Like A Carrot On A Dick

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, mercenary-for-hire Bland Loosener arrives at White Line Pictures to grab fugitive screenwriter Friday Foster, with Friday's ex Carrie Love right behind him. Meanwhile, Friday gets down and dirty with the film studio executives she's holding hostage at gunpoint ...


EXT. WHITE LINE PICTURES - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
Bland BURSTS through the front door.
Dashes over to the front desk.
Gets in Mr. George’s face.

BLAND
Did a female just come in here?
Tall, big boobs -- brown hair?

MR. GEORGE
Friday Foster?
(off his nod)
Yes, she did.
Moments ago, in fact.

BLAND
I’m supposed to be
in the meeting with her.
What floor did she go to?

MR. GEORGE
Six. But you have to sign the book first.
(beat)
Why are you dressed to go to war?

BLAND
Thanks.
(grabs the pen, signs)
Because the film biz IS war.

He goes to the elevators. Enters one.

MR. GEORGE
(reads the book)
Your name is 'Donald Duck?'

BLAND
(as the elevator opens)
It’s a family name.
(loud)
DIS-MISSED.

The doors close.

CARRIE AND KELLY
race in. Out of breath.
Trot over the desk.

CARRIE
Did a woman come in here?
Her name is --

MR. GEORGE
Friday Foster? Yes.
She is quite popular.
You here for the meeting, too?

CARRIE
What floor is ‘the meeting’ on?

KELLY
Who else came here for the meeting?

MR. GEORGE
(to Kelly)
Tall, military gentleman in camouflage.
A Mr. Duck.
(to Carrie)
On six. Executive floor.

CARRIE
'Duck?'
What the fuck kinda name is that?

MR. GEORGE
It’s a family name.
I find it rather charming, myself.
And I’m a big supporter of fowl.
Sign in, please. Security reasons --
we have top security.

CARRIE
(signs, sarcastic)
Well, that’s obvious.

Kelly signs.
Carrie dashes over to the elevator.
Then, Kelly.

MR. GEORGE
Your names are Mr. and Mrs. Pig?

CARRIE
Yeah. He’s Porky, and I’m Oprah.
Kinda ironic. I’m the cop --

KELLY
A-bee-a-da-bee-a-da-bee-a-da-bee --
Th-th-tha-at’s all, folks.

The doors close.

MR. GEORGE
(shakes his head slowly)
That must be some kinda meeting.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Friday gets in Don’s face.

FRIDAY
I want a news crew, NOW.

DON
Get that fucking gun out of my face.

GARY
We’ll release a statement to Variety.

FRIDAY
No. FUCK Variety.
They report SHIT. LIES.
I’m talking REAL MEDIA.
This is MY LIFE, my ART, my CRAFT --
not some bullshit PR high-concept SPIN.
(quiet, deadly)
This is the story of a writer
whose passion project was
dangled in front of her
like a carrot on a DICK,
and then wiped on her ass
and flushed down the FUCKING TOILET.

DON
Listen to me, you smug little wannabe.
I’m the head of this fucking studio,
I DANCE WITH THE DEVIL,
and not EVEN I have green light power!
We vote by COMMITTEE.
And marketing didn’t know how to sell it,
they said it was too --

FRIDAY
What? Edgy? Controversial?
But that’s what you LIKED about it,
you fucking phony, hypocritical DUMB-SHIT.
(beat)
And you had the NERVE so say that
‘Brave New Girl’ was
‘the best script you ever read.’

JIMMY JOE
Brave New Girl? You wrote that?
I LOVED that script.
They were gonna offer me the part of -- uh, w
hat’s his name -- Serge.

FRIDAY
Serge? You’re not right for Serge.
What part of ‘tall, dark, and
Euro-suave’ didn’t you get?

JIMMY JOE
Hey, my agent sent it to me.
Can’t blame a guy for tryin’ to stretch.
Besides, I’ve always been curious about --
your kinda gurl.

FRIDAY
You have?

JIMMY JOE
Well, after you’ve exchanged vows
written in blood with the
hottest woman on the planet,
all the rest are just vanilla.

FRIDAY
You know, you’re
much better looking in person.

JIMMY JOE
(shy)
Uh -- thanks.
(beat)
You’re not so bad yourself --