Got Milf?

Happy Saturday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, we meet dead cheerleader Shayla Petrie's parents Adelle and Brub, who wonder why she hasn't come home for dinner yet. Meanwhile, Frankie and Josh transport Shayla's dead body over to Frankie's house in the trunk of his car ...


INT. SUBURBAN HOME - KITCHEN
Suzy Homemaker’s dream come true.
A riot of stainless steel and off-white
in the heart of suburbia.
Top Chef, ahoy.

A WOMAN (40’s), pert, smiling, very attractive
is studiously cooking at the stove.

She tastes the sauce with a wooden spoon.
Mmm. Delicious. Got Milf?

Meet ADELLE PETRIE, Shayla’s mom.
The perfect wife, mother, bookkeeper,
maid, chauffeur. You know the drill.

ADELLE
(calls into the next room)
Dinner’s almost ready, honey.
Did Shayla get home yet?
I didn’t hear her come in --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Not yet.
You want me to call her
on her cell?

BRUB PETRIE (40’s),
Shayla’s father walks in.
Tall and fit, with rugged good-looks.
Right out of a Sears catalogue.

I mean, could this family be
more picture-perfect or what?

ADELLE
I’m sure she’ll be along in a sec.
She’s NEVER late for dinner --

BRUB
Gosh, honey.
That’s smells terrific.
Is that a new recipe?

ADELLE
How’d you guess?

BRUB
When it comes to your cooking,
I’ve got a nose for adventure.

ADELLE
Oh, YOU.
Do me a favor and set the table
for dinner?

BRUB
Of course, my love.
Anything for you.

They gaze at each other
with undying love.

Brub suddenly SHITS HIS PANTS
with a ROAR OF FLATULENCE.

ADELLE
(waves her hand in the air)
Jesus fucking Christ, Brub.
Get the fuck out of here,
you’re shitting up the KITCHEN.

BRUB
Don’t use that tone
with me, BETTY CROCKER.
You want the belt again?

ADELLE
Oh, go ahead, Mr. Macho.
Why don’t you just fucking HIT me?
I told you to wear fucking Depends,
but NO -- Mr. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
just HAS to ruin his new Dockers.

Brub glowers.
Storms over to the doorway.
Over his shoulder.

BRUB
I’m going to take a shower,
and when I come back,
dinner BETTER be served.
Capiche?

Adelle blinks.
Cocks her head.
Smiles brightly.

ADELLE
Sure thing, honey-bun.
Comin’ up in jiffy.

INT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON - NIGHT
Frankie drives.
Mind reeling.
Deep in thought.

Josh stares out the window.
Miserable.

JOSH
So where are you
going to put her?

FRANKIE
In my basement lab, of course.

JOSH
Are you fucking KIDDING me?
That’s crazy.
Your mom will find her.

FRANKIE
No, she won’t.
She’s forbidden to go down there.
It’s my domain.
It’s not just my lab,
it’s also my room,
where I sleep.

JOSH
You’re going to sleep
in the same room
as a DEAD BODY?

FRANKIE
She’s not going to be
dead very long, Josh.

JOSH
Yeah.
That’s what I’m AFRAID of --

Death Of A Cheerleader

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, scientist Beck Driver at the Center For Disease Control gets a call about the dead rat Frankie reanimated. Meanwhile, head cheerleader Shayla Petrie gets killed in a hit and run accident, and Frankie decides to continue his 'experiment' ... and bring her back to life.


INT. CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL - OFFICE - DAY
A cluttered office filled with
book shelves and filing cabinets.
Paperwork EVERYWHERE.

A tall, intense-looking SCIENTIST (30’s)
talks on the phone.

Meet REBECCA ‘BECK’ DRIVER.
No-nonsense. Great-looking.

Even with the glasses,
hair pulled back.

Smokin’ hot bod
hidden behind Armani.

Has that Sarah Palin thing going on.
But whip-smart.

BECK
Don’t get me wrong,
I love Dustin Hoffman,
but OUTBREAK was ridiculous.
The virus was --
(sees something)
My other line.
Hold on a sec --
(PUNCHES a button)
This is Beck --
(listens)
REALLY?
How long had it been dead?
(listens)
I’ll be there
as fast as I can.
(listens)
Of course.
Do you realize
what this could MEAN?
(listens)
Got it. Bye.
(PUNCHES another button)
I’m back.
You’ll never believe
what was just found
in Venison, Ohio --
(listens)
A dead rat on the loose.
(listens)
Yeah.
It was brought back to life.
(listens)
OF COURSE I’ve see RE-ANIMATOR.

EXT. THE CAMELOT MOTEL - DUSK
A seedy, shitty adult motel
on the outskirts of town near a park.

Frankie’s VW bus is parked
at the opposite side
of the gravel parking lot
far away from Willis’ truck.

JOSH
I’m cold, I’m hungry,
and I gotta take a piss.

FRANKIE
You can go if you want to.

JOSH
I’m not gonna WALK home.
It’s too FAR.

FRANKIE
Relax.
They’re not gonna
be much longer.
They both have to
go home for dinner.

On cue, a motel door OPENS.
Shayla and Willis walk out.

Dishevelled, with that
‘just had sex’ look.
And a bit tipsy.

They look around,
make sure they’re not being seen.

Willis holds a bottle
of Jack Daniels.
Takes a long swallow.

They both get in the truck.
It starts driving away.

IN FRANKIE’S VAN
He starts the engine.

FRANKIE
Okay, here we go --

IN WILLIS’ TRUCK
Shayla grips her stomach.
Turns green --

SHAYLA
Stop the car.
I’m gonna get --

And PROJECTILE VOMITS
all over the dashboard.

WILLIS
Fucking BITCH.
Look what you did to my TRUCK.
(reaches over, YANKS her door open)
Get OUT.

SHAYLA
But, but --

Willis SHOVES her out of the seat.
She FLIES OUT the door.

IN THE VAN
Frankie and Josh see
Shayla HIT the pavement.

And Willis’ truck ROAR away.
Shayla stands up.
Shakes a fist. SCREAMS.

SHAYLA
You fucking ASSHOLE.

ON THE STREET
A DRUNK DRIVER comes
CAREENING around a corner.

Now that it’s getting darker,
he doesn’t see Shayla --
and CLIPS her with his front fender.

She FLIES into the air
like a rag doll --

And HITS the pavement, THWUMP.

FRANKIE’S VW BUS
SCREECHES to a halt
beside her motionless body.

Frankie and Josh jump out.
Walk over.

Frankie gets down on his knees.
Takes her pulse.
Shakes his head sadly.

FRANKIE
She’s -- dead.

JOSH
Shit.
We better call the cops --

FRANKIE
The COPS?
Are you fucking KIDDING me?

JOSH
What else could we --
(realizes)
Oh, no. No WAY.

FRANKIE
Way.
It worked on the rat.
Now I want to try it on her.

JOSH
This is SICK, Frankie.
You just want to be with her.
No WAY am I getting involved in this.
We could go to jail for a LONG time.

FRANKIE
So we don’t get caught.
Now help me put her
in the back of the van.
(off his silence)
C’mon, don’t you want me
to go down in medical history?

JOSH
(sighs)
I’ll take the feet.
You grab her arms --

Jocks Gone Wild

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, the plot thickens when the dead rat that Frankie reanimated escapes into Vita's house, causing her mom to call the cops. Meanwhile, Frankie stands up school bully Willis Grubb, head cheerleader Shayla's boyfriend, and Frankie's crush ... and when he finds out Willis beats her, he decides to follow them ...


INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Plain and ordinary, but comfy. Homey.
We hear SQUEALING and BANGING
from behind a closed door.

Vita’s mother PEGGY (40)
talks on the phone.
Looks freaked out.

PEGGY
Nobody’s come yet.
Can they hurry it up?
It’s making such an awful racket --

DISPATCHER (O.C.)
(electronic)
You don’t need to call
nine-one-one more than once, Ma’am.
An officer should be there any minute.

The doorbell RINGS.

PEGGY
That must them.
Thanks, bye --

She hangs up,
rushes out of the room to the --

FRONT DOOR
Where she opens it.
A UNIFORMED OFFICER walks in.

Young. Decent-looking.
Trying very hard not to smile.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
Mrs. Heck?

PEGGY
Please. Call me Peggy.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
Peggy.
(nods)
Officer Beverage.
You reported a wild, rabid rat invasion?

Meet CHET BEVERAGE (30’s),
small town peace officer.

A bit paunchy from living the good life.
Great with getting cats out of trees.

Never fired his weapon.
On purpose, that is.

PEGGY
Yes, I did.
Thank god you’re here.
Come with me.
I’ll show you.

INT. SUBURBAN HOME - KITCHEN - DAY
Peggy and Chet stand in front of
the door to the basement.

The rat SQUEALS and BANGS
against the door.

PEGGY
I opened the back door
to take out the garbage,
and it ran in here like a little devil
and went down to the basement.

CHET
Why didn’t you call an exterminator?

PEGGY
Because it was, uh --
(eyes wide)
Already dead.

EXT. SUBURBAN HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
School’s out. Students leave the building
like a stream of ants.
Laughing and shouting as they walk.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Frankie and Josh walk towards Frankie’s car.

JOSH
But that’s CRAZY.
You can’t do that.
I’ve seen the movie.
It DOESN’T end well.

FRANKIE
Well, that’s because he used
body parts from several people --
but what about reanimating a whole person?

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hey, LOOK. THERE they are.
Don’t ask, don’t SMELL --

Reveal WILLIS GRUBB (18),
big and massive --
and Shayla’s boyfriend,
with his cohort KIRK KIRK, JR. (18),
even bigger.

Jocks Gone Wild.
Staring at them.
Fists clenched.

KIRK
And where are you
two love birds off to?

WILLIS
Wait -- don’t tell me.
They’re gonna Eat, Pray, Fuck.

They both BURST into laughter.
High-five each other.

FRANKIE
I don’t know what the hell
Shayla sees in you, you fat fuck.
You don’t DESERVE her.

JOSH
(whispers)
Frankie --

Willis’ face turns red.

WILLIS
I’m gonna fucking KILL you --

Frankie KICKS him in the balls.
Willis keels over in pain.

WILLIS
OW --

KIRK
You little SHIT --

Josh WHIPS OUT pepper spray
and SHOOTS it in Kirk’s eyes.

KIRK (CONT'D)
(wiping them)
My EYES, my EYES --

And they take TAKE OFF.

EXT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Frankie and Josh pile into Frankie’s van.
SLAM the doors.

JOSH
I can’t believe you fucking DID that.

FRANKIE
Neither can I.

INT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Frankie JAMS the car into gear.
Josh turns around and looks out
the back window.
Sees something.

JOSH
Wait. Don’t go.
hold on a sec --

FRANKIE
Are you fucking crazy?

He starts pulling out of his parking space.

JOSH
WAIT. It’s Shayla --

FRANKIE
What?

Frankie turns around. Looks.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Willis SLAPS Shayla. GRABS her.
SHOVES her into his pickup truck.

SLAMS the door.
PEELS RUBBER out of the parking lot.

IN FRANKIE’S CAR
He looks at Josh. Open-mouthed.

FRANKIE
The rumors are TRUE.
He DOES hit her.

Frankie HITS THE GAS
and drives toward the exit.

JOSH
What are you DOING?

FRANKIE
What does it look like?
I’m gonna FOLLOW them --

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
Frankie’s car follows Willis’ truck
down the street.

INT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Josh looks at Frankie.

JOSH
You’re fucking crazy.
What are you gonna do
when you catch up with them?

FRANKIE
Rescue her --

Here Come The Archetypes

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, science genius nerd Frankie Stein runs into his next-door neighbor Vita Heck, who invites him to play Dungeons and Dragons later that night. Later on at school, Frankie confides in his best friend Josh Bohner about bringing the dead rat back to life, and that he's got the hots for head cheerleader Shayla Petrie ...


EXT. FRANKIE’S HOUSE - DAY
Frankie comes out the door.
Starts walking over to his car,
a decrepit, old Volkswagon bus.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hey, Frankie --

He turns and look, sees --

VITA HECK (17),
his next-door neighbor.
Your classic tomboy.

Hair in a ponytail. Glasses.
Baggy clothes.

Not the stuff of teenage dreams.
But kinda cute if you
squint your eyes.

FRANKIE
Hey, Vita.
What’s up?

VITA
Finally fixed the motherboard.
Got two-hundred screaming gigs of POWER.

FRANKIE
(distracted)
That’s -- great.

He opens the car door.
Gets in.

Starts the engine.
Vita walks over to the car.

VITA
A bunch of us are gonna play
Dungeons and Dragons tonight.
Can I pencil you in as a wizard?

FRANKIE
I haven’t played that
since we were kids --

VITA
I know.
I just thought --

FRANKIE
You ask me every week.
And what do I always say?

VITA
Uh, no -- ?

FRANKIE
Don’t get me wrong.
I really appreciate the invite.
No hard feelings?

VITA
Okay --

He nods.
Puts the car in gear
and drives away.

She watches the car sadly
as it goes down the street.
Sighs.

VITA
I’ve loved you all
these years, Frankie Stein --
and you don’t even know I exist.

EXT. SUBURBAN HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Out of a John Hughes movie.
Old and stately.

Manicured lawn.
Manicured kids from good homes.

The joint’s abuzz with dozens of STUDENTS
on their way to class.

Frankie walks with his friend
JOSH BOHNER (17), small and intense.

JOSH
You mean it WORKED?

FRANKIE
Yeah.
Then the little fucker ran away.

JOSH
Do you realize what this MEANS?

FRANKIE
That I’m a genius?

JOSH
(sees something)
Uh-oh.
Here come the archetypes --

A trio of CHEERLEADERS walk by.
Two scoops of blonde times three.

They glide by the boys.
Bathed in golden sunlight.

Frankie sighs. Stares at --
SHAYLA PETRIE (17), the head cheerleader.

She sees Frankie staring.
Whispers to her friends.
They ERUPT in laughter.

FRANKIE
Shayla Petrie --

JOSH
I can’t believe you have
the hots for her.
She just LAUGHED at you.

FRANKIE
I don’t care.
She’s perfect --

JOSH
Hello?
Reality check?
She’s WAY out of your league.

FRANKIE
(watches her go)
I don’t care --

JOSH
(tugs on his sleeve)
C’mon, we’re gonna be late for chem lab.

They start walking inside.

FRANKIE
I would KILL to be with her.

JOSH
Careful what you wish for --

HIDING BEHIND A NEARBY TREE
We see Vita, watching them.
She shakes her head sadly.

VITA
Shayla Petrie?
She’s the biggest slut in SCHOOL --

Re-Animator

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir-horror action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 1 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, teenage science genius nerd Frankie Stein brings a dead rat to life in his secret basement lab, but when it escapes into the house just as his mother comes home, he has to think fast ...


OVER OPENING TITLES:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACK YARD - FLASHBACK - DAY
Sepia-toned, hand-held,
jittery home video footage of --

A sparse back yard in a subdivision lot.
Tiny, new trees. Wooden fence. Fresh sod.
Brand-new boy’s and girl’s bikes.

A young BOY (10) and girl (10)
look into the camera, smiling.

She’s wearing her best party dress.
He’s in his Sunday best.

He takes her hand,
and they walk over to --

A mock-church altar setup
made with balloons and streamers.

Behind it stands a SKINNY, SMALLER YOUNG BOY (10)
behind a podium.

He starts performing
a mock marriage ceremony.

CAMERA WHOOSHES around
and finds a PRETTY SUBURBAN MOM (30),
dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

She realizes the camera is on her,
then furiously points off-camera
at the kids.

CAMERA FLIES BACK
on the bride and groom,
just as they kiss.

INT. SUBURBAN HOME - BASEMENT - PRESENT DAY - NIGHT
Some cheesy 80’s hair metal ballad
plays on an I-pod stereo.
If I Close My Eyes Forever, indeed.

Your classic wood-panelled rec room.
Now a science lab STUFFED
with a maze of equipment.

Seated at a workbench is FRANKIE STEIN (17).
‘Nerd’ would be compliment.

Think Michael Cera
divided by Jessie Eisenberg.

He’s wearing thick gloves,
sleeves and a big apron.

Frankie looks at a dead RAT
lying on the table, recent roadkill.
Thinking. He nods --

Leans over, starts attaching
a series of electrical cables
connected to suction cups on the rat’s
head, chest, arms and legs.

Nods. Turns to a laptop.
Starts PUNCHING in data.

THE MONITOR
Shows a series of graphs that read
HEART, LUNG and BRAIN.
Each reads 'zero percent' below them.

FRANKIE
Smiles grimly.

FRANKIE
Rat-tastic.

He picks up a syringe.
SQUIRTS it. Looks at the rat --

FRANKIE
You’re going to feel a small pinch.

And INJECTS it.
Frankie then turns to a TRANSFORMER
that the cables are attached to.

He starts flipping a series of switches.
We hear a HUMMING sound.

A NEEDLE
On the transformer starts
moving from left to right.
It approaches the red zone --

FRANKIE
FLIPS DOWN a metal bar, and --

THE RAT
Gets ZAPPED with electricity. BUZZZ.

THE GRAPHS
All JUMP to ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

THE RAT
BOLTS UP in the air.
LEAPS onto Frankie and BITES his arm.

FRANKIE
SHIT --

He GRABS a coffee mug off the table
and WHACKS him in the head with it.

The rat goes FLYING into the air
and lands on the floor.

Starts SCURRYING around,
SMASHING into stuff.

FRANKIE
(looks at his arm)
Kevlar.
The gift that keeps protecting.

He watches the rat RACE
around the room. Then realizes.

FRANKIE
I didn’t close the DOOR --

It goes to the stairs,
starts FLYING up to the first floor.
He CHASES after it.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Total suburbia brought to you
by the color beige,
dimly lit by the light
coming from the various appliances.

The rat RACES through the kitchen,
followed by Frankie.

The rat BANGS around the room,
looking for an escape.

Frankie THROWS OPEN the door
to the back yard,
and the rodent FLIES OUT.

He SLAMS the door.
Exhales. Shakes his head.

FRANKIE
Talk about a rat-race.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Is everything okay, honey?

The lights FLIP ON.

Frankie’s mother JULIE (40’s)
stands there in her bathrobe.

Once a great beauty,
now a bit washed-out-looking.

But still appealing,
even fresh-scrubbed.

JULIE
I heard the door slam.
Everything okay?

FRANKIE
(nods)
I was coming in from the back yard.
The wind blew the door shut.

JULIE
What were you doing in the backyard
so late at night?

FRANKIE
Uh -- I was --

JULIE
Never mind.
One of your experiments, right?

FRANKIE
Uh, yeah.

JULIE
Have a seat, boy genius.
I’ll fix you a glass of warm milk.

FRANKIE
Could I, uh -- get a beer?

Splendor In The Ass

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of LEGS, we reach the exciting conclusion of our story, in which private eye Carrie Love attends her father's funeral ... and then has a midnight rendezvous with porn star Laura Lang ...


EXT. MALIBU BEACHFRONT MANSION - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Todd Senior’s joint.
A giant home right on the sand.

Gleaming chrome and glass.
Out of a coffee table book.

CARRIE (V.O.)
After my meltdown, cooler heads prevailed.
The evil superpowers reached detente.
Eva got to have her cremation,
and Todd got to have his funeral.
Half of my father’s ashes
would be buried in the cemetery,
and the other half would be
sprinkled into the ocean.
I’m sure he would have loved it.
Two services for the price of one.
(beat)
Cue the warm and fuzzies --

ANGLE ON:

Standing in the driveway are
Carrie, Margo, Nate and Todd.

Decked out in funeral black.
Stiff. Somber.

They regard Todd Senior’s
humongous Mercedes Benz.

CARRIE
He finally bought a black car.
After all those years of brown.
Always brown --

NATE
Brown is the only color in Dad’s rainbow.

They look at each other.
Smile at their private joke.

TODD
We might as well take Dad’s car.
It’s the right thing to do.

NATE
Symbolic --

CARRIE
Not to mention 'event-appropriate.'

Nate stifles a giggle.
Todd shoots Carrie a look.

Margo stomps out her cigarette.
Shudders.

MARGO
Let’s get this show on the road.
I’ve got my book club at three.

Todd goes to the driver’s-side door.
Opens it.

TODD
I’ll drive.

CARRIE
(low)
Thanks, dad --

TODD
What was that?

CARRIE
Nothing.

NATE
(mumbles)
Sorry, dad --

TODD
WHAT did you say?

MARGO
Children, KNOCK IT OFF.
Get in the car.
We’re supposed to be IN MOURNING.

INT. MERCEDES BENZ - MOVING - DAY
Todd drives. Margo sits shotgun.
Carrie behind Todd.

Nate sits next to her.
They look out the windows.
Pensive. Silent.

TODD
How about a little music
to lighten the mood?

MARGO
That would be nice --

Todd holds up a CD.

TODD
Bryan Ferry okay?

CARRIE
Yeah, sure.

NATE
Cool.

MARGO
Who’s a fairy?

Todd tries to slide the CD
in the player.
But it won’t go in.

Everybody sees.
Realizes.

The last CD he was listening to
is still in there.

A pregnant pause.
Everyone exchanges glances.

CARRIE
Go ahead.
Play it.

Todd takes a deep breath.
Places his index finger on the button.
Presses PLAY, and --

The sickly-sweet sounds of Julio Iglesias’
TO ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE
floods the car at a DEAFENING VOLUME.

CARRIE
Oh MY GOD.

NATE
HA, HA, HA --

Everyone erupts into WILD LAUGHTER.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Carrie and her family walk toward
the crowd of mourners around the grave site.

Trying not to smile.
Stifling giggles.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And for the first time in a long time,
we actually resembled a normal family.
It only took staring death in the face
to bring us together.
(beat)
At least for a little while --

INT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DUSK
Carrie walks over to the stereo.
Looking hot in black.

Sipping a giant cocktail
of something strong.

CARRIE (V.O.)
People mourn in different ways.
Some just lie around the house
feeling miserable.
Some people get drunk.
(beat)
Others get laid.

She goes to the mini stereo.
Presses PLAY.

The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s sexy, Euro-croon
THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH fills the room.

Carrie slinks away,
in time to the music,
sipping her potion.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie checks out her reflection.
Touches up her lipstick.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t remember when I’d
been so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.

She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
The CD starts SKIPPING.

Carrie picks up the remote.
Presses a button.

On shuffle, it starts playing
ABC’S pop-magic-confection THE LOOK OF LOVE.

Big smile.
She lights a joint.
Inhales. Closes her eyes.

Goes off somewhere to the music,
dancing, swirling --

The doorbell RINGS.
Carrie tenses.

Walks to the door,
opens it to reveal --

A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight, sheer ankle-length number
with buttons all the way up the front.

With five, maybe six buttoned.
Nothing else on underneath.

LAURA
Oh my god.
That’s my favorite song --

Their eyes lock.

CARRIE
It’s -- my favorite song, too.

Laura TOSSES her handbag.
GRABS Carrie.

LAURA
How in the hell did I find you?

And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.

Laura on top, insinuating
her splendor into Carrie’s grass.

CARRIE
The -- yellow pages?

The phone BR-RINGS.

LAURA
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.

CARRIE
(under water)
It’s -- broken.

BR-RING. BR-RING.

LAURA
Godammit.

She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder. CRASH.

LAURA
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?

CARRIE
You were -- uh --

Laura gently cups Carrie’s breasts.

LAURA
(throaty)
That’s right.
I was claiming what’s mine.

Carrie MOANS with pleasure.

EXT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - NIGHT
We see her living room window.
Open. Light spilling out.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s it for now, folks.
Time for me to head off into the sunset.
And time for you to get back to your
happy, shiny little lives.
Time to go walk the dog,
read a book before bed --
or, if you’re really lucky,
make love to that certain someone
that makes your head spin.

From inside, we hear something CRASH.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Me? I’ll be right here,
playing craps with my heart --
and spinning the roulette wheel of love.

A FIGURE IN BLACK
emerges from the shadows.

Goes to the window.
Opens the blinds a tiny bit.
Peers in.

FADE TO BLACK

Till Death Do Us Part

Happy Saturday, crime slicksters. Hope you're having a great weak-end. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of Legs, private eye Carrie Love has her final showdown with French Canadian white slave trafficker Cor Cirac and trust fund heiress Dina Daerr deep in the bowels of the Cheetah Lounge on the Sunset strip and rescues her ex, homicide dick Bernie Keko ...


INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - COR’S OFFICE - NIGHT
A fussy, over-decorated dimly lit room
done up very chi-chi modern.

Zebra print furniture. Tiki bar.
Some trashy Euro-trance
thump-thump-thumps softly on the stereo.

Carrie’s out cold.
Wrists handcuffed to a chair facing Cor,
seated behind his futuristic desk.

He lights a cigarette.
Looks at his watch.
Nods to the music.


Carrie opens her eyes.
Struggles to focus. Sees Cor.

COR
I trust you had a nice little nap.

CARRIE
You’re not gonna get away with this.

COR
Oh, yes I am --
(beat)
But we have a problem.

CARRIE
No shit.

COR
I’m not in the habit of
killing officers of the law,
or private detectives for that matter --
(smiles)
So I’d like to offer you a deal.

CARRIE
What kind of deal?

COR
A hundred thousand dollars
for you and Dirty Harry --
EACH, tax free.
If you keep your mouth shut
about my business.

CARRIE
A hundred K -- ?

COR
I THOUGHT that might
pique your interest.

She glares at him.
Narrows her eyes.

CARRIE
Two hundred.

COR
My dear, I don’t think
you’re in any position to negotiate --

GUN SHOTS RING OUT
in the corridor outside.
BANG. BANG. BANG.

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - MAIN STAGE - NIGHT
A trio of DANCERS onstage SCREAM.
Customers PANIC.

Everyone RACES toward the exits,
KNOCKING OVER tables and chairs.

Complete pandemonium.
Strippus interruptus.

INT. COR’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Cor hears the commotion.
BOLTS UP out of his chair.

COR
What the FUCK?

Carrie JUMPS UP, GRABS
the arms of the chair
in her cuffed hands.

SWINGS AROUND IN A CIRCLE,
and SMASHES the chair into him, CRACK.
He goes FLYING across the room --

CRASHING into the bar.
Mirrored glass SMASHES, goes FLYING.

Carrie WHIRLS AROUND again.
CRACKS the chair against the wall.
SMASHING it into pieces.

She RACES over.
GRABS Cor’s gun.

Looks at him.
Passed out on the floor.

CARRIE
THAT’S for thinking
I could be BOUGHT, asshole.

She tip-toes over to the door.
Puts her hand on the knob.
It SWINGS OPEN, to reveal --

DINA
Pointing a gun at Carrie.

Ridley’s dead body lies on the floor
behind her.

DINA
Surprise.

Carrie WHIPS out her gun. CLICK.

CARRIE
Put the gun down.

DINA
Fuck you, bitch.
We had a great little business
going here, and you FUCKED IT UP.

CARRIE
WRONG.
If your father hadn’t hired me
to find you, you’d be DEAD.

DINA
My father hired you?
(beat)
Wait a minute.
I’m confused.
I thought you were a COP.

CARRIE
I was.
Now I’m a private detective --

BERNIE (O.C.)
Drop the fucking gun
or I’ll blow your BRAINS OUT.

BERNIE
Appears behind her.
Service revolver aimed at her head.

Dina turns and looks.
Carrie SOCKS her in the jaw, CRACK,
sending her FLYING into the door.

She HITS the floor, THUMP.
Bernie and Carrie exchange looks.

BERNIE
Seems like old times --

CARRIE
Till death to us part, doll.

BERNIE
Still make a great team, huh?

CARRIE
Team of what, I don’t know --

BERNIE
C’mon, admit it.
I saved your ass.

CARRIE
Please.
I was just toying with her.

BERNIE
You’re welcome.

They stare at each other.

CARRIE
(softly)
Thanks.

BERNIE
You wanna -- go get a cup of coffee?

CARRIE
I’m fried, Bernie.
Rain check?

A FLUSTERED COP (20’s)
appears behind Bernie.
Weapon drawn.

Another FEMALE OFFICER
has the Russian girl.

FLUSTERED COP
FREEZE. Nobody MOVE.

BERNIE
Easy there, fella.
I’m a cop.
I’m gonna pull out my badge,
very slowly, okay?

FLUSTERED COP
Okay --

Bernie reaches into his jacket.
Pulls out his badge.
Flustered nods.

FLUSTERED COP (CONT'D)
Who’s she?
(realizes)
Holy SHIT.
Wait a minute --

BERNIE
Meet Carrie Love, private eye.
She just cracked this case
like Venus on the half-shell.
NOBODY fucks with her.

CARRIE
(nods)
One day at a crime, babe.

Bimbo Cold Storage

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of LEGS, it's a clusterfuck of epic proportions when private eye Carrie love and former white slave trafficker Dina Dearr sneak in the Cheetah Lounge strip club to try and rescue kidnapped homicide dick Bernie Keko ...


EXT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - REAR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Carrie’s car pulls into the lot. Parks.

INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - NIGHT
Carrie shuts off the engine.
Leans over.

Unlocks Dina’s cuffs.
Dina rubs her wrists.

CARRIE
The back door.
What does it lead to?

DINA
The kitchen.

CARRIE
How many in the kitchen?

DINA
Just Paco, the cook.

CARRIE
Can I take him?

DINA
Hell, yeah.
He’s a dwarf.

CARRIE
That’s what I call
a short order cook.

EXT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BACK DOOR - NIGHT
Carrie stands on one side of the door.
Dina on the other.

She pulls out her 9MM Baretta.
Shoves in a new clip.

DINA
You got an extra gun?

CARRIE
(nods)
Strapped to my ankle.

DINA
Can I borrow it?
I’m scared.

CARRIE
No. It’s against the law.

DINA
I promise I won’t --

CARRIE
NO GUN.

DINA
But --

CARRIE
I said NO, and I MEANT no.
So zip it.

DINA
Alright, alright.
(beat)
Jeez.

CARRIE
Okay.
You go in first.
Distract him.
He’ll recognize you.
Then I’ll race in
and grab him. Okay?

PUSH IN ON Dina’s face.
Nodding. Now scared.

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A small transistor radio
softly plays meringue music.

A small grill area.
Big sink nearby.
Pots and pans hanging above.

PACO (30’s), a Mexican dwarf,
stands on a box,
busily flips burgers,
cigarette dangling on his lip.
Concentrating.

The back door OPENS.
In walks Dina. Big smile.

DINA
Hey, Paco. Smells good.

PACO
Mees Dina.
You come back to work here?

DINA
Maybe.
I’m here to see Cor.
Is he around?

PACO
(nods)
In da office --

Carrie walks in.
Big smile on her face.

CARRIE
Looks great.
Got an extra burger?

PACO
Sorry.
These are for the customers.

She pulls out her Baretta.
CRACKS him on the head with it.

CATCHES him before he falls over.
Dina watches in horror.

DINA
You didn’t have to --

CARRIE
Yes, I did.
Grab that laundry cart over there.

She nods. Wheels it over.
Carrie dumps Paco in it.

Goes the grill.
Scoops up the burgers.
Tosses them in the trash.

CARRIE
Okay.
Which way to Cor’s office?

Dina starts for the doorway.

DINA
This way. Follow me --

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BACK CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Dina leads Carrie down the hallway.
Carrie nods at a door.

CARRIE
Where does that lead?

DINA
The basement.
Bimbo cold storage.

CARRIE
(nods, points)
And that one?

DINA
Storage closet.

CARRIE
(stops)
Hold on a sec.

She pulls out her phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

From the other side of the door,
we hear a soft RINGING.

CARRIE
He’s in there --

She puts her hand on the knob.

A GUN WITH A SILENCER
Appears next to Carrie’s head.
The trigger CLICKS.

COR (O.C.)
So glad you could join us, Ms. Love.

COR CIRAC
Stands behind her.
Holding the gun.
Ridley beside him.

COR
(to Ridley)
Take the package downstairs.
I’ve got the swinging detective.

Innocent Until Proved Shitty

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of LEGS, the plot thickens when private eye Carrie Love grills kidnapped heiress Dina Daerr about her father's white slave trafficking 'business operation' with strip club owner Cor Cirac, and discovers he's kidnapped her ex, homicide dick Bernie Keko ...


INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie drives out of the motel parking lot.
Dina sits on the passenger side
handcuffed to the door handle.

CARRIE (V.O.)
So Jonna was in on it --
and that meant that her story
about Dick blackmailing Dina was a crock.
There WERE no sex tapes.
This was becoming as confusing
as a Raymond Chandler novel --

Carrie PUNCHES a number
on her cell phone. Listens.

CARRIE
C’mon, Bernie -- pick up.
(hears the voicemail)
SHIT. Bernie, it’s me, Legs.
It was a trap.
Jonna was holding Dina hostage
and tried to kill me,
so I had to kill HER.
I’ve got Dina, and I’m
on my way back to the club.
Cor Cirac must be the mastermind --
you gotta apprehend him IMMEDIATELY.
Call me when you get this message. Bye.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Shakes her head with disgust.

DINA
I still don’t see
why I have to be handcuffed.
I’ve been traumatized, you know --

CARRIE
You’re handcuffed because you’re
the main suspect in
the murder of your father,
I’ve been looking for you all night,
and now that I’ve got you,
I’m not letting you go. Capiche?

DINA
I didn’t kill my father.

CARRIE
Yeah, right.
His throat was cut by someone
who’s short AND left-handed.

DINA
COR is short and left-handed --

CARRIE
What?

DINA
Why would I kill my father?
We were gonna be in business together.

CARRIE
Yeah, right. What BUSINESS?

DINA
White slave trafficking.
(off her look)
Don’t be so shocked.
Cor and Jonna were already doing it,
we just wanted in. In this economy,
it’s one of the few growth industries.

CARRIE
Wait, wait, wait --
slow down a minute.
My head is spinning.
Start from the beginning.

DINA
(sighs)
If I tell you,
will you take off the cuffs?

CARRIE
Maybe. TALK.

Dina stares at her.
Throws daggers with her eyes.

Carrie SWERVES the car
off the road into the shoulder.

WHIPS out her gun.
JAMS IT against Dina’s head.

CARRIE
Talk. NOW.
Or that curb is getting
a fresh coat of red paint.

DINA
Alright, alright.
Put down the piece.
(sighs)
Daddy found out that Cor and Jonna
had something big going on,
so he had me go undercover
at the club as a dancer.

CARRIE
White slave trafficking --

DINA
Yeah. Some girls that came to the club
wanting to be dancers were illegal,
so he decided to kidnap them and sell them.
When Daddy found out
how much money he was making,
he wanted a piece of the pie.
But Cor got greedy and said no.

CARRIE
How did he find out?

DINA
Bank statements.
Stupid fucking Canuck
put the money in the BANK.
I swiped ‘em as evidence.

CARRIE
So that’s what Bigfoot was looking for --
(beat)
But how could he try to muscle in
if Cor was the owner of the club?

DINA
Cor’s NOT the owner.
My father was.
Cor’s just the front.
'The Hearing Aid Guru To The Stars'
didn’t want his good name
involved in a STRIP CLUB --

CARRIE
So Cor killed him.

DINA
Sure looks that way --

CARRIE
And tried to frame you.

DINA
Yeah. He had me in
one of those dungeons
the whole time.
Then they moved me
to that horrible motel.

CARRIE
So they could use you
as bait to get ME --

DINA
Right.
They couldn’t abduct you
at the club.

CARRIE
(nods)
Anything else?

DINA
Yeah.
I overheard something about
abducting a cop
that was snooping around.
Is that the guy
you called, Bernie?

CARRIE
Yeah.
(beat)
SHIT.

Carrie HITS THE GAS,
and starts TEARING ASS
down the street.

DINA
Hey.
What about the handcuffs?

CARRIE
When we get there.

DINA
Get where?
The club?

CARRIE
Yeah.
I’m gonna need your help.

DINA
You mean I gotta go BACK THERE?

CARRIE
Gotta better way
to prove your innocence?

DINA
Shut up and drive.

They Check In, But They Don't Check Out

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of LEGS, homicide dick Bernie Keko gets abducted by French-Candian white slave trafficker Cor Cirac. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love goes mano a mano with deadly stripper Jonna James ...


INT. THE CHEETAH CLUB - BASEMENT STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
Dark. Filled with supplies. Cleaning shit.
The usual basement crap.

Bernie sits in a wooden chair.
Still out like a light.

Ridley ties his ankles and wrists to a chair.
Cor stands in the doorway. Watching.

COR
Make sure it’s good and tight.

RIDLEY
So what are we gonna do with him?

COR
I dunno.
I’ve never dealt with this kind of --
merchandise before.

RIDLEY
I’ve got some ideas --

COR
We’ll worry about that later.
Hurry up. You need to get ready
to receive Jonna’s package.

He’s finished. Stands up.
Smiles at Cor. Nods.

RIDLEY
For when it absolutely, positively
has to be there --

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A shower curtain is spread on the floor.
Dina lies on it, scared shitless.
Tied up like a pot roast.

Jonna starts rolling her up
like some kind of ungodly burrito.

IN THE OPPOSITE CORNER
Carrie lies on the bed, out cold.
Wrists tied behind her.

JONNA
Finishes. Picks Dina up.
Carries her toward the door.

Opens it.
Walks outside --

EXT. SHITTY MOTEL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Jonna looks around.
Makes sure the coast is clear.

Heads over to her car.
Puts Dina down on the gravel.
Opens the trunk.

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Carrie’s eyes open.
She looks around. No one. Huh.

She sees the open closet door. Realizes.
She slides onto her back.

Raises her legs,
and slowly, like a snake,
starts to work her wrists
forward across her ass,
then up her legs.
Slowly. Painfully.

IN THE PARKING LOT
Jonna picks up Dina.
Puts her in the trunk.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie’s almost there.
Suddenly her stomach muscles CRAMP.

CARRIE
Ow --

IN THE PARKING LOT
Dina SLAMS the trunk. Nods.
Exhausted. Starts heading back.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie hears the trunk slam.
Starts to panic.

Closes her eyes.
Fights through the pain.

Wrists now half-way across
the balls of her feet.
Almost there --

She hears Jonna’s high heels
CLICK-CLICK-CLICKING outside.

OUTSIDE THE MOTEL ROOM
A GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER (40’s)
appears out of nowhere.

Gets in Jonna’s face.
Hefting a six-pack of cheap beer.

GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER
Well, hello there, lil’ lady.
Wanna party?

JONNA
In your dreams --

She tries to get by him,
but he blocks her way.

GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER
Aw, c’mon. You smell so nice --

JONNA
Beat it, Billy Bob.
Get THE FUCK out of my face.
You smell like ASS.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie hears this. Grunts.
Uses all her might. Pushing --

And her hands FLY OVER her feet.
She DID IT. She rolls over.

Gets off the bed. Stands.
Scans the room for a weapon.

OUTSIDE THE MOTEL ROOM
Giant Redneck GRABS Jonna by the hair.
Pulls her head back.

GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER
I think you owe me an APOLOGY.
That was awfully RUDE.

Jonna KNEES Giant in the crotch.
He REELS BACK in pain.

DROPS the six-pack, CRASH.
Bottles SMASH.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
GAAA --

JONNA
Take THAT, motherfucker.
Now go fuck your SISTER.

She steps around him,
goes to her door, opens it.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie stands next to the doorway,
holding a lamp awkwardly
in her tied hands.

Jonna walks in.
Carrie SMASHES IT on her head. CRACK.
The bulb POPS.
Jonna reels back. HITS the floor.

Carrie pulls a foot back to kick her,
but Jonna GRABS the other ankle
and YANKS on it.

Carrie FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
Jonna GRABS her by the throat.
Starts SQUEEZING.

Carrie SHOOTS UP her tied hands.
CLIPS her under the chin. HARD.

Jonna’s head JERKS BACK.
She lets go of Carrie’s throat.

Shakes her head.
Tries to get her bearings --

As Carrie LEAPS UP --
and CHARGES HER --
PUSHING HER across the room --
and right INTO THE WINDOW.

She FLIES THROUGH THE GLASS
as it SPRAYS out into the night.

Carrie looks at the broken window. Sneers.

CARRIE
They check in,
but they don’t check out.

She walks over. Looks. Sees --

OUTSIDE THE ROOM
Jonna. Lying in a pool
of blood and broken glass.

THE MOTEL MANAGER
Stands near the body.
In shock. Horrified.

Carrie appears next to him.
Tied wrists in front of her.

FREAKED OUT MOTEL MANAGER
What the fuck DID YOU DO?
I’m calling the FUCKING COPS.

CARRIE
I think that would be a good idea.

FREAKED OUT MOTEL MANAGER
Huh?

CARRIE
I’m a private detective, working a case.

She raises her wrists in explanation.

FREAKED OUT MOTEL MANAGER
You did that -- tied up like that?

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
A hint of a smile.

CARRIE
You should see me wrestle --

Like A Bull On Steroids

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of LEGS, undercover at the strip club, homicide detective Bernie Keko gets a deadly lap dance. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love visits stripper Jonna James joint, and gets pole dance in the head ...


INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Jonna sits on the threadbare bed.
PUNCHES another number on her cell.
Listens.

JONNA
C’mon, pick up, pick up --
(listens)
Cor, it’s me --
(listens)
Yeah. She’s on her way --
(listens)
It’s time. Reel ‘em in.
(listens)
Don’t HURT him.
He’s a COP.
We’ll figure out what
to do with him later --
(listens)
That’s a good boy. Later.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Smiles. Evil.

Walks over to the closet.
Opens it, revealing --

DINA (20’s). Tied and gagged.
Bright eyes blinking madly.

Small and lithe, very pretty.
And right now, scared shitless.

JONNA (CONT’D)
How’s my little heiress doing?
Ready for your mystery date?

Dina THRASHES against her restraints.
A muffled SCREAM from behind the duct tape.

JONNA (CONT’D)
Keep that up and the neighbors
will think we’re on our honeymoon --

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - VIP ROOM - NIGHT
Gorgeous Asian Stripper continues to work on Bernie,
now in the throws of ecstasy.

She writhes.
WHIPS her hair around.

Leans over.
Works her knee on his crotch.

He closes his eyes.
COMES like a bull on steroids.

BERNIE
G-YAHHHHHH --

His body SPASMS. JERKS.
Then goes limp.

Gorgeous Asian smiles.
Turns. Sees something.
Then dashes off.

Bernie opens his eyes.
Sees her leave. Quizzical.

BERNIE (CONT’D)
Was it something I said?

Cor steps into the room.
Silky smile.

COR
I trust everything was satisfactory?

BERNIE
Uh, yeah --

A GIANT BEARDED THUG appears.
Holding a semiautomatic weapon.

A dead ringer for the dude
that was trashing Dina’s joint.

BERNIE (CONT’D)
Who the fuck are YOU?

COR
This is Ridley.
He’s very upset about
what you did to his brother.

RIDLEY
(walks toward him)
I’m very upset.

BERNIE
HEY.

Bernie goes for his piece,
but Bearded is faster.

He PISTOL-WHIPS him on the head, CRACK.
He hits the floor, THWUMP.

RIDLEY
And he’s a COP?

COR
(looks at him)
Well, he DID just come in his pants.

EXT. THE SAFARI MOTEL - NIGHT
A touristy-tacky dump in the cheap seats
on Hollywood Boulevard.
A sign in the window proclaims FREE HBO.

Carrie stands in front of room twelve.
Softly KNOCK-KNOCKS. No answer.

Knock-knocks again.
She tries the knob.
It’s unlocked.

She opens the door.
Peers in.

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Carrie walks in. Looks around.

CARRIE
Hello?

JONNA LEAPS OUT from behind the door.
SWINGS a steel pipe.

CRACKS Carrie on the head, THUNK.
She blinks. Weaves.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Hey, that really --

And hits the floor, THWUMP.

JONNA
Hurt? No SHIT, detective.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I felt a crack on my head.
Then I saw stars.
But they were pretty stars,
almost comforting.
I decided I wanted to stay there
awhile and get some rest.
And I fell down, down, down
into a black hole, swimming, under water,
the current pulling me
into a whirlpool of darkness --
(beat)
Until I was gone.

Mail Order Slut

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love gets a call from stripper Jonna James telling her she found missing heiress Dina Daerr, who's holed up in a cheap motel room on Hollywood Boulevard. Carrie then calls homicide dick Bernie Keko at the strip club to give him the news, interrupting his lap dance ...


INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Music softly THUMP-THUMP-THUMPS from above.

Dark and shitty.
Like something out of SAW.

Cor walks down a dimly lit corridor
carrying a paper bag.
Gets to the end.

We see a big, steel windowless door,
like to a jail cell.

He pulls his keys out.
Opens it.

INSIDE
We see a padded, sound-proof cell.
Lying on the floor is a RUSSIAN GIRL (17).

She stares at him blankly.
Drugged to the gills.

Cor opens the bag.
Tosses her a wrapped SANDWICH.

COR
Time for a midnight snack, my lovely.
Your new husband will be here later,
and we don’t want your blood-sugar level
to get too low.

Underaged stares at the sandwich blankly.

COR
Eat, eat, eat. I made it myself.
Chicken salad. It’s good for you.
Now be good little mail order slave and EAT.
I’ll be back to tuck you in later. NOT.

He shuts the door.
Locks it. Sighs happily.

COR
I’m finally going to be able to do
the remodel on the KITCHEN --

EXT./INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie’s behind the wheel.
The wind whipping her hair.

We see tears streaked on her face.
She lights a smoke.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.
Between trying to solve this case,
dealing with the family bullshit,
and falling head over heels with a porn star,
I was caught between a rock and a bad TV movie.
(beat)
What would Mike Hammer do?

The car stops at a light.
Carrie leans over.

Opens the glove compartment.
Pulls out a flask. Takes a hit.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Neccesity us the nither if unebriation --

Her cell phone RINGS.
She answers it.

CARRIE
This is Carrie --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A crusty dive of a joint on the
wrong end of Hollywood Boulevard.

Jonna talks on her cell,
paces back and forth.

JONNA
Carrie, it’s me.

CARRIE
What’s up?
I thought you were gonna crash,
get some rest.

JONNA
DINA called me --

CARRIE
What the FUCK?
Where is she?

JONNA
At a motel. I just got here.
She called me all freaked out,
didn’t know where to go,
found out the cops
were looking for her.
Can you come over?
We’re at the Safari,
on Hollywood Boulevard, room twelve --

CARRIE
I’m on my way.

JONNA
Have you found any leads yet?

CARRIE
Bernie’s over at the Cheetah snooping around.
I’ll call and tell him the news.

JONNA
Super. See you soon. And hurry.

CARRIE
I’ll be there faster than
Roman Polanski at a slumber party.

She punches END.
Speed-dials another number.

CARRIE
(into the phone)
Bernie. It’s Legs. Pick up.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - VIP ROOM - NIGHT
A gaudy, over-done private room in the back.
Some weird, shitty Top-Forty song
blares on a boom box.

Bernie’s getting a VERY intimate lap dance
from a GORGEOUS ASIAN STRIPPER.

His phone RING-RINGS in his pocket.
He looks at it, eyes almost closed.
His face a rictus of ecstasy.

BERNIE
Shit --

RING-RING.
He puts his hand up.
Gently pushes the girl away.

BERNIE
I gotta get that. Hold on.
(pulls it out)
Sorry --
(into the phone)
Yeah?

CARRIE
It’s me. We’ve got Dina.

BERNIE
Really? Where?

CARRIE
She called Jonna.
She’s at a motel.
I’m on my way there now.
Did you find anything?

Bernie looks at the room, the girl.
Embarrassed.

BERNIE
Uh, not yet --

CARRIE
You were getting a lap dance,
weren’t you?

BERNIE
A lap dance?
Are you fucking KIDDING? No way.

CARRIE
Nice try, Bernie.
I can practically smell
the cheap perfume over the phone.
Did you at least scope out the owner?

BERNIE
Of course I did. Nice guy.
Bit of a fag, but he comped me for the night,
so I thought I’d hang out and scope out the action.
It’s late, and I figured we’d continue tomorrow --

CARRIE
Alright, alright. Just stay put.
I’ll call you after I talk to the devil doll.

BERNIE
Works for me --

CARRIE
Just try to keep it in your pants, okay?

BERNIE
Of course.

CARRIE
As if --

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Shakes her head.

CARRIE
So many men.
So few bullets in a gun --

From Dusk Till Dungeon

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of LEGS, homicide dick Bernie Keko goes 'undercover' at the Cheetah Lounge strip club searching for clues to Dina Daerr's disappearance. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love shows up Club Fuck to rendezvous with porn star Laura Lang ...


INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - NIGHT
Some glam-metal snap-crackle-CRUNCH over --

A GLOSSY BLONDE STRIPPER (20’s)
whirls around a pole onstage.

Descending like a silicone spider.
She HITS the stage.
Does a SPLIT.

The crowd ROARS.
Money goes FLYING.

Bernie’s at the bar watching.
The CREEPY BARTENDER appears.

CREEPY BARTENDER
What can I get you -- officer.

Bernie turns his head. Startled.
Pissed. Looks at his watch.

BERNIE
You got Maker’s Mark?

CREEPY BARTENDER
(nods)
Classy --

BERNIE
A triple, on the rocks. Please.

He turns around.
Starts making the drink.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
I hope nothing is -- wrong.
We made our payment this month.

Bernie turns, sees --

COR CIRAC
Seated on the stool next to him.

Smiling. Sipping a drink.
Devouring him with twinkling eyes.

BERNIE
Payment?
(realizes)
Oh, no -- I’m not --

COR
Thank heavens.

Creepy serves Bernie his drink.
He pulls out his wallet.

COR
Put that away.
Your money is no good here.

BERNIE
Thanks.

COR
I myself am big fan of law enforcement.
Are you here for business or pleasure?

BERNIE
(sips his drink)
Business.
One of your former employees
is wanted for questioning in connection
with a homicide earlier tonight.

COR
Oh, dear. Which employee?

BERNIE
Dina Daerr.

COR
Ah, yes. Sweet girl --
(sighs)
Quit on me with no notice.
But then, in this business --

BERNIE
Well, she’s disappeared.
We’ve talked to her roommate,
who has no idea where she went.
Do you know where she’s from?
Where her family is?

COR
I’m sorry. I wish I did,
but the girls come and go so quickly --
(beat)
I wish I could help you.
(beat)
Tell you what.
You must be going off-duty soon.
Stay awhile, as my guest.
On the house. Enjoy yourself. Please.

BERNIE
Don’t mind if I do.

COR
Splendid.
(gets up)
Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got something I need to take care of.

BERNIE
Okay. Thanks again --

Cor bows.
Then glides off into the darkness.

OILY DJ (O.C.)
Ladies and gentlemen,
The Cheetah Lounge is pleased to present,
all the way from Las Vegas, the incredible,
edible star of over five-hundred adult films --
please give it up for CHERRY NATION.

PUSH IN ON Bernie.
Sips his drink.
Eyes glued to the stage.

BERNIE
Wonder if I can get overtime for this --

INT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
Some naughty, sleazy go-go groove over --

A seedy, cozy, dark, dank den of depravity.
Monitors and screens show porn loops.
Cartoons. Psychedelic images.

Carrie sits at the bar surrounded
by a motley crew of male, female and
everything in between CLUB KIDS.
Nursing a drink.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I felt like Dorothy at the Texas Chainsaw Club
off to see the Wizard of Jizz.
Roger Corman, eat your heart out.
From Dusk Till Dungeon --
(takes a sip)
What the fuck was I doing here?
I should be mourning my father’s death,
but instead, here I am, trying to get laid --
(beat)
Story of my life.

Suddenly BRIGHT LIGHTS COME ON.
People at the bar cower like bats set to STUN.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
That’s it, people. Show’s over.
Time to take it somewhere else.
Thanks for COMING.

Carrie gets off her stool.
Looks at a GOTH COUPLE making out next to her.
Pin-Head shoving his forked tongue
down the throat of the Bride of Frankenstein.

CARRIE
Kids these days --

EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
It’s over. Party kids spill onto the sidewalk.

Carrie weaves out the door.
Fumbles in her purse, pulls out a smoke.

LAURA
There you are.

CARRIE
Oh, hi.
(beat)
I never -- found you in there.

LAURA
That’s a shame.
I had my top off for an hour --
before I got busted.

CARRIE
Security?

LAURA
No. My date. He finally found me.

CARRIE
Where’s he now?

LAURA
I finally lost him.

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
So --

LAURA
So?

CARRIE
So -- can I get -- your phone number?

LAURA
(writes on Carrie’s hand)
Don’t wash it off, now.
(doesn’t let go)
You’ll regret it.

CARRIE
Thanks.

LAURA
Call me.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
So -- I guess, um --

Pause.

LAURA
Well, aren’t you gonna kiss me?

CARRIE
Uh -- yeah.

They kiss. Soft. Tender.
No one else in the world.

APPLAUSE.
They break apart.

A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS
Cheer. Carrie looks down. Embarrassed.

LAURA
You better go home, detective,
and get some rest.
(beat)
I got plans for you.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Suddenly sober.

CARRIE
(whispers)
Plans -- for me?

Born-Again Christian Fuck

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and her ex, detective Bernie Kekg get the scoop on the whereabouts of the strip club from stripper Jonna James. Moments later, Carrie has to referee an explosive family fight over her father's funeral arrangements ...


EXT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - NIGHT
Carrie sits behind the wheel.
Jonna sits beside her in the passenger seat.
Bernie leans in the window.

BERNIE
I’m gonna go scope out the strip club.
Take her to a motel,
go deal with your family shit,
and then get some rest.
We’ll talk in the morning.
I’ll run Grizzly Adams on the system,
see what we come up with.

CARRIE
The name is French Canadian.
So is the club owner, Cor Cirac.
I have a hunch he’s involved in this.

JONNA
(leans over, to Bernie)
He might not be there.
Some nights he goes out.

CARRIE
Where does he go?

JONNA
He likes to cruise Boy’s Town.

CARRIE
THAT’S why he was so bitchy with me --

BERNIE
So he’s a fudge-packer.
(off her look)
You know, a bone smuggler.

CARRIE
BERNIE.

BERNIE
Simmer down. Go.
I’ve got everything under control.

Carrie sighs.
Starts up the car.
Looks at him.

CARRIE
That’s what I’m afraid of --

INT. MARGO’S ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The roaring flames CRACKLE
over logs in the fireplace.
Homey. Cozy. Picture-perfect.

If it weren’t for the dysfunctional
domestic disaster now brewing.
ORDINARY PEOPLE, anyone?

Todd sit in a big wing chair
gripping a can of Diet Coke
as if his life depended on it.

TODD
But he was my FATHER.
You were only married
to him FIVE YEARS.
We’re BLOOD. FAMILY.

Sitting across from him
on the couch is EVA LOVE (40),
Carrie’s father’s second wife.

Blonde. Blue-eyed. Aryan. Curvy. No-nonsense.
A bit formal in a designer suit.

EVA
(hint of a German accent)
You have no right to
talk to me in that tone, young man.
As far as you’re concerned,
I’m family, TOO.
Your father loved me VERY MUCH.
I have EVERY RIGHT to be in on this.

Carrie stands over at the bar fixing a cocktail.
She pours scotch in a cut-glass tumbler.

Adds ice from a bucket with silver tongs.
Swirls the nectar. Takes a sip.

CARRIE
So why don’t you arrange
the ceremony together?
Can’t we all just get along?

TODD
We can’t do that because
Eva wants to have him CREMATED --

EVA
(nods, to Carrie)
It was his final wish.
He had just bought the yacht,
and he fell in love with the sea.
He wanted his ashes scattered into the ocean.
And then a small memorial service.

TODD
But his WILL says
he wants a standard burial.

EVA
He was changing the will, Todd.
You can check with his attorney.

Carrie walks toward them.
Stands in front of the fireplace.

CARRIE
What we’ve got here
is a failure to communicate.

TODD
State the obvious much?

NATE (O.C.)
Cool Hand Luke, right?

Nate stands in the doorway
holding a bottle of beer.

Smiles grimly at Carrie.
She gives him a wink.

TODD
What the hell?

EVA
Oh. I LOVE Paul Newman --

CARRIE
They showed that in Germany?

EVA
Oh, yes. We saw all his movies.
I saw Butch Cassidy
a dozen times as a young girl.
(sighs)
I would get lost in his blue eyes.

TODD
Enough movie talk, okay?
We’ve got to settle this, now.

CARRIE
Put a sock in it, Todd.
What’s the fucking rush?

TODD
Because I SAY SO --

CARRIE
And what gives YOU the right
to tell us what to do?

TODD
Because I’ve been living the straight and narrow
while YOU’VE been living the life of a SINNER --
drinking and driving, corrupting a MINOR,
and who knows what else --

CARRIE
Well, at least I’m not a
self-righteous, judgemental,
born-again Christian FUCK
with a STICK UP HIS ASS.

Todd JUMPS UP.
Turns beet-red.
Clenches his fists.

TODD
WHAT did you say?

CARRIE
(sings)
Jesus died for somebody’s sins,
but not mine --

Todd ROARS with anger.
CHARGES at Carrie.

She steps to the side.
Puts out her foot. TRIPS him.

He CRASHES into the wall, THUMP.
WHIRLS around.

TODD
MOM --

MARGO (O.C.)
What’s going ON down there?

Margo appears on the stairway
in her robe. Small and frail.

MARGO
I heard shouting and banging.

TODD
It’s Carrie, Mom.
She ASSAULTED ME.

CARRIE
I assaulted YOU?
You CHARGED at me like
Bill O’Reilly on STEROIDS --
(beat)
I’m SORRY if I was abusive
to you when we were kids.
Dad was abusive to ME,
and I took it out on you.
But that was a LONG TIME AGO --
(beat)
And now he’s DEAD,
and you’re acting just like HE DID.
I can’t fucking TAKE IT --

She SCREAMS.
THROWS her drink into the fireplace -- CRASH.

She FALLS onto her knees and starts SOBBING.
The dam finally BURSTING.

Head in her hands.
Tears. Snot. The works.

Nate races over.
Comforts her.

Margo stares at Eva.
Closes her eyes. Turns.

Grips the handrail.
Shuffles back upstairs.

EVA
If your father could see this,
he’d be ashamed.

PUSH IN ON Todd’s face.
Looking down.

The Gift That Keeps Killing

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love, homicide dick Bernie Keko and stripper Jonna James arrive at the apartment where Carrie's clients missing daughter is hiding, and get a most violent surprise ...


EXT. SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
One of those pre-war jobs common in Hollywood.
Up on stilts. Parking below.

But hey, it has a pool.
'The Starlet,' indeed.

Carrie’s Porsche convertible pulls up and parks.

INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - NIGHT
Carrie shuts off the engine.
Looks in the rearview.

JONNA
So how we gonna do this?

CARRIE
Very carefully.
(off her look)
I’m a new friend of yours.
If she knows who I really am,
she’ll clam up. Got it?

JONNA
Okay. Where did we meet?
We need a cover story, right?

CARRIE
We met at the Cheetah --
(meaningfully)
And we’re going to your place.

JONNA
Oh. OH.
(beat)
I can do that.
I’ve -- been with girls.

CARRIE
Don’t worry.
It’s just a ruse.

Jonna stares at her appraisingly.
Faint smile.

JONNA
It doesn’t necessarily have to be.

A soft KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK on the window.
It’s BERNIE. Carrie nods. Opens the door.
Gets out. Jonna piles out. Joins them.

CARRIE
The two of us will go up.
You stay here and back us up.

BERNIE
No way. I’m coming with you.

CARRIE
Bernie, if you come, it’ll spook her.
(nods at Jonna)
We’re gonna pretend to be hooked up,
so she won’t suspect why I’m there.

BERNIE
(looks at Jonna, nods)
Good idea.
But I should be closer,
like right behind you.

CARRIE
You’re not gonna budge on this, are you?

BERNIE
Cops don’t have to budge.

JONNA
(looks at Bernie, then Carrie)
You two used to be together.

CARRIE
(off Bernie’s look)
She was a pysch major --

EXT. THE STARLET - SECOND FLOOR CORRIDOR - NIGHT
An open walkway with a row of apartment doors on the wall.
Jonna leads Carrie down to the end.

Jiggles her keys in the door to her apartment.
Bernie watches from a few feet away.

JONNA
The lock sticks.
Hold on a sec --

The door CLICKS open.
Jonna opens the door. Looks in.

JONNA
Holy SHIT.

CARRIE
What?

Carrie brushes her aside, walks into --

INT. JONNA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Small and cluttered, and right now COMPLETELY TRASHED.
Tables overturned. Pictures RIPPED. Furniture SLASHED OPEN.

Carrie pulls out her pistol.
Whispers over her shoulder to Jonna.

CARRIE
Go get Bernie.

Jonna nods. Hustles out.
Then a loud CRASH from down the hallway.
Carrie tiptoes toward it.

INT. JONNA’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Carrie moves quietly in the darkness.
Pointing her gun with both hands.

She reaches a doorway.
Light spilling out.
We hear the sound of fabric being RIPPED.

She takes a deep breath,
then WHIRLS into the doorway --

INT. DINA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Tiny. Cute and girly, and now also completely TRASHED.

A LARGE, BEARDED GOON (30’s) holds up the mattress,
which he’s right now GUTTING with a HUGE KNIFE.
Carrie LEAPS into the doorway. Gun aimed.

CARRIE
Drop the knife or I SHOOT.

Bearded turns his head. Sees Carrie.
WHIRLS the mattress around so it’s between them.

LARGE, BEARDED GOON
Fuck you, BITCH.

And he CHARGES at her.
SHOVING the mattress toward her.

Carrie KICKS it,
stopping Bearded in his tracks.

He ROARS like an animal.
FLINGS it to the side.

It hits the mirrored wall with a CRASH.
Glass goes FLYING.

Bearded JUMPS at Carrie.
GRABS her around the throat
with big, meaty paws.

She PISTOL-WHIPS him on the head.
But it’s like a flea-bite on an elephant.

He squeezes HARDER.
Carrie’s face starts turning red.

With all her strength,
she POUNDS on his back, but it’s no use.

A large BANG.
His head EXPLODES like a watermelon.

Blood, skull and brains go FLYING.
Carrie rolls out from under him.

BERNIE
Stands in the doorway.
Puts his giant 44 Magnum back in his holster.
Smiles grimly.

BERNIE
Dum-dum hollow-points.
The gift that keeps killing.

Carrie grabs a towel hanging on a chair.
Wipes her face.

Shakes her head.
Stares at him with disgust.

CARRIE
Thanks for saving my life,
but now we can’t question him, can we?

BERNIE
You always have to nitpick --

Oedipus Wrecks

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love meets her ex, homicide detective Bernie Keko at the scene of her client's murder ...


EXT. DICK’S MANSION - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
Carrie and Bernie stand near the front door
watching the parade of COPS and
CRIME SCENE TECHS going in and out.

BERNIE
You can go in
after they’re done, Legs. Okay?
I shouldn’t even let you do THAT,
but he WAS your client.

Dick’s body is wheeled out on a gurney,
zipped up in a bag.

CARRIE
(watches it go by)
He gave me a retainer.
Is it ethical to cash the check?

BERNIE
Why not?
He’s not gonna say anything --
(nods at her car)
Isn’t this a strange place
to bring a date?

CARRIE
She’s a LEAD, Bernie.
Dina’s roommate.
I was at the strip club interviewing her
when I got a voicemail message from Daerr,
said it was something urgent.
Then I got YOU on the line --

BERNIE
Right, right.

CARRIE
So tell me about the body --

BERNIE
His throat was cut.
No sign of forced entry,
looks like he knew the perp.
Killer’s left-handed.
Short, about five-two, five-three.
That’s all we’ll know until
forensics gets back to us.

Jonna appears on the porch.
miles weakly.

JONNA
I’m sorry to interrupt,
but is it okay if I use
the little girl’s room?
I gotta go.

BERNIE
Yeah, sure.
Bathroom’s on the left.
Just don’t touch anything.

CARRIE
(to Jonna)
Hey.
Is Dina left-handed?

JONNA
Yeah. Why?

CARRIE
How tall is she?

JONNA
About five-two.
What’s this about?

CARRIE
You know the story of Oedipus?

JONNA
No. Who’s that?

BERNIE
(to Carrie)
I’ll follow you guys in my car.

JONNA
What’s going on?

CARRIE
Hurry up and go pee.
I’ll fill you in on the way.

She nods. Races inside.
Bernie gives Carrie the fish-eye.

BERNIE
Hey.
Are you okay?
You look like someone died.
(beat)
I mean -- a good guy.

CARRIE
My father, Bernie -- he --

BERNIE
Your FATHER DIED?

She stares at him.
Haunted. Lost.

CARRIE
(softly)
Heart attack --

Bernie pulls a flask out of his pocket.
Hands it to her.

She takes it. Grateful.
Takes a long pull.
Wipes her mouth.

CARRIE
And here I am.

BERNIE
Once a cop,
always a cop, huh?

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Haunted. Numb.

CARRIE
Blessing and a curse, Bernie.
(beat)
Blessing and a curse --

The Family That Plays Together

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of LEGS, the plot thickens when private eye Carrie Love's client Bruce Ball, the 'Hearing Aid Guru To The Stars' is found butchered in his home office. Meanwhile, her mother Margo and stepmother Eva are having a vicious fight over who gets to plan her father's funeral ...


INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BAR - NIGHT
Carrie sits at the far end of the back bar
away from the madness.

Pulls out her cell phone.
Checks her messages.

CARRIE
He called already?
(pushes buttons, listens)
Dick, it’s Carrie Love.
We have to talk --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DICK’S MANSION - STUDY - NIGHT
The porn shoot’s long gone.
But not Dick.

He’s at his desk with his throat cut.
Drenched in blood.

A swarm of CRIME SCENE TECHNICIANS
and COPS work the room.

And Bernie’s there.
Talking on Dick’s cell phone.

BERNIE
That makes two of us, Legs.

CARRIE
Bernie?
What are you doing
with Dick’s phone?

BERNIE
Not much.
Just standing here
looking at his dead body.

CARRIE
WHAT?

BERNIE
When I heard on the dispatch
that he was killed,
I raced right over.
He’s the guy who hired you, right?

CARRIE
Uh, yeah --

BERNIE
I pulled his daughter’s rap sheet,
but I didn’t find much.
But it’s too big of a coincidence
that he gets killed
the same day he hires you.

CARRIE
No shit.
(beat)
I talked to her roommate.
She told me he was blackmailing her
with sex tapes of
the two of them together --

BERNIE
Smells like a motive to me --

CARRIE
I dunno.
Why would he hire me to find someone
he was trying to blackmail?
It doesn’t add up.
I’m gonna go check out the apartment --
but first I’m coming over.

BERNIE
NO.
I need you to stay where you are
and check out the club --

CARRIE
No can do, Bernie.
My client was KILLED.
I wanna see the crime scene.
See you soon.

She SNAPS the phone shut.

BERNIE
Carrie, NO --
(listens)
Legs? You there?
(SNAPS the phone shut)
SHIT.

Jonna slides onto the seat
next to Carrie.
Now in her civvies.

Sprayed-on jeans and --
the gauzy baby doll.

JONNA
Ready to split, detective?

CARRIE
Yeah.
But we gotta make a stop first.

JONNA
Where?

CARRIE
Her father’s joint.

JONNA
(alarmed)
Why?

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
CRUNCHING an ice cube.

CARRIE
Daddy’s dead.

INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie sits behind the wheel, driving.
Jonna rides shotgun.

Carrie’s cell phone RINGS.
She answers it.

CARRIE
This is Carrie --
(listens)
Oh, SHIT. Really?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MARGO’S ESTATE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A culinary orgy of chrome and steel.
A Sharper Image wet dream.

Nate leans against the ‘gourmet island’
eating a snack while on the phone.

NATE
Yeah.
So mom is hiding upstairs
while Eva and Todd duke it out.
Could you come over
and play Switzerland?

CARRIE
I’m sorry, Nate --
but my client was just murdered,
and I’m on my way to the crime scene --

NATE
Oh, wow.
I’m sorry --

CARRIE
Yeah. So’s he.
Tell you what.
I’ve got one last stop
to make after this one,
and then I’ll swing by, okay?

NATE
Okay, thanks.
(beat)
Sorry to bother you.

CARRIE
Hey.
You’re my brother.
You NEVER bother me.
Got it?

NATE
Got it.

CARRIE
I’ll see you later. Bye.

She CLICKS the phone shut. Sighs.

JONNA
Family problems?

CARRIE
That obvious?

JONNA
Wanna tell me about it?
Sometimes sharing with a
complete stranger can be
oddly comforting.
(off Carrie’s look)
I was a pysch major in college.
I’m not a COMPLETE bimbo --

CARRIE
My father died today.
That was one of my younger brothers.
The other one is trying to control
the funeral arrangements,
and my father’s second wife
has just invaded my mother’s house
because SHE wants to take care of it.
(weak smile)
The family that plays together --

JONNA
Holy SHIT.
Your FATHER died? Today?
(off Carrie’s nod)
Then why are you working?

The car stops at a light.
Carrie turns.

Looks at Jonna.
A tear slides down her cheek.

CARRIE
It’s the only thing that’s keeping me
from having a complete meltdown --