My So-Called Fuck

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, divorced homicide cops Carrie Love and Bernie Keko examine evidence left behind at a murder scene in the form of an audiotape recorded by the killer ...


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - LIPSHITZ’S OFFICE - DAY
Carrie and Bernie sit
across from Larry at this desk.
They examine a stack of photos.

CARRIE
That’s a lot of catgut.
It’s as if the killer wanted
her to look like a doll.
What kind of sick fuck
does this to a ten-year-old?

KEKO
A perverted, pyscho-sexual
sick fuck, that’s who.
I studied this at the academy --
this kinda guy gets off on --

CARRIE
What makes you so sure it’s a guy?
(shoves photo in his face)
It’s obvious that this
is the work of a female.
Look at that stitching.

LIPSHITZ
(shouts)
Can it, you two -- people are dead!
This is the most horrific
crime wave in our city’s history --
these ‘reimaginations’ of
famous film fatalities
are the shame of our modern age,
a blight on our collective consciousness --
which we have to put to an end.
We must find this madman.
(beat)
Or madwoman.

CARRIE
Nice speech, Lare -- you
thinking of running for office?

LIPSHITZ
There was an audiocassette
left at the scene. Listen up.

He reaches around, punches
a button on his boom box.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Ah-hem. Testing, testing.
Is this on?
(giggles)
Okay.
(beat)
‘Silence of the Lambs’
grossed 130 million in 1991,
and swept the Oscars.
Pretty good for a suspense-horror
flick about a cannibal, don’tcha think?
Buh-bye, Ghandi.
Not my underwear, Rain Main.
See ya later, Gladiator.
(beat)
Since this puppies’
been sequeled to death,
this stunning tableau is
from my original fan fiction.
So I posit this query to you,
my beloved audience -- what if
my man Hannibal had a little sister?
I call this installation ‘Hannah Lecter.
My so-called fuck.’
(beat)
For investor relations, a press kit,
or other inquiries,
please contact my manager,
Bruce Ball at Miracle Pictures --
where if it’s a good film,
it’s a miracle.

Larry punches it off.
Looks at Carrie and Bernie.

CARRIE
I love it when I’m right.

KEKO
The woman’s voice.
I’ve heard it before.

CARRIE
Me, too. Recently.

They exchange looks.

KEKO
We’ve got Ilona analyzing the tape.
The background noise indicates that
it was recorded above a nightclub.

CARRIE
Well, that narrows it down.
(beat)
What if I told you Ball’s not involved?
That miss Movie Phone is acting alone?

KEKO
Now that’s a stretch -- some chick killed
two dozen people all by herself?

LIPSHITZ
Can it with the misogyny, Bernie.
I need you two to go pick up Balls.
It’s all we’ve got to go on.

CARRIE
Ball. His name is Ball.

LIPSHITZ
I knew that.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
Come one, former flame, let’s book.
We got a testicle to pick up.

KEKO
(motions)
Ladies first.

She regards him coolly.
Doesn’t move.

He shrugs, goes for the door.
Carrie follows.

LIPSHITZ
You’re just bringing
him in for questioning.
I don’t want any more
of your hijinks.

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Carrie and Bernie each
go to their cars,
parked side-by-side.

KEKO
We’ll take my car.

CARRIE
Sorry. Don’t do the
penis extension thing.
SUV-intolerant.

KEKO
You’re going to make this
as difficult as possible, huh.

CARRIE
Hey -- hijinks ensue.

The Crown

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we flash back to Sparkle Plenty's childhood in the trailer park as a beauty pageant contestant ... and mother's sex object ...

INT. SPARKLE’S TRAILER - FLASHBACK - DAY
Title card reads SIX YEARS EARLIER.

Dot yells at Roscoe,
waves a receipt in his face.

DOT
Seven-eighty?
For a pack of smokes?

ROSCOE
We were celebratin, I won the
Camelot super-buck scratch-off.
Jimmy said Dunhills were the best.
Said the Rock smokes ‘em.

DOT
The Rock! The Fucking Rock?!
You and your dumb-ass loser friends!
No wonder we’re fuckin’ broke!

She grabs a saucepan off the stove.
Greasy food splatters.

ROSCOE
Hey -- be careful with that.

DOT
Let fuckin’ Jimmy fix yer supper!

She flings the pan at him.
He ducks, runs away -- as it
hits the wall with a CLANG,
food spraying everywhere.

ROSCOE (O.S.)
Fucking crazy, psycho cunt!

Dot chases after him, into --

INT. TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
But Roscoe’s gone.
The front door swings
open in the breeze.

Dot holds her head, the
sudden movement causing a reaction.

DOT
Whoa, head rush.
(sits on the couch, calls out)
Sparkle? You dressed yet?
Mommy wants to see her
little beauty queen.

Sparkle (10) appears as if by magic.
Painted, tarted up.

Very Jon-Benet.
Holding a tiara.

SPARKLE
(softly)
I hate it when you guys fight.

DOT
Never mind that.
Put on the crown.
I wanna see how it looks
on my pretty little princess.

She does. Looks like
she’s about to cry.

DOT
(beaming)
Now that’s my little lady.
Come over here and
sit on Mommy’s lap.

As if in a trance,
the little girl does. Trembling.

DOT
(strokes her hair)
That’s my little lady.
My pretty little girlie.
(hand on her thigh)
You ready for
the pageant tomorrow?
You been practicing
yer baton twirlin’?
(off her terrified nod)
That’s a good girl.
Such a good girl.
(hand goes up her dress)
My little lady.
My pretty little doll --

Better Latte Then Never

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide cops Carrie Love and Bernie Keko go the Coffee Bean to get their caffeine fix, where they run into under-aged beauty pageant runaway Sparkle Plenty ...


INT. THE COFFEE BEAN CAFE - DAY
Sparkle stands behind the counter
in uniform getting training from
the MANAGER, a flaming queen.

SPARKLE
(brightly)
I’m the bastard, inbred offspring
of trailer trash from a town so poor,
Sunday dinner was the junkyard cat.
(beat)
Let me guess. I’d say you’re from --
the east coast. Massachusetts, Connecticut.
One of those Kennedy states.

MANAGER
That’s -- horrible.
You’re kidding me, right?

Her smile betrays nothing.
A phone rings in the back.

MANAGER (CONT’D)
I’m from Hyannisport, actually.
But how did you --

Ring. Ring. Ring --

SPARKLE
You better get that.
It could be Stephen Cannell’s
office with a big order.

MANAGER
(as he leaves)
Yeah -- uh, just help out
the customers. I’ll be right back.

SPARKLE
(low, to herself)
Go ahead.
Make my gran-day.

Carrie and Bernie walk in.

SPARKLE’S POV
They glow in a dreamy amber light,
glide in slow-motion.

SPARKLE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Well, fuck me bloody
and hang me on a cross --
they’re perfect.

CARRIE AND BERNIE - REAL TIME
come up to the counter.

KEKO
I think you set a record for
having your cover blown, doll-face.

CARRIE
Stuff it, Bernie, I’m not in the mood.
Larry put me on this case,
so just back off, boogalo.
(beat)
The little twerp owned the building
where we found that dead, tortured
yoga teacher in the basement dungeon.
I tailed the fucker for
a week, but he was clean.
I coulda sworn he never saw me.
(to Sparkle)
I’ll have a grande mochachino
with a triple bullshot, please.

Sparkle nods, writes it down.

KEKO
(to Carrie)
Drink much caffeine?

CARRIE
Mind your own fucking business. Order.

SPARKLE
(to Bernie)
Yes, officer -- what can I get you?

KEKO
Officer? How did you know I was --

SPARKLE
That haircut? Those shoes?
This is the Sunset Strip, mister.
Where’d you buy that suit?
Ross Dress for Less?
(beat)
Wait a minute, let me guess.
Coffee. Black. Four sugars.
(beat)
Don’t worry, this is a
donut joke-free zone.

She smiles strangely,
goes to the coffee machine.

KEKO
Uh -- no, wait --
(looks at menu above)
I’ll have a -- decaf iced
latte, little lady.

Sparkle reacts like she’s been stabbed.

CARRIE
Ooh. Macho.

KEKO
Shut up. It’s hot out,
I want something cool.
(to Sparkle)
And I’m buying. How much?

SPARKLE
(mumbles to herself)
I’m not your little lady.

KEKO
I’m sorry?

SPARKLE
I said -- that’ll be seven-eighty.

Police Issue

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged beauty pageant queen Sparkle Plenty shops for sex toys and gets propositioned by adult film director Bruce Ball. Meanwhile, undercover cop Carrie Love gets busted on a porn film set ...


INT. THE PLEASURE CHEST - EARLIER THAT DAY
Sparkle looks at a boxed
strap-on harness. Makes a face.

Continues down the aisle,
until she sees --

CHROME HANDCUFFS. 'Police issue.'

She smiles, reaches for them.
A MALE VOICE behind her --

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Are those for work -- or play?

Sparkle turns, faces the intruder.
It’s BRUCE BALL. Smiling.

SPARKLE
They’re for a movie.

BRUCE
A movie, huh?
Isn’t that funny.
I’m in the movie business myself.
Commercials, mostly -- for now.

SPARKLE
(deadly serious)
It’s an industry town.

Pause.

BRUCE
Yeah.
So, listen -- here’s my card.
I’m always casting something.
You’ve got a nice look.
She stares. Ignores the card.

SPARKLE
What do I look like? Talent?

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - KITCHEN - AT THE SAME TIME
Carrie and Zette get coffee,
scope out the craft services.

CARRIE
-- And I said, 'what do
I look like? Talent?'

ZETTE
Vat do you expect when you
come to the porno
dressed like Daisy Dykes?

CARRIE
I’m dressed like this cause
it’s a fucking hundred degrees
out here in this cultural wasteland.

Pause.

ZETTE
(takes her hand)
I had fun the other night.
Glad you came.

CARRIE
Me, too.
Several times, actually.
(awkward)
Listen, there’s something
I gotta tell you.

A MALE VOICE is heard
in the doorway.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You mean she doesn’t know
you’re a cop?

Zette and Carrie look.
It’s Bruce.

BRUCE
A plainclothes homicide
detective, I believe?

ZETTE
You’re a cop?

CARRIE
I was going to tell you.
(to Bruce)
Bruce Ball?
What a surprise.
What are you doing here?

BRUCE
I’m the director of the film.

CARRIE
FILM?
I thought this was a porno.

BRUCE
We in the industry prefer
the term adult film.

CARRIE
Adult film?
Oxymoron much?

Nightstick Games

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, sparks fly when undercover cop Carrie Love penetrates the scene at an adult film shoot, where she runs into the impossibly gorgeous porn star Laura Lang ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DAY
Carrie stands at the front door.
Regards the opulence.

She looks smokin’ in a halter,
cutoffs and platform sandals.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My contact’s name was Zette Duquesne.
She was a nice girl, came
from a rich French family,
descended from royalty.
Until she was busted with a
shitload of coke driving naked
on Mulholland Drive at five AM.
(beat)
Of course, I didn’t know that
the night I picked her up at Girl Bar.
Didn’t know she worked
in the porn industry, either.
No wonder she asked if I had handcuffs.
(beat)
Lucky for me I never told her I was a cop.
Wasn’t in the mood for nightstick games.
Just wanted plain, French vanilla, thank you.

INT. MANSION - FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Laura stands at her mark in a
cheap Chanel knock-off that
flies off her curves.
Studies her lines.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was one of those moments
that only happen a couple
of times in your life.
If you’re lucky.
All of a sudden I was
face to face with the most
incredibly stunning creature
I’d ever seen.

LAURA
(off the script, without feeling)
'Oh my god. It’s so fucking huge.
I don’t think I can take it all.'
(closes her eyes, memorizing)
'Oh my god. It’s so fucking huge -- '

Carrie watches. Stopped in her tracks.

LAURA (CONT'D)
Fuck.

CARRIE
(stupid smile)
'I don’t think I can take it all.'

LAURA
(opens eyes)
What?

CARRIE
The rest of the line.

LAURA
Oh. Right.

They both stare.

CARRIE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
I was just passing through --

Chemistry percolates.
A clock CHIMES somewhere.

LAURA
You’re -- visiting someone?

CARRIE
(trying to be casual, not successful)
Yeah, uh -- Zette, the make up girl?

LAURA
(intense smile)
So you’re 'Legs.'

CARRIE
(blushing)
Uh, yeah. Actually, it’s -- Carrie.

LAURA
I see why.

CARRIE
I’m sorry?

Klaus charges in.

KLAUS
Laura, there you are.
We’re ready to do the, uh --
strap-on thing.

LAURA
Oh, alright. If you insist.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs.
(a whisper)
I need to have a word with you -- later.

CARRIE
Uh, yeah --sure thing.
(beat)
A -- word.
(beat)
Later --

Good Night, Flat Foot

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of DAZED BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, after blowing up her parents' trailer and running away from home, underaged beauty pageant wannabe Sparkle Plenty checks into the The Farmer's Daughter motel in Hollywood. Meanwhile, homicide detective Carrie Love spars with her ex, fellow dick Bernie Keko as the prepares to undercover on a porn shoot ...


EXT. THE FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - NIGHT
Beyond crappy. Behind a plexiglass box,
the FAT ASIAN CLERK (30)
regards a filthy Sparkle warily.

SPARKLE
Hey there, hot stuff.
How much is it?

FAT ASIAN CLERK
For the night or for the hour?

SPARKLE
Don’t make me laugh, ton o’ wonton.
I bet the Chamber of Commerce
would love to hear how you greet
a tired visitor to this wondrous city.

Spooked, he slides over the registration.
She fills it out.

FAT ASIAN CLERK
It’s thirty-nine dollars
a night, in advance.
No cooking, no guests, no pets.
You can use the pool, but after
eight we’re not responsible.
Read the sign.

She hands him the card
and some cash.

FAT ASIAN CLERK (CONT’D)
Check out time is eleven.
No exceptions.

SPARKLE
All I need is soap and water
and fresh towels.
(takes key, turns to leave)
Thanks -- grasshopper.

FAT ASIAN CLERK
(reads the card)
Your name is -- Sparkle Plenty?

SPARKLE
You don’t want to know
what they named my brother.
(beat, weird smile)
G’night, flat-top.

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - NIGHT
Carrie strides out the front door,
Bernie right behind her.

CARRIE
Good night, flat-foot.

KEKO
I’m coming with you.

CARRIE
No you’re not.
(reaches her car, opens the door)
If I’m gonna get in there,
I gotta be alone.
(jumps in, slams it shut)
And I certainly don’t wanna be
seen on the set with my ex.
Hampers the getting laid quotient.

She GUNS the engine.
Bernie races around
to the passenger side,
tries the door. Locked.

KEKO
Open the door, you --

Carrie cracks the window.

CARRIE
You had your shot, Bernie,
and it fucking kills you that
I defected to the other side.
And now it’s interfering with
your judgement at work.
Go do something --
check the crime scene,
get a burger, jerk off, I don’t care.
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got to pick up my HIV test --
(beat)
Can’t get on set without it.

Learning The Ropes

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dick Carrie Love tangles with fellow cop Bernie Keko, her ex-husband when they're both assigned to the same case and have to question a suspect ... on the set of a porn shoot.


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - SQUAD ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Carrie’s being grilled by
homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s),
Armenian, good-looking on a budget,
an angry Russell Crowe-type.
With a sense of humor.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s my soon-to-be ex-husband Bernie.
A decent guy -- when he’s not being a
stubborn, jealous mass
of insecure testosterone.

CLOSE ON --
Bernie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t really blame him, though.
Imagine how you would feel
if you found out your woman
was leaving you -- for another woman.
(beat)
Bad example. Half of you
probably just got aroused.

KEKO
You’re drinking on duty again, Legs.
You smell like you went down on Jim Beam.
And that’s the third vehicle
you’ve trashed this month.
You’ve used up all
your second chances, babe.
Lipshitz is gonna can that
tight little ass of yours.

CARRIE
Hey, it’s not gonna be believable if
my breath smells like fucking Aquafresh.
It’s called undercover, hello?
I can’t sit there sucking on
a wheat grass smoothie, for chrissakes. And as for the car, I was chasing a perp. Can I help it if Venice Beach is so treacherous? In case you didn’t notice -- I got the collar!

Police chief LARRY LIPSHITZ (50s) strolls in.
Weary. Seen it all. Small and round.
In a perfect universe -- Danny DeVito.

LIPSHITZ
You two. I could hear you all
the way down the hall in the can.
(beat)
Only place I can get
any peace around here.

KEKO
She started it.

CARRIE
Don’t look at me, chief -- I’m just
kneeling at the altar of Sipowitz here.

LIPSHITZ
Bernie, you gotta grieving widow
waiting for you upstairs.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs --
you’re off the homeless thing.

CARRIE
What? You can’t --

KEKO
(grins, starts toward the door)
I told you --

CARRIE
But I almost have that fucker.

LIPSHITZ
I’m putting you on the
copycat movie killer thing.

KEKO
(stops, whirls around)
Hey, that’s my case.

CARRIE
Yeah, that’s his case.

LIPSHITZ
Correction, it’s both your case’s now.
We’ve got three more bodies
sprayed like chunks in sauce
on a porn soundstage in the valley.
The press is having a fucking field day --
and the commissioner is so far up my ass,
my prostrate is deciding on a bridal registry.
We need someone on the inside.
(off Carrie’s look)
Pun intended.

CARRIE
On the inside where? A porn shoot?

LIPSHITZ
Yeah. Ilona found a guy on the ‘net
that shoots amateur videos --
and what look like fake snuff films.
Remember Bruce Ball? The guy you were
after last year on that S&M reality show thing?
We think he might be the perp.
(beat)
And Duquesne says he just
started principal photography.

CARRIE
And, what -- you want me to spread my legs
for truth, justice and the eight-o’clock news?

KEKO
Why do you think they call you a peace officer?

CARRIE
You expecting the lame ‘undercover’ joke?
(to Larry)
I’ll go get waxed right away.

KEKO
Larry, we went over this.
I’m going undercover.
Do my Dirk Diggler thing.

LIPSHITZ
I don’t think you can -- pull it off.

KEKO
Pull it off? Pull it off?
Are you casting aspersions on
my -- swordsmanship?

LIPSHITZ
It’s an all-girl flick, Bernie.
(beat)
Light bondage.

CARRIE
Cool.

KEKO
(eyes light up)
All girls?

CARRIE
What’s the title?

LIPSHITZ
'Learning the Ropes.' Catchy, huh.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face. Raring to go.

CARRIE
I certainly hope so --

Indigo Eyes

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, wannabe filmmaker Bruce Ball shows up for his first day on set ... for an 'adult film,' where we meet porn star Laura Lang. Meanwhile, patrol officer Carrie Love squeezes off a few rounds at the shooting range ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - AT THE SAME TIME
A glossy monstrosity flying
out over a cliff on stilts.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bizarrely chipper German
synth-pop percolates over --

A porn shoot in full swing.
GRIPS, CREW, ‘TALENT.’

A pair of pneumatic BLONDES
do hot things with an ice sculpture.

The director is KLAUS SPEER (50s),
an Icabod Crane of a decayed
Jeremy Irons on Prozac.

He stares at Bruce Ball,
working as the DP quizzically.
Lights up a red Sherman’s.

BRUCE
(offers his camcorder)
I said, wanna take a peek?

KLAUS
Like I wanna see ze close up
of Cherry’s butt-hole.

CHERRY
(stops the action, turns)
I heard that.

INT. UPSTAIRS - MASTER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
LAURA LANG (25), blonde,
impossibly Brit-beautiful.

Indigo eyes burn with mischief.
Cruel lips sneer with promises.

Right now she’s reading SKIN TWO,
a glossy fetish magazine
while her face is painted.

LAURA
Cherry Sunday is a filthy cunt.
(sees a picture)
C’or, look at that.
That’d be so fuckin’ hot on me.

Makeup artist ZETTE DUQUESNE (28),
a French, raven-haired martini
poured into a leather goblet,
looks, smiles grimly.

ZETTE
How in ze hell you
suppose to go pee-pee?

LAURA
Darling.
That’s the whole point.

INT. FIRING RANGE - DAY
Carrie assumes the stance.
Untouchable in leather and denim.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Some women own a vibrator.

She SQUEEZES off a flurry of SHOTS --
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

CARRIE (V.O.)
And others prefer something stronger.

A silky SWAT TEAM BABE
takes position in the next stall.

Turns her head.
WINKS at Carrie.
Starts SHOOTING.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Me. I prefer Classic Coke.

She aims. Breathes. And --

CARRIE (V.O.)
With a lot of rum.
On the beach.
In a tall glass
of something brunette.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Trouble Is My Business

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, the shit hits the fan when undercover cop Carrie Love tries to help an old Chinese woman who's purse got snatched ...


INT. UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MORNING
Carrie sits behind the wheel
of an idling late-model sedan.

Holds a container of coffee.
Breathes in the steam. Shivers.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t wait to get home
and take a long, hot shower.
Wash off that ‘eau de gutter.’

She pulls out a flask.
Pours in something brown. Toasts.

CARRIE (V.O.)
But then, if I keep this up --
what’s the difference?

EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
An OLD CHINESE WOMAN trundles by
carrying a bag of laundry.

Suddenly a young STREET KID runs up.
GRABS her handbag --
And dashes off down the street.

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
Hey! Muthafucka, yoo come back here!

And, big surprise --
she takes off after him.

CARRIE
sees the commotion --

CARRIE
Goddammit!

JAMS the car into gear --
and TAKES OFF.

The coffee FLIES in the air,
drenching her shirt, her lap.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Fuck!
(out the window)
Hey, you! Stop! Police!

EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
The kid TEARS ASS down
the alley at lightning speed.

Carrie’s car SCREECHES up
right behind him, and --
just as it looks like
she’s going to run him over --
He feints left, then
DASHES to the right --
into a narrow alley between buildings.

CARRIE
flies by. SCREECHES to a halt.
JAMS into reverse. Fishtails.

CRUNCHES the gravel.
She HITS the gas,
ROARS into the alley.

CARRIE
They’re gonna kill me
at the auto pool --

IN THE ALLEY
The thief gets to the other end.
Trips. OOF.

CARRIE’S CAR
BARRELS down the alley,
the sides of the frame SHRIEKING,
SCRAPING against the buildings,
sparks FLYING --

THE KID
gets up. Sees Carrie’s vehicle
coming toward him. Takes off.

CARRIE’S CAR
reaches a door stoop
at the end of the alley.

Her right front fender CRUNCHES
into it. Headlight POPS.

The sedan’s wheels SPIN
madly in the soft earth.

She shuts off the engine.
It SPUTTERS, CLANK.

CARRIE
This day is not getting off
to a very good start.

Just then, BANGING on
passenger-side window.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Hey! What the FUCK
do you think you’re doing?

CARRIE
(flashes her badge)
Police business, you fat fuck.
Get the fuck out of my face.

And, to add insult in injury --
the CHINESE WOMAN appears
in front of the car.

With the kid in a choke-hold.
She SHOVES him onto the ground.
GRABS her purse. Yells --

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
If you be doing yoo job,
I no have to ruin ten-dolla shoes!

She stomps off.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
(leans in the window)
Jesus. You really a cop?
You reek of booze.

CARRIE
At least I don’t reek of BO, asshole.
Now get the fuck outta here
before I cite you for
smelling like shit.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Jeez. No need to be nasty.

CARRIE
Listen, doll.
Nasty’s my middle name. And
trouble is my business.
(beat)
You really wanna be a customer?

A Cold One

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we meet undercover officer Carrie Love, on the job in Venice Beach. Meanwhile, wannabe film director Bruce Ball tries to wrangle a uncooperative bimbo ...


EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - DAWN
An acid-jazzy crime theme bubbles under --

The barest light of dawn.
A streetlight SNAPS off.

In a filthy alley behind
'Hollywood Pizza,' a Boardwalk dive.

A WOMAN sleeps --
a living pile of rags.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
The worst part about sleeping outside
is that you never feel rested
when you wake up.
You just lie there
because there’s nowhere to go.
And besides, it’s fucking cold out.

CAMERA PUSHES IN on her.
Underneath, despite the filth,
we see she’s young. Pretty.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
So you just lie there and remember
what it was like before this happened.
You think about things
like a hot shower. A hot breakfast.
Reading the paper with a
cup of coffee and a pack of smokes.

A HOMELESS MAN approaches on
tip-toes, touches her blanket --

And she LEAPS UP, FLASHES her badge,
POINTS her gun at him.

WOMAN
Hold it right there, motherfucker!
You just messed with the wrong chick.
Assume the position!

HOMELESS MAN
Shit, lady -- I mean, officer,
I wasn’t doing nothing, I was just --

He looks down at the big wet stain
spreading on his crotch.

WOMAN
Jesus fucking Christ,
look at yourself.
Get outta here.
Don’t let me see you
around here again.

The man hobbles away in a panic.
The chick sits back down.

WOMAN (CONT'D)
(into the camera)
You didn’t think I was homeless, did you?
(pulls out a bottle)
The name’s Carrie, Carrie Love.
I carry a badge.
(toasts, takes a sip)
Just getting into character.

INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE - NIGHT
Dean Martin’s YOU’RE NOBODY UNTIL
SOMEBODY LOVES YOU over --

A small tri-level house converted
into a groovy work space.

BRUCE BALL, six-feet of attitude
in a tiny, squishy body, is testing talent.
The auteur squints into the camera lens.

BRUCE
It’s called getting into character.
(beat)
Okay. You are so fucking excited
about drinking the delicious
Genuine Cold Ice Draft Lager
that you’re about to come.
This is the best fucking beer
you’ve had in your short, meaningless life.

A pretty young MODEL (18) holds
a can of beer, vaguely insulted.

Topless, covers her nipples
with her other arm.

BRUCE (CONT’D)
Action.

MODEL
(sexy)
When I get really thirsty,
I gotta have a cold one.

CAMERA POV
The bim drops her arm,
rubs the can on her breasts.

MODEL
But when I get really hot,
I reach for a--

ON BRUCE

BRUCE
No, stop! This isn’t a porno.
Why are you rubbing it on your boobs?
Have you ever seen that
in a beer commercial?

MODEL
But you said you wanted me to come.

BRUCE
I said LIKE you were gonna come,
it was a metaphor, a --

SULTRY FEMALE VOICE(O.S.)
Bruce, I hate to interrupt,
but that weird German guy just called.

BRUCE
(excited)
The shoot? Was it about the shoot?

In walks DINA DAERR, production VP.
The kind of woman who spends more
on her haircut than
most people’s car payment.

Flashes a 100-watt smile.
Arches a perfect, razor-thin brow.

DINA
Yeah, he said the call time
has been moved up,
you’re supposed to be there --
(looks at watch)
Now.

BRUCE
Hot stuff, my first feature.

MODEL
You’re going to go work on a movie?

BRUCE
Yeah. I’ll see if there’s a part for you.
Let you know.

DINA
(to the model)
You might not want to be
in this kinda flick.

MODEL
Why not? What’s it called?

Burt glares at Dina.
Eyes yell at her to shut up.

DINA
Harry Bottom and the Sorcerer’s Pole --

Soft Soap

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we meet Sparkle Plenty, under-aged beauty pageant queen, who escapes from her white trash incestual mother, and blows up her trailer ...


INT. WHITE TRASH TRAILER - NIGHT
ROSCOE PLENTY, (40)
a strange-looking nerd,
watches a shitty little
black and white TV,
swills a bottle of cheap beer.

ROSCOE
(to someone off-screen)
C’mon honey, you’re
missing the big number.

ON TV
in glorious Technicolor,
SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS.

A chorus line of grinning,
super-masculine Hollywood cowboys.

SEVEN BROTHERS (ON TV)
Bless your beoootiful hide --

INT. FILTHY KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
DOT PLENTY (33), Roscoe’s repulsive wife
eats dog food out of the can.

Sips her jelly-jar zinfandel.
Belly-T reveals folds
of pale cottage-cheese.
‘Fat’ would be a compliment.

DOT
(sucking her fingers)
Fucking musicals.
Fucking faggot -- shit.
(to him, loud)
I’m gonna go check on Sparkle,
make sure she’s all clean.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
the drunk is riveted to
the movie, drinks his longneck.

INT. TRAILER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
A steaming shower runs.

A FEMALE FORM behind the glass --
sings off-key some weird disco hit.

IN THE HALLWAY
the happy molester squeezes by,
reaches the door. Smiles.

IN THE BATHROOM
the door opens.
In creeps lover-mom.

DOT
(throaty)
Does little Sparkle-ette
need help cleaning those --
hard-to-reach places?

EXT. TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
Steam drifts out the bathroom window.
A knapsack FLIES OUT.

Out pops SPARKLE PLENTY (16),
teased-hair K-Mart adorable.

Picture-pretty face.
What you call a ‘spinner.’

She JUMPS, lands on the ground.
Then runs, giggling.

IN THE BATHROOM
Coquettish, Dot opens the shower door --

DOT
Mmmmmm -- do I smell Soft Soap?

To reveal it’s empty.

A TAPE RECORDER
sits on the toilet.
The source of the singing.

A WINDOW SHADE
flaps against the open window.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Roscoe sings along, having
the time of his life. BURP.

IN THE BATHROOM

DOT
Roscoe, Sparkle escaped! Again!

EXT. HILLSIDE - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle looks down
on her nest from hell.

Holds a remote trigger box
in dainty hands.

SPARKLE
(punches a button)
Hasta la vista, incestual units --

THE TRAILER
EXPLODES in a massive fireball.

SPARKLE (O.S.)
Cause this chick’s
going to Hollywood.

Town Without Pity

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 1 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we meet private eye Carrie Love, who lets us know in no uncertain terms what she thinks of her home town, Los Angeles ...


EXT. MULHOLLAND DRIVE - SCENIC VIEW - NIGHT
A swanky, deliriously kinky go-go groove --
My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult’s
THE INTERNATIONAL SIN SET.

The glittering panorama of
the San Fernando Valley twinkles below.

A big, silvery moon
shines o’er the tackiness.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
New York, New York --
the city so nice,
they named it twice.
The city that never sleeps.
But in Los Angeles,
people are in bed by nine.
And they only named it once.
Enough said?

A beat-up old PICKUP TRUCK
filled with MEXICAN GARDENERS comes
TEARING BY in a crunch of gravel.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
Actually, the full name is
'El Pueblo de La Neustra Senora,
Reina de Los Angeles.
'The City of our Lady,
Queen of the Angels.'
No wonder they shortened it.
Ever take a close look at this
never-bustling metropolis?
Not exactly pure and chaste, huh.

A HUMVEE
comes into view.
The absurd vehicle slows, parks.

IN THE CAR
an ARROGANT HIPSTER (25)
and his MILLENNIAL GIRLFRIEND (21),
a whisper-thin young hottie
start making out.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
Like the song says,
it’s a town without pity.
But that doesn’t stop the
millions of boys and girls
that come here with
stars in their eyes.
Almost none of them make it, of course --
but that doesn’t stop them; those eager,
fresh-scrubbed teeming masses
from the hinterlands with
visions of celebrity
dancing in their empty heads.

The couple starts getting hot and heavy.
Hands go to private places.

HOTTIE GIRLFRIEND
No, I told you -- NO!

ARROGANT HIPSTER
C’mon, Tifney -- I promise
I’ll respect you and shit.

HOTTIE GIRLFRIEND
You expect me to jerk your stick
like some kinda sleazy cooz?

ARROGANT HIPSTER
Hey. I don’t get a happy ending --
you don’t get a happy ending.

Pause.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
But our story starts far away
from this airbrushed mecca
of cigar-smoking goateed posers
and collagen-impaired faux-fatales --
in a tiny little berg
on the wrong side of the tracks.
(beat)
Except there’s no tracks, and the
one-mile stretch of trailer homes
makes a good case for selective breeding.

A pistol CLICK-CLICKS.
The girl SCREAMS --
and gunshots POP-POP-POP.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
Or maybe just a little ethnic cleansing.

Love Will Tear Us Apart

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of ZOMBIE & JULIET, Rommy and Jool have their last stand against the zombie invasion, and make their escape thanks to the help of a news crew helicopter ...


EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
Jool RACES out of the way.
The board FLIES off the doorway --

And a pack of zombies CHARGES at Rommy.
He SWINGS the chainsaw back and forth,
RIPPING THEM TO SHREDS --

DRENCHING him in blood,
brains, skull, guts and goo.

ROMMY (CONT’D)
Got you NOW, mother-FUCKERS.

JOOL
Watches. Horrified. Amazed.

Suddenly the ROAR of a
helicopter up above.
They both look.

Jool starts jumping up and down.
Waving her arms. YELLS.

JOOL
Over HERE, over HERE.

Rommy smiles. Starts to
put the chainsaw down,
just as ANOTHER WAVE of zombies
comes PILING THROUGH THE DOOR.

He RIPS the cord.
Brandishes it over his head.

ROMMY
Oh, YEAH?
You want some more of THIS?

And he RIPS INTO THEM, SPRAYING
a FOUNTAIN OF BLOOD AND GUTS.

IN THE AIR ABOVE
Is a News Four chopper.
It starts slowly descending.

A rope ladder comes down.
Jool races over to it. GRABS it.

Starts to climb up, but it SNAPS --
and she HITS the roof. THWUNK.

ROMMY
Finishes ripping them apart.
Races over to Jool, chainsaw in hand,
nail gun tucked in his belt.

THE CHOPPER
Hovers above them.
The PILOT comes over the loudspeaker.

PILOT (V.O.)
(electronic)
Grab onto the undercarriage.
I’m afraid if I land,
more will come and get on.

Rommy nods. Drops the chainsaw.
Puts his hands together
in front of his knees.
Jool looks at him. Scared.

ROMMY
Climb up. HURRY --
(off her look)
C’mon, GO --

She nods. Puts one foot onto his hands,
reaches up, and he BOOSTS
her up to the undercarriage.
She starts climbing up to the cockpit, just as --

ANOTHER LATE-STAGE INFECTED PROFESSOR
Comes out onto the roof.
Starts coming toward Rommy.
He GRABS the chainsaw. Snarls --

ROMMY (CONT’D)
I’m getting REALLY
fucking sick of you guys.

He YANKS the cord. Nothing.
YANKS it again. Nothing.
Yanks it AGAIN. It ROARS to life.
Then SPUTTERS OUT. He DROPS it.

Infected Professor starts getting closer.
Rommy pulls out the nail gun.

CHARGES at him.
JAMS it against his forehead.
Tries to NAIL him.
CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. Nothing.

ROMMY (CONT’D)
God-DAMMIT.

He GRABS Professor’s head.
TWISTS his neck. CRACK.

Professor weaves a little,
then falls over. THWUMP.

Rommy JAMS the gun in his belt.
RACES over to the chopper.

Tries to JUMP UP and
GRAB the undercarriage --
but it’s too high.

He JUMPS again. GRABS IT.
His hand SLIPS, and he FALLS.

THWUMP. He gets back up.
JUMPS again. Misses --

JOOL
Comes out the door of the cockpit.
Starts climbing back down.

THE PILOT
Watches her.
Shakes his head in amazement.

PILOT
Now THAT’S true love.

ON THE CHOPPER
Jool hugs the bars of the landing gear.
Reaches down. Rommy JUMPS UP. GRABS her hand.
Starts climbing up, just as --

ANOTHER WAVE OF ZOMBIES
Flies out onto the roof.
CHATTERING. SCREAMING.

They RACE over toward Rommy just as
he works his legs up over the bar.

Rommy YANKS out the nail gun and starts
SMASHING them on the head with it --
as the helicopter starts slowly rising.

IN THE HELICOPTER
The pilot, a grizzled, old news pro
looks at Rommy and Jool climbing in.
Tips his baseball cap.

GRIZZLED PILOT
Bet you kids were shore glad to see ME.

They nod, staring down below
at the zombies filling the roof.
Relieved. Hugging each other tightly.

ROMMY
You could say that.

JOOL
Thanks, mister.

GRIZZLED PILOT
Funny thing. First I was
trying to cover the story,
then I had to start saving
people like you trapped
on top of the buildings.
Life sure is funny sometimes, huh?

Rommy gazes at Jool.
A glimmer of a smile.

She wipes his face with her sleeve.
Nuzzles him with her nose.

ROMMY
(softly)
Hilarious.

Jool sighs. Runs her
fingers through Rommy’s hair.

GRIZZLED PILOT
So where do you want me to
drop you two lovebirds off?

ROMMY
(looks at Jool)
Where do you want to go?

She smiles faintly.
Shakes her head. Exhausted.

JOOL
You decide.

He thinks a moment.
Then brightens.

ROMMY
I hear Staten Island is
really nice this time of year --

She nods. Leans in. And they kiss.

FADE TO BLACK