law.

MEG
Is there anything I can do?

CARRIE
When does your shift end?

MEG
In about an hour,
but I’m breaking in my new partner.
I might be able to get away
with ending it early,
make up some excuse.

CARRIE
Great. We can use
all the help we can get.
See you soon.

The both CLICK their phones shut.
Ilona looks at Meg.

ILONA
What was that all about?

MEG
My ex’s ex’s mother was kidnapped.

ILONA
Holy shit.
(beat)
You were talking to 'Carrie.'
You’re ex was a chick?

MEG
Uh, yeah.

ILONA
Cool. So was mine.

MEG
Oh.

ILONA
Tell the watch commander
we ate bad fish tacos
and got the runs.

MEG
That’s -- a great idea.

ILONA
I got your back, mamasita.
(beat)
And your front --