Our Lady Of Water Retention

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 39 of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, now that fugitive screenwriter Friday Foster is safely behind bars ... and a media superstar ... everyone else involved in the hostage situation gets their fifteen minutes of fame ...


INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
It’s the ELENA! talk show.
The set faces a CHEERING CROWD.

At the apron of the stage stands ELENA (40’s),
the star. African American. Rotund.
Puffy. Beaming. Self-possessed.

ELENA
Hel-lo! Thank you all for coming!

The crowd GOES NUTS.

ELENA
We have a special surprise for you today.
Live, via remote, from
Our Lady of Water Retention
in Los Angeles -- Carrie Love!

The audience goes INSANE.

CARRIE’S FACE
appears on a large monitor stage left.
She’s lying in a hospital bed.

She looks fine.
Great, in fact. But puzzled.

ELENA
Carrie! Hi, it’s Elena!
How are you feeling?

CARRIE
Elena?

ELENA
That’s right!

CARRIE
My agent said I was gonna be
on ‘America’s Top Bounty Hunter.’

ELENA
No, you’re here with ME, Elena!
And we’re live, in front
of a studio audience.
Oh, gosh -- this is so EXCITING.
How are you feeling?
You look great. It’s a miracle,
after the ordeal you’ve been through --

Carrie picks up her cell phone.
Furiously PUNCHES a number.

CARRIE
Lenny, it’s Carrie.
Why am I on ELENA?
(listens)
No, no, no --
I said I’d THINK about it.
What about Bounty Hunter?
(listens)
Well, hell -- I’m on so many
fucking painkillers I make
Andy Dick look like Dakota Fanning --
(listens)
But I HATE Elena!
She’s a phony, pompous, bloated,
sanctimonious tub of BULLSHIT.

ELENA
(waves her arms)
CUT, CUT, CUT!

The screen goes BLACK.

A SMIRKING WOMAN
cradles a feminine hygiene product.

SMIRKING WOMAN
I feel fresh. Smell fresh --
(beat)
And my husband says I taste fresh.

INT. TV STUDIO - BARRY BING LIVE - ON ANOTHER CHANNEL
BARRY BING (70’s), pale, crusty, lizard-like,
sits at his desk.

Squints into the camera.
Beady eyes flicker
behind monstrous glasses.

BARRY
Good evening,
and welcome to Barry Bing Live.
In our studio tonight,
we have two members of the press
who were there at the front lines,
up close and personal,
during The Siege At White Line Pictures.
(sickly smile)
Evenin’, fellas --

CAMERA widens to reveal --

KELLY KLAVAN and HOWARD JONES
sitting across from him.

KELLY
Hi, there.

HOWARD
Barry.

BARRY
(nods at Howard)
Howard Jones is the cameraman
who was shooting footage
for Crime Time News.
And lived to tell about it.

HOWARD
Actually, Barry --
I’m a lighting technician.
And the real crew didn’t go in,
as our cameraman passed out
after climbing six floors
on an empty stomach.
Carrie Love took his place,
along with Kelly here.

BARRY
(looks at his notes)
That’s right, that’s right --
(squints at Kelly, nods)
Also here tonight is Kelly Klavan,
who aided and abetted rogue
homicide detective Carrie Love.

KELLY
That’s true, but I didn’t
know she was suspended.
I thought I was acting
as a concerned citizen.

BARRY
(glares)
Uh-huh, uh-huh --
(beat)
So, uh -- how are you doing now?
Are either of you experiencing any --
post-traumatic stress disorder?

HOWARD
Oh, gosh, no.
I think it’s safe to say that it was --
(smiles at Kelly)
The most important day in my life.

KELLY
We’re getting married!

Barry fidgets. Uncomfortable.
Face reddens.

BARRY
I see --

KELLY
It’s legal now in California.
We’re so excited!

HOWARD
Why the pained look, Barry?
You’ve been married what,
eight times?

KELLY
Maybe it’s gas.
(pulls out a pill bottle,
shakes one out)
Here, take one of these.
They work like magic.

Barry looks into the CAMERA.
Glowers.

BARRY
We’ll be back in a moment.
But first, a word from
our sponsor, GARLIQUE.

EXT. THE PALM - FRONT ENTRANCE - AT THAT MOMENT
Jimmy Jack comes out of the restaurant.
Hands his ticket to the valet.

Pulls out his I-Phone.
Checks his email.

His HULKING ATTORNEY (30’S) comes out.
Lights up a smoke.

HULKING ATTORNEY
Remember. Say nothing.
You had a lapse of reason.
Weren’t right in the head.
If the media gets wind of this --
(beat)
What’s that called?
Baron von Munchhausen Syndrome?

JIMMY JOE
(punching buttons)
Fucking spam’s givin’ me a syndrome.
(beat)
No, that’s the Terry Gilliam film.

An AZT CREW appears. LIVELY MANN,
(20’s) blonde, Carson Cressley on speed,
SHOVES a mike in Jimmy’s face.

Camera WHIRS. Photographers
CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

LIVELY
Jimmy Jack, Lively Mann, AZT.
Would you like to make a statement
about your fling with notorious outlaw
Friday Foster?

JIMMY JOE
Get the FUCK outta my face
before I rip yer fuckin’ HEAD OFF.

HULKING ATTORNEY
Watch yourself --

LIVELY
Jimmy Joe, chill.
Didn’t you know that TG is 'the new bi?'
Arrianna Huffington is
calling it 'tranny chic.'
Rumor has it they even
have their own mafia --

JIMMY JOE
Rumor has it you’re a dead queer
if you don’t shut the fuck up.

HULKING ATTORNEY
JIMMY JOE.
(to Lively)
We have no comment.

LIVELY
No comment on this juicy story, Jimmy Joe?
We’ve got you on tape kissing Friday.
You have a thing for her?

JIMMY JOE
A THING?
You wanna see a THING?

He pulls out his GUN.
Aims it at Lively.

JIMMY JOE
This interview is OVER.
(points it at Lively’s crotch)
Unless you’d like a little
gender reassignment --

LIVELY
(screeches, to the crew)
Okay, that’s it!
Get in the van, NOW.

They scramble away.
Get in their SUV.
GUN the engine.

LIVELY
Asshole!
You’re gonna hear from my LAWYER.

HULKING ATTORNEY
(GRABS Jimmy’s gun)
Gimme that fucking thing. Jesus Christ.
You wanna get arrested again?
I already fucking bailed you out
once today.

Pause.

JIMMY JOE
What the fuck.
Let’s go get some whores.

HULKING ATTORNEY
NOW you’re talking.
That’s the Jimmy Joe
I know and love --