Like Chunks In Sauce

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, fugitive screenwriter Friday Foster has taken film studio executives hostage at gunpoint in their conference room. The TV news crew she asked for has arrived to tape their apology for killing her movie deal ... when they suddenly get interrupted ... by the cops.


INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Jimmy Joe holds his piece on the group.
Smiles.

DON
You realize you’ve killed your chances
of starring in ACTION MOVIE 2 --

JIMMY JOE
Fuck your piece of shit ACTION MOVIE.
I’m only here because my
agent begged me to.
(beat)
Like I would co-star with Lil’ Nig.

HANS
Jimmy Joe.
Put ze gun down.
Let’s talk about zis.

JIMMY JOE
Sorry, Girlie-man --
but the lil’ lady asked me
to keep ya’ll covered,
an in tha int-rest of
keepin’ ya’ll alive,
I’m gonna do jus’ that.

GARY
Fucking redneck.
This isn’t a goddamn movie, Jimmy Joe.

FRIDAY (O.C.)
Hell, no -- it’s A LOT more fun.

FRIDAY
comes in.
Followed by Rebecca,
holding her mike.

Carrie behind the camera.
Kelly FLASHES the light.

Friday goes to the
head of the table. Sits.

REBECCA
Coming to you live
from White Line Pictures, ‘
The Siege: Crisis in Development Hell.’

FRIDAY
(to the executives)
Don’t you just love it
when the media gives cool names
to wars and disasters?
(to Rebecca)
Cue the GRAPHICS.
Take me to the global village.
Let’s get that DEMOGRAPHIC.

REBECCA
ROLL CAMERA.

Rebecca raises her mike.
Cocks her head.
Full of importance.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
This is Rebecca Diaz, Crime TV,
reporting to you live
from White Line Pictures --
where Friday Foster has
taken the top executives hostage.

FRIDAY
Damn straight.
We shall overcome.
Redemption song.
Free Nelson Mandella.
I have a dream.
All that shit.

REBECCA
As you can see,
our captor is quite eloquent --
and irreverent.

FRIDAY
I’m a writer --
what do you expect?
‘Hi, Mom?’

REBECCA
No, but I’m rather surprised
at your flip attitude,
and that you seem to be having fun.
You’re not even scared.

FRIDAY
Scared? Can you say EMPOWERED?
(points Uzi at her)
Enough fucking around,
let’s hurry this up.
Before I spray your shellacked head
like chunks in sauce.

REBECCA
Okay, okay -- so, tell us,
what are your demands?

FRIDAY
All I want --
is this Hollywood hack --
(points gun at Don)
To apologize for ruining
my fucking life.

REBECCA
(whirls to the camera)
And in a stunning surprise,
we’ve learned that
Friday’s demand isn’t money,
or anything material,
not even a movie deal.
(pause for effect)
She just wants an apology.
In these consumer-driven modern times,
it’s refreshing to see someone who --

CARRIE
Enough with the reportage.
Let Red apologize.

FRIDAY
Carrie?
First at the club, and now here?
What are you, fucking stalking me?

CARRIE
I want to help you.
If you surrender, maybe I
can help you get a deal,
get a lighter sentence.

REBECCA
Wait a minute.
Now I know where I’ve seen you --
you’re that cop that got suspended,
it was all over the news.

KELLY
Are you kidding me?
That means we’ve been breaking the law.

CARRIE
Well, if you want to split hairs.

KELLY
No wonder you wanted to help her --
you’re an outlaw, too.

FRIDAY
Kelly? Kelly Klavan?
What are YOU doing here?
What is this?
Former-FUCK week?

KELLY
Friday.
Nice to see you. I’m, uh --
here to tell your story.
I’m a journalist, too, you know.

Friday stares at Kelly.
Then Carrie. Head reeling.

JIMMY JOE
Well, shit --
I kin read the subtext here.
If these two were willin’ ta
risk their lives tryin’ to help ya,
ya must be one helluva lover.

FRIDAY
I’ve had no complaints.

DON
What is this, the fucking View?

GARY
It’s more like Jerry Springer.

HANS
Fuck Jerry Springer.
Is like Dr. Phil.
And I HATE Dr. Phil. Fucking QUACK.
Fat fucking tub of lard with DIET BOOK.

FRIDAY
Everybody SHUT UP. Let’s DO IT, NOW.
(to Carrie and Kelly)
Lights, camera -- ANGER.

THE CAMERA
shoots Don. In close up.

FRIDAY (O.C.) (CONT'D)
I’m waiting --

DON
As the chairman
of White Line Pictures,
I’d, uh -- like to apologize --

A DEEP, MALE VOICE BOOMS
over a loudspeaker from outside.

DEEP, MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Friday Foster!
This is the police!
We have you surrounded!
Come out with your hands up,
and you won’t be hurt!