Grand Theft Gnarly

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, the situation is rapidly becoming a clusterfuck. Not only has fugitive screenwriter Friday Foster taken the executives at White Line Pictures hostage with a semi-automatic weapon, mercenary Bland Loosner and homicide dick Carrie Love are now also in the building trying to get her ... and to make matters worse, the media is now onto the story, and is also descending on the building ...


INT. WHITE LINE PICTURES - ELEVATOR - DAY
Bland rides up slowly.
He PUNCHES the ‘up’ button repeatedly.

BLAND
Reporting for duty, SIR --

Gears GRIND.
A loud POP.
The car stops.

BLAND
Mechanical failure, Sergeant!

He GRABS the phone.
Starts pressing buttons.

BLAND
Command to base!
Command to base!

EXT. WHITE LINE PICTURES - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
A NEWS CREW comes barrelling
through the doors.

REBECCA DIAZ,
delicious in mini-skirt and boots,
portly BALD CAMERAMAN and
a great-looking BLACK LIGHTING GUY.

Rebecca dashes over to Mr. George.
FLASHES her credentials.

REBECCA
Rebecca Diaz, Crime TV.

MR. GEORGE
Crime TV?

REBECCA
Yes. We’re here for The Siege.

MR. GEORGE
‘The Siege?’
What is -- The Siege?

REBECCA
Don’t you watch television?
Friday Foster has taken
a dozen hostages
in your conference room
with a semi-automatic weapon.

MR. GEORGE
I don’t watch televisions.
They are berry, berry bad --
(realizes)
Friday Foster?
Has taken hostages?

REBECCA
Yes.
And it’s MY STORY, understand?
Now what fucking floor
is the conference room on?

MR. GEORGE
I’m not going to tell you.
You are a berry rude lady.

BALD CAMERAMAN
(looks off camera)
The light stopped on six.
They must be on six.

MR. GEORGE
Alright, okay --
they’re on six.
But you must sign the book
before I let you in.

REBECCA
‘Let me in?’
LET ME IN?
Do you realize
who the FUCK I am?
(to the crew)
C’mon boys, let’s leave
Idi Amin to his
precious little book.

They dash over to the elevator.

MR. GEORGE
Hey!
Idi Amin was from GHANA.
I am from JAMAICA,
you racist stoopid-woman!

The crew watches
the elevator lights.
Not moving.

One is stopped on three.
The other on six.

REBECCA
Goddamit.
They’re not moving.

LIGHTING GUY
Let’s take the stairs.
Great cardio.

BALD CAMERAMAN
Fuck that.
You want me to
have a heart attack?

REBECCA
Actually, yes -- I’d love it.
Then maybe I could get a crew
that cared about
GETTING THE FUCKING STORY.
Now, move it, ton of fun.
MARCH.

EXT. SIXTH FLOOR - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie closes the phone box
in the elevator.

KELLY
You are a genius.
How long will they
hold the elevator?

CARRIE
Until they figure
out it’s a fake,
we probably have
about fifteen minutes.

EXT. ACROSS THE STREET - AT THAT MOMENT
A gorgeous, mini-suited FEMALE REPORTER
is doing man-on-the street interviews.

Next to her is a
SPICOLI-LIKE STONER DUDE (18),
wearing a FREE FRIDAY T-shirt.
Sips from a longneck.

FEMALE REPORTER
This is Holly Hand,
News Five On Your Side,
and we’re here in front of
White Line Pictures,
where a crowd has assembled
for 'The Siege.'
(points the mike at Stoner)
Your T-shirt --
is Friday Foster a hero to you?

SPICOLI-LIKE STONER DUDE
Friday is the MAN.
With tits.
Grand Theft Gnarly.
What’s your damage, Heather?
You have a brain tumor
for breakfast?

An ALTERNA-CHICK (17)
with dayglo hair in a
BONUS POINTS T-shirt
GRABS the mike.

Holds a large super-soaker
SQUIRT GUN.

ALTERNA-CHICK
A big, bright PAGEANT SMILE!?

And SOAKS her.
Stoner fires up a joint.
ROARS with laughter --