Forty-Proof Jizz

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In Chapter 3 of DICK & HONEY, wannabe comedians Dick Leonard and Honey Almond are trying to figure out a way to raise the money they need to stop their landlord from evicting them, then see an ad on TV for a bail bonds woman, and get an idea ...


INT. DICK AND HONEY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dick and Honey sit on the couch
watching TV with cocktails.

They’re both more than
a few sheets to the wind.

DICK
It takes a couple of months
to evict someone,
so we’ve got time
to figure out
how to raise some money.
(thinks)
You think maybe your father --

Honey shoots him a look.
Dick nods. Takes a sip.

HONEY
We could sell
our movie collection.

DICK
That won’t be enough.

HONEY
I’ve got it.
I’ll become a
high-priced call girl.

DICK
I could become
a sperm donor.

HONEY
With the amount you drink,
your jizz would be forty-proof.

DICK
Damn.
I hadn’t thought of that.
(thinks)
Do you get a buzz
after you give me head?

LOUD GUNSHOTS on the TV.
They both look, startled.

ON THE FLAT SCREEN
We see an VERY HOT BLACK WOMAN (40’s)
in a wheelchair holding a
shotgun on her lap
sitting in front of a storefront
with a sign that reads
ALABAMA BROWN - BAIL BONDS.

ALABAMA
This is Alabama Brown,
bail bondswoman.
You say your husband got nicked
stealing some yuppie’s SUV?
Junkie mother up on drug charges?
Skanky crack ho wife busted
for sucking and fucking?
Poppa shoot your momma down
in cold blood?
(beat)
Call one-eight-hundred ALA-BAMA,
and we’ll get that
good-for-nothing outta
the can and back in your plan.

DICK AND HONEY
Look at each other.

HONEY
Are you thinking
what I’m thinking?

DICK
Time to freshen our drinks?

HONEY
We could become bounty hunters.

DICK
You gotta be kidding me.

HONEY
Do you realize
how much money they make?

DICK
Uh, yeah.
Because it’s DANGEROUS,
and they could get KILLED.

HONEY
Details, schmetails --