Dead Like Me

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, science genius nerd Frankie Stein follows head cheerleader Shayla Petrie and her abusive boyfriend Willis to the seedy motel where they have a tryst, but when Shayla escapes from Willis' evil clutches and gets killed in a hit and run accident, Frankie decides to take her body home with him ... so he can bring her back to life ...


EXT. THE CAMELOT MOTEL - DUSK
A seedy, shitty adult motel on
the outskirts of town near a park.

Frankie’s VW bus is parked at the
opposite side of the gravel parking lot
far away from Willis’ truck.

JOSH
I’m cold, I’m hungry,
and I gotta take a piss.

FRANKIE
You can go if you want to.

JOSH
I’m not gonna WALK home.
It’s too FAR.

FRANKIE
Relax.
They’re not gonna be much longer.
They both have to go home for dinner.

On cue, a motel door OPENS.
Shayla and Willis walk out.

Dishevelled, with that
‘just had sex’ look.
And a bit tipsy.

They look around, make sure
they’re not being seen.

Willis holds a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Takes a long swallow.

They both get in the truck.
It starts driving away.

IN FRANKIE’S VAN
He starts the engine.

FRANKIE
Okay, here we go --

IN WILLIS’ TRUCK
Shayla grips her stomach.
Turns green --

SHAYLA
Stop the car.
I’m gonna get --

And PROJECTILE VOMITS
all over the dashboard.

WILLIS
Fucking BITCH.
Look what you did to my TRUCK.
(reaches over, YANKS her door open)
Get OUT.

SHAYLA
But, but --

Willis SHOVES her out of the seat.
She FLIES OUT the door.

IN THE VAN
Frankie and Josh see Shayla
HIT the pavement.

And Willis’ truck ROAR away.
Shayla stands up.
Shakes a fist. SCREAMS.

SHAYLA
You fucking ASSHOLE.

ON THE STREET
A DRUNK DRIVER comes CAREENING
around a corner.

Now that it’s getting darker,
he doesn’t see Shayla --
and CLIPS her with his front fender.

She FLIES into the air like a rag doll --
And HITS the pavement, THWUMP.

FRANKIE’S VW BUS
SCREECHES to a halt
beside her motionless body.

Frankie and Josh jump out. Walk over.
Frankie gets down on his knees.
Takes her pulse. Shakes his head sadly.

FRANKIE
She’s -- dead.

JOSH
Shit. We better call the cops --

FRANKIE
The COPS? Are you fucking KIDDING me?

JOSH
What else could we --
(realizes)
Oh, no. No WAY.

FRANKIE
Way. It worked on the rat.
Now I want to try it on her.

JOSH
This is SICK, Frankie.
You just want to be with her.
No WAY am I getting involved in this.
We could go to jail for a LONG time.

FRANKIE
So we don’t get caught.
Now help me put her
in the back of the van.
(off his silence)
C’mon, don’t you want me
to go down in medical history?

JOSH
(sighs)
I’ll take the feet.
You grab her arms --

Whip-Smart

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, science genius nerd Frankie and his BFF Josh race to save head cheerleader Shayla from the evil clutches of her abusive boyfriend Willis. Meanwhile, the dead rat that Frankie brought back to life gets the attention of CDC agent Beck Driver ...


INT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - DAY
Frankie JAMS the car into gear.
Josh turns around and
looks out the back window.
Sees something.

JOSH
Wait. Don’t go. Hold on a sec --

FRANKIE
Are you fucking crazy?

He starts pulling out
of his parking space.

JOSH
WAIT. It’s Shayla --

FRANKIE
What?

Frankie turns around. Looks.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Willis SLAPS Shayla. GRABS her.
SHOVES her into his pickup truck.

SLAMS the door. PEELS RUBBER
out of the parking lot.

IN FRANKIE’S CAR
He looks at Josh. Open-mouthed.

FRANKIE
The rumors are TRUE.
He DOES hit her.

Frankie HITS THE GAS
and drives toward the exit.

JOSH
What are you DOING?

FRANKIE
What does it look like?
I’m gonna FOLLOW them --

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
Frankie’s car follows
Willis’ truck down the street.

INT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Josh looks at Frankie.

JOSH
You’re fucking crazy.
What are you gonna do when
you catch up with them?

FRANKIE
Rescue her.

INT. CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL - OFFICE - DAY
A cluttered office filled with
book shelves and filing cabinets.
Paperwork EVERYWHERE.

A tall, intense-looking
SCIENTIST (30’s) talks on the phone.

Meet REBECCA ‘BECK’ DRIVER.
No-nonsense. Great-looking.
Even with the glasses,
hair pulled back.

Smokin’ hot bod hidden behind Armani.
Has that Sarah Palin thing.
But whip-smart.

BECK
Don’t get me wrong,
I love Dustin Hoffman,
but OUTBREAK was ridiculous.
The virus was --
(sees something)
My other line.
Hold on a sec --
(PUNCHES a button)
This is Beck --
(listens)
REALLY?
How long had it been dead?
(listens)
I’ll be there as fast as I can.
(listens)
Of course.
Do you realize what this could MEAN?
(listens)
Got it. Bye.
(PUNCHES another button)
I’m back.
You’ll never believe what
was just found in Venison, Ohio --
(listens)
A dead rat on the loose.
(listens)
Yeah. It was brought back to life.
(listens)
OF COURSE I’ve see RE-ANIMATOR --

Jocks Gone Wild

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, Peggy shows officer Chet Beverage the dead rat her son Frankie brought back to life. Meanwhile, Frankie and Josh tangle with head cheerleader Shayla Petrie's boyfriend Willis, who tries to bully them ...


INT. SUBURBAN HOME - KITCHEN - DAY
Peggy and Chet stand in front of
the door to the basement.

The rat SQUEALS and BANGS
against the door.

PEGGY
I opened the back door
to take out the garbage,
and it ran in here
like a little devil
and went down to the basement.

CHET
Why didn’t you call
an exterminator?

PEGGY
Because it was, uh --
(eyes wide)
Already dead.

EXT. SUBURBAN HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
School’s out. Students leave
the building like a stream of ants.
Laughing and shouting as they walk.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Frankie and Josh walk
towards Frankie’s car.

JOSH
But that’s CRAZY.
You can’t do that.
I've seen the movie.
It DOESN’T end well.

FRANKIE
Well, that’s because he used
body parts from several people --
but what about reanimating
a whole person?

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hey, LOOK.
THERE they are.
Don’t ask, don’t SMELL --

Reveal WILLIS GRUBB (18),
big and massive --
and Shayla’s boyfriend,
with his cohort KIRK KIRK, JR.
(18), even bigger.

Jocks Gone Wild.
Staring at them.
Fists clenched.

KIRK
And where are you two
love birds off to?

WILLIS
Wait -- don’t tell me.
They’re gonna Eat, Pray, Fuck.

They both BURST into laughter.
High-five each other.

FRANKIE
I don’t know what the hell
Shayla sees in you,
you fat fuck.
You don’t DESERVE her.

JOSH
(whispers)
Frankie --

Willis’ face turns red.

WILLIS
I’m gonna fucking KILL you --

Frankie KICKS him in the balls.
Willis keels over in pain.

WILLIS
OW --

KIRK
You little SHIT --

Josh WHIPS OUT pepper spray
and SHOOTS it in Kirk’s eyes.

KIRK
(wiping them)
My EYES, my EYES --


And they take TAKE OFF.

EXT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Frankie and Josh pile
into Frankie’s van.
SLAM the doors.

JOSH
I can’t believe you
fucking DID that.

FRANKIE
Neither can I --

Reality Check

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, science genius nerd Frankie Stein hangs out at high school with his BFF Josh Bohner and reveals he's in love with head cheerleader Shayla Petrie, who won't give him the time of day. Meanwhile, Frankie's mom Peggy calls the cops to deal with the dead rat that Frankie brought back to life ...


EXT. SUBURBAN HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Out of a John Hughes movie.
Old and stately. Manicured lawn.

Manicured kids from good homes.
The joint’s abuzz with dozens of
STUDENTS on their way to class.

Frankie walks with his friend
JOSH BOHNER (17), small and intense.
Makes Christopher Mintz-Platz look macho.

JOSH
You mean it WORKED?

FRANKIE
Yeah. Then the little fucker ran away.

JOSH
Do you realize what this MEANS?

FRANKIE
That I’m a genius?

JOSH
(sees something)
Uh-oh. Here come the archetypes --

A trio of CHEERLEADERS walk by.
Two scoops of blonde times three.

They glide by the boys.
Bathed in golden sunlight.
Frankie sighs. Stares at --

SHAYLA PETRIE (17),
the head cheerleader.
sees Frankie staring.

Whispers to her friends.
They ERUPT in laughter.

FRANKIE
Shayla Petrie --

JOSH
I can’t believe you
have the hots for her.
She just LAUGHED at you.

FRANKIE
I don’t care. She’s perfect --

JOSH
Hello? Reality check?
She’s WAY out of your league.

FRANKIE
(watches her go)
I don’t care --

JOSH
(tugs on his sleeve)
C’mon, we’re gonna be late for chem lab.
They start walking inside.

FRANKIE
I would KILL to be with her.

JOSH
Careful what you wish for --

HIDING BEHIND A NEARBY TREE
We see Vita, watching them.
She shakes her head sadly.

VITA
Shayla Petrie?
She’s the biggest slut in SCHOOL --

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Plain and ordinary, but comfy. Homey.
We hear SQUEALING and BANGING
from behind a closed door.

Vita’s mother PEGGY (40)
talks on the phone.
Looks freaked out.

PEGGY
Nobody’s come yet.
Can they hurry it up?
It’s making such an awful racket --

DISPATCHER (O.C.)
(electronic)
You don’t need to call
nine-one-one more than once, Ma’am.
An officer should be there any minute.

The doorbell RINGS.

PEGGY
That must them. Thanks, bye --

She hangs up, rushes out
of the room to the --

FRONT DOOR
Where she opens it.
A UNIFORMED OFFICER walks in.

Young. Decent-looking.
Trying very hard not to smile.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
Mrs. Heck?

PEGGY
Please. Call me Peggy.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
Peggy.
(nods)
Officer Beverage.
You reported a wild,
rabid rat invasion?

Meet CHET BEVERAGE (30’s),
small town peace officer.

A bit paunchy from living the good life.
Great with getting cats out of trees.

Never fired his weapon.
On purpose, that is.

PEGGY
Yes, I did.
Thank god you’re here.
Come with me.
I’ll show you --

Rat Race

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, science genius nerd Frankie Stein chases the dead rat he brought back to life ... into the kitchen, where he runs into his mother. Moments later, next door neighbor Vita Heck asks Frankie for a date, which he politely declines ...


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Total suburbia brought to you
by the color beige, dimly lit
by the light coming from
the various appliances.

The rat RACES through the kitchen,
followed by Frankie.

The rat BANGS around the room,
looking for an escape.

Frankie THROWS OPEN the door
to the back yard,
and the rodent FLIES OUT.

He SLAMS the door.
Exhales. Shakes his head.

FRANKIE
Talk about a rat-race.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Is everything okay, honey?

The lights FLIP ON.
Frankie’s mother JULIE (40’s)
stands there in her bathrobe.

Once a great beauty,
now a bit washed-out-looking.

But still appealing,
even fresh-scrubbed.

JULIE
I heard the door slam.
Everything okay?

FRANKIE
(nods)
I was coming in from the back yard.
The wind blew the door shut.

JULIE
What were you doing in the backyard
so late at night?

FRANKIE
Uh -- I was --

JULIE
Never mind.
One of your experiments, right?

FRANKIE
Uh, yeah.

JULIE
Have a seat, boy genius.
I’ll fix you a glass of warm milk.

FRANKIE
Could I, uh -- get a beer?

EXT. FRANKIE’S HOUSE - DAY
Frankie walks out the door.
Starts walking over to his car,
a decrepit, old Volkswagon bus.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hey, Frankie --
He turns and look, sees --

VITA HECK (17), his next-door neighbor.
Your classic tomboy. Hair in a ponytail.
Glasses. Baggy clothes.

Not the stuff of teenage dreams.
But kinda cute if you squint your eyes.

FRANKIE
Hey, Vita. What’s up?

VITA
Finally fixed the motherboard.
Got two-hundred screaming gigs of POWER.

FRANKIE
(distracted)
That’s -- great.

He opens the car door.
Gets in. Starts the engine.
Vita walks over to the car.

VITA
A bunch of us are gonna play
Dungeons and Dragons tonight.
Can I pencil you in as a wizard?

FRANKIE
I haven’t played that
since we were kids --

VITA
I know. I just thought --

FRANKIE
You ask me every week.
And what do I always say?

VITA
Uh, no -- ?

FRANKIE
Don’t get me wrong.
I really appreciate the invite.
No hard feelings?

VITA
Okay --

He nods. Puts the car
in gear and drives away.

She watches the car sadly
as it goes down the street. Sighs.

VITA
I’ve loved you all
these years, Frankie Stein --
and you don’t even know I exist.

If I Close My Eyes Forever

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 1 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, genius science geek Frankie Stein conducts a top-secret experiment in his basement lab ... where he brings a dead rat back to life ...


OVER OPENING TITLES:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACK YARD - FLASHBACK - DAY
Sepia-toned, hand-held,
jittery home video footage of --

A sparse back yard in a subdivision lot.
Tiny, new trees. Wooden fence. Fresh sod.
Brand-new boy’s and girl’s bikes.

A young BOY (10) and girl (10)
look into the camera, smiling.

She’s wearing her best party dress.
He’s in his Sunday best.

He takes her hand,
and they walk over to --

A mock-church altar setup
made with balloons and streamers.

Behind it stands a
SKINNY, SMALLER YOUNG BOY (10)
behind a podium.

He starts performing
a mock marriage ceremony.

CAMERA WHOOSHES around and finds a
PRETTY SUBURBAN MOM (30),
dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

She realizes the camera is on her,
then furiously points off-camera
at the kids.

CAMERA FLIES BACK on the bride and groom,
just as they kiss.

INT. SUBURBAN HOME - BASEMENT - PRESENT DAY - NIGHT
Some cheesy 80’s hair metal ballad
plays on an I-pod stereo.
If I Close My Eyes Forever, indeed.

Your classic wood-panelled rec room.
Now a science lab STUFFED
with a maze of equipment.

Seated at a workbench is FRANKIE STEIN (17).
‘Nerd’ would be compliment.

Think Michael Cera
divided by Jessie Eisenberg.

He’s wearing thick gloves,
sleeves and a big apron.

Frankie looks at a dead RAT
lying on the table, recent roadkill.
Thinking. He nods --

Leans over, starts attaching a series
of electrical cables connected to
suction cups on the rat’s head,
chest, arms and legs. Nods.

Turns to a laptop.
Starts PUNCHING in data.

THE MONITOR
Shows a series of graphs that read
HEART, LUNG and BRAIN.

Each reads zero percent
below them.

FRANKIE
Smiles grimly.

FRANKIE
Rat-tastic.

He picks up a syringe.
SQUIRTS it. Looks at the rat --

FRANKIE
You’re going to feel a small pinch.

And INJECTS it. Frankie then turns to a
TRANSFORMER that the cables are attached to.

He starts flipping a series of switches.
We hear a HUMMING sound.

A NEEDLE
On the transformer starts
moving from left to right.
It approaches the red zone --

FRANKIE
FLIPS DOWN a metal bar, and --

THE RAT
Gets ZAPPED with electricity. BUZZZ.

THE GRAPHS
All JUMP to ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

THE RAT
BOLTS UP in the air.
LEAPS onto Frankie and BITES his arm.

FRANKIE
SHIT --

He GRABS a coffee mug off the table
and WHACKS him in the head with it.

The rat goes FLYING into the air
and lands on the floor.

Starts SCURRYING around,
SMASHING into stuff.

FRANKIE
(looks at his arm)
Kevlar.
The gift that keeps protecting.

He watches the rat RACE
around the room. Then realizes.

FRANKIE
I didn’t close the DOOR --

It goes to the stairs, starts
FLYING up to the first floor.
He CHASES after it.

Do The Right Thing

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey has to process the news that Doc and Jo are her real parents ... and her feelings about Simon ...


EXT. MARINA PIER - DAY
A row of boats gently bob in the water.
A SHERIFF’S BOAT slowly cruises by
at the end of the pier.

Across the way, we see a PATROL CAR
slowly cruising the waterfront.

EXT. HOUSEBOAT - DAY
A pair of COPS walk up the gangplank.
One of them KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKS
on the front door. Sighs.

TIRED COP
I can’t believe we gotta check
EVERY single fucking boat.

BLASE COP
I say they’re long gone.

Tired Cop KNOCK-KNOCKS again.

TIRED COP
Anyone home? It’s the police.

The door FLIES OPEN.
Jo appears, wearing a sexy bathrobe,
holding a tray of freshly-baked cookies.
The cops stare.

JO
Hello, officer.
Sorry it took me a moment.
I was just taking these
cookies out of the oven.
Would you like one?
They’re chocolate chip --
(big smile)
And still warm.

TIRED COP
(takes a couple)
Yeah, sure. Thanks.

BLASE COP
(takes one, bites into it)
You seen anybody suspicious-looking
hangin’ around?

JO
You mean like those bank robbers?

BLASE COP
Yeah.

JO
No, I’m sorry.
I was sure hoping to, though.
(winks)
Gets kinda lonely all alone
here on the boat.
(nudges him)
If you know what I mean.

The cops exchange looks.

BLASE COP
Would you mind if we came in
and took a look around?

Jo reaches down. Unties her robe.
It falls open.

JO
C’mon in, the water’s wet.

TIRED COP
(to Blase)
On second thought --

BLASE COP
(looks away)
Sorry we bothered you, Ma’am.
Have a good day.

They turn. Start walking away.

JO
Hey, wait a minute.
I’ve got a full liquor cabinet --
(watches them go)
Don’tcha wanna PARTY?

INT. HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jo puts the plate of cookies
on the coffee table
in front of the couch.

Walks over to a fake
Persian rug on the floor.
Pulls it aside. Reaches down.
Opens a trap door. Looks down.

JO
They’re gone.

Doc climbs up. Then Kelsey. Then Simon.

DOC
Thank god. Kinda cramped down there.

KELSEY
You baked cookies --

SIMON
(takes one)
Smells great.

Kelsey takes one.
Bites into it. Looks at them.

DOC
So are you -- okay?
I understand if you’re -- upset.

JO
You probably -- have a lot of questions.
Want to -- talk about it.

She takes another bite. Thinking.

KELSEY
Can we talk later?
Right now I just wanna sleep for a year.
(takes another cookie)
After I have a bunch of these.

DOC
We thought we were doing
the right thing, Kelsey.

JO
We’re really sorry.

KELSEY
(softly)
I know.

DOC
We were hoping maybe
we could start over again.

KELSEY
I’d like that.

She chews some more.
Then, the barest hint of a smile.

KELSEY
So what do think about me
and Simon getting married?
(beat)
Mom? Dad?

Doc and Jo exchange glances.
Then look at her.

SIMON
Kelsey?

KELSEY
C’mon. We’d make a great team.
And we’d all be a family.

He looks at Doc. Speechless.

DOC
You’re on your own, kid.

She finishes her cookie.
Rubs her hands on her hips.
Goes to him. Puts them on his.

KELSEY
You need to THINK about it?

SIMON
No, no -- I, I -- uh --

KELSEY
Then shut up and kiss me, wheelman.

She leans into him. He drops his cookie.
They kiss. Softly. Tenderly.
Then more passionately.

Start to go at it, hot and heavy.
No one else in the world.

Doc and Jo watch. Big smiles.
She taps him on the shoulder. He nods.
They start to leave, as we --

FADE TO BLACK

Family Affair

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Thursday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 62 of BABY HEISTER, dirty cop Flint Cole tries to ambush Kelsey and the gang in their houseboat hideout, but is quickly dispatched, but then Kelsey really gets blown away when she learns who her parents really are ...


INT. HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

FLINT
Appears in the doorway.
A bloody mess. He GRABS Kelsey.

KELSEY
HEY.

JAMS his gun against her head.

JO
Ducks down behind the couch.
Scampers away.

FLINT
Smiles at Kelsey.

FLINT
Getting a bit nippy out.
Bet your nippies are nice and hard.

DOC
Put the gun down, Flint.
Let’s talk about this.

FLINT
There’s nothing to talk about, old man.
NOBODY crosses me, GOT it?

DOC
You can have the money.
Just let go of her.
Take me instead.

A GUN WITH A SILENCER
appears next to Flint’s head.

JO
Get your hands
off my fucking DAUGHTER.

Reveal JO. Gripping the weapon.
Quivering with rage.

THWIP. THWIP. THWIP.
Flint’s head EXPLODES.
Kelsey SCREAMS.

His body hits the floor, THWUNK.
She looks at the body. Shudders.
Looks up, eyes bright with tears.

KELSEY
Doc?

DOC
It’s a long story.

KELSEY
Jo?

JO
I was forty.
Still the con artist about town.
Didn’t want to be -- tied down.

DOC
Chelle couldn’t have kids.

JO
We thought it would --
calm them down.

DOC
Didn’t work.
(mumbles to himself)
They were so reckless.

JO
We were going to tell you.
We were just waiting for the right --

DOC
After the funeral --
seemed too soon.
Then we both kept --

JO
Putting it off --

DOC
And here we are.

Kelsey stares at them.
Speechless. In shock.

SIMON
Oh, shit.

DOC
What’s wrong?

SIMON
Asshole must have left a
trail of blood leading right to us.
(off their looks)
I’ll go outside and clean it up.

Darryl Rooker appears in the doorway.
Aiming his gun.

DARRYL
Like following a trail of bread crumbs.
What was that old fairy tail?
(sickly smile)
Doc Hazard. We meet at last.

DOC
I’m tingly all over.

Darryl reaches into his jacket
for his cell phone.

DARRYL
Nobody move a muscle.
I’m gonna call for back up.

Everybody stares while he dials.
Listens. Makes a face.

DARRYL
Godammit. No reception --

KELSEY
(pulls hers out)
Wanna use mine?

He looks at her.
Then the phone.

DARRYL
Yeah. Just don’t try any --

FAST AS LIGHTNING she
SMASHES IT in his face, CRACK.

GRABS his head.
BANGS it against the wall.
And again. And again.
SCREAMS. Lets go.

His body hits the floor,
THUMP. Lights out.

She stares at Doc and Jo.
A tear slides down her cheek.

Ship-Shape

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 61 of BABY HEISTER, as the cops start to close in on them, Doc, Kelsey, Jo and Simon make their escape to a safe house in the marina ... in a house boat.


INT. POLICE CRUISER - MOVING - DAY
Costello drives.
Darryl Rooker rides shotgun.

Talks on his cell phone.
Looks REALLY pissed off.

DARRYL
I KNOW he’s not answering
his fucking phone.
Where the fuck IS he?
(listens)
Marina Del Rey?
(listens)
Send as many units as you’ve got.
Then call the Sheriff’s.
(listens)
Copy THAT.

He CLICKS his phone shut.
Looks at Costello.

DARRYL
To the marina, and step on it.

COSTELLO
Think they’re gonna try
and get away in a boat?

DARRYL
Gee, ya think so?

INT. VW BUS - DAY
Simon sits behind the wheel.
Jo sits next to him.

Doc and Kelsey sit in
the back with the money,
which is now a massive amount.

Doc closes the curtains
on the back windows.

DOC
Okay, let’s go.

Simon starts the engine.
Drives out of the parking lot --
just as a trio of SQUAD CARS,
lights FLASHING, sirens
BLARING pass by them,
ROAR over to the truck
and SCREECH to a halt.

EXT. MARINA PARKING LOT - DAY
A BEEFY COP opens the
back door to the semi,
revealing the Dumpster.

Darryl Rooker looks out
his window. Sees it. Nods.

DARRYL
(to Costello)
Call the Marina Sheriffs.
Have them seal off the channel.

COSTELLO
Yes, sir.
(beat)
But what if they’re already at sea?

DARRYL
Then call the Coast Guard.
Have them stop EVERY BOAT.
I’ll call the FBI.
Have them send some choppers.

EXT. HOUSEBOAT - DAY
An old, wooden, two-story joint
from an era gone by.

It would be kinda quaint
if it didn’t look like
it was falling apart.
But it’s still oddly homey-looking.

INT. HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
‘That Seventies Boat.’
All knotty pine.

Curtains drawn.
Stuffed with old furniture.
Hanging plants. Nautical shit.

Doc, Jo, Kelsey and Simon walk around,
inspecting the joint.

KELSEY
This is so COOL.

DOC
We can hole up here
for good long while.
Zulf stocked the fridge
and the pantry.
We got satellite TV,
a full bar.

JO
I’ll do some cleaning
and spruce the place up.
It’ll feel like home.
(smiles at Kelsey)
Kelsey will help me.
Won’t you, hun?

KELSEY
Sure. Of course.

JO
C’mon, let me show you the galley.

KELSEY
Okay. Let me close the door.
(walks toward the door)
It’s starting to get a bit --

FLINT
Appears in the doorway.
A bloody mess.
He GRABS Kelsey.

KELSEY
HEY --

Half Baked

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 60 of BABY HEISTER,


INT. FLINT’S CROWN VIC - MOVING - DAY
The car sits in traffic
waiting for a red light.

DOC
Cut through that gas station.
Then take a right on Ocean Park.

FLINT
Alright, alright --

EXT. LINCOLN AVENUE - CONTINUOUS
The Crown Vic cuts diagonally
through a gas station,
starts heading west.

INT. SEMI TRAILER - DAY
A pile of garbage sits on one side
of the Dumpster truck.
The bags of money on the other.

Simon stands in the front
with a long two-by-four.
Jo, with a length of steel pipe.

And Kelsey, with a piece of glass
tied to a broom handle.

KELSEY
Okay. This is how we’re gonna do it --

EXT. MARINA PARKING LOT - DAY
Flint’s Crown Vic pulls up
alongside the semi.
He and Doc get out.

Eb climbs down out of the cabin.
Walks over.

EB
How’d it go at the cop shop?

FLINT
Like taking candy from a retard.
Let’s open up the tin can.

They walk over to the truck.
He climbs up the back.

Unlocks the door.
Opens them, revealing --

The Dumpster truck.
Trash on the right.

Money bags on the left.
But no Kelsey, Simon or Jo.

EB
Hey. Where’d they go?

FLINT
Stupid redneck.
They’re hiding in the Dumpster.

KELSEY (O.C.)
We’re not hiding. We’re resting.

FLINT
(pulls out his gun)
Just as well. Makes it easier.

DOC
Makes WHAT easier?

FLINT
Did you REALLY think I was gonna
SHARE the money with YOU?
A career CRIMINAL?

DOC
You’re a fucking piece of shit,
you know that?

FLINT
That may be, but I’m a fucking
RICH piece of shit.
(to Eb)
Start unloading the bags into my car.
I’ll take care of the Dumpster-divers.

Eb nods. Climbs in.
Grabs a couple of bags.

Kelsey LEAPS up. JABS
her spear into his eye. CRUNCH.

EB
GAAA --

FLINT
FUCK.

Flint SHOOTS at her.
She DIVES back down.

Bullets PING, PING, PING
off the Dumpster.
Doc WHIPS OUT his gun.

SHOOTS Flint in the head. BANG.
He falls over, dead. THUMP.

DOC
Asshole.

Kelsey, Simon and Jo appear.
Climb down out of the truck.

KELSEY
I saw you empty the clip.

DOC
I did.
(beat)
But I still had one in the chamber.
(beat)
Throw ‘em in the Dumpster, quick.
Somebody might’ve heard the gunshots.

Kelsey and Simon pick up Flint.
Carry him up into the truck.

JO
We gotta problem, Doc.
His car ain’t big enough
to carry all the money
and the four of us.

DOC
I know, we gotta find a new ride.

An OLD, YELLOW VW HIPPIE BUS
comes into frame.

Covered in bumper stickers.
Pictures of dolphins.

Driven by the requisite
GREASY STONER DUDE (30’s).
He leans out the window.

GREASY STONER DUDE
You guys hear a gunshot?
I coulda sworn I heard a gunshot.

DOC
Car backfired.
Sorry if we scared you.

GREASY STONER DUDE
Right on.

Jo nudges Doc.
Nods at the bus. Doc nods.
Walks over to Stoner’s car window.

DOC
I know this is
gonna sound strange,
but I was wondering
if we could swap vehicles.

GREASY STONER DUDE
Huh?

DOC
We wanna go on a camping trip,
and our car just ain’t big enough.

GREASY STONER DUDE
What the fuck are YOU smoking --
and do you got any more?
This is my RIDE, bro. My baby.
She’s taken me to Woodstock,
Bonarroo, Coachella --

Kelsey appears. Holds up
a big wads of banded bills.

KELSEY
Will this take care of it?

GREASY STONER DUDE
(GRABS it)
DUDE, you gotta DEAL.

Def Traffic Jam

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 59 of BABY HEISTER, as dirty cop Flint Cole and robbery gang leader Doc Hazard make their way to Flint's hideout with the stolen loot, robbery-homicide chief Darryl Rooker tracks their location ...


INT. FLINT’S CROWN VIC - MOVING - DAY
Flint Drives.
Cigarette dangling on his lip.

Doc stares out the passenger-side
window. Sullen.

FLINT
After all this time,
we’re finally partners.
Life sure is strange, huh?

DOC
It’ll be a cold day in Wassilla
when we become partners.

Flint sees his exit.
Hits the turn signal.

Starts making the turn
onto the off-ramp.

DOC
Don’t take Lincoln.
You’ll get stuck in traffic.
Ocean Avenue’s better.

FLINT
This is more direct.
Just sit back and
leave the driving to us.

EXT. FREEWAY OFF RAMP - LINCOLN AVENUE - DAY
Flint’s Crown Vic turns off the ramp,
heads south on Lincoln.
Gets immediately caught in traffic.

IN THE CAR
Doc smiles. Shakes his head.

DOC
Good one, partner.

FLINT
Shut the fuck up.

DOC
What’s the hurry?
It’s not like we have
twenty million in the back seat.

Flint glares at him.
His phone RINGS. He picks up.

FLINT
This is Cole --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. TASK FORCE HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS
Darryl Rooker sits at his desk on the phone.
Costello stands next to him. Fists clenched.

DARRYL
Any news? You see them yet?

FLINT
I’m right behind ‘em,
but there’s too much traffic.
Gonna stay in pursuit until
they get off the freeway.

Darryl turns, looks at --

ANOTHER COP SITTING AT A NEARBY DESK
Wearing headphones, listening on
electronic tracking equipment.
He nods. Gives a thumbs-up.

DARRYL
Grimaces in the phone.

DARRYL
Okay, just don’t lose sight of them.

FLINT
You got it.
I’ll call you back
when I get the fuckers.

They both CLICK their phones shut.

A STERN-LOOKING FBI AGENT
In a sharp suit appears
next to Headphone Cop.

STERN-LOOKING FBI AGENT
We cool?

HEADPHONE COP
Ice-cold.

Darryl comes into frame. Anxious.

DARRYL
But that wasn’t long enough to --

STERN-LOOKING FBI AGENT
Not with your antiquated
piece-of-shit call-tracing.

But with OUR state-of-the-art
satellite def-jam, we can
triangulate his exact location
through his cell phone.
(to Headphones)
And the winner IS?

HEADPHONE COP
(reading the screen)
They’re on Lincoln Avenue
in Santa Monica, heading south --
(smiles)
And it looks like
they’re stuck in traffic.

DARRYL
(to Costello)
Send as many units as we’ve got.
We’re finally gonna GET this fucker.

Monkey Shines

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 58 of BABY HEISTER, Jo, Simon and Kelsey get ready to surprise their captors ... by fighting back. Meanwhile, Dirty cop Flint Cole and his hostage Doc race toward them with the stolen loot ...


EXT. MARINA - PARKING LOT - DAY
The semi is parked at the far end
of a parking lot near a commercial slip
where large vessels are berthed.

Boats for parties.
Fishing trips. Whale watching.

Eb gets out of the cab.
Walks over to the rear doors.

Opens them. Climbs up.
Pulls out his piece.

INT. SEMI TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
Simon climbs out of the Dumpster
truck cab. Looks at Eb.

SIMON
Hey. No need to point that at me.
We’re your submissive bitches, remember?

EB
Jus’ making sure you ain’t
gonna pull no monkey-shines.
Now start takin’ the
money bags outta the dumpster.
They gonna be here soon.

Eb SLAMS the door shut.
The padlock CLICKS.
Kelsey and Jo climb out of the truck.

KELSEY
Okay. Let’s get started.

JO
Look for stuff we can use as weapons.

KELSEY
But Flint said if we tried anything --

JO
Honey, you don’t know Doc.
Not only IS he gonna try something,
he’s gonna expect US to.
No way in HELL is he gonna
let them get away with
ONE DOLLAR of our nest egg.

INT. TASK FORCE HEADQUARTERS - AT THAT MOMENT
Darryl Rooker sits at his desk
talking on the phone.

He SPITS OUT his coffee.
Face turns beet-red.

DARRYL
They WHAT?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - OFFICE - DAY
A small, cramped space
filled with police shit.

Piles of file folders.
Plaques and framed commendations
on the walls.

Bald, Black Cop sits behind his desk.
Glares at Rooker.

BALD, BLACK COP
You heard me. They fucking SHOT
Rodriguez AND another officer.

DARRYL
And they just -- got away?

BALD, BLACK COP
Yeah. But one of the officers ID’d them.

DARRYL
Who the fuck WAS it?

BALD, BLACK COP
You’re never gonna believe it --

DARRYL
Fucking TRY me.

BALD, BLACK COP
Flint Cole -- and Doc Hazard.

Safe Keeping

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 56 of BABY HEISTER, bank robber Doc Hazard and dirty cop Flint Cole steal Doc's life savings back from the police precinct evidence room in a hail of bullets ...


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - EVIDENCE ROOM - DAY
A large room filled with rows of
metal shelves stacked with boxes.
Rodriguez leads them down a narrow aisle.

RODRIGUEZ
Let’s see -- Harrold, Hatfield, Hazard.
(points at a box, smiles)
Knock yourself out.

FLINT
What about the cash?

RODRIGUEZ
That’s in a separate cage in the back.

Flint pulls out a gun with a silencer.
Pokes him with it.

FLINT
Then let’s go open it.

RODRIGUEZ
Cole. Stop fucking around.

FLINT
I’m not fucking around, Hector.

RODRIGUEZ
You’ll lose your badge for sure this time.

FLINT
Gee, ya think?

RODRIGUEZ
(looks at Doc)
He’s not a screenwriter, is he?

FLINT
Can’t get anything past you, huh.
(POKES him in the stomach)
C’mon, MOVE it. I don’t got all day.

Rodriguez sighs. Starts walking.
They follow him to a separate caged room
with boxes and bags in it.

He opens the door with a key.
Shakes his head.

RODRIGUEZ
You realize I’ll have to
call this in after you leave.

Flint raises the gun to
Rodriguez’ head. FIRES. BANG.

His skull EXPLODES
like a watermelon. SPLAT.

FLINT
Whoops.

DOC
Jesus fucking Christ, Cole.
Did you have to do THAT?

FLINT
Shut the fuck up and find the bags.

Doc shakes his head with disgust.
Goes into the room.

Looks around. Sees the two giant
black duffles. Points.

DOC
Those two.

FLINT
Bring ‘em out. We’ll each carry one.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - BASEMENT CORRIDOR - DAY
Flint and Doc hustle toward
the stairwell exit with the bags.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Holy SHIT. Rodriguez’s been SHOT.

Flint opens the door.
They start RUNNING up the stairs.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - EVIDENCE ROOM - DAY
A BALD, BLACK COP (40’s)
stands next to Rodriguez’ body.
In shock. SHOUTS into his cell.

BALD, BLACK COP
Seal the building --

IN THE STAIRWELL
A siren starts WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOPING
on the PA.

Flint and Doc RACE up the stairs,
reach the top, huffing and puffing.

Flint GRABS the door,
FLINGS it open, to reveal --

AN ANGRY COP
Running right toward them.

FLINT
SHOOTS him in the chest.
THWIP. THWIP. THWIP.

His midsection EXPLODES in a sea of red.
Body HITS the tiles, THWUMP.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - CORRIDOR - EXIT - CONTINUOUS
Flint and Doc RUN to the exit.
SMASH through the door, into --

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - PARKING LOT - DAY
They TEAR ASS toward Flint’s car,
bags BANGING against their legs.

Bald, Black Cop RUNS out the door.
Draws his gun.

BALD, BLACK COP
Stop or I’ll SHOOT.

Flint WHIRLS AROUND. SHOOTS him.
THWIP. His head EXPLODES.

They JUMP in the car, just as COPS
start pouring out of the building.

Flint JAMS the car into gear
and ROARS away.

Easy As Pie

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 55 of BABY HEISTER, Simon, Kelsey and Jo get ready to ambush dirty cop Flint Cole. Meanwhile, Flint and Doc get ready to steal Doc's stash from the police precinct evidence room ...


INT. SEMI TRAILER - REAR COMPARTMENT - MOVING - DAY
Simon, Kelsey and Jo sit
on the floor in the rear.

SIMON
This fucking sucks.

KELSEY
Don’t worry. We’ll figure something out.
(looks at Jo)
Right?

JO
Motherfucker made a BIG mistake.
No one messes with DOC.

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - PARKING LOT - DAY
Flint’s Crown Vic pulls into the lot. Parks
.
INT. FLINT’S CROWN VIC - DAY
Flint shuts off the engine. Looks at Doc.

FLINT
Now don’t shit your pants.
This is gonna go real smooth.
Everyone I work with is
at the command center.
And the shift doesn’t change until two,
so there’s almost no one around.

DOC
So how we gonna do this?

FLINT
Evidence room is downstairs.
Stairwell isn’t far from the rear exit.
We go in quick, grab the duffles
and slide back out. Easy as pie.

DOC
What if someone recognizes me?

Flint hands him a baseball cap and shades.

FLINT
Put these on and you’ll look like a dick.

DOC
No shit.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - CORRIDOR - DAY
Linoleum floor. Pale puke cinder block walls.
Flint leads Doc down the hallway.
Deserted. No one around.

They reach the door to a stairwell.
Flint grabs the knob. Opens it. Bows.

FLINT
Heisters first.

Doc shakes his head.
Heads on down. Flint follows.

IN THE STAIRWELL
Doc goes down the steps,
Flint right behind him.

FLINT
Think I’m gonna like being
on your side of the law.

DOC
Were you ever on the right side?

FLINT
You had a good run, old timer --
but you finally met your match.

They get to the bottom.

DOC
Let me go first.

He opens the door. They walk into --

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - BASEMENT CORRIDOR - DAY
They walk down the hallway silently.
Make a turn.

Arrive at a caged area with a
FAT LATINO COP (50’s)
sitting behind a desk.

Flint walks over to the doorway.
Raps on the cage.

FLINT
Rodriguez, you fat fuck.
You STILL down here?
I thought they retired your refried ass.

Rodriguez gets up. Smiles. Walks over.

RODRIGUEZ
Well, if it ain’t detective Serpico,
outta the gutter and back on the take.
(looks at Doc)
Who ya got with you?
Too old to be your new partner.

FLINT
This here’s Gus.
He’s a screenwriter,
doing research for a TV show.

RODRIGUEZ
Really? What’s it called?

DOC
The Heisters.

FLINT
It’s pretty cool.
About a family of bank robbers.

RODRIGUEZ
Oh, wow. That does sound cool.
(brightens)
Like Doc Hazard and his gang.

FLINT
As a matter of fact,
that’s why we’re here.

RODRIGUEZ
Right. I heard you were on that case.
(unlocks the door, opens it --
C’mon in.

Leave The Driving To Us

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 54 of BABY HEISTER, the cops get tipped off about Doc's gang's bank robbery, and head over to the scene of the crime. Meanwhile, Doc and Kelsey tangle with rogue cop Flint Cole, who holds them hostage ...


INT. ABANDONED GROCERY STORE - DAY
Costello SLAMS down the phone.
RACES over to Darryl’s desk,
where he sits and chats
with Flint over cups of coffee.

COSTELLO
Chief, the First National Bank
of California’s been hit.
Main branch, downtown.

FLINT
The bank where the Hazards were killed?
I thought it was closed for repairs.

COSTELLO
It was, but now it’s done.

DARRYL
And they were delivering all
the money they’d need today --

Another COP (40’s) African-American,
built like a linebacker, salt and pepper,
approaches them, excited.

LINEBACKER COP
Chief. We just a call from
a guy at a gas station.
Recognized Doc and his crew
when they stopped to refuel.

DARRYL
WHERE?

LINEBACKER COP
Near a freeway entrance.
Said they’re heading east on the ten.
Big U-Haul.

DARRYL
Call the Highway Patrol.
Have them set up a roadblock.

LINEBACKER COP
One step ahead of you.

Flint gets up.
Starts heading toward the door.

FLINT
I’m gonna catch those fuckers.

DARRYL
They gotta BIG lead on you.
You’ll never catch them.

He GRABS the knob.
Turns. Looks. Sneers.

FLINT
You haven’t seen ME drive.

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - DAY
A ramshackle joint from
the turn of the century.

The Dumpster truck pulls up
to the entrance. HONKS once.
Then twice again.

The doors slowly open inward.
The truck drives in.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A giant space. Almost big enough
to be an airplane hanger.

Parked off to the side is
a giant semi tractor-trailer,
back doors open,
with a ramp leading up inside it.

Flint stands near it,
along with EB PICKER (40’s),
a giant redneck trucker right out
of central casting.

Holding a shotgun. Chewing tobacco.
Confederate flag hat. The works.

IN THE DUMPSTER TRUCK
Kelsey looks at Doc. Shakes her head.

KELSEY
I don’t like it.

DOC
Don’t have any choice.

SIMON
Who’s the scary-looking dude next to him?

DOC
Must be the driver.

KELSEY
How do we know we can trust them?

DOC
Fifteen million bucks says so.
And besides, we now have protection.
He’ll keep the law away from us.
(opens his door)
C’mon. Let’s get it over with.

They get out of the truck.
Flint and Eb walk over.

FLINT
Well, if it isn’t the
Cooch In The Wall Gang.

DOC
Cole.

FLINT
Okay. Here’s how it’s gonna work.
Eb here gave the cops an anonymous tip
that you’re heading east
on the ten freeway in a U-Haul,
so the cops are looking for you there.
Meanwhile, he’s gonna take you
to the Marina where your boat is.

EB
(CRACKS the shotgun)
Leave the drivin’ to us.

FLINT
You’ll wait there while Doc
and I go get his dough.
(to Doc)
If I don’t return safely, they die.
And if they get cute, you’re toast.
(cackles)
Sometimes I’m so brilliant
I can’t fucking take it.
(off their stares)
Okay. Toss your guns on the floor
and let’s get this show on the fuckin’ ROAD.

Kelsey, Simon and Jo toss them. Look pissed.
Eb starts picking them up.

DOC
If we’re going to rob a police precinct,
I’d like to keep mine.

FLINT
Sorry, pop. No can do.
(off his stare)
You’ll get it back. Promise.

DOC
What if I take out the bullets?

He carefully pulls out his Magnum.
Racks out the clip.

Opens it. Dumps the bullets
on the floor. Holds it up.

Shows it’s empty.
SHOVES it back in, CLICK. Flint smiles.

FLINT
That’ll work.

Take Me Back To Paradise City

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 53 of BABY HEISTER, after the gang successfully robs the bank, Doc gives Kelsey some shocking news ... that the night before the robbery, while she and Simon were out killing the Yakuza gang leader that shot her parents, they got busted by rogue cop Flint Cole, who now wants to split the loot with them ...


INT. BANK - MANAGER’S OFFICE - DAY
A small space with the usual functional furniture.
Doc and Jo look at Big Bank Guard and Beige Manager,
now handcuffed, sitting on the floor,
facing away from each other.

DOC
What time do the other employees get here?

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
Any minute now.

DOC
Then we’ll make this fast.

Jo puts a piece of duct tape
on Big Guard’s mouth.
RIPS off another piece for Beige.

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
Do you really have to --

JO
(SLAPS it on)
Yeah. We really do.

EXT. BANK - BACK ALLEY - DAY
Simon and Kelsey throw in the last bag
of money into the Dumpster.
We see Kelsey’s back in her coveralls.

Doc and Jo come out. They help them
throw in lumber to cover the money.

Kelsey and Simon close the
rear door to the armored car.
Lock it with the guards’ keys.

Get in the truck.
Simon behind the wheel, Kelsey beside him,
Doc and Jo in the rear compartment
behind the cab.

Simon GUNS the engine, and
they start off down the alley.

INT. DUMPSTER TRUCK - MOVING - DAY
Simon POUNDS the steering wheel.

SIMON
We fucking DID it.

KELSEY
(sings)
Take me down to Paradise City, where
the cash is green and the girls are gritty --

Doc leans into the cab. Looks serious.

DOC
We need to talk.
Something went down last night.

EXT. BANK - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
A pair of BANK EMPLOYEES (20’s)
stand at the front door.

A HOT TELLER presses a buzzer.
Looks at the other, a
CHUBBY HISPANIC ASSISTANT MANAGER.

HOT TELLER
Still no answer.

CHUBBY HISPANIC ASSISTANT MANAGER
(peers in the window)
That’s strange. Maybe they’re
around back because of the delivery. C’mon.

INT. DUMPSTER TRUCK - MOVING - DAY
Doc looks at Kelsey. Then Simon. White-faced.

DOC
When the two of you went off to
take care of the Yakuza, we got busted.
(off their looks of shock)
Undercover dick by the name of Flint Cole.
Found us in the hotel, but didn’t
let on to the other cops.
Saw an opportunity.

KELSEY
Why didn’t you TELL us?

DOC
Didn’t want you to be distracted.
If we fucked up the job,
we’d be really fucked.

KELSEY
So what happens now?

DOC
In exchange for helping us escape with the dough --
which he gets a cut of, by the way --
he wants half the stash.

SIMON
The bloody BASTARD.

KELSEY
But the cops have it.

DOC
Yeah. But he knows where it is,
and how to get it back -- if we help him.

Second Time's A Charm

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 52 of BABY HEISTER, Doc, Kelsey, Jo and Simon arrive at the bank where Kelsey's parents were killed trying to rob it ... and proceed to rob it again ...


EXT. BACK ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER
Simon sits in the truck,
the Dumpster in front of the exit,
leaving just enough room
for someone to squeeze by.

AT THE END OF THE ALLEY
The ARMORED TRUCK arrives.

Comes to a stop behind the Dumpster.
The driver HONKS his horn.

Simon looks in his rear view mirror.
Gets out of the truck.

Starts walking over the armored car.
Waving and smiling.

Kelsey starts coming down the alley
on the opposite side.

Both guards in the truck stare at her.
Simon walks up to the driver-side window.
Driver sees him.

DRIVER
Move the Dumpster. It’s in the way.

Simon pretends he can’t hear.
Silently moves his mouth like he’s talking.
Driver opens the door, starts to get out.

Just at that moment, Kelsey approaches
the passenger side door.

Pulls out a cigarette.
RAPS on the window.

KELSEY
Hey. You gotta light?

PASSENGER-SIDE GUARD
No, sorry.

She gets closer. Smiles.
Passenger-Side stares. Wow.

ON THE OTHER SIDE
Driver Guard gets in Simon’s face.

DRIVER
I said MOVE the fucking DUMPSTER.

Simon CLIPS Driver on the head with his gun,
knocking him to the ground.

Passenger Side sees,
reaches for his weapon --
as Simon JUMPS in the cab,
JAMS his gun in his face.

SIMON
Ever heard the expression
‘explodes in a red mist?’

IN THE REAR COMPARTMENT
The THIRD GUARD tries
working the radio, without success.

THIRD GUARD
Hello? Hello? Come in, GODDAMMIT.
We’re being ROBBED.

AT THE END OF THE ALLEY
A panel truck backs up to the armored car.
Jo gets out.

AT THE BANK EXIT
Doc stands to the side of the door.
Jo joins on the other side.

They pull out Uzis. Nod to each other.
The door OPENS. Out comes a BIG BANK GUARD.

Sees the Dumpster blocking the way.
Doc presses his Uzi against his chest.

DOC
Make a move and you’re shredded beef.

SIMON AND KELSEY
Press their guns against the guards’ heads.
Take their guns.

KELSEY
Take out your keys and open the door.

They reach into their pockets.
Start pulling them out.

SIMON
Slowly. No sudden movements.

KELSEY
We don’t wanna hurt anybody.

In unison, they open the door -- revealing
THIRD GUARD, crouched on one knee.
Gun aimed at them with both hands.

THIRD GUARD
Shit.

KELSEY
Toss it, NOW.

He does.

SIMON
Get out.

IN THE BANK
Doc and Jo walk Big Bank Guard toward the back.

The MANAGER, a puffy, corporate type in beige
wearing a goatee and glasses sees him.
Then Doc and Jo. Their guns.

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
Wh-what’s going on?

DOC
What does it look like?

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
AGAIN?

DOC
Second time’s a charm.
(beat)
In your office, NOW.

He stares. Open-mouthed.

JO
You heard the man. MOVE IT.

IN THE PANEL TRUCK
Simon handcuffs the guards to a steel pole
just under the ceiling of the compartment.
Kelsey holds a gun on them.

DRIVER
You’ll never get away with this.

Simon STUFFS a rag in his mouth.

SIMON
Watch us.

The Way Of The Gun

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 51 of BABY HEISTER, Doc discovers that Kelsey killed the Yakuza gang leader that murdered her parents Griff and Chelle, and is surprisingly cool with it ... and then he, Kelsey, Jo and Simon begin their robbery of the bank where Griff and Chelle got killed trying to rob it ...


INT. SHITTY MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
Kelsey sits on the toilet seat
wearing a tank top.

Simon ties a bandage around
her upper arm tightly,
making a tourniquet.

KELSEY
Ow.

SIMON
It’s gotta be tight.
And you’re gonna have
to see a doctor soon.
If it gets infected,
you’re fucked.

KELSEY
I’ll go after the job.
Hurry up and finish
before they wake up.

DOC (O.C.)
What’s going, Kelsey? What happened?

Reveal Doc. Standing in the doorway.

KELSEY
Doc.

DOC
What happened to your arm?

Pause.

KELSEY
We, uh -- visited the Yakuza.

DOC
Did you kill him?

KELSEY
Yeah.
(beat)
Please don’t be mad.

Doc stares at her. Sighs.

DOC
Fuck it. Bastard’s dead,
and you didn’t get caught.

KELSEY
You’re not -- mad at me?

DOC
Life’s too short. C’mon.
Jo’s got a first aid kit.
We’ll get you fixed up in a jiffy.

Kelsey stares, open-mouthed.
Doc CLAP-CLAPS his hands.

DOC
C’mon, let’s get a move on.
We’ve places to go,
people to see,
banks to rob.

INT. EMPTY STORE - DAY
An empty space with a cement floor.
Construction equipment. Piles of lumber.
The gang wears coveralls and hard hats.

Simon stands at a makeshift table
with a metal box on it.

He FLICKS a switch.
A red light starts BLINKING.

SIMON
Simon says SCRAMBLED.

A HONK-HONK from outside.

DOC
Dumpster’s here. Places, please.

Simon, Doc and Jo pull goggles
down from their helmets.

Scarves up from around their necks.
Faces now covered.

IN THE ALLEY
The Dumpster truck rolls to a stop
in front of the store.

Simon walks up to it. Waves.
The DRIVER (20’s),
big and burly, gets out.
Climbs down carrying a clipboard.

SIMON
Boy, am I glad to see you.
My boss is gonna have my ass.

BURLY DRIVER
Got a lot of shit, huh?

Simon CLIPS him on the head
with his gun. He falls, THWUNK.

IN THE STORE
Doc looks at Kelsey.

DOC
It’s showtime, baby heister.

Kelsey nods.
Unzips her coveralls.
Steps out of them.

Now resplendent in
Daisy Dukes and a tight,
denim top knotted
above her belly button.

She takes off her hard hat.
Undoes her ponytail.

Shakes her hair free.
Puts it back on.

Then mirrored shades.
Applies blood-red lipstick.

KELSEY
Think this’ll work?

DOC
Won’t know what hit ‘em --

Hot And Heavy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 50 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey finally grieves for the death of her parents, and then gets up close and personal with Simon. Meanwhile, robbery-homicide chief Darryl Rooker finds out about the death of the Yakuza gang leader that killed Kelsey's parents, and realizes she did it ...


INT. SHITTY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Kelsey sits on the mattress.
Holding a bottle of Jack.

Takes a big swig.
Wipes her mouth with her sleeve.

We see she’s been crying.
Eyes are red.

Simon comes in from the bathroom.

SIMON
Are you okay?

KELSEY
No, I’m NOT okay.
(sniffles)
I’m a LONG way away from THAT.

He sits down next to her.
Strokes her hair.

SIMON
Maybe you should take it easy with that.
We gotta big job tomorrow.

She hands him the bottle.
He takes a swig. Grimaces.

KELSEY
I thought I’d feel better, you know?

SIMON
Maybe you’re finally grieving.
(off her look)
A lot of people keep it bottled up.
Afraid it would hurt too much.

And that does it.
The floodgates open.

Kelsey starts SOBBING.
Simon takes her into his arms.
Holds her tight.

SIMON
It’s okay. Let it out.
Let it out.

Kelsey cries and cries.
Heaving, wracking sobs of pain.

Then pulls away.
Eyes full of grief.

KELSEY
I never really KNEW them.
(gasps)
It was all a LIE.
(a whisper)
And now I’m just LIKE them.

She GRABS him for dear life.
Starts kissing him.

They start going at it.
Hot and heavy.

She hungrily starts
pulling his shirt off.

He grabs her belt.
Starts undoing it --

And they fall onto the bed
in a writhing, twisting,
tormented tornado of passion.
Consuming each other for dear life.

INT. ABANDONED GROCERY STORE - DAY
The task force HQ
is a beehive of activity.

Cops sit at work stations
working computers. On the phone.

The big map on the wall
now has dozens of marks on it.

Flint and Darryl sit at a desk
with a box of donuts
and cups of coffee.

Flint picks up a bear claw.
Throws it down.

FLINT
My teeth are rotting
just looking at this shit.
I want a real breakfast.

DARRYL
There’s a Mickey D’s
around the corner.
You want me to send --

FLINT
I said a REAL breakfast.

Costello walks over to them.
Looks excited.

COSTELLO
Chief, I got something.
You know that Yakuza gang leader
that was out on bail awaiting trial?

FLINT
The one who killed Doc’s
son and his wife?

COSTELLO
Yeah. He was shot
and killed last night.
Witnesses say young a girl did it.

DARRYL
Hot? About eighteen?

COSTELLO
Bingo.

FLINT
(looks at Darryl, smiles)
Looks like Doc’s little girl
just went over to the dark side --