Born-Again Christian Fuck

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In Chapter 13 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and her ex, detective Bernie Kekg get the scoop on the whereabouts of the strip club from stripper Jonna James. Moments later, Carrie has to referee an explosive family fight over her father's funeral arrangements ...


EXT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - NIGHT
Carrie sits behind the wheel.
Jonna sits beside her in the passenger seat.
Bernie leans in the window.

BERNIE
I’m gonna go scope out the strip club.
Take her to a motel,
go deal with your family shit,
and then get some rest.
We’ll talk in the morning.
I’ll run Grizzly Adams on the system,
see what we come up with.

CARRIE
The name is French Canadian.
So is the club owner, Cor Cirac.
I have a hunch he’s involved in this.

JONNA
(leans over, to Bernie)
He might not be there.
Some nights he goes out.

CARRIE
Where does he go?

JONNA
He likes to cruise Boy’s Town.

CARRIE
THAT’S why he was so bitchy with me --

BERNIE
So he’s a fudge-packer.
(off her look)
You know, a bone smuggler.

CARRIE
BERNIE.

BERNIE
Simmer down. Go.
I’ve got everything under control.

Carrie sighs.
Starts up the car.
Looks at him.

CARRIE
That’s what I’m afraid of --

INT. MARGO’S ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The roaring flames CRACKLE
over logs in the fireplace.
Homey. Cozy. Picture-perfect.

If it weren’t for the dysfunctional
domestic disaster now brewing.
ORDINARY PEOPLE, anyone?

Todd sit in a big wing chair
gripping a can of Diet Coke
as if his life depended on it.

TODD
But he was my FATHER.
You were only married
to him FIVE YEARS.
We’re BLOOD. FAMILY.

Sitting across from him
on the couch is EVA LOVE (40),
Carrie’s father’s second wife.

Blonde. Blue-eyed. Aryan. Curvy. No-nonsense.
A bit formal in a designer suit.

EVA
(hint of a German accent)
You have no right to
talk to me in that tone, young man.
As far as you’re concerned,
I’m family, TOO.
Your father loved me VERY MUCH.
I have EVERY RIGHT to be in on this.

Carrie stands over at the bar fixing a cocktail.
She pours scotch in a cut-glass tumbler.

Adds ice from a bucket with silver tongs.
Swirls the nectar. Takes a sip.

CARRIE
So why don’t you arrange
the ceremony together?
Can’t we all just get along?

TODD
We can’t do that because
Eva wants to have him CREMATED --

EVA
(nods, to Carrie)
It was his final wish.
He had just bought the yacht,
and he fell in love with the sea.
He wanted his ashes scattered into the ocean.
And then a small memorial service.

TODD
But his WILL says
he wants a standard burial.

EVA
He was changing the will, Todd.
You can check with his attorney.

Carrie walks toward them.
Stands in front of the fireplace.

CARRIE
What we’ve got here
is a failure to communicate.

TODD
State the obvious much?

NATE (O.C.)
Cool Hand Luke, right?

Nate stands in the doorway
holding a bottle of beer.

Smiles grimly at Carrie.
She gives him a wink.

TODD
What the hell?

EVA
Oh. I LOVE Paul Newman --

CARRIE
They showed that in Germany?

EVA
Oh, yes. We saw all his movies.
I saw Butch Cassidy
a dozen times as a young girl.
(sighs)
I would get lost in his blue eyes.

TODD
Enough movie talk, okay?
We’ve got to settle this, now.

CARRIE
Put a sock in it, Todd.
What’s the fucking rush?

TODD
Because I SAY SO --

CARRIE
And what gives YOU the right
to tell us what to do?

TODD
Because I’ve been living the straight and narrow
while YOU’VE been living the life of a SINNER --
drinking and driving, corrupting a MINOR,
and who knows what else --

CARRIE
Well, at least I’m not a
self-righteous, judgemental,
born-again Christian FUCK
with a STICK UP HIS ASS.

Todd JUMPS UP.
Turns beet-red.
Clenches his fists.

TODD
WHAT did you say?

CARRIE
(sings)
Jesus died for somebody’s sins,
but not mine --

Todd ROARS with anger.
CHARGES at Carrie.

She steps to the side.
Puts out her foot. TRIPS him.

He CRASHES into the wall, THUMP.
WHIRLS around.

TODD
MOM --

MARGO (O.C.)
What’s going ON down there?

Margo appears on the stairway
in her robe. Small and frail.

MARGO
I heard shouting and banging.

TODD
It’s Carrie, Mom.
She ASSAULTED ME.

CARRIE
I assaulted YOU?
You CHARGED at me like
Bill O’Reilly on STEROIDS --
(beat)
I’m SORRY if I was abusive
to you when we were kids.
Dad was abusive to ME,
and I took it out on you.
But that was a LONG TIME AGO --
(beat)
And now he’s DEAD,
and you’re acting just like HE DID.
I can’t fucking TAKE IT --

She SCREAMS.
THROWS her drink into the fireplace -- CRASH.

She FALLS onto her knees and starts SOBBING.
The dam finally BURSTING.

Head in her hands.
Tears. Snot. The works.

Nate races over.
Comforts her.

Margo stares at Eva.
Closes her eyes. Turns.

Grips the handrail.
Shuffles back upstairs.

EVA
If your father could see this,
he’d be ashamed.

PUSH IN ON Todd’s face.
Looking down.