Legs For Days

Hey there, crime kids. Happy President's Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of WILSHIRE BOULEVARD, Christian 'filmmaker' Ken Rice shoots a low-budge porno in a cheap motel room with an unusual 'girl.' Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love and her ex, B-movie queen Landon Hall have to deal with Carrie's ex-husband, homicide dick Bernie Keko after he finds a dead body next door ...


INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - DAY
One of those cheap flea-bag
by-the-hour joints
on Sunset deep in the
scuzzy bowels of Hollywood.

Weird, old disco plays
on a large, ancient boombox.
IT’S GOT TO BE LOVE, indeed.

A small fan pushes
gusts of air over --

A tall, BEAUTIFUL GIRL (19)
poses for us.

Azure eyes.
Legs for days.
And weeks.

She moves with the music.
Coltish, a bit awkward.
Which makes it sexier.

Behind the camcorder,
Ken Rice adjusts the lens.

KEN
Lovely.
Just lovely.
You have the face
of an angel, Nikki.
(dramatic)
Okay -- PLACES, PLEASE.
And -- ACTION.

A door opens.
In walks the MONSTER
we saw at Scandals.

Meet RAT KODICK,
West Hollywood’s answer
to Ratso Rizzo.

Without the charm.
A hulking, sweaty mass
of useless flesh.

RAT
(to the girl)
Hey, baby.
What’s cookin’?

NIKKI
(gives him the once-over)
Apparently, you are.

He walks over to her.
Places his hands on her ass.

RAT
I’d love to put
something in your oven.

NIKKI
Mmmm.
That’s funny, cause
I’m awfully hungry --

A cell phone RINGS.

Nikki races over to a knapsack
on the kitchenette counter.
Pulls out a cell phone. Listens.

NIKKI
Hello?
(beat)
Oh, hi --

KEN
Stop! Cut!
What are you DOING?

NIKKI
(male voice)
It’s my father.
Hold on to your wig.

‘Nikki’ listens.
Lights up a smoke.

NIKKI (CONT'D)
I can’t talk,
I’m in class right now.
(beat)
Music?
I’m in music class --
(beat)
My grades?
But I’ve got the
rest of the year to --
(beat)
Dinner?
Well, I dunno -- I have
this exam I have to cram for --
(beat)
Alright, okay.
See you then.

Nikki angrily CLICKS
the phone shut.
STOMPS her foot.

NIKKI
Stupid old FUCK.

She pulls out
a coke snifter.

HONKS a bump.
Then another.

KEN
Everything okay?
NIKKI
(smiles sweetly)
Never better.

INT. CARRIE’S JOINT - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Carrie and Landon sit
on the giant sectional couch,
spiffed up in tight jeans
and wife-beaters,
sipping Coronas with lime wedges.
Carrie sports a bag of ice.

CARRIE
So tell me again why we broke up?

LANDON
Uh, I met my boyfriend Zack?

CARRIE
Oh, yeah -- that’s it.

A loud KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
at the door.

CARRIE
Cue the fuzz.

In walks Bernie.
Shaking his head.
He checks out the girls.

BERNIE
Ladies.
(nods at the beer)
Got another one of those?

CARRIE
You’re on duty.

BERNIE
Okay, we’ve got
one dead hippie next door.
Clumsily hidden in a sofa bed.

CARRIE
That would be Kip Slobotnik.

BERNIE
Kip got capped
three times in the face.
At EXTREMELY close range.
Actually, there’s not much
of a face left.

CARRIE
Serves the greasy fucker right.

BERNIE
Excuse me?

CARRIE
He made my life
a living nightmare.
Up all night
blasting bad music,
getting in my face,
hitting on my chicks --

BERNIE
Looks like somebody
might have a motive --

CARRIE
Can it, Bernie.
You think I killed Mr. Natural,
then knocked myself out in the alley
where I could be found?

Pause.

BERNIE
Can you come
and identify the body?

CARRIE
With pleasure.

LANDON
(gets up)
Okay.
That’s my cue.
Gotta date with Zack.
See ya later.

CARRIE
And just where are you two
lovebirds going?

LANDON
We’re gonna go see
the new Vin Diesel flick,
then go to ‘Hot Dog On A Stick.’

Bernie’s eyes light up.

CARRIE
ZIP IT, buster.
Not a word.

BERNIE
But I was just gonna --

CARRIE
No.

BERNIE
Ask her if they had --

CARRIE
BERNIE.

BERNIE
Bearded clams on a bun.

Carrie shakes her head in disgust.

BERNIE
See?
It wasn’t a dick joke --