Up Close And Humiliating

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, now that fugitive screenwriter Friday Foster is behind bars after holding a movie studio hostage at gunpoint, she's become a media superstar, we take a peek behind the curtain at a certain network who wants to exploit her sudden fame. Meanwhile, in jail, Friday meets with her new agent ...


INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
A dozen glossy NETWORK EXECUTIVES
sit around a large, marble and
glass conference table.

Each with a pitcher of water.
An I-Pad. A smart phone.
Glazed, self-satisfied smirks.

ASSISTANTS scurry about,
passing out five-dollar coffees.

Four-dollar muffins.
Vitamin water.
Perks of the elite.

HAUGHTY BABE EXECUTIVE
(to an assistant, tossing a muffin)
I said carob, Maya -- NOT soy!

ARROGANT STUD EXECUTIVE
Jesus, Maya -- who do you think
we’re pitching, Andy Dick?

An OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
sits at the head of the table.

Gordon Gecko and Faye Dunaway’s
NETWORK bastard offspring.

Spray-tan smug, like some
Glengarry Glenn Ross nightmare.

OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
Friday Foster, people.
Catch of the day.
Ripe for the picking. Ideas?

Haughty puts down her muffin.
Raises her hand.

HAUGHTY BABE EXECUTIVE
We get the rights to her story,
do an MOW.

OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
WRONG. The TV movie is DEAD.
Get that tight little ass
over to Lifetime, NOW. Next?

FAT, EFFEMINATE TOKEN BLACK EXECUTIVE
We put her on Extreme Cooking
With the Stars Kitchen Makeover.
(SNAPS his fingers)
Eat my asparagus tip, Rachel Ray.

OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
WRONG. Her story’s too juicy for that crap.
We’ll leave that for some washed-out
former sitcom star.
(to assistant)
Aura. Call Kirstie Alley’s manager.
Find out if she can make a bundt cake --
(to the room)
C’mon people.
The sharks are circling the WATER.
Where’s the BLOOD?

Arrogant Stud raises his hand.

ARROGANT STUD EXECUTIVE
We do a reality show.
Follow her through the legal process,
her trial, and if all goes well, to jail.
'Up close and humiliating.'
(chortles)
And we call it --
'American Outlaw.'

Oily stands. Starts CLAPPING.

OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
YES. That’s IT.
Everyone give it up for BRANDT.
Future programming guru.
Like a buzzard circling a wounded beast,
ready for THE KILL.

Everyone CLAPS.

OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
So this means we have to get moving. NOW.
The little lady is being booked
and body cavity searched --
(beat)
Shit. That would have been GREAT footage.
(rubs his hands)
So let’s MOVE IT, people.
Any questions?

A SWEET-FACED JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
raises a manicured hand.

SWEET-FACED JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
But isn’t that -- ethically wrong?
To do a show about
somebody being humiliated?

OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
Humiliated? Humiliated? HUMILIATED?
(dramatic pause)
Young lady, humiliation pays our bills.
Humiliation puts food on our tables.
We live in a media-saturated age
where the slack-jawed,
fresh-scrubbed masses
in the hinterlands are ENTERTAINED
by watching people get humiliated.
The reason? Because your average
Joe and Joette likes to feel
SUPERIOR to the poor, fat boob
clawing for attention, money --
and for what passes as a
reasonable facsimile of fame today.
(beat)
Because THEN our advertisers
can sell them GIGANTIC,
GAS-GUZZLING TRUCKS they don’t NEED.
BEER that tastes like PISS.
PILLS for imaginary symptoms.
'New and improved' TOILET PAPER.
(beat)
This is what makes our great nation
the most powerful on EARTH.
Our ability to shovel shit
down the gullets of our citizens --
and make them ENJOY IT.
(beat)
From the minute they wake up
to the moment they lay their
empty little heads on their pillows,
we send them a message.
Don’t THINK, talk on your CELL PHONE.
Go see this movie, YOU’LL GET LAID.
Buy this magazine, find out
about that SLUTTY STARLET,
who’s she fucking NOW?
Is she in REHAB yet?
(beat)
And its all a smokescreen deregulated
and blessed by our government
to cover up what’s REALLY going on.
A genocidal WAR.
A plummeting ECONOMY.
The loss of hard-won CIVIL RIGHTS.
The global climate MELTDOWN --
because we just have to have our OIL
and our STEAKS and our
VIDEO GAMES and our PORN --
(dramatic)
And our REALITY TV.

He takes a moment.
Sips his vitamin water.
Leans on the desk.

OILY NETWORK EXECUTIVE
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the new world order.
A place where ratings are more important
than our children’s education.
Where market share means more than
a national political discourse.
A place where advertising revenue
is the god we pray to.
(beat)
So, I say to you, the cultural elite --
Mr. and Mrs. America DESERVES 'American Outlaw.'

INT. CITY JAIL - HOLDING CELL - DAY
Friday paces back and forth.
Stops. GRABS the bars.

A GUARD approaches,
with an ARMANI SUIT (27).

Armani goes up to the bars.
Offers his hand.

ARMANI SUIT
Friday Foster, Lenny Rosen. CMA.

FRIDAY
What do you want?

LENNY
What do I want?
What do YOU want?
A book deal? A TV show?
How about a biopic?
You’ve got one hell of a story,
hot stuff, and baby,
I’m the one who can
bring it to the world.
I’ll have you rolling in dough
so quick your head’ll spin faster
than Amy Winehouse in a pharmacy.

FRIDAY
Are you for real?
I’ve seen ENTOURAGE, okay?

LENNY
I’m as real as it gets, Dirty Harriet.
ENTOURAGE is child’s play.
THIS is the deal, baby --
WOMAN ON TOP.
(quiet, urgent)
You sign with me,
and you get the monolith that is CMA,
with its fat, greedy tentacles in every pie,
cake and low-fat non-dairy by-product
in the media universe.
(beat)
Want a date with John Meyer? Done.
Jodie Foster? We’ll make an offer.

FRIDAY
I’m more the -- Eva Green type.

LENNY
Done deal. SWISH. Three points.

PUSH IN ON Friday. Excited.

FRIDAY
Rockin.’ Show me the dotted line.