Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 21 of LEGS, we reach the exciting conclusion of our story, in which private eye Carrie Love attends her father's funeral ... and then has a midnight rendezvous with porn star Laura Lang ...
EXT. MALIBU BEACHFRONT MANSION - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Todd Senior’s joint.
A giant home right on the sand.
Gleaming chrome and glass.
Out of a coffee table book.
CARRIE (V.O.)
After my meltdown, cooler heads prevailed.
The evil superpowers reached detente.
Eva got to have her cremation,
and Todd got to have his funeral.
Half of my father’s ashes
would be buried in the cemetery,
and the other half would be
sprinkled into the ocean.
I’m sure he would have loved it.
Two services for the price of one.
(beat)
Cue the warm and fuzzies --
ANGLE ON:
Standing in the driveway are
Carrie, Margo, Nate and Todd.
Decked out in funeral black.
Stiff. Somber.
They regard Todd Senior’s
humongous Mercedes Benz.
CARRIE
He finally bought a black car.
After all those years of brown.
Always brown --
NATE
Brown is the only color in Dad’s rainbow.
They look at each other.
Smile at their private joke.
TODD
We might as well take Dad’s car.
It’s the right thing to do.
NATE
Symbolic --
CARRIE
Not to mention 'event-appropriate.'
Nate stifles a giggle.
Todd shoots Carrie a look.
Margo stomps out her cigarette.
Shudders.
MARGO
Let’s get this show on the road.
I’ve got my book club at three.
Todd goes to the driver’s-side door.
Opens it.
TODD
I’ll drive.
CARRIE
(low)
Thanks, dad --
TODD
What was that?
CARRIE
Nothing.
NATE
(mumbles)
Sorry, dad --
TODD
WHAT did you say?
MARGO
Children, KNOCK IT OFF.
Get in the car.
We’re supposed to be IN MOURNING.
INT. MERCEDES BENZ - MOVING - DAY
Todd drives. Margo sits shotgun.
Carrie behind Todd.
Nate sits next to her.
They look out the windows.
Pensive. Silent.
TODD
How about a little music
to lighten the mood?
MARGO
That would be nice --
Todd holds up a CD.
TODD
Bryan Ferry okay?
CARRIE
Yeah, sure.
NATE
Cool.
MARGO
Who’s a fairy?
Todd tries to slide the CD
in the player.
But it won’t go in.
Everybody sees.
Realizes.
The last CD he was listening to
is still in there.
A pregnant pause.
Everyone exchanges glances.
CARRIE
Go ahead.
Play it.
Todd takes a deep breath.
Places his index finger on the button.
Presses PLAY, and --
The sickly-sweet sounds of Julio Iglesias’
TO ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE
floods the car at a DEAFENING VOLUME.
CARRIE
Oh MY GOD.
NATE
HA, HA, HA --
Everyone erupts into WILD LAUGHTER.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Carrie and her family walk toward
the crowd of mourners around the grave site.
Trying not to smile.
Stifling giggles.
CARRIE (V.O.)
And for the first time in a long time,
we actually resembled a normal family.
It only took staring death in the face
to bring us together.
(beat)
At least for a little while --
INT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DUSK
Carrie walks over to the stereo.
Looking hot in black.
Sipping a giant cocktail
of something strong.
CARRIE (V.O.)
People mourn in different ways.
Some just lie around the house
feeling miserable.
Some people get drunk.
(beat)
Others get laid.
She goes to the mini stereo.
Presses PLAY.
The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s sexy, Euro-croon
THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH fills the room.
Carrie slinks away,
in time to the music,
sipping her potion.
CARRIE (V.O.)
Hey, two out of three ain’t bad.
INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie checks out her reflection.
Touches up her lipstick.
CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t remember when I’d
been so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.
She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
The CD starts SKIPPING.
Carrie picks up the remote.
Presses a button.
On shuffle, it starts playing
ABC’S pop-magic-confection THE LOOK OF LOVE.
Big smile.
She lights a joint.
Inhales. Closes her eyes.
Goes off somewhere to the music,
dancing, swirling --
The doorbell RINGS.
Carrie tenses.
Walks to the door,
opens it to reveal --
A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight, sheer ankle-length number
with buttons all the way up the front.
With five, maybe six buttoned.
Nothing else on underneath.
LAURA
Oh my god.
That’s my favorite song --
Their eyes lock.
CARRIE
It’s -- my favorite song, too.
Laura TOSSES her handbag.
GRABS Carrie.
LAURA
How in the hell did I find you?
And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.
Laura on top, insinuating
her splendor into Carrie’s grass.
CARRIE
The -- yellow pages?
The phone BR-RINGS.
LAURA
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.
CARRIE
(under water)
It’s -- broken.
BR-RING. BR-RING.
LAURA
Godammit.
She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder. CRASH.
LAURA
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?
CARRIE
You were -- uh --
Laura gently cups Carrie’s breasts.
LAURA
(throaty)
That’s right.
I was claiming what’s mine.
Carrie MOANS with pleasure.
EXT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - NIGHT
We see her living room window.
Open. Light spilling out.
CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s it for now, folks.
Time for me to head off into the sunset.
And time for you to get back to your
happy, shiny little lives.
Time to go walk the dog,
read a book before bed --
or, if you’re really lucky,
make love to that certain someone
that makes your head spin.
From inside, we hear something CRASH.
CARRIE (V.O.)
Me? I’ll be right here,
playing craps with my heart --
and spinning the roulette wheel of love.
A FIGURE IN BLACK
emerges from the shadows.
Goes to the window.
Opens the blinds a tiny bit.
Peers in.
FADE TO BLACK
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