Pet Sematary

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, police chief Larry Lipshitz plays a gruesome tape made by under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty for the homicide detectives which turns more than their stomachs ...


INT. POLICE STATION - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - NIGHT
Bernie sits across from Larry’s desk.
A half-dozen HOMICIDE DETECTIVES stand
around, chatting, drinking coffee.

Lipshitz looks like shit,
eyes hollow sockets.

He pulls out a brown bottle.
Pours some into his coffee. Takes a sip.

LIPSHITZ
(to Bernie)
My wife was crying last night,
couldn’t get any sleep,
we were up all night --
(beat)
We gotta get this -- succubus, Bernie.

KEKO
I’m there like white on rice, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Thanks for the banality, Bernie.
It’s oddly comforting.
(looks around)
Alright, everybody listen up.
We got another tape.
(beat)
Actually, it’s a CD.
The killer’s gone digital.

WISEASS DETECTIVE
Let’s hear it,
I’m getting a chubby already.

LIPSHITZ
Shut the fuck up MacDonald, you prick.
You think this is funny?

MACDONALD
No, sir -- I was just trying to lighten the mood.
They say that humour during a time of crisis --

KEKO
Why don’t you go to the morgue, MacDonald,
get laid, and leave us to the detecting.

MACDONALD
Fuck you, Keko -- you’re just pissed off
cause your wife went bearded clam-digging.
(bad Brit accent)
Shall we shag-carpet-munch now,
or should we shag-carpet munch later?

The detectives chuckle.

LIPSHITZ
SHUT UP.

Silence.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Now pay attention -- this one’s a doozy.

He goes to a boombox, punches a button.
The sexy coo of Donna Summer’s
LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABY oozes into the room.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Dammit.

COLACCHIO
Love the gay disco, chief.
Somethin’ you wanna tell us?

LIPSHITZ
Fuck you. It’s my daughter’s --
(changes CDs)
Okay. Now everybody shut the fuck up.

Lipshitz hits the ‘play’ button.
The Ramones come on, the catchy
pop-punk of PET SEMATARY.

JOEY RAMONE
(singing)
I don’t want to be buried,
in a pet cemetery, I don’t
want to live my life again --

The music fades, and we hear --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
(sings along)
And the night when the wolves cry out,
listen careful, and you can hear me shout --
I don’t I don’t want to be buried,
in a pet cemetery --
(giggles)
Thanks for tuning in.
It’s time to par-tay, dog-gone it.
(laughs)
Damn, I crack myself up. Gotta watch that.
A shredded corpse is no laughing matter,
isn’t that right, awficer?
(sings)
Hey, officer Krupke,
I feel pretty, oh so pretty --

KEKO
Broad babbles more than Courtney Love on crank.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Paramount Pictures released PET SEMATARY
in 1988, a solid base hit.
The ten million dollar budget was well spent,
considering that it grossed
twenty-five million domestically --
and that’s not counting
international and ancillary revenues.
(beat)
Steven King doesn’t consider it to be
a good adaptation of his novel,
since the director went with
a semi-comedic tone, which hurts
the scare factor, I must say.
(beat)
But still, it’s good, clean, sick fun.
A personal fave. Two thumbs up my vag,
thas’ fah shure.
(beat)
Today’s installation is an example of
what happens when a petty little dog turd
uses his power over people.
Well, this is the end of the line,
chopping down the family cherry tree, bub.
Buster Hymen time.
(spooky)
Don’t forget -- to spay and neuter your pet.

Then, the sickly sound of a knife
making rapid puncture wounds --
THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-
THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK.

A chill runs through the room.
Keko leans forward, in shock.

LIPSHITZ
Here’s where it really gets good --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Film is a collaborative art --
but since I’m an orphan,
I need parenting, guidance.
A firm, loving hand to --
to stop me before I --
(beat)
I’ve got my adoption papers.
Can the 42nd Precinct’s golden couple
save me before the end of the third act?

KEKO
Holy shit.

LIPSHITZ
Whaddaya think, Daddy?

KEKO
I think -- I gotta go find Carrie.

LIPSHITZ
First go take a look at the body.
And brace yourself. Crime scene tech
still can’t keep anything down.

PUSH IN on Bernie’s face.
Not excited.