Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Spin The Dickhead
Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 24 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty ropes in her latest victim, a movie studio hack -- who just made the biggest mistake of his soon to be short life -- when he decided to pick her up for a 'one-night-stand.' Literally ...
INT. TRASHY, FUCKED UP HOTEL ROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Dollshead’s slinky, feminine, Middle-Eastern
syncopated cover of YOU PUT A SPELL ON ME.
The kind of room where you don’t need
a black light to see the stains.
Sparkle sits on the bed, very pin-up.
In nothing but a teddie and a big smile.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
(about the music)
I like this, who is it?
It was in that film -- what was it, uh --
DollsHead. The film was
'Random Acts of Architecture,’
a dark little indie coming of age flick
about a teenage girl who has her first orgasm.
She kills the guy who gave it to her --
and then goes on a cross-country road trip
where she has a bunch of episodic adventures
on a journey of self-discovery.
The MAN she’s talking to,
a FILM INDUSTRY HACK (50’s),
scary in black Gucci boxers, cigar.
FILM INDUSTRY HACK
That’s right. I read about that.
(slides onto the bed)
Ever smoke before sex?
You make me laugh. Long and hard.
Fucking chat room 'LOL' time, slick.
Can I add you to my buddy list?
Can I instant massage you?
Give it to you up the avatar?
Wanna SOCIAL NETWORK?
She starts laughing maniacally.
Cracks herself up.
FILM INDUSTRY HACK
Oh. My. God. I totally forgot.
I got this -- thing tonight.
How could I forget.
God, am I an asshole.
She WHIPS out a big, chrome HANDGUN
from behind her back.
JAMS it in his mouth.
Whispers, a’la Dirty Harry.
You got that right, buster.
Now shut the fuck up and get on your knees.
It’s time for you to play 'spin the dickhead'
and beg for your fictional life.
ide the 45 caliber pony.
Time to give a Chuck Heston blow job,
go down on the NRA -- and swallow.
CLOSE ON --
Her face. Having a ball.
We hear the sickly THWIP of a silencer, and --
blood SPLATTERS her perfect bone structure.
Cut, print -- that’s a TAKE.
INT. MOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - DUSK
Sparkle stands naked over the body
in the bath tub. She’s covered in blood.
Cutting up the body.
CAMERA stays on her as she leans over,
saws off pieces.
AMERICAN PSYCHO was widely
misunderstood by the critics.
But then, who could blame them?
The book it was based on
was a misogynistic piece of
yuppie masturbatory crap.
She raises up an arm. Salutes it.
Tosses it in a garbage bag.
Returns to her work.
SPARKLE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The film is actually a black comedy --
a satire of the go-go Reagan eighties in Manhattan.
It almost derailed when Leo DiCaprio came on board,
causing the low-budget indie to bloat overnight
into a fifty-million-dollar mega-production.
Thank god for Leo’s handlers,
because he ended up getting cold feet.
She raises up a leg. Makes a face.
Chucks it in the bag.
Grabs the saw. Continues.
SPARKLE (V.O.) (
As fun as it is, this flick didn’t
completely satisfy this critic.
I mean, there’s no point to
Jason Bateman’s killing, is there?
He’s just a psycho --
there’s no story, no plot, per se.
It’s completely random.
It’s hilarious, sure, but it’s the
cinematic equivalent of a Happy Meal --
goes down fast, but devoid of any creative nutrition.
Sparkle saws harder. This one’s tough.
This installation -- this piece --
this reinterpretation is the stuff of real meaning.
Of truth. A commentary on the banalities
of the modern mating ritual.
It is my intention to desconstruct
and then reinvent the American family.
Show the world that you don’t have to be a victim.
That you can create your own family,
control your own destiny --
The killer cutie finishes. Smiles.
Raises up the Industry Hack’s head --
And make your own fucking movie.
And kisses him on the mouth.