Wednesday, June 1, 2011
No Boys Allowed
Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In chapter 19 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we get a glimpse of teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's horrifying childhood 'beauty pageant abuse.' Meanwhile, supended cop Carrie Love and porn star Laura Wood finally get 'up close and personal.'
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
Sparkle cruises down the nasty boulevard,
platforms clattering --
smiling beneath red heart shades.
I love cheeseburgers, pizza,
video games, movies, comic books --
and catching a buzz whenever I can.
I’m your typical American teen.
Except for one thing.
I’m gonna be the biggest
serial killer there ever was.
People are gonna remember me.
INT. PLENTY HOME - LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY
Dot shows her daughter a baton twirl.
See, the thing was about my mom --
she like, didn’t want a daughter.
She wanted a star.
And the money -- don’t forget the money.
She thought I was, like,
her ticket out the trailer ranch.
How fucked up is that? 'Trailer Ranch.'
Like it’s a fucking ranch.
'Raunch' is more like it. In hell.
Dot hands it to Sparkle,
who gives it a whirl. She’s great.
CLOSE ON --
Sparkle’s face. Bright. Eager.
I mean, lookit me.
Is that pathetic or what?
INT. CARRIE LOVE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A Mr. Coffee DRIPS.
Carrie walks in, makes a cup.
She goes to the mini stereo,
searches through the CD’s.
Makes her choice.
Puts it on. Presses 'play.'
The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s sexy,
Euro-croon THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH fills the room.
Carrie slinks away, in time to the music,
sipping her java.
INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie, hot in black, checks out her reflection.
I can’t remember when I’d been
so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.
She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
Carrie changes CD’s --
ABC’S irresistible THE LOOK OF LOVE.
Big smile. She lights a joint.
Inhales. Closes her eyes.
Goes off somewhere to the music,
dancing, swirling --
The doorbell RINGS. Carrie tenses.
Walks to the door, opens it to reveal --
A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight, sheer ankle-length number
with buttons all the way up the front.
With five, maybe six buttoned.
And nothing else.
Oh my god. That’s my favorite song.
Their eyes lock.
(heart beating fast)
It’s -- my favorite song, too.
Laura TOSSES her handbag. GRABS Carrie.
How in the hell did I find you?
And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.
Laura on top, insinuating
her splendor into Carrie’s grass.
The -- yellow pages?
The phone BR-RINGS.
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.
It’s -- broken.
She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder. CRASH.
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?
You were -- uh --
Laura gently cups Carrie’s breasts.
That’s right. I was claiming what’s mine.
EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - LATE AFTERNOON
Carrie’s vintage Porsche convertible
flies up the road along the Santa Monica beach.
Passes a crusty DIVE BAR.
Chez Jay, I love that place!
Stop the car -- stop the car!
INT. CHEZ JAY - LATE AFTERNOON
How can it be so dark inside during the day?
And where on earth did they find
that jazz for the jukebox?
Our chicks sit on bar stools.
Grinning at the BARTENDER.
Can I get a Margarita, please?
Laura slips her hand up Carrie’s skirt.
(to the bartender)
Make it a Cadillac Margarita.
Two of them.
What’s a Cadillac Margarita?
Laura’s hand shifts -- smile broadens.
It’s got a shot of Gran Marnier in it.
You want me to -- get drunk?
A MALE VOICE interrupts.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Sounds like fun to me.
ON THE NEXT BAR STOOL
sits a puffed-up, leering SUIT
enjoying his liquid lunch.
He leans toward Laura,
Hi, I’m Dick.
You ladies together I take it?
Yes, we are.
No boys allowed. Sorry
(Ab Fab accent)
No sex, please -- we’re British.
This CRACKS the girls up.
The bon vivant tries again.
So, you ladies are, uh --
Yes, love. This is my date.
(takes Carrie’s hand in hers)
Isn’t she gorgeous?
Yes she is. And so are you.
Do you ever let anybody -- join in?
Laura sips her cocktail.
Eyes burning with mischief.
Let me ask you something.
How would you feel if you were
on a date with your girlfriend --
and some gay guy came up to you
and asked if he could 'join in?'
You wouldn’t like it, would you?
You’d think it was fucking rude,
The poor guy’s wheels start spinning.
But he’s no match.
Carrie observes, sips her drink.
Uh, yes -- of course, but --
This is the same thing, darling.
We’re not into men.
Just like you.
This sinks in.
He struggles for a response.
Now. I’d like you to apologize to my date.
It’s her birthday, and we’ve had
to deal with this falderol, instead of --
(leans over, kisses Carrie)
Enjoying our evening together.
(turned on, embarrassed)
Hey, look -- I’m really sorry,
I didn’t mean to --
We’re going to leave now.
My darling Carrie here
only lives a few blocks away.
So, I want you to imagine us
going back to her place --
and what I’m going to do to her.
Silly me. You were going to
do that anyway, weren’t you?
EXT. CHEZ JAY - PARKING LOT - DUSK
Carrie and Laura walk to the car holding hands.
That was awesome.
You fucking killed him.
Laura stops. GRABS her.
I’d kill anyone that gets in our way.
I hope you’re packing, officer --