Hello, crime scenesters. Another day, another body. Get ready for another heapin' helpin' of hot, fresh pulp shenannigans. Come on in. Hope you're packing ...Thought you'd like to know that I'm nearing the finish line of GUN-WILD. Am up to page 115, and am at the very end ... the big, explosive finale where Rod and Cam go out in a hail of bullets, ala BONNIE & CLYDE. So sad to see them go ... but at least they will live in history on the screen and in your home theater.
Screened STREET KINGS last night, and HOLY SHIT, was that a great film. I don't know how this one fell between the cracks, because it was fucking awesome. Keanu Reeves, Forrest Whitaker and Hugh Laurie in a nasty LA cop story --by James Ellroy(!) I'm a big Ellroy fanatic, and it was thrilling to see one of his demented, twisted dark stories come to life on the screen. RENT THIS. If you love hardboiled crime, this one's for you ...
I hope you're enjoying DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED. At the risk of sounding ... I dunno, strange ... it's an older project of mine ... and my writing has gotten much better in the five years since I wrote this (screenplay number 5), but I'll always have a soft spot for this one. Part black comedy/part crime thriller/part horrific murder story.
So let's get on with it ...
In part one, homicide dick Carrie Love gets suspended from the force.
In part two, Sparkle Plenty finds her next victim ... at the video store.
***
INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - CORRIDOR - EXIT - NIGHT
Larry chases after Carrie and Bernie.
LIPSHITZ
I hate surprises, Legs.
Tell me what she said.
CARRIE
(pushes the door open)
We can’t tell you yet, Lare --
don’t want to let the cat out of her pants.
But I promise, when I do --
you’ll be the first to know.
KEKO
(blocks the door)
She’s lying, Carrie.
You’re so full of shit it makes my head spin.
(to Larry)
We got bupkiss, chief.
CARRIE
Bupkiss? Nice vocabulary.
Get the fuck out of my way.
KEKO
Nice mouth. Officer.
(to Larry)
She promised Miss Range Rover immunity --
and all she did was give up her boss.
CARRIE
I’ll give you something if you don’t get out of my way.
LIPSHITZ
Stop right where you are, you two.
You’ve got some ‘splaining to do.
CARRIE
The Ricky Ricardo routine isn’t gonna work this time, chief.
Just let me do my job. Don’t I always get results?
Pause.
LIPSHITZ
I like you Carrie, I really like you.
In spite of your attitude, your insults,
your total disregard for procedure --
I like you.
(beat)
That’s why this kills me.
But I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask
for your badge and your gun.
(beat)
You’re suspended for a week.
CARRIE
What?
KEKO
YES.
CARRIE
You’re suspending me?
LIPSHITZ
Like a Catholic girl who’s been caught
with her hand in the cookie puss.
(beat)
Your badge and your gun, Carrie. Please.
She bitterly, painfully -- hands them over.
LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
You wanna know what the straw was that bent the camel’s dick?
CARRIE
To be honest with you, Lare -- I could really give a shit.
There’s a copycat serial killer working her way through
the hot 100 movie murders --
and you’re gonna take me out of the game?
LIPSHITZ
Consider it a seventh-inning stretch.
(beat)
Dare’s lawyer hit the roof.
You kept the ice princess in a holding cell for an hour --
and then an interrogation room for three.
Without counsel. A phone call.
Or a trip to the fucking head.
When the shyster finally got to her,
after her father called him --
she’d wet her pants.
KEKO
That’s a shame. Those were nice pants.
CARRIE
I was trying a new strategy.
KEKO
Nicotine withdrawal’s a bitch.
And so are you.
LIPSHITZ
Do you know who the fuck her father is?
CARRIE
Some rich asshole?
LIPSHITZ
Think dinosaurs. Feel-good concentration camp comedies.
Cuddly, sexless aliens.
PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Light bulb flickering.
DISSOLVE TO:
An E.T. T-SHIRT. Faded. Original owner.
CAMERA pulls back to reveal --
INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
The shirt is worn by a PRETTY MEXICAN MAID (18).
She pushes a cart in front of Sparkle’s door.
KNOCK-KNOCKS.
IN THE BATHROOM
Bruce jerks against his restraints.
BANG, BANGS on the pipe.
IN THE HALLWAY
The maid hears something, but --
ANGRY MALE BOSS (O.S.)
Effie! I toldya to clean up the bathroom in 12 --
the crime scene is gone,
and you gotta get the brains right away,
before they hard’n up.
PUSH IN ON
the maid’s face. She closes her eyes.
IN THE BATHROOM
CLOSE ON --
Bruce’s eyes. Bugged out. In terror -- and tears.
CLOSE ON --
A pair of frightened eyes -- on a poster.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.
CAMERA pulls back to reveal --
INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle cruises the aisles. Home at last.
A SIGN
reads CULT.
SPARKLE
picks out a video, examines it.
THE TAPE
reads in glorious Technicolor,
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE II.
SPARKLE
makes a face. Nope.
SPARKLE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Again.
ANOTHER VIDEO
reads THE HONEYMOON KILLERS.
SPARKLE
rolls her eyes. As if.
SPARKLE
Kitch me with a spoon.
DISSOLVE TO:
Movie art. Shimmering with light.
PET SEMATARY.
Sparkle hugs it to her chest.
Absolutely delighted.
SPARKLE
See Spot. See Spot run.
(beat)
See Spot’s brains splattered in the street.
AT THE COUNTER
A snotty, HIPSTER CLERK looks at Sparkle’s selections.
HIPSTER CLERK'
Pet Sematary.' Funny movie. Props to Mary Lambert.
SPARKLE
(weird smile)
Watch it, bub. Comedy isn’t pretty. It can kill ya.
HIPSTER CLERK
(looks at the register)
You’re, uh -- credit card declined.
SPARKLE
No way. Do it again. Machine’s fucked up.
HIPSTER CLERK
I’ve tried it twice, doll. You’re maxed.
Tough toenails.
Pause.
SPARKLE
(too nice)
Well then, you have a -- great day, there, Mister.
EXT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle lies in wait in the rear alley behind a dumpster.
SPARKLE
We guarantee. You’ll go home happy.
The back door opens.
Out walks Mr. Cool.
Sparkle JUMPS him.
JABS a STUN GUN to his neck.
SPARKLE (CONT’D)
I wanna talk to you about your LATE RETURN POLICY.
***
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