Onto today's joint from LEGS, where the action is really heating up. We're nearing the exciting conclusion of this wild ride, so you better strap yourself in ... and strap one on ...
When private eye Carrie Love and Interpol agent/'dominatrix to the stars' Felina Bella Donna fall into the evil clutches of demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer, in his underground lair, deep below Club Fuck ...
INT. BASEMENT - PRODUCTION STUDIO - NIGHT
The dull THUMP-THUMP-THUMP of club music from above
infects the dimly lit, hellish, claustrophobic catacomb.
Carrie and Felina are strapped tightly to twin gurneys.
Between them, a tray of nasty-looking operating instruments.
Heavily sedated, they look dead.
Catsuits zipped open to the waist.
Revealing bright red incision marks on their necks.
In Hollywood they call this scene the ordeal.
The hero seems to die, but then comes back to life,
reborn, changed, transformed.
Like that scene in STAR WARS?
When they're trapped in that trash compactor
and that big tentacle thing grabs Luke
and drags him under the water?
And you see the air bubbles slowly stop?
Shit, I thought I was gonna pee my pants.
I mean, hell, you paid ten bucks to go on this ride.
Who needs an ironic voice-over to spoil the fun.
But I gotta warn you,
this would NOT be a good time to get popcorn.
opens her eyes.
A prescription bottle on the tray with the top open.
focuses, concentrates. Purses her lips -- and spits.
Her missile lands in the vial with a CRACK.
ACROSS THE ROOM
at the light board, Klaus pushes up a pair of faders, and --
A small version of The Hollywood Squares set lights up.
The cubbyholes are dark, glass jars faintly visible inside.
The evil auteur gets the pill bottle. Crunches down a few.
Sorry to disrupt your beauty sleep --
(SLAPS Carrie in the face)
But it's time for tonight’s show!
Carrie stirs, barely opens her eyes, groggy. Under water.
Okay, Laura -- I'm getting up, I'm getting up --
turns to Felina. SMACKS her in the face.
Wake up, turncoat -- time to RISE AND SHINE.
Ow, hey -- that HURT.
Carrie looks around, sees the vicious instruments, the set --
and THRASHES against the restraints, a caged animal.
You sick fuck! You fucking freak show!
How DARE you! What THE FUCK did I ever do to you?!
Huh?! You murdered the love of my life!
I'm gonna fucking kill you, you hear me, asshole?
Klaus shakes his head sadly, reaches for a syringe.
A little ride on the horsie should calm you down.
He unwraps the package.
A six-inch needle. He SQUIRTS it.
Calm me DOWN? Calm me DOWN?
The only thing that's going to CALM ME DOWN
is when I fucking CUT OFF your --
And JAMS it into her thigh.
The drug hits her like a lead balloon. Instantly wasted.
Klaus laughs, which makes his head ache. He takes more pills.
Hot -- so hot --
If you’re smart, Speer, you’ll let us go.
Pretty soon this place is gonna be swarming with Federal agents.
If you're a good boy you might avoid medical experimentation.
Yeah, right, and maybe I'll let you live.
(races to the camera)
You know how to play tic tac toe?
I love -- game shows --
The Hollywood Squares cubicles light up, revealing --
LAURA in the center square, surrounded by
CHICK, MONICA LYNN, SHARON SAMMS,
MEGAN, ISABELLE, CINDY, JORELL and MICHAEL.
The women gasp at the unspeakable horror.
Carrie almost gets sick. Gulps it back down.
Felina’s eyes well up.
I know how you feel.
I was a little overwhelmed myself
when I first played the Squares.
Roseanne Barr scared the shit out of me.
And her head was so much bigger in person.
Carrie's eyes flicker. She fights the drug.
Why did you do it, Klaus?
What the fuck did Laura do that put over the edge, huh?
Was it because she left you?
I can't believe a big, Teutonic stud like you
would freak out over losing a little snatch.
Carrie, I don't think --
Shut up! I wanna know! I was just living my life,
doing my job, catching a few bad guys, fucking up a few marriages,
fucking my chick -- and this fuck, this Nazi prick
has to fucking CUT OFF her fucking head!
I wanna know WHY.
Klaus wipes his forehead. His skin is darker. Mottled.
You women think you're so smart.
That you're better than us.
That you have power over us --
because you control when we have sex.
Well the joke's on you, Miss Legs.
I bet you had no idea.
No idea of what.
No idea of what.
You sure you want to know?
Tell me, you fucking stormtrooper!
You really sure? I don't think you could handle it.
No, no, no -- you freak out, that's for sure.
Just tell me. Please.
Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Well, you see -- the funny thing is, your little Laura?
Used to be called LARRY.
He makes a “snip-snip” motion at his crotch.
How the hell did you know about that?
Only the real tuna get to be star-fucked.
So that’s why you flipped out.
You’re not the cutting edge of kink,
you’re a just a garden-variety homophobe!
An urgent KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK at the door.
Klaus, it's me, Ziva! Open up!
This is not a good time, my little petunia.
Come back later.
Klaus! It's a fucking emergency!
That crackhead Roz grabbed the cash box,
and now he's up in the DJ booth with a gun!
(pulls out his piece)
I'll be right there!
(to the women)
You two stay put.
And don't forget the camera is rolling.
I'd hate to see this become a short subject.
He goes to the door. RIPS it open.
Ziva stands in the doorway.
Klaus, run! It's a trap --
A knife flashes. SLITS HER THROAT.
She falls with a THUD.
The Bagger appears.
Waving a red-smeared butcher knife.
Put 'em where I can see 'em, Speer.
And relax your sphincter muscles,
cause I'm coming in.