The Law Enforcement Shit

Happy Hump Day, groovesters. Need a break from the mundane? Come on inside and get a taste of human depavity. A total, reckless lack of respect for human life. A crazed, thrill-ride of blood lust? You bet. Get your asses in here ...

Having lunch today with another noir/hardboiled screenwriter. Can't fucking wait. Always fun to discuss your passion with a fellow knucklehead. Another scribe. Another crime buff. And another new contact courtesy of Facebook. We worked at the same movie studio a few years ago, but never actually met. Who knew? Good times.

Screened RANSOM last night for the first time. I like some of Ron Howard's films, if I like the subject matter. Last screened THE MISSING a few weeks ago, and really loved it. Although I'm not a big mainstream movie fan (at least not for current films -- gimme stuff from the 70's any day), sometimes I can enjoy a good popcorn flick, and also study the filmmaking. This was a good one -- it starts off as your standard kidnapping story -- but then takes a seriously different turn. Good stuff. Great performances from Mel Gibson, Rene Russo and Delray Lindo -- but the big surprise for me was the casting of the kidnappers -- Gary Sinise, Liev Shrieber and Lili Taylor. Nice. Check it out if you haven't.

Onto today's joint from DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED. First up, Carrie decides to tail porn director (and Sparkle murder victim) Bruce Ball's head of production, Dina Dare. Next, we see Sparkle start to have her way with the arrogant video store clerk ... in her reenactment of PET SEMATARY.

Not for faint of heart, kiddies ...

***

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - PARKING LOT - NIGHT

From a distance we see Dina chatting with her GUCCI ATTORNEY.

Definitely the 'big guns.'

CARRIE

charges outside, muttering to herself.

CARRIE

Why don’t you just whip them out, see who’s got the bigger --

She sees Dina. Stops.

The brunette beauty and her lawyer shake hands.

He leaves.

Dina sees Carrie.

Turns, briskly goes to her car.

CARRIE

turns around. Sprints off toward --

A SURVEILLANCE SUV

A tricked-out monstrosity with blackened windows.

Carrie RAPS a drumbeat. Then again.

The door opens with a PFFUT, and --

Out pops ILONA RAMIREZ,

a curvy bullet of a woman stuffed into a leather catsuit.

Armed to the gills. Packing, too.

ILONA

Hey there, spitfire. What’cha got on the grill?

CARRIE

I need to borrow your van.

(pulls out wad of cash)

Rent it, actually. I’m on hiatus.

ILONA

I told you, it’s not a van, it’s a fuckin’ SUV, girlfren --

got eight cylinders, microwave DSL,

heat-seaking stealth mikes.

This is the law enforcement shit, lady dick.

CARRIE

Please accept my profuse apologies --

(ton of subtext)

Ilona.

ILONA

Put away the bankroll. I’m driving.

CARRIE

This could be dangerous, Lona.

ILONA

Yeah, right.

That’s what you said that night on the beach in San Juan.

CARRIE

Don’t remind me.

(beat)

I’m still having lower back problems.

EXT. 'THE INTERNATIONAL' MOTEL - NIGHT

Ridiculous. Flags from around the world painted on a cinder block bunker.

Behind a gas station in 'The Hood.’ Hello.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult’s DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS.

Sexy -- oozing promises of pleasure. Pain. Release.

The HIPSTER VIDEO CLERK

is in a human-size dog costume,

tied up with electrical tape on the couch.

The head sits nearby.

Sparkle fastens a ball gag in his mouth.

SPARKLE

Good boy, that’s a good boy.

Now we’re gonna play a few tricks.

The clerk JERKS UP, stands.

FIGHTS against his restraints.

Sparkle WHACKS him on the ass with a wooden paddle.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)

(WHACKS on each 'bad')

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad -- BOY!

No treats for YOU!

(WHACK)

I told Mama not to get a stray from the pound.

She pulls out a huge, gleaming, hooked FISH-GUTTIN KNIFE.

SPARKLE (CONT'D)

Now look what you’re making me do.

The boy’s eyes flash frightened tears.

SPARKLE (CONT'D)

I know, it makes me cry when we have to put doggie to sleep.