She Blinded Me With Algebra

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

This next story is a bit of a departure for me. I recently wrote a half-hour comedy script for a client, and really had a great time doing it, so my manager suggested I write another one. I'm a big fan of those edgy comedies on Showtime like CALIFORNICATION, NURSE JACKIE and WEEDS, so I thought I'd give it a go.

DICK & HONEY is the story a wannabe stand-up comedy team. Problem is, they're not very funny, and they're having a hard time paying their bills, and because they're landlord wants to evict them for being late with the rent, they desperately look for a quick way to make a buck ... so they decide to become bounty hunters.

Think BURN NOTICE meets MOONLIGHTING, but with an 'R' rating.

In Chapter 1 of DICK & HONEY, they go onstage at the Laff Hut on open mike night, with disastrous results ...


EXT. THE LAFF HUT - NIGHT
A small, run-down comedy club
on the wrong end of Sunset Boulevard.

Not much street action on a week night.
A sign reads: OPEN MIKE NIGHT.
COME ON IN, THE COMEDY’S FINE.

INT. THE LAFF HUT - NIGHT
Very dark. A smattering of tables.
A tiny stage in front of a brick wall.

A handful of PEOPLE are in the audience.
VINCENT ROSETTI (50’S) the club owner,
tall, blonde and smiling comes onstage
and grabs the mike. Taps it.

VINCENT
Is this thing on?
(bad fake laugh)
Welcome to The Laff Hut,
ladies and germs.
We gotta lotta great
comedy for you tonight.
(pulls out a card, reads it)
First up, the comedy stylings
of Almond and Leonard.

He bows, then trots off.

HONEY ALMOND (40) and DICK LEONARD (45)
come onstage.

She’s very pretty, dark-haired
and comely in a black cocktail dress.

He’s natty in a jacket and tie,
good-looking with a crazed look
in his eyes.

DICK
Hey, everybody. I’m Dick.

HONEY
And I’m Honey.

DICK
She’s a honey --

HONEY
And he’s a dick.

They look at each other.
BURST into laughter.

VOICE IN THE DARK (O.C.)
You suck.

HONEY
Is it that obvious?

DICK
And she’s very good at it.
I, on the other hand, lick.

VOICE IN THE DARK (O.C.)
Fuck you.

HONEY
I’m good at that, too.

DICK
I can attest to that.

HONEY
Some of you
might remember me
as the child star
of the hit TV show
‘What The Heck?’
back in the eighties.

VOICE IN THE DARK (O.C.)
That show sucked.

DICK
And you might know me as
the ‘one-hit-wonder’ who sang
‘She Blinded Me With Algebra.’

VOICE IN THE DARK (O.C.)
That SONG sucked.

DICK
Hey, pal.
You wanna shut the fuck up?

VOICE IN THE DARK (O.C.)
Make me.

DICK
Can’t you see we’re
trying to do our act?

VOICE IN THE DARK (O.C.)
Your act sucks.

DICK
Oh, yeah? Fuck you.
Whattaya think of that, huh?

HONEY
Dick --

VOICE IN THE DARK (O.C.)
I think you suck.

DICK
C’mon, fella.
We’re just trying to
do some comedy here.
Is your life so pathetic
that you get your jollies
heckling comedians?

A beer bottle comes FLYING
towards Dick. He DUCKS.
It hits the wall with CRASH.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - MOVING - NIGHT
One of those older models
from the nineties.

Dented and banged up a bit.
A tear in the headrest has
been fixed with duct tape.

Dick drives.
Honey rides shotgun.

HONEY
Well, we didn’t
totally fuck it up.

DICK
Fucking heckler RUINED it.

HONEY
Don’t worry, hun.
We’ll do better next time.
I’m working on some great
new material about
the budget deficit.

DICK
Oooh. I love it
when you get fiscal --