Divorce, American Style

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In Chapter 32 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love and her ex-husband/ex-partner Bernie Keko listen to another crime scene tape recorded by under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - DAY
Larry sits behind his desk.
Sips his designer coffee.

LIPSHITZ
Damn, that’s good.
Who knew Ethiopia had such --

A sharp KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK on the door.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Come in.

It opens. Bernie strides in.
Stops. Looks behind him.

KEKO
Carrie. C’mon.

Carrie shuffles in. Dishevelled.
Stinking of last night.

CARRIE
(low)
Hey, Chief.

LIPSHITZ
Jesus, look who the cat fucked in.
Nice outfit. Where’s your shopping cart?

She goes to a chair.
Pours herself into it.

CARRIE
Didn’t know the rules applied
when I’m suspended.

KEKO
I found her in a bar, Chief --

LIPSHITZ
Can it, and sit your ass down.
This is serious business.
I’ve got no time for your
‘Divorce American Style’ crap.
(to Carrie)
You’re here Carrie because we
believe you were the last person
to see Ms. Daerr alive.

CARRIE
How could that be?
She was here at the station,
and tons of people were --

LIPSHITZ
Ramirez has a surveillance tape
from the morning she was killed.
(beat)
You really get around, don’tcha.

Busted.

CARRIE
(turning red)
Look, I can explain --

LIPSHITZ
And I don’t wanna hear it.
I could give a holy fuck.
I just want you to listen to this tape --
and tell me if Daerr said anything
or did anything that could
shed some light on this madness.

He points to a boombox on his desk.
Punches ‘play.’

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Hey there, film freaks!
Welcome to Murder Fone!
If you know the name of the grisly
dead body you want to see, press ONE.
If you know the name of the movie
that’s being depicted, press TWO.
And if you know the name of the
brilliant auteur, press THREE.

They exchange glances.
Lipshitz rolls his eyes.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Time’s up! BUZZZZZ.
(beat)
Pathetic. You rubes probably watch reality TV.
The cultural scourge of this once-great nation.
(beat)
I’m talking Brian DePalma, people!
Brian Fucking De-Palma.
The. Man. Gimmee five.
Gimmee some skin.
Gimmee some skin flick.
(beat)
DRESSED TO KILL was unleashed on the world
by Paramount Pictures back in ‘82.
Although most critics initially
dismissed it as a blatant,
cheesy Hitchcock rip-off,
it more than holds up today
as an erotic, beautifully shot mis en scene --
a pre-postmodern noir of elegant pacing.
It briefly let Angie Dickinson
shine again in a ‘brave performance’ --
(beat)
And it was a fucking brilliant plot device
to have what seemed to be a major character
sliced and diced like that thirty minutes in --
(beat)
Poor, bloody, sexy baby in creamy beige
lying in the elevator, shredded to ribbons --
(beat)
So, I said to myself, ‘self? How can I top that?
(giggles)
Guess the meat grinder takes it to the next level, huh.
(beat)
Don’t worry. I thought of making
devilled sandwiches out of her --
but even I have some limits.
Crazed, genius serial killer, oui --
depraved cannibal, no.
(beat)
Oh, and Carrie -- you and Bernie
better get your shit together.
‘Cause the end of the third act
is gonna get very messy.

Silence.

CARRIE
I feel sick.
(beat)
And oddly hungry all of a sudden.

LIPSHITZ
Did Daerr mention anybody she was mad at?
Or who was mad at her? Her ex, maybe?
I mean, seeing as how she was a muff-diver,
you might have some insight into the matter.

Carrie shoots him a look.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Nothing? Well, look -- here’s the deal.
She’s made it personal, has some
fucked up thing for you and Bernie.
But unfortunately for me,
you’re off the team for now.

CARRIE
I’d come back to work if you asked me nicely.

LIPSHITZ
I want you to go home and think, think hard.
And get your shit together. Don’t spiral down
into a black void of sex, alcohol and despair.
(friendly)
‘Cause if you do, I’ll kill ya.

Carrie stands. Nods.
Goes to the door.
Called on her shit.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
Nice to see you, Chief --

And she’s gone. Larry gets up.

KEKO
I think you got to her, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Let’s just hope she doesn’t get to herself.
(points at the door)
I want you and Valentine to keep
checking out those clubs. It’s our only lead.

KEKO
(as he leaves)
Don’t worry. We’ll get the bitch.

LIPSHITZ
So what does she want with Love and Keko?
Must’ve had a fucked up childhood --