Half Baked

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 60 of BABY HEISTER,


INT. FLINT’S CROWN VIC - MOVING - DAY
The car sits in traffic
waiting for a red light.

DOC
Cut through that gas station.
Then take a right on Ocean Park.

FLINT
Alright, alright --

EXT. LINCOLN AVENUE - CONTINUOUS
The Crown Vic cuts diagonally
through a gas station,
starts heading west.

INT. SEMI TRAILER - DAY
A pile of garbage sits on one side
of the Dumpster truck.
The bags of money on the other.

Simon stands in the front
with a long two-by-four.
Jo, with a length of steel pipe.

And Kelsey, with a piece of glass
tied to a broom handle.

KELSEY
Okay. This is how we’re gonna do it --

EXT. MARINA PARKING LOT - DAY
Flint’s Crown Vic pulls up
alongside the semi.
He and Doc get out.

Eb climbs down out of the cabin.
Walks over.

EB
How’d it go at the cop shop?

FLINT
Like taking candy from a retard.
Let’s open up the tin can.

They walk over to the truck.
He climbs up the back.

Unlocks the door.
Opens them, revealing --

The Dumpster truck.
Trash on the right.

Money bags on the left.
But no Kelsey, Simon or Jo.

EB
Hey. Where’d they go?

FLINT
Stupid redneck.
They’re hiding in the Dumpster.

KELSEY (O.C.)
We’re not hiding. We’re resting.

FLINT
(pulls out his gun)
Just as well. Makes it easier.

DOC
Makes WHAT easier?

FLINT
Did you REALLY think I was gonna
SHARE the money with YOU?
A career CRIMINAL?

DOC
You’re a fucking piece of shit,
you know that?

FLINT
That may be, but I’m a fucking
RICH piece of shit.
(to Eb)
Start unloading the bags into my car.
I’ll take care of the Dumpster-divers.

Eb nods. Climbs in.
Grabs a couple of bags.

Kelsey LEAPS up. JABS
her spear into his eye. CRUNCH.

EB
GAAA --

FLINT
FUCK.

Flint SHOOTS at her.
She DIVES back down.

Bullets PING, PING, PING
off the Dumpster.
Doc WHIPS OUT his gun.

SHOOTS Flint in the head. BANG.
He falls over, dead. THUMP.

DOC
Asshole.

Kelsey, Simon and Jo appear.
Climb down out of the truck.

KELSEY
I saw you empty the clip.

DOC
I did.
(beat)
But I still had one in the chamber.
(beat)
Throw ‘em in the Dumpster, quick.
Somebody might’ve heard the gunshots.

Kelsey and Simon pick up Flint.
Carry him up into the truck.

JO
We gotta problem, Doc.
His car ain’t big enough
to carry all the money
and the four of us.

DOC
I know, we gotta find a new ride.

An OLD, YELLOW VW HIPPIE BUS
comes into frame.

Covered in bumper stickers.
Pictures of dolphins.

Driven by the requisite
GREASY STONER DUDE (30’s).
He leans out the window.

GREASY STONER DUDE
You guys hear a gunshot?
I coulda sworn I heard a gunshot.

DOC
Car backfired.
Sorry if we scared you.

GREASY STONER DUDE
Right on.

Jo nudges Doc.
Nods at the bus. Doc nods.
Walks over to Stoner’s car window.

DOC
I know this is
gonna sound strange,
but I was wondering
if we could swap vehicles.

GREASY STONER DUDE
Huh?

DOC
We wanna go on a camping trip,
and our car just ain’t big enough.

GREASY STONER DUDE
What the fuck are YOU smoking --
and do you got any more?
This is my RIDE, bro. My baby.
She’s taken me to Woodstock,
Bonarroo, Coachella --

Kelsey appears. Holds up
a big wads of banded bills.

KELSEY
Will this take care of it?

GREASY STONER DUDE
(GRABS it)
DUDE, you gotta DEAL.