Crime Scene Bitches

Happy Friday, crime scene bitches. How the fork are ya? You made your big, holiday weekend plans yet? Well, before you get the party started, I've got a shindig for you right here. So put on your getaway shoes, and get the heck in here. The crime is hot, the cocktails strong, and the chicks are cool ...

Screened another nice one last night. MIMIC, featuring the always delectable Mira Sorvino. Totally forgot that it was directed by my man Guillermo Del Toro. Boy, does he have a way with creepy crawlies. Also featured Charles Dutton ... and F. Murray Abraham? F. Murray did look like he was having fun 'slumming it' in the slime, though. Chewed the scenery, but not Mira. C'est la vie. Always thought Mira would be great as Carrie Love ...

Onto today's joint from Wilshire Boulevard ...

In part 1, Ken Rice shoots a porno with Rat Kodick, the monster he picke up at Scandals, along with a rather 'unusual' young starlet.

In part 2, Carrie gets grilled by her former partner -- and husband -- Bernie Keko, at the scene of the crime.

***

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - DAY

One of those cheap flea-bag by-the-hour joints

on Sunset deep in the scuzzy bowels of Hollywood.

Weird, old disco plays on a large, ancient boombox.

IT’S GOT TO BE LOVE, indeed.

A small fan pushes gusts of air over --

A tall, BEAUTIFUL GIRL (19) poses for us.

Azure eyes. Legs for days. And weeks.

She moves with the music.

Coltish, a bit awkward.

Which makes it sexier.

Behind the camcorder,

Ken Rice adjusts the lens.

KEN

Lovely. Just lovely.

You have the face of an angel, Nikki.

(dramatic)

Okay -- PLACES, PLEASE.

And -- ACTION.

A door opens. In walks the MONSTER we saw at Scandals.

Meet RAT KODICK, West Hollywood’s answer to Ratso Rizzo.

Without the charm. A hulking, sweaty mass of useless flesh.

RAT

(to the girl)

Hey, baby. What’s cookin’?

NIKKI

(gives him the once-over)

Apparently, you are.

He walks over to her.

Places his hands on her ass.

RAT

I’d love to put something in your oven.

NIKKI

Mmmm. That’s funny, cause I’m awfully hungry --

A cell phone RINGS.

Nikki races over to a knapsack on the kitchenette counter.

Pulls out a cell phone. Listens.

NIKKI (CONT’D)

Hello?

(beat)

Oh, hi --

KEN

Stop! Cut! What are you DOING?

NIKKI

(male voice)

It’s my father. Hold on to your wig.

‘Nikki’ listens. Lights up a smoke.

NIKKI (CONT'D)

I can’t talk, I’m in class right now.

(beat)

Music? I’m in music class --

(beat)

My grades? But I’ve got the rest of the year to --

(beat)

Dinner? Well, I dunno --

I have this exam I have to cram for --

(beat)

Alright, okay. See you then.

Nikki angrily CLICKS the phone shut.

STOMPS her foot.

NIKKI (CONT’D)

Stupid old FUCK.

She pulls out a coke snifter.

HONKS a bump. Then another.

KEN

Everything okay?

NIKKI

(smiles sweetly)

Never better.

Nikki picks up her cat MADEA,

a tiny teacup Chihuahua.

NIKKI (CONT'D)

(strokes it)

How’s my little precious?

You love your mommy, don’t you?

You’ll protect me from the big, bad Daddy, won’t you?

INT. CARRIE’S JOINT - LIVING ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

The swinging, sultry bossa nova of Astrid Gilberto’s

So Nice (Summer Samba) on the mega-stereo over --

Carrie and Landon, spiffed up in tight jeans and wife-beaters.

They’re splayed out on the large, sectional couch

sipping Coronas with lime wedges.

Carrie sports a bag of ice.

CARRIE

So tell me again why we broke up?

LANDON

Uh, I met my boyfriend Zack?

CARRIE

Oh, yeah -- that’s it.

A loud KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK at the door.

CARRIE (CONT’D)

Cue the fuzz.

In walks Bernie. Shaking his head.

He checks out the girls.

BERNIE

Ladies.

(nods at the beer)

Got another one of those?

CARRIE

You’re on duty.

Pause.

BERNIE

Okay, we’ve got one dead hippie next door.

Clumsily hidden in a sofa bed.

CARRIE

That would be Kip Slobotnik.

BERNIE

Kip got capped three times in the face.

At EXTREMELY close range.

Actually, there’s not much of a face left.

CARRIE

Serves the greasy fucker right.

BERNIE

Excuse me?

CARRIE

He made my life a living nightmare.

Up all night blasting bad music,

getting in my face, hitting on my chicks --

BERNIE

Looks like somebody might have a motive --

CARRIE

Can it, Bernie. You think I killed Mr. Natural,

then knocked myself out in the alley

where I could be found?

Pause.

BERNIE

Can you come and identify the body?

CARRIE

With pleasure.

LANDON

(gets up)

Okay. That’s my cue. Gotta date with Zack.

See ya later.

CARRIE

And just where are you two lovebirds going?

LANDON

We’re gonna go see the new Vin Diesel flick,

then go to ‘Hot Dog On A Stick.’

Bernie’s eyes light up.

CARRIE

ZIP IT, buster. Not a word.

BERNIE

But I was just gonna --

CARRIE

No.

BERNIE

Ask her if they had --

CARRIE

BERNIE.

BERNIE

Bearded clams on a bun.

Carrie shakes her head in disgust.

BERNIE (CONT’D)

See? It wasn’t a dick joke.