Tricks Are For Chicks

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of LEGS, Episode 3, homicide dick Bernie Keko gets called on the carpet for shooting kidnapper Darryl Head while rescuing his mother from his evil clutches. Meanwhile, equestrian officers Megan Paul and Ilona Ramirez get 'up close and personal' in the bedroom ...


INT. POLICE HQ - LARRY LIPSHITZ’S OFFICE - NIGHT
A tiny, cramped room
filled with boxes of files,
walls lined with plaques,
citations and framed photos.

LARRY
I want your report
on my desk before you leave.

BERNIE
He reached for his gun, chief.

LARRY
That may be,
but you went rogue, Bernie --
AND brought a civilian along.
Why didn’t you call for backup?

BERNIE
They kidnapped my MOTHER,
and said NO COPS.
What was I supposed to do?

LARRY
I get where you’re coming from,
but the commissioner
is asking for an investigation --

BERNIE
Shit.

LARRY
How’s your mother?
Is she okay?

BERNIE
No, she’s not okay.
She’s in a fucking COMA.

LARRY
Shit.

BERNIE
We got there just in time.
Fucking crazy, retarded trailer trash.
(beat)
Assholes --

LARRY
I thought you said
the little brother
was the retarded one.

BERNIE
He is.
But Darryl was pretty close.
We connected him to a
drug store robbery this afternoon.
Idiot stole insulin,
but didn’t get any needles.

LARRY
Now THAT’S retarded.
(beat)
I know you’re supposed
to say 'slow adult' nowadays.
It’s PC -- but I really like
saying 'retarded.'
'Retard.' You know?

BERNIE
Yeah.
Me, too.
I hate that shit.
There’s all these words
you can’t say anywore --
oriental, indian, fag --
how are you supposed to
keep track of ‘em?
and when the FUCK did
Siamese twins become 'conjoined.'
What’s up with THAT?

He closes his eyes.
A tear trickles down his cheek.

LARRY
I’m sorry about your mother, Bernie.
Go home and pour yourself
a big, stiff one.
The report can wait
until tomorrow.

BERNIE
(opens his eyes, gets up)
Thanks, Larry.

LARRY
How’s your dad holding up?

BERNIE
Not good.
He’s still in shock.
Won’t talk about it yet.
Denial is a river
that runs in our family.

LARRY
I’ll do the best
I can for you, Bernie.
Go on.
Get the fuck outta here.
Have one for me.

Bernie nods.
Walks out.
Larry watches him go.

LARRY
Imagine that.
No more nagging --

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Cute. Surprisingly girlie.
Meg and Ilona lay snuggling
under the covers in Meg’s
queen-size canopy bed.

MEG
What are we doing?
You’re my partner.

ILONA
Partner in crime
is more like it.

MEG
Hot candle wax --

ILONA
I knew you’d like it.

MEG
Whipped cream --

ILONA
Too make the boo-boo
feel better.

MEG
Handcuffs.

ILONA
I wasn’t sure I’d like that.
Such a cliche, you know?
For a cop --
(beat)
Carrie turn you on to that?

MEG
Yeah.
Got a lot more tricks
where that came from.

ILONA
And here I thought
you were such a good girl.

MEG
(imitates Mae West)
When I’m good, I’m very good --
but when I’m bad, I’m better.

She BURROWS UNDER the covers.

ILONA
Hey.
What are you --
(beat)
Ohmigod.
YES.
Right there.
Don’t stop.
(beat)
Wait.
What are you doing?
In THERE?
No, no, no --
that’s an exit only --
(beat)
Oh. Oh. OH.
(beat)
OHMIGOD.