Learning the Ropes

Hello, sports fans. Happy Monday. 'I don't like Mondays,' indeed ...

Pulled a muscle in my back in my sleep last night, and I've only been operating at half-power today. Damn, it hurts. But I got the page count done. Things are really heating up in GUN-WILD. We'll get back to it when I get to the big finish. You deserve at least that.

Screened RESERVATION ROAD last night, a nifty little crime drama starring Mark Ruffalo, Joaquin Pheonix, Jennifer Connelly, and -- hold onto our hats -- Mira Sorvino. Great cast in a nasty little revenge thriller about what happens when you kill someone's kid in a hit and run accident.

The father might just come looking for you ...

Onto today's scene from DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED. Now, I've described Carrie Love as a PI, and she becomes one later in the story -- after she gets thrown off the police force. I don't mean t0 give anything away, but I was thinking that you're wondering why a private investigator is working as a cop. Huh?

That's why.

So let's meet Carrie's partner on the force, homicide detective Bernie Keko. He's also her ex-husband, and is a LITTLE BIT pissed off that she left him ... for another woman.

Places, please ...

***

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - SQUAD ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Carrie’s being grilled by homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s),

Armenian, good-looking on a budget, an angry Russell Crowe-type.

With a sense of humor.

CARRIE (V.O.)

That’s my soon-to-be ex-husband Bernie.

A decent guy -- when he’s not being a stubborn,

jealous mass of insecure testosterone.

CLOSE ON

Bernie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Can’t really blame him, though.

Imagine how you would feel if you found out

your woman was leaving you -- for another woman.

(beat)

Bad example. Half of you probably just got aroused.

KEKO

You’re drinking on duty again, Legs.

You smell like you went down on Jim Beam.

And that’s the third vehicle you’ve trashed this month.

You’ve used up all your second chances, babe.

Lipshitz is gonna can that tight little ass of yours.

CARRIE

Hey, it’s not gonna be believable

if my breath smells like fucking Aquafresh.

It’s called undercover, hello?

I can’t sit there sucking on a wheat grass smoothie, for chrissakes.

And as for the car, I was chasing a perp.

Can I help it if Venice Beach is so treacherous?

In case you didn’t notice -- I GOT THE COLLAR.

Police chief LARRY LIPSHITZ (50s) strolls in. Weary.

Seen it all. Small and round.

In a perfect universe -- Danny DeVito.

LIPSHITZ

You two. I could hear you all the way down the hall in the can.

(beat)

Only place I can get any peace around here.

KEKO

She started it.

CARRIE

Don’t look at me, chief --

I’m just kneeling at the altar of Detective Mackey here.

LIPSHITZ

Bernie, you gotta grieving widow waiting for you upstairs.

(to Carrie)

And you, Miss Legs -- you’re off the homeless thing.

CARRIE

What? You can’t --

KEKO

(grins, starts toward the door)

I told you --

CARRIE

But I almost have that fucker.

LIPSHITZ

We’re putting you on the copycat movie killer thing.

KEKO

(stops, whirls around)

Hey, that’s MY case.

CARRIE

Yeah, that’s HIS case.

LIPSHITZ

Correction, it’s both your case’s now.

(sighs)

We’ve got three more bodies sprayed like chunks in sauce

on a porn soundstage in the valley.

The press is having a fucking field day --

and the commissioner is so far up my ass,

my prostrate is deciding on a bridal registry.

We need someone on the inside.

(off Carrie’s look)

Pun intended.

CARRIE

On the inside where? A porn shoot?

LIPSHITZ

Yeah. Ilona found a guy on the ‘net that shoots amateur videos --

and what look like fake snuff films.

Remember Bruce Ball? The guy you were after last year

on that S&M reality show thing?

We think he might be the perp.

(beat)

And Duquesne says he just started principal photography.

CARRIE

And, what -- you want me to spread my legs

for truth, justice and the eight-o’clock news?

KEKO

Why do you think they call you a peace officer?

CARRIE

You expecting the lame ‘undercover’ joke?

(to Larry)

I’ll go get waxed right away.

KEKO

Larry, we went over this. I’m going undercover.

Do my Dirk Diggler thing.

LIPSHITZ

I don’t think you can -- pull it off.

KEKO

Pull it off? Pull it off?

Are you casting aspersions on my -- swordsmanship?

LIPSHITZ

It’s an all-girl flick, Bernie.

(beat)

Light bondage.

CARRIE

Cool.

KEKO

(eyes light up)

All girls?

CARRIE

What’s the title?

LIPSHITZ

Learning the Ropes. Catchy, huh.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face. Raring to go.

CARRIE

I certainly hope so.

***