Instant Karma

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of FULL BODY, Croatian vixen Etya Vlaovic prepares to defend herself against her mother Mavra's imminent assassination attempt. Meanwhile, her father Yuri races to the scene to try and save her life ...


EXT./INT. CHECKER CAB - MOVING - NIGHT
Etya drives like a maniac.
Reaches an intersection.

The light turns RED.
She JAMS on the gas.

ETYA
(out the window)
Out of way! Look out, look out!

She sees a INDIAN HOTDOG VENDER
pulling a cart into the intersection.

She HITS the brakes, slows,
but she’s too late --
and SMACKS into it, BANG.

Hotdogs, buns, condiments SPRAY
into the air.

And the VENDOR -- who FLIPS UP --
And lands on the hood of the cab, SMACK.

He GRABS onto the windshield.
Screaming and cursing.

INDIAN VENDOR
Stupid fucking bitch!
You ruin my CART, motherfucker!

Etya STEPS ON IT.

ETYA
Fucking DOT-HEAD! I can’t SEE!

She SWERVES left, then right,
tries to shake him off.

Reaches the next intersection.
A CITY BUS goes by.
Blocking the way.

She JAMS on the breaks.
The vendor goes FLYING over the car --

ETYA
(sings)
Say goodbye to Bollywood --

And CRASHES into a newsstand -- BANG.

ETYA
Say goodbye my bay-bee!

Steam rises from the hood.
The engine DIES with a COUGH.

ETYA
NOOOOOOO!

The INDIAN VENDOR appears in the window.
Battered and bloody.

INDIAN VENDOR
Instant karma, bitch.

ETYA
You!
Etya SUCKER-PUNCHES him, BANG.
Out like a light.

ETYA
I thought I smelled curry.

EXT. 14TH STREET - AT THAT MOMENT
Yuri GALLOPS down the street.
SNAPPING the reins.

YURI
Go! Go! Go! GO!

The horse stops.
RAISES its front legs. WHINNIES.

YURI
What the fuck you stop for!
C’mon, let’s go! Giddy-fucking-UP!

Nothing.

YURI
Fucking HORSE.
I said, GIDDY-UP, GODDAMMIT.

A beautiful WHITE MARE comes into frame.
Pulling a tourist carriage.
The stallion starts nuzzling the mare.

Yuri jumps off.
The horse gives him a look.
‘Beat it.’

YURI
Okay, I’m sorry. I go.
(beat)
Everybody getting laid but me.

EXT. THE INTERNATIONAL - FRONT ENTRANCE - AT THAT MOMENT
Etya races up the steps.
FLINGS open the front door.

RUNS inside.
SLAMS the door shut behind her.
LOCKS it.

Wipes her brow. She’s a mess.
Filthy. Bloody. Sweaty.

ETYA
Okay. Must get ready --

IN HER OFFICE
Etya goes to the safe. Opens it.
Pulls out a large chrome 357 MAGNUM.
Fondles it lovingly.

ETYA
Is only fitting I use her gun.
She deserted us, and now comes back?
I spit on her, I -- I --
(beat)
Drink to her demise.

She goes to the bar.
Opens a bottle of vodka.

Pours a stiff one.
Takes a sip. Walks into --

THE FRONT ROOM
Etya sits at the reception desk.
Puts down the drink.

ETYA
No. Am sitting goose.

She goes to the lights.
Shuts them off.

IN THE DARK

ETYA (V.O.)
Now. Where to hide?

MAVRA (V.O.)
Hide? Hide? HIDE?
I didn’t teach you to HIDE like a COWARD.
I taught you to CONFRONT danger,
meet it HEAD-ON, like WARRIOR.

ETYA (V.O.)
M-momma?

MAVRA (V.O.)
Surprise, boobala.
Just flew in from Dubrovnik,
and boy are arms tired.
Turn on light.
I want to see you.

Etya’s gun CLICKS.

ETYA (V.O.)
Stay where you are.
Don’t move oyster.

MAVRA (V.O.)
I’m not going to hurt you, Etya.
(choking with emotion)
I came all this way -- to see you.

ETYA (V.O.)
You -- did?
(beat)
No. No way --

MAVRA (V.O.)
I don’t want to hurt you.
You’re my daughter.
(softly)
My baby.

Lights SNAP on.
and Mavra face off.
Each with a gun.

ETYA
But you’re -- pointing weapon at me.

MAVRA
I may be sentimental,
but I’m not an idiot.

They stare at each other.
Taking it all in.

MAVRA
You look good. Healthy.
A bit torn up from big chase scene, but good.
Really good. Where’s your father?

ETYA
He’s on the way.
And if you try and kill him,
I’ll, I’ll -- kill you.

MAVRA
You won’t kill me.
I’m your mother.

ETYA
Who abandoned family.

MAVRA
I was made Zagreb laughingstock.
Your father never made love to me,
he drove me into arms of other men.

ETYA
So now you’re saying I’m
not flower of father’s fertilizer?

MAVRA
Of course not.
We use turkey baster.
Can’t you see resemblance?
(looks at her)
And you are even more beautiful --

ETYA
You’re not going to butter me.

MAVRA
What is -- butter you?

ETYA
Is compliment to get what you want.

MAVRA
But I -- just want you to love me.

ETYA
Kiss my dick.

MAVRA
No, is true. Look. I put down gun.
(tosses it)
You’re my daughter, my only child.
I love you, Etya. Please. Come to Momma.
Let me take you away from all this.
(meaningfully)
We can start our own crime family.

Etya lowers her gun.
Collapses into Mavra’s arms.

They hold each other.
Pull apart. Kiss.
.
YURI (O.C.)
Now look what we have here.
Regular family reunion.
Is ‘Full House.’

YURI
steps into frame.
GUN aimed at Mavra.

YURI
Mavra. Still lovely, as always.
Sight for sore eyes.

PUSH IN ON Mavra.
Eyes dancing with danger.

MAVRA
Yuri.
Still with extension of penis, I see --