Leave It To Beaver On Meth

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Halloween. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid would-be bounty hunters pay a visit to Simone LeBon, the actress/model mistress of wanted Ponzi scheme fugitive Roland Forsythe. Problem is, Simone's not very bright ...


EXT. TARZANA BOULEVARD - DAY
The Land Rover passes a row of
tiny, identical houses on tiny lots
with tiny yards and tiny cars parked in front.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - MOVING - DAY
Dick and Honey look at the houses
as they drive by.

HONEY
Talk about a cultural wasteland.
If I lived here I’d kill myself.

DICK
It’s like Leave It To Beaver on meth.

HONEY
Father Doesn’t Know Best.

DICK
The Little House On The Shitty.

HONEY
That reference doesn’t work.
This isn’t a prairie.

DICK
That may be, but it’s still funny.

EXT. SUBURBAN TRACT HOME - DAY
Up close, it looks ratty.
Badly needs a paint job.

Dick and Honey
stand on the front step.
He rings the bell.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Just a MINUTE.

The door FLIES OPEN.

SIMONE LEBON (20’s) appears.
Smokin’ hot in shorts and halter top.

Tousled mane of blonde. Blue eyes.
Giant, pneumatic boobs.
Beside her is a stack of LUGGAGE.

SIMONE
Who the hell are you?

HONEY
Simone LeBon, I take it?

DICK
Are you hungry like the wolf?

SIMONE
Hungry like what?
Who’s asking?

HONEY
We’re private detectives,
looking for Roland Forsythe.

SIMONE
(starts to close the door)
Sorry. Don’t know him.

DICK
(sticks his foot in the way)
Really. That’s funny,
because your number appeared
forty-five times on
his phone bill last month.

SIMONE
Oh. Shit.
(beat)
Am I in trouble?

HONEY
No. We’re just looking for him.
He skipped bail, you know.

SIMONE
He DID?

HONEY
Do you know where he is?

SIMONE
Uh -- no. Sorry.

DICK
Going on a trip?

SIMONE
Yeah. I’m -- going to
visit -- my mother.
She’s sick. Real sick.
Has a -- tumor.

DICK
(hands her his card)
If you hear from him,
would you give me a call?

SIMONE
(reads it)
It says you’re a comedian.

DICK
I’m a private investigator
and a comedian.

SIMONE
Say something funny.

Dick looks at Honey.
She gives him a warning look.

DICK
Okay. Adam and Eve are
in the Garden of Eden.
Adam says to Eve,
‘you better stand back,
I don’t know how
big this thing gets.’

SIMONE
Ew.

She SLAMS the door on his foot.
Dick YANKS it out.

She BANGS it shut.
Dick walks around
in a circle, limping.

HONEY
I told you
that joke wasn’t funny.
But no, you had to go
‘full-Shecky Greene.’

DICK
Hey. I love Shecky Greene.

HONEY
I rest my case, your honor.