Like Jerry Sandusky

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of LEGS, Episode 3, retired cop Basil Keko comes home from winning the lottery, only to find his wife has been kidnapped. In a panic, he calls his son, homicide detective Bernie Keko and tells him what happened. Because the ransom note said 'don't call the cops,' Bernie decides to call his ex for help, private eye Carrie Love ...


EXT. BUNGALOW - DAY
An old, stately home on a
leafy, middle-class street in the heart of
the cheap seats of Santa Monica. Safe. Bucolic.

Basil walks up to the front door.
Opens it. Goes in.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Heavy and quiet with old,
mis-matched furniture.
But nice. Spotless.

Basil hums happily.
Pads across the room.

BASIL
Honey, I’m home.
Did you see me on TV?

He looks around.
Then heads toward the kitchen.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - KITCHEN - DAY
Bright and cheerful, nice and neat.
Basil walks into the room, looks around.

BASIL
Honey?

He sees a message
on the refrigerator
written in big block letters
in black magic marker:

WE HAVE YOUR WIFE.
DO NOT CONTACT THE POLICE
OR SHE WILL DIE.

WE WILL CALL YOU
WITH OUR RANSOM DEMANDS.
- A FRIEND.

BASIL
Holy shit.
Oh my god.
Holy shit.
(goes to the phone, dials)
Bernie.
Thank god you’re there.
Your mother’s been kidnapped.
(listens)
Meet me in the park down the street
in case they’re watching the house.

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
A tiny park. Green grass.
Plants. Flowers. Bird chirping.

A HOMELESS MAN (50’s)
sleeps on the grass in the distance.

Bernie and Basil sit on a
park bench facing the sidewalk.

BASIL
They said not to
contact the police,
but you’re my son,
so that’s okay, right?

BERNIE
It’s okay, pop.
It’s okay.
(realizes)
Oh, shit.
Her medication.

BASIL
I know.
I’m worried sick.
If she doesn’t
have her insulin --

BERNIE
(stands)
We’re not solving
anything sitting here.
You go back to the house
and wait for their call.

BASIL
(gets up)
What are you gonna do?

BERNIE
I’m gonna call Carrie.
She owes me one.

BASIL
Your ex?
Are you sure
that’s a good idea?
Why would she help?
She left you.

BERNIE
That hasn’t stopped her
from coming to me for help.
And besides, when she finds out
Kitty’s been kidnapped,
the assholes that got her
don’t have a chance.
She’s like Jerry Sandusky
at a NAMBLA meeting
when she’s riled up.

BASIL
No shit.
Remember that Thanksgiving
when she got it in her head
that SHE was gonna
carve the turkey?

BERNIE
How could I forget.
The arterial spray
ruined the stuffing --