To Protect And Swerve

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of FULL BODY, it's the mother of all chase scenes when Croatian mobster Yuri Vlaovic chases his ex-wife Mavra and her henchman Silke Derevko and his child bride Elvissa through the streets of DC to try and prevent her from executing their daughter Etya ...


EXT. 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE - NIGHT
The drum-and-bass propeller-swirling dervish
spy guitar of Paul Oakenfold's SWITCH ON takes off.
Mavra ROARS by the White House.

YURI’S LAMBORGINI
approaches from behind.

INT. YURI’S LAMBORGINI - MOVING

YURI
(sees Mavra, excited)
There you are, my little skakavak!
Come to Poppa!

Just then, the ENGINE DIES.
The car slows. Stops.

FEMALE ROBOTIC VOICE (V.O.)
Out of gas.

Yuri POUNDS on the steering wheel.

YURI
No shit, stupid cunt!

He KICKS open the door.
JUMPS out into the street.

WHIRLS around. Looking.
Looking. Then sees --

A WOMAN
getting into a Porsche SUV
parked on the other side.

YURI
sprints into traffic.
Cars WHOOSH by. Horns HONK.

ANGRY YOUNG GUY
Asshole!

YURI
Fuck your mother!

He reaches the Porsche.
GRABS the door handle.

WHIPS out a pistol.
BANGS on the window.

YURI
Open up! Open up!

The doors CLICK.
The WOMAN glances at him.

Weird smile.
Mouths ‘bullet-proof.’

GUNS the engine.
TAKES OFF.

YURI
Shit! Shit! Shit!

He WHIRLS AROUND.
Looks. Sees --

AN ANGRY MUSTACHED MOTORCYCLE COP
pulls up behind him, lights FLASHING. Stops.

JUMPS off his bike.
WHIPS OUT his piece. Takes aim.

MUSTACHED MOTORCYCLE COP
Put the gun down,
or you’re hamburger meat!

YURI
Is alright, officer.
Have explanation.

He DROPS his piece.
It CLATTERS to the ground.

The cop walks over to Yuri, gun drawn.
Pulls out handcuffs.

MUSTACHED MOTORCYCLE COP
Who the fuck do you think you are,
Tony Soprano?

Yuri SUCKER-PUNCHES
the cop in the face, BANG.
He goes down.

YURI
Hell, no. He’s wimp.
Goes to shrink.

Walks over to the cop’s bike.
Gets on.

HITS the gas pedal.
The engine ROARS. Yuri smiles.

YURI
Fat fuck eats too much.
Disgusting, American pig.
And besides -- I’m real.

INT. CHECKER CAB - MOVING
Etya, in the back seat,
POUNDS on the window separator.

ETYA
Faster! Go faster!

The ANGRY BLACK CABBIE turns around.
YELLS at Etya.

ANGRY BLACK CABBIE
I’m going the speed limit!
I’m not gonna get a fucking ticket
for some skanky white bitch!

ETYA
Skanky white BITCH?!
Negro motherfucker!
How DARE you!

And, in an adrenaline rage,
Etya leans back.

Raises her legs.
KICKS OUT the separator.

Grips him in a headlock with taught ankles.
The driver SWERVES. Panicking. Gagging.

ANGRY BLACK CABBIE
Ak! Ug! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Etya steers the wheel with her heels.
SHRIEKS with laughter.

ETYA
Hit the brakes, BOY.
Or I SNAP your chicken NECK!

He does. The car SWERVES.
Stops by the side of the road.

ETYA
Open the fucking door!

He does. GASPING for air.
And, like spinning a top,
she WHIRLS him out of the car
onto the pavement, THWAP.

Etya jumps in the driver’s seat.
SLAMS the door shut.

ETYA
Next time passenger say to go faster, do it!
Customer always right!

EXT. CORNER OF L STREET AND 17TH STREET - AT THAT MOMENT
Mavra’s chopper turns, swerves.
Silke’s bike pulls alongside.

SILKE
This is wrong street!
Is eleventh street,
not seventeenth street!

MAVRA
What?

Distracted, Mavra doesn’t notice
an OIL SLICK on the street.

The bike turns, FLIPS, SKIDS,
CLATTERS against the pavement.

Mavra’s THROWN in the air like a rag doll.
BANGS into a storefront window.
EXPLODES in a million shards of glass.

Silke’s bike hits the oil,
FISHTAILS, PLOWS into a cafe.
Tables and patrons go FLYING.

The sidecar SEPARATES --
SHOOTS down the sidewalk,
BANGS off the curb into the street.

A CITY BUS
SLAMS into it with a ROAR. Gone.

MAVRA
picks herself up.
Brushes off broken glass.
Shakes a fist.

MAVRA
Idiot! My bike is RUINED!

Silke hobbles over.
Scraped. Bruised. Bleeding.

SILKE
I’m an idiot?
YOU’RE an idiot!
Stupid bitch! Elvissa’s dead!
My daughter, my love, my everything!

MAVRA
Shut up! Time is wasting!
You can adopt, get new bride.
Like Woody Allen.

SILKE
Just go, alright?
I’ll catch up with you.
I -- need moment.

MAVRA
Moment? You have MINUTE.
And then get ass in gear,
I’m going to need backup.

He nods.
She takes off on foot.

YURI
comes FLYING around the corner, just as --

A COWBOY COP ON HORSEBACK
comes galloping toward the ruined cafe.
He sees Yuri on the stolen police motorcycle.

COWBOY COP
You! Stop! Police!

Yuri WHIPS OUT his piece. Takes aim.

COWBOY COP
Put down your weapon!

With lightening speed,
he pulls out his service revolver.

FIRES OFF a fusillade of shots --
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

Yuri’s tires EXPLODE.
The bike FLIES out from under him.

He’s SLAMMED against a wall, OOF.
Lies dazed on the sidewalk.

The cop trots up. Stops.
Jumps off the horse. Takes aim.

COWBOY COP
Hands on your head, asshole.
(into his shoulder mike)
Officer requesting backup,
corner of Seventeenth and L.
(to Yuri)
Come on, up on your feet.

Yuri struggles.
Slowly, achingly stands.

COWBOY COP
(pulls out cuffs)
Hands behind you. Spread em.
And please, I’d really love it
if you gave me a reason
to blow your fucking
greaseball head to pieces.

YURI
Okay, okay. Relax, relax.
(turns around, low)
Greaseball is Mexican.
I am Croatian, asshole.

COP
(CLICKS cuff on left wrist)
WHAT did you say?

And, in a BLUR OF SPEED, Yuri WHIPS
the cuffs in the air like nunchucks.

CRACKS the cop in the head.
BANG. He goes down.

Yuri shakes himself off.
Goes to the cop. Gets his keys.

YURI
(unlocks cuffs)
To protect and kiss pavement. Ha.
(looks at horse)
Hello, Horsie.
(climbs on)
Okay. Good horsie. Let’s go.

The horse turns around.
Looks at him.

YURI
What the fuck you looking at?

He KICKS the horse with this heels.
And they TAKE OFF.