Blood Gets In Your Eyes

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her secret lesbian lover, personal trainer Jett Targo, check on Haven's retired film director husband Dart's health after he suffers a nasty fall ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - GALLEY ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Jett follows Haven onto the boat.

JETT
You can’t tell anyone else about us.
If we’re going to -- do this,
nobody can know we’re --
(a whisper)
In a relationship.

HAVEN
You’re right.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t --
(realizes)
Did you say we’re -- in a relationship?

Jett takes Haven’s hand.
Holds it to her heart.

JETT
You make me feel something
I’ve never felt before, Haven.
For the first time in my life,
I feel ALIVE. Like I can do anything.
Be anyone. Go anywhere.

HAVEN
I’m with you, baby.
(beat)
Straight down the line.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - DART’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Jett and Haven kneel
at the side of the bed.

Watch Dart.
Sleeping peacefully.

JETT
We should wake him.

HAVEN
What should I tell him about you?

JETT
That I’m your personal trainer,
and I know alot about --

Dart’s eyes OPEN. Groggy.

DART
(to Jett)
Who the fuck are you?

HAVEN
This is my trainer, Dart.
She heard what happened, and
wanted to take a look at you,
see if you’re okay --

JETT
Hello, Mr. Crayce.
I’m a big fan.

DART
Trainer? You hired a trainer?
I’m not going to pay for --

JETT
I’m not charging her, Mr. Crayce.
We met walking our dogs.
Haven told me about
having chronic back pain,
and I offered to show her an
exercise routine that would help.

DART
Out of the goodness of your heart.

JETT
Well, sir -- it’s what I do.
I was raised in a good, Christian family,
and I was taught to do unto others --

DART
You said you’re a fan of mine?

JETT
Oh, yeah -- I’m a big movie buff.

DART
What’s your favorite film of mine?

JETT
Blood Gets In Your Eyes.
Bogart and Stanwyck, together for
the first time. Perfect film.
(beat)
Is it true that the original leads
were Ronald Reagan and Jane Wyatt?

DART
Why, yes -- but, how did you -- ?

JETT
Robert Osbourne.
Turner Movie Classics.
Never miss it.

DART
That Bobby Osbourne.
What a little rascal.
I owe him a lunch.

HAVEN
How are you feeling?
How’s your head?

DART
My head is fine.
It’s my ass that’s killing me.

JETT
No blurry vision?
Heart palpitations?

DART
I’m just fine, young lady.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, it’s
almost time for my dialysis, and my --

Dart looks at Haven. A lewd grin.

HAVEN
Physical therapy.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Horrified.

Bound For Pleasure

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Filthy, Stinking Rich

Happy Holidaze, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her lesbian lover Jett Targo make a plan to kill Haven's elderly husband for his money ...


INT. HAVEN'S HOUSE BOAT - NIGHT

Jett goes to the bar.
Looks at the framed pictures of Dart
with various Hollywood stars of old.

DART AND CARY GRANT
playing golf.
Cary and GRACE KELLY watch him put.

WITH JANE GREER
directing her and Robert Mitchum.
She’s behind the wheel of a big Cadillac.
He’s got a gun. They’re all laughing.

DART AND FRANK SINATRA
at a swanky nightclub in Vegas
with Dean, Sammy, Joey and Peter.

Watching him blow out birthday
candles on a big cake.

IN DART’S BEDROOM
he lies in bed, eyes closed.
Haven’s arm is under the covers,
slowly going up and down.
Her face a dark storm cloud.

IN THE MAIN CABIN
Jett goes to a cabinet.
Opens a door, revealing --

An OSCAR. Best Director.
Coated with a thin layer of dust.

She gingerly picks it up. Blows on it.
Raises it up. Does an arm curl. Stops.
Looks at her reflection in the glass.

JETT (CONT’D)
(softly)
I’d like to thank the Academy --

HAVEN (O.C.)
Thank god you’re still here.

Jett quickly puts the Oscar back, embarrassed.

JETT
Sorry, I --

HAVEN
You know how many times I’ve wanted
to smash him over the head
with that goddamn Oscar?

JETT
(scared)
You shouldn’t -- say things like that.

HAVEN
You shouldn’t do a lot of things, Jett.
But it’s all I can think about.
I have to get out of here.
I’m going insane.
(goes to Jett, grabs her)
He’s rich, Jett. Filthy, stinking rich.
Think about what you and I
could do with all that money.
Go away somewhere.
Start a new life.
Be together. Be happy.
(tears in her eyes)
I haven’t been happy
in a long time, Jett.
And then I met you.
And then everything started
to fall into place.
I could see daylight
after so much darkness.
(a sob)
So much darkness --

Haven buries her face in Jett’s chest.
Softly sobs. Jett comforts her.
Looks around the room. Clearly confused.

JETT
So -- how much is he worth?

HAVEN
(pulls away, excited)
Then you’ll do it?

JETT
How much?

HAVEN
A few million. He’s got about --
eight hundred thousand in the bank.

JETT
Eight hundred thousand?

HAVEN
So you’ll do it?

JETT
I need to -- think about it.

But Haven won’t take no for an answer.
She slides off her top.

Presses her chest against
Jett’s. Sucks on her ear.

HAVEN
Please, Jett. I need you.
Don’t you want to be with me?

JETT
(swimming)
Y-yes -- I do --

HAVEN
(kisses her neck)
Aren’t you tired of training
fat, rich, yuppie assholes?

JETT
God, yes.

Haven’s hand slides down
to Jett’s zipper. Slowly rubs it.

HAVEN
And do you want me to keep
JERKING OFF the sonofabitch? EVERY DAY?

JETT
(delirious)
Of course not!

HAVEN
Then will you do it? For me?
(beat)
For us?

JETT
(closes her yes)
I’ll do it.
(beat)
I’ll do it.

Haven SQUEEZES Jett, embraces her.

HAVEN
Ohmigod, YES. Thank you, baby. Thank you.

JETT
But it has to be perfect.
We have to plan this carefully.
Everything is at stake.
One little mistake --

HAVEN
We’ll be careful.

JETT
(realizes, looks at watch)
Oh, shit -- I’ve got another client.
I’m going to be LATE.

HAVEN
(kisses Jett)
Then go, baby. I’ll see you -- tomorrow?

JETT
(smiles)
Tomorrow.
(goes to the door)
We’re -- really doing this.

HAVEN
(eyes flashing)
Together.

Jett smiles. Turns.

JETT
Together.

And she’s gone --

Whatever It Takes

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce confesses to lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo the hell that is her life, trapped on a houseboat with her diabetic retired film director husband ...


INT. DART’S HOUSEBOAT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
He lies in bed. Breakfast tray
on his lap. Watching TV.

ON THE SCREEN
we see a biography of Humphrey Bogart.

ROBERT OSBOURNE (O.C.)
Bogart got his big break on
High Sierra, co-starring Ida Lupino.
It was in this picture that Bogart,
playing an escaped convict,
was able to show his soft side,
when he takes a shine to a crippled girl,
and pays for an operation that will --

IN THE MAIN CABIN
Jett and Haven lie on the couch.
In each other’s arms.

HAVEN
I’m sorry that was so fast.
I haven’t --
(beat)
Made love in a while.

JETT
How -- long?

Haven BURSTS into tears.
Hangs onto Jett for dear life.

JETT (CONT’D)
(puts arms around her)
Hey, now -- it’s okay.
I’m sorry I asked.
It’s none of my business.

Haven JERKS away.
Eyes full of fury.

HAVEN
We haven’t had sex in FOUR YEARS,
since his diabetes got worse and
we moved onto this fucking BOAT.
I was his nurse, see --
and then he married me.
I thought it would help my acting career --
but then he got sick, and, and --
it got all FUCKED UP.

JETT
I know all about that.
Sometimes you have to do whatever
it takes to get what you want.
But sometimes it just --
doesn’t work out.
(beat)
And then you’re fucked.

Haven stares at her. Blinking.

HAVEN
EXACTLY.
And now he treats me like shit,
orders me around,
won’t let me have any friends,
won’t let me LEAVE.
Everything is delivered.
I can only go out to walk the dog.
I’m a fucking PRISONER.
I’m SUFFOCATING, and
I can’t TAKE IT anymore.
(low, urgent)
I wish he would DIE.

JETT
Shhh. You shouldn’t talk like that.

The bell RING-RING-RINGS.

HAVEN
(looks at her watch)
Shit, it’s time.

JETT
Go see what he wants.
I’ll wait here.

HAVEN
(slowly gets up, stands)
I know what he wants.
(beat)
It’s time for his -- hand job.

JETT
His what?

HAVEN
Right before we start the dialysis
machine, I have to jerk him off,
so he’ll fall asleep.
He says it relaxes him.
(beat)
Fucking Viagra.

JETT
Every day? How old IS he?

Haven goes to the door.

HAVEN
Too old to live.
(beat)
Don’t go?
(off Jett’s nod)
Think about what I said --
(scowling)
And think about what I
have to go do right now.

And she’s gone.

PUSH IN ON Jett’s face.
Scared to death.

JETT
What have I -- ?

Like A Virgin

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of A DISH BEST KILLED, on the houseboat next door, little person Nola Bliss watching B-movie starlet Haven Crayce get up close and personal with lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - DART’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dart is fast asleep.
Mouth open, like a child.

Haven watches the end credits go by.
Thunderstruck.

HAVEN
(quoting dialog)
'Straight down the line.'

PUSH IN ON Haven’s face. Thinking.

HAVEN
Ankle bracelet --

EXT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - ROOF DECK - MOMENTS LATER
A roof deck outside the bedroom doors.
With an old, oak hot tub.

Steam rises from the
bubbling black water.

Haven steps in. Her perfect, naked
body glistening in the moonlight.

HAVEN
(lowers herself in)
Ahhh --

She angles her waist
at one of the jets of water.

Lowers a bit. Finds the right spot.
Arches her back, a cat in heat.
Closes her eyes. Bites her lip. Shudders.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Sweet mother of Jesus --

IN JETT’S BEDROOM
She climaxes quietly.
Earth-shattering spasms of pleasure.

IN THE HOT TUB
Haven reaches a shuddering crescendo.

EXT. NEARBY HOUSEBOAT - ROOF DECK
In the moonlight we can see
a female LITTLE PERSON looking
at the Crayce boat through binoculars.
Sipping a can of beer.

Meet NOLA BLISS (30),
four-foot-tall elfin
star of stage and screen.

A blue-eyed redhead.
And a nosy, foul-mouthed party girl.

She lowers the binoculars.
Lights a smoke.

NOLA
What a fucking waste.

EXT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - REAR DECK - DAY
A brilliant, blindingly gorgeous
morning on the marina.

A workout machine has been set up.
The kind that can be adjusted
so someone can pull weights
from different angles.

Right now Haven is
sitting on the seat,
pulling the handles out,
away from her chest.
The weights CLANK-CLANK.

HAVEN
This feels SO GOOD -- I LOVE IT.

The handles go back in.
Haven PULLS OUT on them again.

JETT
(touches Haven’s shoulder)
That’s because we’re opening
up your chest muscles.
After years of being
clenched tight, bent over --
that’s why it feels so good.
(showing off a bit)
We’re doing low weight, lots of reps.
We don’t want any bulk,
just a nice definition.

Haven stops. Looks at Jett’s hand.
Then down at her chest.

HAVEN
Do you think I have
a -- nice definition?

JETT
(pulls hand away)
Uh, yeah.
(looks at watch)
Let’s stretch you out.

HAVEN
I like the sound of that.

Jett lays down a towel.
Haven gets off the machine.

Lies down on the mat.
Looks up at Jett.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Promise you’ll be gentle?

JETT
(trying to contain herself)
Of course.

Jett kneels.
Takes Haven’s foot,
places it on her shoulder.

A gold anklet glistens in the sunlight.
Jett stares it.

HAVEN
Like my anklet?

JETT
It’s -- nice.

HAVEN
Ever see Double Indemnity?

JETT
Sure.
(tries to compose herself)
Okay, just relax.
I’ll go slowly --

Jett carefully raises Haven’s
glorious, gleaming leg, until she
hears her give out a little moan.

JETT (CONT'D)
That’s good, that’s good.
Just breath into it --

A horn HONKS. Haven looks, sees --

TRIMMER WALTZ
in his Sheriff’s boat.
Right nearby. He waves.

HAVEN
Deputy Waltz.

TRIMMER
(big smile)
Please, I told you --
call me Trimmer,
all my friends do.
Who’s your chum?

HAVEN
This is Jett.
She’s my personal trainer.

JETT
Hello, officer.

TRIMMER
Hey, there.
Not TOO personal, I hope.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Haven stares. Eyes burning
with barely disguised contempt.

TRIMMER (CONT'D)
How’s your husband doing these days?
He feeling okay?

HAVEN
Just peachy.
Eight hours of dialysis,
and he’s fit as a fiddle.

TRIMMER
He’s awfully lucky to have
a gal like you look after him.

The radio SQUAWKS.
Trimmer gets it. Listens.

TRIMMER (CONT’D)
Copy that, I’m on my way --
Roger and out.
(shakes his head)
Got trouble on one
of the luxury yachts.
Yuppie bastard set
the galley on fire.
See you later, Haven.

And he cruises away
with a ROAR of his engine.

HAVEN
Goodbye, asshole.

JETT
He likes you.

HAVEN
Well, I don’t like him.
(a whisper)
I like -- you.

Jett blushes.
Haven gets closer.
Their bodies touch.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Do you -- like me?

JETT
Like you -- how?

HAVEN
Like this --

Haven softly kisses her.
Pulls back. Surveys the damage.

JETT
(hoarse whisper)
Like that --

Jett kisses back.
They melt into each other.

Jett’s hands stroke Haven’s curves,
slowly, carefully. Like a virgin.

HAVEN
(quiet)
You make me -- shiver.

And their passion takes off
like a blowtorch to dry kindling.

Hands, arms, lips everywhere
in a tornado of sin.

Haven STOPS. Looks around.
Grabs Jett’s hand --

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Not out here.
Come with me.

And pulls her inside the boat.

ON THE BOAT NEXT DOOR
Nola watches with binoculars
through her main window.

She lowers them.
Shakes her head. Wow.

NOLA
The little minx.

Double Indemnity

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of A DISH BEST KILLED, it's 'movie night' for B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her husband, retired film director Dart, aboard their houseboat ... while sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz watches from his boat ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - AT THAT MOMENT
Dart is propped up in bed.
Natty in a smoking jacket and ascot.

Haven sits in a chair by the bed,
resplendent in a fancy gown.

But no red carpet.
Just thick, brown shag.

DART
I can’t believe
you’ve never seen it.

HAVEN
So I’m seeing it now.

DART
Shhh.

ON THE SCREEN
we see titles: DOUBLE INDEMNITY.

DART (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Listen to that score.
They don’t compose ‘em
like that any more --

EXT. VOYAGE STREET - MOMENTS LATER
An ancient, ruined VW bug.
Engine idling. Facing the beach.

INSIDE THE CAR
we see Rush.
SNARFING up a big, fat
line off the dashboard.

He SHAKES his head.
Takes a drag of his smoke. Shudders.

INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Jett lies in bed in a white tank top.
Opens a drawer on the bedside table.

Takes out a vibrator.
Leans back. Flicks it on.

It disappears under the sheets.
She closes her eyes.

EXT. MARINA - NIGHT
A SHERIFF’S PATROL BOAT skims
across the water soundlessly.

At the wheel is deputy
TRIMMER WALTZ (28). Fit. Clean-cut.
Impossibly good-looking.

With a bright gleam in his eye.
Either brilliant or demented.
Maybe a combination of the two.

The skiff glides by the houseboat.
Trimmer hears the film.

TRIMMER
Every night with the old movies.
(toasts with a flask)
Someday, Haven -- I’m going to
rescue you from that watery prison.

And he takes a drink to that.

American Tweaker

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of A DISH BEST KILLED, lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo tangles with meth addict Rush Madder, a former partner in crime she thought she had escaped from ...


EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
An old apartment building between
two three-million dollar homes.

Jett stands on the front stoop.
Fishes out her keys.

Unlocks the door.
Starts to push it open, when --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Where have you been?
I’ve been waiting for over an hour.

Jett WHIPS AROUND to see --

RUSH MADDER (25). Blonde. Ghostly.
Jittery. Bloodshot eyes.

Pierced eyebrows. Skinny black jeans.
The all-American tweaker.

With that never-scrubbed
‘up for three days’ look.

JETT
Rush.
What are you doing here?

RUSH
(wipes his nose)
I thought we could hang out.

JETT
It’s over, Rush.
I told you.
I don’t want to see you anymore.
(starts to push the door closed)
I’m sorry, goodbye.

Rush GRABS the door.
Eyes flashing. Menacing sneer.

RUSH
Don’t close the fucking door on me!
I drove all the way from
Long Beach to see you,
and this is the thanks I get?
(beat)
I brought you a gift.
Check it out.

He pulls out a glass vial.
Holds it up. Sickly smile.

Jett SLAMS the door on Rush’s foot.
He SCREAMS in pain.

RUSH (CONT’D)
OW, Fuck!
That HURT --

Jett KICKS Rush’s foot out.
BANGS the door closed. LOCKS it.

JETT
(through the glass window)
I asked you to stay AWAY from me,
and I tried to be NICE about it,
but OBVIOUSLY that
doesn’t WORK with you.
I don’t want to SEE YOU anymore.
STAY AWAY from me.

RUSH
What did I do?
I never did anything to hurt you.
C’mon, Jett -- please.

JETT
GO AWAY!

She turns on her heel
and races up the stairs,
two at a time.

Sponge Bath And A Movie

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce tends to her husband, retied film director Dart Crayce, bedridden in their houseboat. Moments later, she returns downstairs to the galley, where she makes a date with her new 'friend,' lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo.


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
A large room which takes up
the entire third floor.

Hospital bed faces a giant
movie screen. Shades drawn.

Dimly lit by a single bedside lamp.
We see movie memorabilia in the shadows.

In bed lies DART CRAYCE (88).
Skeletal. White-haired, gimlet-eyed.
Sunken, ruined skin.

Right now he’s hooked up
to a dialysis machine,
hoses like tentacles.
The machine HUMS.

DART
What took you so long?

HAVEN
What are you talking about?
I came right away.

DART
I heard voices. Who’s down there?

HAVEN
Someone I met walking Buster.
She wanted to see the boat.

DART
A woman --

HAVEN
Of course, silly.
You’re the only man for me.

DART
Bring me a diet Vernor’s.
And it’s time to set up
the picture for tonight.

HAVEN
Right away. I’ll be back
in two shakes of a -- of a --

DART
LAMB’S TAIL.
And tell your guest to leave.
You need to set up the projector.

HAVEN
Sure thing.

She turns, leaves.

ON THE STAIRS

HAVEN (CONT'D)
(to herself)
Nasty old fuck.

IN THE GALLEY
Jett is looking at a framed picture
of Dart with Humphrey Bogart
and Barbara Stanwyck.
Smiles all around.

HAVEN (O.C.) (CONT'D)
That was taken on the set of
Blood Gets In Your Eyes.

JETT
I know. It’s one of my favorite films.
Barbara Stanwyck’s first time with Bogie.


HAVEN
You’re a personal trainer, right?

JETT
Yeah. How did you know?

HAVEN
I’ve seen you training
people on the beach.
(beat)
I’m all seeing and all knowing.

Pause.

JETT
Do you want me to -- train you?

HAVEN
I need -- training.
(beat)
Shall we make it tomorrow
morning, say around ten?

JETT
I think I can squeeze you in.

HAVEN
It’s a date.
(kisses Jett on the cheek)
Thanks for coming by.
I’ve gotta go take care of hubby now.
Sponge bath and a movie.

PUSH IN ON Jett.
About to explode.

JETT
Sounds like -- fun.

Blood Gets In Your Eyes

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Hollywood b-girl Haven Crayce lures personal trainer Jett Targo onto her houseboat where she gives her more than a tour ...


EXT. MARINA - DOCK - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Haven and Jett stand on the dock.
Looking at the SAFE HAVEN.

JETT
You live on it? Year round?

HAVEN
Unfortunately.

JETT
I’d love to live on a boat like this.

HAVEN
Would you like a tour?

PUSH IN ON Jett. Nervous.
Approaching excited.

JETT
Sure.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MOMENTS LATER
Haven leads Jett into a living
room area with a galley.

Buster goes to the water bowl.
Tina sniffs around.

HAVEN
This is where we do
most of our entertaining.

JETT
We?

HAVEN
My husband and I.

JETT
Oh.

HAVEN
Don’t look so disappointed.
I married the old fuck for
his money, and for my career.

Haven walks over to Jett.
Gets close. Jett stares.
The chemistry is palpable. Electric.

HAVEN (CONT'D)
(softly)
You know Dart Crayce,
the director?

JETT
Sure. He directed all
those classic film noirs --
That Killing Feeling,
The Dead Don’t Cry,
Blood Gets In Your Eyes --

Haven takes Jett’s hands in hers.
A clock TICK-TICK-TICKS.

HAVEN
That’s him.
(beat)
And now he’s very old --
and very sick.

Haven closes her eyes.
Leans in for a kiss.

JETT
I don’t think --
this is a good --

But Haven’s warm, soft
mouth is too fast.

She kisses Jett.
It’s delicious.

The world stops
for a moment. We sigh.

A bell RING-RING-RINGS.
Haven JUMPS.

HAVEN
Shit.

JETT
What was that?

HAVEN
(angry, eyes flashing)
That’s him.
(beat)
The old bastard’s bed-ridden.
It’s a fucking nightmare.
He’s a diabetic fuck, and I’m
a prisoner on the
good ship insulin.
(come hither)
Stay here.
Be right back.

And she dashes off.

PUSH IN ON Jett.
Inflamed. Confused.

The Stuff of Pinup Dreams

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 1 of A DISH BEST KILLED, more than sparks fly when Hollywood starlet Haven Crayce and personal trainer Jett Targo meet cute at the marina walking their dogs.


EXT. MARINA - DUSK
A cool, crisp evening.
Magic hour tequila sunset
smears orange on blue water.

Wind whips through a line of
luxury sailboats gently bobbing.
A GULL flies by. CAW-CAW-CAWS.

CAMERA finds a HOUSEBOAT.
Ghostly. Shades drawn.
Old and peeling. Dark wood.
Brass fixtures.

We see the vessel’s name
on the stern in cracked,
gold cursive.
SAFE HAVEN, indeed.

A WOMAN (25) appears on the deck.
We GASP, as she is
heartbreakingly beautiful.

The kind that makes
you ache with longing.
A curvy cocktail
with mile-high legs.

Meet HAVEN CRAYCE. Blonde, blue-eyed.
The stuff of pinup dreams.

Right now she’s in a killer
black cocktail dress
and five-inch heels.

Pulls a JACK RUSSELL TERRIER
on a leash.

HAVEN
(puts on shades)
Come on, Buster.

And the dog TAKES OFF like a rocket.
YANKS the leash, as Haven
CAREENS down the gangplank,
heels CLACK-CLACK-CLACKING.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Buster, GODAMMIT.

EXT. MARINA CHANNEL - PARK - AT THAT MOMENT
Another WOMAN (28)
walks a small, black DOG.
Tall and lanky, like a jock.

Pretty in that
clear-eyed Midwestern way.

Chestnut mane in a boyish bob.
Sweats, denim and leather.

Meet JETT TARGO.
Recent transplant from Kansas.

Buff, in shape, but there’s a
vague hint of wild Saturday nights.

Secret debaucheries.
She gives TINA a doggie treat.

JETT
Good girl.

They start ambling down the sidewalk.
Watching the boats in the channel.

It’s bucolic.
Then why does Jett look pensive?

HAVEN comes into view,
pulled by Buster. She stops.

Sees Jett. Lowers her sunglasses.
Gets a better look.

Jett sees Haven. Jerks to a stop.
If we could see up close,
we’d notice the hairs standing
up on the back of her neck.

HAVEN
Cute dog. What is she?

JETT
She’s, uh -- a Cocker Spaniel-
King Charles mix.
My neighbor’s dog.
I walk her sometimes as a favor.

HAVEN
Buster’s a Jack Russell.
(rubs the dog’s head)
Aren’t you, Mister Man?
(offers her hand)
I’m Haven. Haven Crayce.

JETT
(takes it, shakes)
Jett Targo. This is Tina.
(beat)
Haven Crayce. Sounds exotic.

HAVEN
Jett Targo. Sounds athletic.
Which way are you walking?

JETT
(points)
That way. We were -- going
to go look at the boats.

HAVEN
Great. Me, too.

JETT
You like boats?

HAVEN
Not really.
(beat)
I live on one --

The Blue Light Special

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 42 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine search teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's apartment for clues to her whereabouts ...


INT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - SECOND FLOOR CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Skinny leads Keko and
Valentine down a hallway.

SKINNY MAN
She is a bit odd -- but she
always pays her rent on time.
Sometimes early. Real cute.
Looks like Britney.
Has a lot of visitors.
If only I could get
that kinda action --

They get to her door.
Skinny fishes out his master key.

SKINNY MAN (CONT'D)
(tries to open the door)
Fucking cunt must’ve
changed the lock.

KEKO
(looks at Valentine)
I’ve got an idea --

VALENTINE
One, two --
And they KICK DOWN
the door -- BANG.

SKINNY MAN
Hey!

KEKO
(hands him his card)
City will pay for it --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Keko, Valentine and Skinny
regard the decor.

SKINNY MAN
Ooo. I LOVE what she’s
done to the place.
Gotta real queer eye --

KEKO
(to Skinny)
Would you mind leaving
us alone for a bit?
Might turn out to
be a crime scene.

SKINNY MAN
(goes to the door)
I’ll go make some coffee.

And he leaves.

VALENTINE
I think he likes you.

KEKO
Fuck you.
(looks around)
It looks like that guy’s place
who was caught jerking off
in a movie theater.

They start searching the joint.

VALENTINE
Pee-Wee Herman.
Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
Loved that show.
Did you know that Cowboy Curtis
was played by a very young
Lawrence Fishburn?
(does impression)
I know you are,
but what am I? ARRRRGHH!
(beat)
Most people don’t realize that
Paul Reubens is a gifted comic actor
who created a vast array
of hilarious characters,
but was unfortunately
typecast as Pee-Wee.

KEKO
And you’re going to be typecast
as an asshole who won’t shut the fuck --
(beat)
Hey, check it out.

He points at Sparkle’s pink I-Mac.
On the screen:

TO DO:
Clean weapons.
Shower and change.
Fill the tank.
Take the Clown Mart Hostage.
(Arrive at ‘magic hour’
for best coverage.)
Reunite Carrie and Bernie.
Kill them.

KEKO AND VALENTINE
stare at the monitor.

KEKO (CONT'D)
What the fuck is the ‘Clown Mart?’

VALENTINE
Discount store on Sunset.

KEKO
Then let’s go shopping.
Time for the blue light special --

The Big Top

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 41 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dicks Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine track down teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's hideout, above a dirty book store on Hollywood Boulevard. Meanwhile, Sparkle terrorizes random shoppers at the Bargain Clown Mart ...


EXT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGNT
Bernie’s SUV slows, slides into
a parking space in front of
a row of storefronts.

The detectives get out.
Walk to a doorway.

Faint club music
THUMP-THUMPS from within.

VALENTINE
It’s the right address.

KEKO
This is a book store.

VALENTINE
Yeah, but check out
the tweaker tunes.
Fits the profile.

Jesus flings his banana peel
onto the sidewalk.

KEKO
Hey. Someone could
slip and fall on that.

VALENTINE
Just like in the cartoons, man.

KEKO
(rings the buzzer)
We’ve checked every
fucking club in Boy’s Town.
I’m starting to feel
guilty by ass-sociation.
Whattaya say if this isn’t it,
we go snag a burger?

VALENTINE
How about -- pizza?

KEKO
(rings again)
The pork thing?

VALENTINE
(shrugs)
Hey. We’re the pigs.

The door OPENS.
A small, skinny MAN appears.

Boyish in jeans and
striped sleeveless-T.
Perfect, cropped beard.

SKINNY MAN
I’m sorry.
We’re closed on Mondays.

KEKO
(flashes his badge)
Detectives Keko and Valentine.
Can we have a moment of your time?

SKINNY MAN
(eyes flashing)
Honey, you can have more than that.

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - DUSK
The trippy, pretty drone of Morrissey’s
SHOPLIFTERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE.

A warehouse full of cheap,
giant-sized foodstuffs.

'Topsy the Clown' proclaims
TRIPLE COUPON’S SUNDAY.

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CONTINUOUS
The too-brightly lit bottom rung
of retail crap is fairly bustling
with low-rent, food stamp SHOPPERS.

A raggedy, eye-liner smeared EMO KID
grabs a container of FROSTY-WHIP,
and SHOOONK-SHOOONK,
SNORTS it up his nose --

Crumples to the floor, rushing --
white cream on his face.

IN ANOTHER AISLE
a FAT WOMAN picks up a
gallon-sized jar of Cheese Wizzard.

Looks around. Screws it open.
Dips a finger, tastes. Mmm.

Suddenly -- POP -- and a bullet
CRACKS into the side, sending it
to the floor with a CRASH.

FAT WOMAN
What the fuck?

AT THE OTHER END OF THE AISLE
is SPARKLE. Brandishing
a pair of pink Uzis.

SPARKLE
Hey, there -- hefty hideaway,
c’mon and join the party.
You like animal balloons? --
cause I’m gonna tie you up in knots.

THE FAT WOMAN
freezes in her tracks.

SPARKLE
Yo, chubbo.
Got some angry clowns
wanna have a word with you.

The Land Of Celluloid Dreams

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 40 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty prepares for her big 'night on the town.' Meanwhile, homicide detective Carrie Love gets ready for her date with destiny ... with Sparkle.


INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DUSK
Sparkle stands in front of the tiny
mirror in her tiny bathroom.

A vision in dayglow fuschia battle fatigues.
Giant pink ten-inch moon-boot platforms.

Centerfold makeup, fake lashes.
Some kinda Spice Girl on acid
from 'Taxi Driver' hell.

She pours a shot of
Jaegermeister, raises it.

SPARKLE
You’re very good.
(downs it)
Come on, ma!
I’m trying to do my thing down here.
I got a big show to get ready for.
(beat)
Alright, I’ll turn it down.

She BURSTS into hysterical laughter.
Opens the medicine cabinet,
takes out a bottle.

Shakes out a handful of pills.
GULP. Pours another glass.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
What’s so fuckin’ funny? Huh?
What’s so fuckin’ funny about me?
What -- do I make you laugh, huh?
Do I a-muse yoo? What am I,
some sorta clown?
Make you fuckin’ laugh? What.
What’s so fuckin’ funny about -- me.

The psychette GIGGLES.
Then remembers something.

Takes a red Bozo nose
out of her pocket. Pops it on.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
(at her reflection)
But Mommy, I don’t want
to go the circus,
the clowns are scary.
They make me cry.

She GRABS a set of hair clippers,
FLICKS it on -- BUZZZZZ.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
Well, then -- take me to the big top.

And starts shaving the side of head,
long, beautiful blonde hair cascading
in waves, floating like feathers --

SPARKLE
scrapes off foam with
a pink razor, revealing --
A big, beautiful blonde mohawk.

IN THE MIRROR
SPARKLE
You talkin’ to me?
You -- talkin to me ?
(beat)
Me? You talkin’ to -- me?
(raises gun, sticks it in her mouth)
‘Cauhz tha no-uhn elth heah.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - PAWN SHOP - DUSK

CARRIE (V.O.)
You know Hollywood is actually
a pretty shitty part of town.

A crappy, bile-green 1970
Dodge Dart Swinger pulls up, parks.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It’s nothing but pawn shops,
guitar shacks, tourist shit, strip joints,
star maps, sleazy bars, street trash
and hustlers of indeterminate gender.

Sparkle gets out.
Locks the car. Looks around.

No one notices, no one looks.
She blends.

CARRIE (V.O.)
A far cry from 'the
land of celluloid dreams.'

We follow the young woman
marching down the sidewalk.
No one looks at her twice.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Not only is it a mecca for the
sea of humanity yearning to be famous --
it’s also a vicious black hole of hell,
sucking in a staggering array of psychotic,
self esteem-challenged social misfits,
driven by rage, sin -- and a
pathetic desire to be famous.
(beat)
Almost none of them make it, of course.
So the town is strewn with the litter
of faded dreams, broken hearts,
and a hell of alotta whores.

Sparkle reaches a store.
An old, original facade.

THE BARGAIN CLOWN MART.
She smiles devilishly.

SPARKLE
Well, alrighty then.
Let’s check out
what’s under the big top --

Love Will Tear Us Apart

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 39 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty reveals why she's obsessed with formerly maried homicide cops Carrie Love and Bernie Keko ...


EXT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
A little red store on Santa Monica
Boulevard with apartments above.

A TRASHY HOOKER walks by,
stumbles in her platforms.

CAMERA PANS UP, focuses
on a window, ZOOMS INTO --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
A tiny room in a child-like
explosion of clutter.

Movie posters and photos cover the walls.
AMERICAN PSYCHO. HEATHERS. CARRIE.
RE-ANIMATOR. LOVE STORY.

Head shots of Karen Black. Crispin Glover.
DeNiro in TAXI DRIVER. Bugs Bunny.

Sparkle sits at her Sears workstation.
Works a pink I-Mac, clack-clacks on the keyboard.

SPARKLE
Download this, hot stuff.
Gig me on a gaga-byte.

CLOSE ON --
The bulletin board behind the computer.
Covered in news clippings.

FEMME DETECTIVE FOULS OUT,
with a glam shot of Carrie.

GOLDEN COP COUPLE HITS THE SKIDS,
with a photo of Bernie and Carrie
getting a medal from the Mayor.

HOLLYWOOD HACK BOILED LIKE TURNIP.
VIDEO CLERK HUMAN PIN-CUSHION ON VINE.

TRUST FUND FILLY FILLETED.
TEN-PERCENTER POPPED IN TREACHEROUS TRYST.

SPARKLE
goes to the stereo. Puts on CD.
The sunshiny, super-pop of A-Ha’s
THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV starts --

And, in her own little private disco,
she dances to the music with complete abandon,
lost in the sugary synthesizers.

SPARKLE
(sings along)
Hold me -- believe in me -- touch me --
the sun always shines on T.V. --

Sparkle strikes a pose --
somewhere between Travolta in
'Saturday Night Fever' and
the Olsen twins on ecstasy.

SPARKLE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It was destiny. Fate.
The Gods pulled up my skirt
and gave it to me good.
I had a vision. A mission.
A poison pen pal from hell. I
realized that Carrie Love
and Bernie Keko were the
parents I could never have.
(beat)
I knew it the minute
they walked in the store --
and into my heart.
All of a sudden it became like,
so clear what I needed to do.
I had to bring them together again.
(beat)
So I could tear them apart.

To The End of The World

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love rescues her lover, porn star Laura Lang, from a porn shoot where her private parts almost got electrocuted ... and then later that night, while recovering in her hot tub is stunned to discover that Laura plans on returning to the set the next day ...


EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
A small bunker in the shadows
of the wrong side of the 101.

Carrie pulls in, parks amidst
a handful of shitty cars.
And a big, black BMW SUV.

INT. CARRIE’S CAR - NIGHT
She downs the last of her
grande with triple espresso.

Shudders. Gets out of the car.
Throws the cup at the SUV.

INT. WAREHOUSE - SOUNDSTAGE GREEN ROOM - NIGHT
Laura is curled up in a ball
on a couch in a dark corner
wrapped like a wraith
in a white sheet.

Pale. Small. Damaged.
Carrie rushes in, goes to her.

CARRIE
Baby, there you are --
are you okay? Are you okay?

She wraps her arms
around the wounded bird.

LAURA
I don’t feel so good, Care.
That -- bloody machine.

CARRIE
I’m so sorry, baby,
I’m so sorry.
C’mon, I’m taking you home.

With surprising strength,
Carrie picks her up, cradles her.

LAURA
You carry me --
across the threshold?

CARRIE
I’ll carry you to
the end of the world.

EXT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - BACK PATIO - NIGHT
Carrie and Laura soak
in Carrie’s hot tub.
Steam rises off the water,
their shoulders.

Behind them, a perfect full moon
lights the sky, the ocean, their faces.

LAURA
This is so good.
Every bone in my body
is bleedin’ thrashed.

CARRIE
(goes to her, holds her)
You’re okay now, no more evil
German directors flipping
the switch on my baby.

They kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. At least not until tomorrow.

CARRIE
It must be the full moon.
I thought I just heard you say
you’re going back there.

LAURA
I have to -- or else
I won’t get paid, love.

CARRIE
You gotta be kidding.
Don’t worry about the money --
(beat)
Move in with me for a while.

LAURA
Move in with you? Shack up?

CARRIE
Just for a little while.
We can try it out.
And you can maybe --
go back to being a stylist.
You always say how much you
loved it back in London.

Pause.

LAURA
That was up until my lover,
my business partner fucking
O-D’d on me and
fuckin’ killed himself!
How fucking dodgy.
Of all the -- I thought you were --
I mean, you’ve slept with
half the girls I work with --
and you now live up
to the bloody cliche?
You’re just like all
the other civilians!

Laura gets out of the tub.
Naked in the moonlight.
Steam rises off her perfect body.

CARRIE
Wait -- DON’T GO!

LAURA
Thanks for the tub.
I feel really good
all of a sudden.
Like a weight’s been
taken off my shoulders.

She darts over to the door, goes in.
Carrie sits. In shock.

CARRIE
Holy shit.

Carrie jumps out, grabs a towel,
races to the door --
to discover it’s been locked.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
The bitch. She wouldn’t.

EXT. HOUSE - CARRIE’S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Carrie jiggles the doorknob.
POUNDS on the door.

CARRIE
Laura! Let me in!

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Whoa. Let me guess.
Lesbian drama?

Carrie wheels around to face --

A uniformed PRIVATE SECURITY GUARD.

SECURITY GUARD
Know the feeling.
Wife left me couple years
ago -- for her gyno.
(beat)
Nice towel.

Good Girls

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 37 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, after having a few cocktails at her favorite dive bar, homicide detective Carrie Love gets an emergency call from her girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang, in trouble at an adult film shoot ...


EXT. BAR - NIGHT
The Gas Lite, a crappy
Santa Monica dive.

The sound of a sloppy bar band
spills out from within.

A ponytailed BIKER BOUNCER
stands out front, smokes.

Two pretty COLLEGE GIRLS approach
him, huddle in the cold.

BIKER BOUNCER
(toothy grin)
ID, please.

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL
(takes out license)
Hi. Is there a band tonight?

BIKER BOUNCER
Yeah, The Chollos. Blues band.

The door FLIES OPEN, and out
stumbles Carrie. Obliterated.

CARRIE
(to the bouncer)
G’night, Eddie.

Eddie tips his cap,
checks out her legs.

Carrie swerves, looks at
the fresh-faced young flesh.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Whoa. Hi. Let me guess -- UCLA?

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL
(not shy)
Loyola Marymount.

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL 2
We’re good girls.

CARRIE
(devouring with her eyes)
That’s a shame.

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL
C’mon, Debbie -- I’m cold.

They giggle, rush inside.
Carrie stops, stares at the door.

EDDIE
You okay?

CARRIE
Yeah. Just thinking about
the combination of drugs it’d take
to get those two in the sack.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
Carrie sits behind the wheel
of her monster ‘68 Olds.
Fumbles for a cigarette.
Her cell bleats.
She fishes it out, listens.

CARRIE
Laura? Slow down, slow down --
what’s the matter?
(listens, horrified)
Hold tight, I’ll be right there.
(listens)
It’s okay, it’s okay,
it’s gonna be okay.
I’ll be right there,
just hold on.

Click. The line goes dead.

CARRIE
Goddamn fucking Frankenstein --

The Game

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 36 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, after having more than a few cocktails, homicide detective Carrie Love heads to the shooting range to blow off a little steam ...


INT. BEVERLY HILLS GUN CLUB - FIRING RANGE - NIGHT
Rows of stalls with targets,
too brightly lit. Empty.

Except for Carrie.

Messy drunk in a slip
of a cocktail dress, heels, shades --

And a gleaming 357 Magnum
out of a Guy Ritchie wet dream.

She lowers her sunglasses.
Scratches an itch in her eye.
We see she’s been crying.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It’s easier to see after
you’ve had a few cocktails.

She slides them back up.
Takes aim. And --

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

THE TARGET
A ‘Smiley face’ smack
dab on the figure’s head.

ANGRY HISPANIC OWNER (O.S.)
Hey, you!
Breakfast at Tiffany’s!
You better put dat thing down
before I call da cops!

CARRIE
stops, turns --

CARRIE
I am a fucking cop!

And swings her weapon toward him.
He raises a sawed-off shotgun.
Click-click.

ANGRY HISPANIC OWNER
That’ll be the last move
you ever make, lady.

Carrie lowers her weapon.
Whips off her shades.

ANGRY HISPANIC OWNER (CONT’D)
Oh, hi Carrie --
I didn’t recognize you.
You clean up good.

CARRIE
Thanks, Enrique.
I’ll be done a few minutes. ‘Kay?

ENRIQUE
(big smile)
You got it, Legs.

He bows, leaves.
She takes out more bullets, reloads.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My life has become
a trashy cult film.
I have more death, betrayal,
seedy glamour and
sexual situations
in my life than any
ten women in this town.
(beat)
And this is Los Angeles.
(beat)
The only place on earth
where you fall in love --
and your partner thinks
she’s taking a meeting.
But you still fall,
and you fall so hard,
it makes you lose all sense of
judgment, morals, self-esteem --
and any desire to play the
game of life by the rules.

She slowly SPINS AROUND --
aims up, up, and --

ANGLE ON --
A row of ceiling lights.

Bullets hit them, one by one.
POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP.

Bits And Pieces

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty cuts up the body of the Hollywood industry hack she just murdered, while giving us her review of the film American Psycho ...


INT. MOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - DUSK
Sparkle stands naked over
the body in the bath tub.

She’s covered in blood.
Cutting up the body.

CAMERA stays on her
as she leans over,
saws off pieces.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
AMERICAN PSYCHO was widely
misunderstood by the critics.
But then, who could blame them?
The book it was based on
was a misogynistic piece
of yuppie masturbatory crap.

She raises up an arm.
Salutes it.

Tosses it in a garbage bag.
Returns to her work.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
The film is actually a black comedy --
a satire of the go-go
Reagan eighties in Manhattan.
It almost derailed when
Leo DiCaprio came on board,
causing the low-budget indie
to bloat overnight into a
fifty-million-dollar mega-production.
Thank god for Leo’s handlers,
because he ended up
getting cold feet.

She raises up a leg.
Makes a face.

Chucks it in the bag.
Grabs the saw. Continues.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
As fun as it is, this flick
didn’t completely satisfy this critic.
I mean, there’s no point
to Jason Bateman’s killing, is there?
He’s just a psycho --
there’s no story, no plot, per se.
It’s completely random.
It’s hilarious, sure, but it’s
the cinematic equivalent of a Happy Meal --
goes down fast, but devoid
of any creative nutrition.

Sparkle saws harder.
This one’s tough.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
This installation -- this piece --
this reinterpretation is the
stuff of real meaning. Of truth.
A commentary on the banalities
of the modern mating ritual.
It is my intention to desconstruct
and then reinvent the American family.
Show the world that you
don’t have to be a victim.
That you can create your own
family, control your own destiny --

The killer cutie finishes. Smiles.
Raises up the Industry Hack’s head --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
And make your own fucking movie.

And kisses him on the mouth.

The Energizer Pussy

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, porn star Laura Lang gets an electro-shock in her privates on the set of her latest film. Meanwhile, under-aged serial killer claims her next victim, a film industry development executive ...


INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set.

This is a porno with a budget.
Production value. A CREW.

Laura is on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic and vinyl.

Bored look covering her dread.
Her creeping panic.

KLAUS
Take number 4 and 5 up
a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
Brighter? More brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.
(mutters to himself)
Non-union idiot.

LAURA
What are you, taking
a fucking light reading?

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to a tech)
Let’s try the music.
Check the levels.

TECH (O.S.)
Scary gothic Nazi tunes
coming right up.

The soaring, over-the-top
stormtrooper-in-love sound of
Ultravox’s LOVE’S GREAT ADVENTURE
blasts at full-volume.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my fucken T-shirt.
(to a PA)
The dry ice! Start the dry ice!

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.

Klaus hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS (CONT'D)
This one controls the amps --
this one for the watts -- this,
for the frequency modulation --

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy just
keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks!
(beat)
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes! She’s angry! That hurts!
But it feels so good!
Ach de lieber -- mein chubby!
(throws up his arms)
Speed! Roll video! Magic time!

INT. TRASHY, FUCKED UP HOTEL ROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Dollshead’s slinky, feminine, Middle-Eastern
syncopated cover of YOU PUT A SPELL ON ME.

The kind of room where you don’t
need a black light to see the stains.

Sparkle sits on the bed, very pin-up.
In nothing but a teddie and a big smile.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
(about the music)
I like this, who is it?
It was in that film --
what was it, uh --

SPARKLE
DollsHead. The film was
'Random Acts of Architecture,’
a dark little indie coming of age
flick about a teenage girl
who has her first orgasm.
She kills the guy who gave it to her --
and then goes on a cross-country road trip
where she has a bunch of episodic adventures
on a journey of self-discovery.

ANGLE ON:
The MAN she’s talking to,
a FILM INDUSTRY HACK (50’s), scary
in black Gucci boxers, cigar.

FILM INDUSTRY HACK
That’s right. I read about that.
(slides onto the bed)
Ever smoke before sex?

SPARKLE
You make me laugh. Long and hard.
Fucking chat room 'LOL' time, slick.
Can I add you to my buddy list?
Wanna cyber-fuck?
Can I instant massage you?
Give it to you up the avatar?
Wanna SOCIAL NETWORK?

She starts laughing maniacally.
Cracks herself up.

FILM INDUSTRY HACK
Oh. My. God. I totally forgot.
I got this -- thing tonight.
How could I forget.
God, am I an asshole.

She WHIPS out a big, chrome
HANDGUN from behind her back.

JAMS it in his mouth.
Whispers, a’la Dirty Harry.

SPARKLE
You got that right, buster.
Now shut the fuck up
and get on your knees.
It’s time for you to play
'spin the dickhead' and beg
for your fictional life.
Ride the 45 caliber pony.
Time to give a Chuck Heston blow job,
go down on the NRA -- and swallow.

CLOSE ON --
Her face. Having a ball.

We hear the sickly THWIP
of a silencer, and --
blood splatters her
perfect bone structure.

SPARKLE
Cut, print -- that’s a TAKE.

Tricks Are For Chicks

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty spooks a would-be suitor at a trendy Hollywood nightclub. Meanwhile, homicide detective Bernie Keko busts his partner Jesus Valentine's balls about how he eats a banana ...


EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
An ugly, gutteral-twisting techno groove --
Curve’s violent, feminine WISH YOU DEAD.

Pain. Hollywood’s glittering club-of-the-moment.
Celeb-filled. Self-conscious. Fabulous.

A cluster of TRENDIES lay in wait
behind the velvet rope.

INT. PAIN - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle sits on a bar stool,
sips a chilled Twisted Nipple.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Okay, here’s the thing.
I’m gonna spell it out for ya.
No subtext here,
just the straight poop.
Ready on the poop deck!

A DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
slides onto the next stool.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Hi, there.

SPARKLE
What’s the hub-bub, bub?

The MBA stares, confused --
then recovers.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
40’s noir. Love it.
You must be a writer.

SPARKLE
As if. What-ever. Gag me.
Your bad. We must not do lunch.
Have your people tell my people
to shove it up your ass.
Buh-bye. Bigger, better offer.
(sips drink, off his look)
'Tex' Avery, 1950’s.
Cartoons, big fella.
Big fucking Bugs Bunny -- whassup, doc.
Silly rabbit, tricks are for chicks.

Pause.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Uh -- right.
(pulls out prescription bottle,
hands it to her)
Here. Take a couple of these.
They’ll level you out.

He leaves, muttering to himself.

SPARKLE
(sings)
Your love is giving me bad medicine --

She sips her cocktail.
Lights a Dunhill.
Laughs to herself.

SPARKLE (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Kay. Gonna smash all
your precious little myths.
Yes, my dad was a closet case
that drowned himself in
Iron City beer and Broadway musicals --
and yes, my dear, sweet mama
finger-fucked her precious
little beauty pageant prisoner.
(beat)
But that’s not why
I’m doing this -- no way, Jose.
This chick’s not into it for some
kind of emotionally scarred
payback kinda thing.
This ain’t no party,
this ain’t no disco,
this ain’t no fooling around.
It’s just -- fun. It’s a high.
Better than coming.
(beat)
C’mon, admit it.
You’ve got someone in your life
you’d like to do bodily harm to,
maybe even kill.
Your neighbor, someone at work.
Maybe, if you’re really
blessed, an ex-lover?
Or, if you’ve been chosen,
found your calling -- a relative.
(beat)
Yeah, that’s a good one.
Blow em up. Imagine how great
it feels to totally obliterate
the demented creators
of your misery and pain.
It’s like having a big bowl
of instant karma,
served with mother’s milk --
and Daddy’s banana.

EXT./INT. UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MOVING - NIGHT
Bernie drives.
Jesus Valentine rides shotgun.
Eats a banana. Slowly. With relish.

KEKO
(looks at Jesus)
You’re enjoying that way too much.

VALENTINE
(mouth full)
Huh?

KEKO
It’s like you’re going down
on that fucking thing.

VALENTINE
Fuck you, fuckin’ homophobe.
I like to -- savor it.

KEKO
SAVOR it?

VALENTINE
Just because you have
a shitty vocabulary,
don’t get testy with me.

Divorce, American Style

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love and her ex-husband/ex-partner Bernie Keko listen to another crime scene tape recorded by under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - DAY
Larry sits behind his desk.
Sips his designer coffee.

LIPSHITZ
Damn, that’s good.
Who knew Ethiopia had such --

A sharp KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK on the door.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Come in.

It opens. Bernie strides in.
Stops. Looks behind him.

KEKO
Carrie. C’mon.

Carrie shuffles in. Dishevelled.
Stinking of last night.

CARRIE
(low)
Hey, Chief.

LIPSHITZ
Jesus, look who the cat fucked in.
Nice outfit. Where’s your shopping cart?

She goes to a chair.
Pours herself into it.

CARRIE
Didn’t know the rules applied
when I’m suspended.

KEKO
I found her in a bar, Chief --

LIPSHITZ
Can it, and sit your ass down.
This is serious business.
I’ve got no time for your
‘Divorce American Style’ crap.
(to Carrie)
You’re here Carrie because we
believe you were the last person
to see Ms. Daerr alive.

CARRIE
How could that be?
She was here at the station,
and tons of people were --

LIPSHITZ
Ramirez has a surveillance tape
from the morning she was killed.
(beat)
You really get around, don’tcha.

Busted.

CARRIE
(turning red)
Look, I can explain --

LIPSHITZ
And I don’t wanna hear it.
I could give a holy fuck.
I just want you to listen to this tape --
and tell me if Daerr said anything
or did anything that could
shed some light on this madness.

He points to a boombox on his desk.
Punches ‘play.’

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Hey there, film freaks!
Welcome to Murder Fone!
If you know the name of the grisly
dead body you want to see, press ONE.
If you know the name of the movie
that’s being depicted, press TWO.
And if you know the name of the
brilliant auteur, press THREE.

They exchange glances.
Lipshitz rolls his eyes.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Time’s up! BUZZZZZ.
(beat)
Pathetic. You rubes probably watch reality TV.
The cultural scourge of this once-great nation.
(beat)
I’m talking Brian DePalma, people!
Brian Fucking De-Palma.
The. Man. Gimmee five.
Gimmee some skin.
Gimmee some skin flick.
(beat)
DRESSED TO KILL was unleashed on the world
by Paramount Pictures back in ‘82.
Although most critics initially
dismissed it as a blatant,
cheesy Hitchcock rip-off,
it more than holds up today
as an erotic, beautifully shot mis en scene --
a pre-postmodern noir of elegant pacing.
It briefly let Angie Dickinson
shine again in a ‘brave performance’ --
(beat)
And it was a fucking brilliant plot device
to have what seemed to be a major character
sliced and diced like that thirty minutes in --
(beat)
Poor, bloody, sexy baby in creamy beige
lying in the elevator, shredded to ribbons --
(beat)
So, I said to myself, ‘self? How can I top that?
(giggles)
Guess the meat grinder takes it to the next level, huh.
(beat)
Don’t worry. I thought of making
devilled sandwiches out of her --
but even I have some limits.
Crazed, genius serial killer, oui --
depraved cannibal, no.
(beat)
Oh, and Carrie -- you and Bernie
better get your shit together.
‘Cause the end of the third act
is gonna get very messy.

Silence.

CARRIE
I feel sick.
(beat)
And oddly hungry all of a sudden.

LIPSHITZ
Did Daerr mention anybody she was mad at?
Or who was mad at her? Her ex, maybe?
I mean, seeing as how she was a muff-diver,
you might have some insight into the matter.

Carrie shoots him a look.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Nothing? Well, look -- here’s the deal.
She’s made it personal, has some
fucked up thing for you and Bernie.
But unfortunately for me,
you’re off the team for now.

CARRIE
I’d come back to work if you asked me nicely.

LIPSHITZ
I want you to go home and think, think hard.
And get your shit together. Don’t spiral down
into a black void of sex, alcohol and despair.
(friendly)
‘Cause if you do, I’ll kill ya.

Carrie stands. Nods.
Goes to the door.
Called on her shit.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
Nice to see you, Chief --

And she’s gone. Larry gets up.

KEKO
I think you got to her, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Let’s just hope she doesn’t get to herself.
(points at the door)
I want you and Valentine to keep
checking out those clubs. It’s our only lead.

KEKO
(as he leaves)
Don’t worry. We’ll get the bitch.

LIPSHITZ
So what does she want with Love and Keko?
Must’ve had a fucked up childhood --

The Days Of Wine And Lesbos

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love drowns her sorrows with a liquid breakfast in her favorite dive bar, but gets interrupted by her ex, detective Bernie Keko, with some horrific news ...


INT. THE CIRCLE BAR - MORNING
The Supremes’ STONE LOVE
plays softly on the juke.
Bright. Cheerful. Full of soul.

Unlike the bar. Dark. Quiet.
Inhabited by drunks at 9AM.

Carrie pours herself
into plush bar stool.
Orders her favorite poison.

Hears the music.
Takes off a combat boot --

And FLINGS IT at the music -- THWAP.
The record stops -- THWIK.

PABLO, the bartender,
Vin Diesel on sleep deprivation --
CRACKS his knuckles.

CARRIE
Sorry about that.
(beat)
Love songs make me wanna kill someone.
Put it on my tab.
(beat)
Better set up another.

BARTENDER
(pours)
Trouble with the ladies again?

CARRIE
Lady. A woman -- girl, really.
(beat)
Ladies. Sounds so --
(takes a big slug)
Demure. Pristine.

BARTENDER
Well, that's the idea, isn't it?
I mean, who doesn't want a lady?

Long pause.

CARRIE
My girlfriend, Pablo.
My fucking girlfriend.

AT THE FRONT
Bernie ambles in,
spies his prey, grins.
Shakes his head.

KEKO
(sings)
The days of wine and lesbos --

CAMERA follows him to the bar, laughing.

CARRIE
Get the fuck out of my bar, detective.

KEKO
Oh, your bar? This is your bar?
I bet Donnie Dapello
would find that interesting.
Did you finally pay off the vig --
or did the old man finally die
and leave you his estate?

CARRIE
This isn’t some stupid movie, Bernie --
where the former lovers
have to work together,
fight for awhile,
confront each other, change --
patch up their differences --
and end up back together,
happily ever after.
This is my life.
And I want you out of it.

KEKO
Ooh. That’s real hard-boiled
lady dick lingo, little girl.
You think I came here to do a
little Hepburn-Tracy dance with you?
Well, think again,
miss carpet muncher.
I’m here because Lipshitz
wants to see you.

Carrie grabs the bottle.
Pours a shot. Pounds it.

CARRIE
What. He’s gonna ask me to turn in
my swiss army knife and my decoder ring?

KEKO
You know Double D-Girl --
the airbrushed filly you’ve been
two-timing Miss gang-bang with?

She stops cold.
Gives him a look that
maims -- then kills.

CARRIE
What the fuck is it to you.

KEKO
She was found this morning
in her apartment.
In about a hundred pieces.
Spread like chunky peanut butter --

Electro-Glide In Lube

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang have cheeseburgers for breakfast after their night of kinky fun and games ...


INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - BAR - DAWN
The lovers sit on bar stools.

Carrie feeds Laura a White Castle
cheeseburger with her fingers.

CARRIE
I think I hurt my back.

LAURA
I think I hurt my tongue.

Pause.

CARRIE
It feels like, I don’t
know anything anymore.
If I can orgasm -- without
you even touching me --

LAURA
But I was.

CARRIE
Yeah.

They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. That was good.

CARRIE
And you liked the burger?

LAURA
You taste better.
(beat)
Would you nuke a couple more? Please?

CARRIE
For you, my love --
I’d nuke heaven and earth.

She goes to microwave, pops a few in.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
So what’s the name of the video?

LAURA
Electro-Glide in Lube.
It was supposed to be Blade-Fucker,
but Klaus got scared that
Warner Brothers might
give him a problem.

CARRIE
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage in your --

The microwave DINGS.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You know.

LAURA
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
(beat)
Set phasers to ‘stun.’ So to speak.

Carrie comes in with an
offering for her goddess.

CARRIE
I know. I’m sorry --
I -- that was stupid.

Pause.

LAURA
(very quiet)
Thanks.
(looks at the plate, then her)
You’re so good to me.

CARRIE
You’re so good to me.

Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small,
fragile in her big,
white terrycloth robe.
Makeup long gone.

LAURA
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.

CARRIE
Hey, enough of that. Listen.
You deserve it. I deserve it.
We’re just people. Both of us.

Pause.

LAURA
Then -- why doesn’t it feel like it?