Killing Bitches

Happy Monday, crime scenesters! It's once again that time. Time to clean and load your favorite weapon, holster up, and head on over to the coolest joint in cyberspace, where the action is always hardboiled ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from NOWHERE GIRLS, we meet the deadly assassin Shao Lin and her two assistants, who are right now dressed like Japanese schoolgirls, and who have just been assigned to kill our heroes ...


EXT. UNIVERSAL STUDIOS - CITYWALK - NIGHT
A bustling, overcrowded fake street lined with tourist shit,
overpriced shitty restaurants, theme-bars,
and hordes of fat, bustling TOURISTS
gawking at all the bright and shiny crap.

Standing in front of a Hooters restaurant
is a group of JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRLS, chattering and giggling.
They wear sailor smocks, plaid miniskirts and knee-high white socks.

One of the girls, a tall, striking curvy goblet of dumplings
looks at her pocketbook as it VIBRATES.
She pulls out her cell phone, steps away from the group.

Meet SHAO LIN (25), a toxic cocktail of lethal proportions.
Beauty, brains and bullets. Shaken AND stirred.

SHAO
This is Shao --
(listens)
Of course --
(listens)
I see. Sounds dangerous.
I LOVE IT.
(listens)
Sure thing.
Text me coordinates.
We’re on our way.
(listens)
Dead or alive?
(eyes wide)
Thank YOU, Sir.
You know how to make girl very happy. Bye.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Waves at a couple of the girls.
They scuttle over. Look serious. Inquisitive.

TALL JAPANESE GIRL
What up, girlfriend?

MUSCULAR JAPANESE GIRL
We have job?

Meet NASHI (19) and SUZU (20),
Shao’s junior assassins.

SHAO
(nods, serious)
You see on news about American girls
involved with terrorist at White House?

NASHI
(makes a fist)
Of course. Was horrible.

SUZU
(nods)
Bad girls. Very bad.

SHAO
We’ve just been assigned to GET THEM.
(big smile)
Dead or alive.

Nashi and Suzu jump up and down excitedly.
Start giggling.

Shao folds her arms across her chest. Angry.

SHAO
Girls, girls.
Remember, we are PROFESSIONALS.
You must act accordingly.

They calm down.
Suddenly look grim. Serious.

NASHI
Of course. Very sorry.
I have been suitably chastised.

SUZU
Yes. Killing bitches is solemn act,
for which we are most honored.

A trio of FRAT BOYS walk up to the girls.
Drunk. Grinning.

FAT, DRUNK FRAT BOY
Look, guys -- a combination platter.

RED-FACED FRAT BOY
You likee won long dong?

OBNOXIOUS FRAT BOY
No tickie, no dirty.

They ERUPT with LAUGHTER.
High-fiving each other.

Suddenly, in a BLUR OF SPEED,
Nashi WHIPS OUT nunchucks,
CRACK-CRACKS them over her head,
and HURLS them at Fat.

They WRAP AROUND HIS NECK. He GAGS.
She WHIRLS around in the air --
and KICKS him in the stomach. OOF, He goes DOWN.

At the same time, Suzu FLIES in the air.
GRABS Red Face and Obnoxious by the head,
and CRACKS them together. KONK.

They vibrate a moment,
then hit the ground, THWUMP.

SHAO
(nods)
Very good. Warm up round.

A NERDY SECURITY GUARD walks over.
Looks at the frat boys.

NERDY SECURITY GUARD
What’s going on over here?
Did you do that to them?

SHAO
Watchoo gonna do about it, FAT BOY?

NERDY SECURITY GUARD
(starts backing away)
Uh, nothing. Sorry. Never mind.
I’ve seen KILL BILL --
(beat)
Please don’t hurt me.