Consider This A Divorce

Hey there, crime kids. Good MORNING. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 40 of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spy twins Cherry Nation and April Street, having invaded evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's underground lair, go on the attack. While April chases after Honey and her aid-de-camp Monsterburg through the bowels of Mann's Chinese Theater above, Cherry searches desperately for her kidnapped daughters ...


INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - TUNNEL - NIGHT
Dimly lit. Water drips down the cement walls.

Honey and Monsterburg RUN down the tunnel.
They make a turn. He slows down suddenly,
out of breath. Wheezing.

MONSTERBURG
Can’t go so -- fast.

HONEY
C’mon, you fucking wimp.
We gotta MOVE.

He strains to catch up.
Picks up speed.

MONSTERBURG
How much -- farther?

HONEY
We’re almost there. MOVE IT.

FURTHER ON DOWN THE TUNNEL
April HOT-FOOTS IT at lightning speed.
High heels CLOMPING.

IN THE THEATER
Streams of COMMANDOS
storm down the basement steps.

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - CORRIDOR - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry walks down the hallway.
Checking each door she goes by.
She opens one. Looks in.

CHERRY
Huh. Nice cafeteria --

IN THE TUNNEL
Honey and Monsterburg arrive at a doorway.
She opens it --

To reveal a staircase going up.

MONSTERBURG
Ohmigod. Fucking STAIRS?

HONEY
Move it or lose, bad boy.

MONSTERBURG
Okay, okay --

And they start RUNNING up the stairs.

FURTHER ON DOWN THE TUNNEL
April keeps sprinting. Takes the turn.
Continues on. Starts the uphill ascent.
Stops. KICKS off her heels --

APRIL
Alas, poor Jimmy Choo, I knew him well --

And TAKES OFF in her bare feet.

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - CORRIDOR - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry continues down the corridor. Checking the doors.
She looks in a window.

CHERRY
Work out room? What a set-up --

She goes to the next one.
The sign reads INFIRMARY.

She tries the door.
It opens. She creeps in --

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - INFIRMARY - CONTINUOUS
Brightly lit. Antiseptic. A row of hospital beds.
Empty. An open door at the other end of the room,
from which we can faintly hear the sounds of a TV.

Cherry carefully tip-toes toward the doorway.

INT. TUNNEL - AT THAT MOMENT
April gets to the door that
Honey and Monsterburg went through.
She YANKS it open. Looks up.

APRIL
Of course. Stairs --

And she RACES up the steps.

INT. STAIRCASE - AT THAT MOMENT
Honey and Monsterburg get to the top of the steps.
Pause a moment. Breathing heavily.

Honey goes to the door.
Puts her hand on the knob.
Monsterburg stares, wild-eyed.

MONSTERBURG
So where does THIS go?

HONEY
Used to be a shitty department store --
(beat)
Now it’s the Kodak Theater.

She YANKS the door open --
revealing a BRICK WALL.

HONEY
Goddammit.
(to Monsterburg)
You don’t happen to have
any explosives on you, do you?

MONSTERBURG
(feels it with his hand)
Wait a minute. It’s not real.

He KICKS it. The ‘wall’ falls over backwards.

MONSTERBURG
(smiles)
Scenery --

HONEY
All the world’s a stage, huh. C’mon --

And they RACE through the door.

INT. INFIRMARY - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry stands next to the door.
Peers around the corner --

INT. INFIRMARY - NURSE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
A plush living space, more like an apartment.

Cherry’s girls AURA (10) and AMBER (8)
lie sleeping peacefully in bed.

Roxy, the hot babe nurse we saw
before sits on the couch
with her back to us watching
SUNSET BOULEVARD on TV.

GLORIA SWANSON (O.C.)
(electronic)
I AM big.
It’s the PICTURES that got small --

Cherry raises her gun.
Tip-toes in. Stops. Takes aim.

CHERRY
I’m ready for my close-up, BITCH.

ROXY
(turns around, startled)
What the -- ?

CHERRY
Move one muscle and you’re dead --
GOT IT?

ROXY
Who the fuck are YOU?

CHERRY
(looks at the girls)
I’m their MOTHER, nurse Ratched.

Roxy takes advantage of the distraction.
DIVES to the floor.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
What the FUCK?

The girls wake up. See Cherry.

A pistol CLICK-CLICKS. Roxy stands.
Gun aimed at the girls.

ROXY
(to Cherry)
Drop the weapon, MOM.

CHERRY
(horrified)
You wouldn’t DARE.

ROXY
Try me. DROP IT,
or its Romper-Stomper room.

Cherry drops the Uzi.
It CLATTERS to the floor.

ROXY
Now go join them on the bed.
(evil grin)
So you can say 'night-night'
before lights out.

The girls start CRYING.
Cherry races over to them.
Hugs and comforts them.
Strokes their hair.

CHERRY
Shhh, it’s gonna be okay. Mommy’s here --

Roxy walks toward them. Pointing the gun.

ROXY
Do you have any last words, mommy dearest?

CHERRY
(turns, looks)
Yeah --
In a blink of an eye,
Cherry’s legs FLY UP,
and she KICKS Roxy in the face, CRACK.

She FLIES backwards, dropping the gun.
Cherry LEAPS off the bed,
GRABS the weapon, and SHOUTS --

CHERRY
Good night, NURSE.

And LEAPS on top of Roxy.
The girls SQUEAL, excited.

AMBER
KILL her, Mommy!

AURA
Go, MOMMY!

Cherry PISTOL-WHIPS Roxy, CRACK.

CHERRY
How DARE YOU fuck with my KIDS --

Roxy GRABS Cherry in a choke-hold.
She drops the gun.

GRABS at her neck,
tries to pull Roxy’s hands away.

But Roxy is STRONG,
and won’t let go.

Cherry’s face starts turning red.

AURA
Oh, NO --

She reaches over and GRABS the table lamp.
Skitters over to where they’re fighting,
and SMASHES it on Roxy’s head, CRACK.

The lightbulb POPS and FIZZLES.
A POOF of grey smoke.

Roxy lies on the floor,
motionless. Out cold.

AURA
Consider this a DIVORCE.

Amber claps excitedly.
Cherry stares at Aura. Incredulous.

CHERRY
Thanks, honey --
(beat)
Where on earth did you
learn how to do THAT?

AURA
I saw it on ALIAS, mommy --

Elvis Has Entered The Building

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 39 of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spy twins Cherry Nation and April Street storm evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's command center deep within her underground lair ... right after Honey and Monsterburg make their escape ...


INT. HONEY’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Honey sits at her desk.
We can see she’s been crying.
She reaches for a tissue.
Sees something on the wall.

ANGLE ON --
The spy camera.

She LEAPS UP. Walks over to it --

HONEY
Those sneaky BASTARDS.

GRABS it, YANKS on it,
pulls it out from the wall, RRRIP.

HONEY
God-DAMMIT.

She storms out into --

INT. SITUATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Honey stands in her doorway.
Eyes on fire.

HONEY
Everybody LISTEN UP.
We’ve had a SECURITY BREACH.
We’re under ATTACK.
Start the defense protocol IMMEDIATELY.

The group breaks into BUZZING and CHATTERING
as everyone checks their weapons.

Scurries about getting ready.
Monsterburg RACES over to her.

MONSTERBURG
What happened?

HONEY
Stealth camera in my office.
Probably one of a dozen.
Elvis has entered the building.
Hunka-hunka burnin’ agents.

MONSTERBURG
Holy shit. Do you have a --

HONEY
Escape contingency? Of course.
Wanna come with me?

MONSTERBURG
Does a bear have a big dick?

HONEY
Follow me.

She trots over toward a steel door
in the corner of the room.

Puts her hand on a touch pad.
The door THWIPS open --
and Honey and Monsterberg
DASH into the opening and disappear --

Just as Cherry and April
appear in the opposite doorway.
Each with twin Uzis.

CHERRY
Homeland SECURITY.
Nobody MOVE, DROP YOUR WEAPONS, NOW.

APRIL
You’re UNDER ARREST.

A pair of ARMED GUARDS
raise their rifles at them.

UGLY ARMED GUARD
Oh, YEAH?

Cherry SCREAMS. Starts firing,
SPRAYING the room with bullets.

April lets loose with a WAR CRY,
starts FIRING.

The Uzis RIP everyone apart.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

Blood, brains and limbs go FLYING --

The girls keep SHOOTING.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

Honey’s commandos and techs bodies
JERK like puppets in the air,
then HIT the ground, dead.
THWUMP, THWUMP, THWUMP.

Cherry and April stop firing.
Look around.
April points at the open doorway.

APRIL
She went thataway, c’mon --

April starts moving.
Cherry stays put.

CHERRY
I’ll catch up with you.
First I gotta find my KIDS.

April looks at Cherry. Nods.

APRIL
Call me on the walkie --

CHERRY
(nods)
Go get ‘em, sis.

APRIL
Righteous kill, BABY --

And she DASHES off down the tunnel.

EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
The place is a zoo.
Word has gotten out to the media,
and now a hoard of NEWS VANS
and CURIOUS ONLOOKERS
have joined the throng of
SQUAD CARS and SWAT TRUCKS.

A hoard of COMMANDOS in riot gear
STORM into the theater.

Sunday and Max strap on kevlar vests.
Put on helmets.
Look at the madness around them.

SUNDAY
God-DAMMIT. Fucking fourth estate --

MAX
What’s 'fourth estate?'

SUNDAY
The media.

MAX
Then why didn’t you just say 'the media?'

SUNDAY
Pardon me for going to HARVARD.

Pause.

MAX
I’m sorry. Kinda tired.
These late nights are getting kinda old --

SUNDAY
Apology accepted.
Now stop your whining
and lets go get us
some criminal mastermind ASS.

MAX
NOW you’re talking.

They start for the entrance to the theater.

SUNDAY
After this is over,
whattaya say we go
somewhere and celebrate?

MAX
Seriously?

SUNDAY
Seriously.

MAX
Hot SOX.

SUNDAY
'Hot sox?'

MAX
EXCUSE ME for going
to community college -

Team America

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spy twins Cherry Nation and April Street escape from their dungeon cell deep inside evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's underground lair. Meanwhile, above-ground, FBI agents Sunday Sparks and Max Cargo are given orders to 'go in for the kill' ...


EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
Sunday and Max stand next to
a monitor set up on a table.

We see the camera’s POV of
Honey’s command center on the screen.

MAX
Okay, so now we know where they are.
I say we go in, stealth-like.

SUNDAY
Too risky. Two of our most valuable assets
are in there, not to mention agent Nation’s children.

MAX
(tears up)
How could somebody be so DESPICABLE?
We’ve got to RESCUE THEM.

SUNDAY
You know, you should show your
soft side more often.
It’s very appealing.

MAX
(blushes)
Really?

Sunday’s cell phone RINGS.

SUNDAY
Hold that thought.
(answer it)
This is agent Sparks --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE
Clint sits at his desk.
DOWNS his glass of scotch.

Grabs the bottle. Pours another.
BARKS into the speakerphone.

CLINT
Ruff here. Status?

SUNDAY
We’ve located her base of operations, sir.
Three floors below the theater.

CLINT
Has the movie let out?

SUNDAY
Yes. We’re just waiting to find out --

CLINT
WAITING? What the FUCK?
Go in there and GET her, NOW.
It’s a matter of NATIONAL SECURITY.
This woman was able to
penetrate THE WHITE HOUSE.

SUNDAY
But agents Nation and Street are --

CLINT
They can take care of THEMSELVES.
For all we know, Almond could be
escaping through a secret tunnel.
You know how those evil masterminds are --

SUNDAY
Oh, shit -- you’re right.
(beat)
Don’t worry, sir.
We’re going in right away --
with no lube.

CLINT
This is NO TIME FOR JOKES.
Just DO IT.

SUNDAY
Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir. Over.

She clicks the phone shut.
Sighs. Looks at Max.

SUNDAY
You heard me.
Get the squad ready.
We’re going in with everything.
A full-scale assault.

MAX
I heard.
(strange smile)
With no lube?

SUNDAY
Figure of speech --
(beat)
I, uh -- lost my head for a second.

MAX
I hate when that happens.

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Clint finishes his drink. Smiles grimly.

CLINT
'No lube' --
(beat)
Heh, heh, heh.

INT. BOMB SHELTER - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April have pulled
the shelves away from the wall.
Positioned them under the trap door opening.

APRIL
I’ll go first,
you come up behind and cover me.

CHERRY
No. I’M going first.

APRIL
But I thought you wanted to
turn in your secret decoder ring.

CHERRY
Too late for that.
Spies ‘R’ Us, baby. TEAM AMERICA.
(growls)
I’m getting my fucking KIDS back --

APRIL
Knock ‘em dead, kid.

CHERRY
Don’t mind if I do.

Fire in her eyes,
Cherry starts climbing up the shelves,
April right behind her.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Two GUARDS sit at a table over the trap door
fooling with a laptop.
HORNY GUARD points at the screen.

HORNY GUARD
Check it out.
It’s so big, he can suck himself.

CRAZED GUARD shakes his head with disgust.

CRAZED GUARD
I don’t want to see THAT.
That’s fucking GAY.

HORNY GUARD
(working the mouse)
Okay, okay, hold onto your dick --
check this one out.
You’re gonna shit your pants --

The trap door below them slowly OPENS.
Cherry sticks her head out. Looks up.

Sees the table up above.
Carefully opens it all the way.
Gently places it down on the floor.

CRAZED GUARD
Holy shit, check out the CANS on HER.

HORNY GUARD
Meet Bambi Boulders. Double-H, dude.

Cherry climbs up quietly.
Looks down, motions to April.

She climbs up.
Crouches next to Cherry.

CHERRY
(points, mouths silently)
Grab their FEET --

April nods. Holds up three fingers.
Cherry nods.

HORNY GUARD
Check out THOSE meat curtains --

April shoots out a finger.
Then two -- then THREE.

And they GRAB the guards’ ankles.

April and Cherry YANK HARD,
PULLING the guards off their chairs
onto the floor, BANG --
and LEAP on top of them.

Cherry PUNCHES Horny in the face, CRACK.
He goes out.

April HITS Crazed on the
side of the head, CRACK.
He goes down.

They get up.
Take their weapons.

Cherry sees their walkie talkies.
Grabs them. Hands one to April.

CHERRY
In case we get separated.

APRIL
What. No pre-nup?

Flame On, Bitches

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 37 of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spy sisters Cherry Nation and April Street are being held captive in evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's underground lair, where they suddenly have to fight a horde of angry, vicious RATS ...


EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
Two more teams are drilling holes in the sidewalk.
Gruff tech walks over to Sunday and Max.

SUNDAY
Anything yet?

GRUFF TECH
Yeah. We found agent Nation’s daughters.
They’re okay.

An INTENSE TECH off to the side looks up
from his scanner.

INTENSE TECH
BINGO.
(to Sunday and Max)
I’ve got Honey Almond.
In her office. Come take a look.

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Honey sits at her desk. Pours scotch into a cut-glass tumbler.
Downs it. HICCUPS. Dabs a tissue to her eye.

Monsterburg sticks his head in the room.
Concerned.

MONSTERBURG
Chief. Are you okay?

HONEY
No, I’m NOT okay.
My own daughters REJECTED me.

MONSTERBURG
Well, if they survive the -- thing downstairs,
maybe they might change their minds.

HONEY
Are you fucking KIDDING ME? It’s OVER.
(beat)
And nobody has EVER survived -- down there.

MONSTERBURG
Is there anything I can do?

HONEY
Thanks doll, no.
I need some private time to myself.

MONSTERBURG
Call me if you need me.

And he leaves. Honey sniffles.
Pours another drink.

ANGLE ON --
The wall to her left.
We see a small hole.

The tip of the snake is sticking out.
A tiny camera slowly BLINKING.

INT. BOMB SHELTER - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April stand on the top of the shelves,
kicking at the rats with their feet.

But they keep coming.
One of them BITES INTO Cherry’s ankle.

CHERRY
OWWW. Get it OFF, GET IT OFF.

April pulls out a knife.
JABS it in his head with a sickening CRUNCH.
The rat falls over.

Another one immediately takes its place.
April KICKS IT like a football, THWUMP.
It FLIES away.

APRIL
We gotta find something to --
(looks around, sees)
TORCHES. We’ve got fucking TORCHES.

She GRABS two. Hands one to Cherry.
Pulls out her lighter. Lights it.
Then hers. They BURST INTO FLAME.

CHERRY
Got you NOW, motherfuckers.

APRIL
How about some FIRE, scarecrow?

They wave the torches at the rats,
now SQUEALING LOUDER.

CHERRY
They’re not GOING AWAY.

One of them LEAPS up,
SINKS it’s teeth in April’s leg.

APRIL
NOOOOOO.

She puts the torch to the rat.
It CATCHES ON FIRE and SCREAMS.

She PUNCHES it with her other hand.
It FLIES away.

APRIL
This isn’t good enough --

She keeps waving her torch at the rats,
keeping them at bay.

Cherry scans the boxes on the shelves.
RIPS one open.

CHERRY
AHA. HAIR SPRAY --

APRIL
Hair spray?

CHERRY
(grabs two cans, tosses her one)
WATCH.

She holds it behind the flame of her torch.
SQUIRTS IT, and a giant FLAME WHOOSHES OUT
like a blowtorch.

She SWEEPS it across a pack of rats
clawing at the edge of the shelf.

They BURST INTO FLAMES, SCREAMING.

POPPING and CRACKLING like pieces of evil popcorn.
APRIL
(aims her can, nods at Cherry)
FLAME ON, BITCHES --

The hold their cans up to their torches.
Start SPRAYING the rats with flames
in a wide circle -- WHOOSH-WHOOSH.

The rats CATCH ON FIRE, skitter away, HOWLING.

The girls JUMP DOWN to the floor.
Continue SPEWING FLAMES at the retreating rats.
The air fills with sickening smoke.

CHERRY
Anybody want BARBECUE?

APRIL
(sweeping flames)
Who’s got MARSHMALLOWS?

The remaining rats DART into hidden holes
in the back of the room.

The girls stop. Take a deep breath.
Look around.

CHERRY
Holy shit.

APRIL
I know --
(beat)
You saved our asses.

CHERRY
(half-smile)
What else are sisters for?

APRIL
Uh, maybe getting us the fuck
OUTTA HERE and catching the evil villain?

CHERRY
(nods)
Works for me --

Deep Stealth

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. Do you know where your children are? Well, they're right here, taking a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 36 of NOWHERE GIRLS, deep in her underground lair, evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond reveals a stunning revelation to her captives, super-spy sisters Cherry Nation and April Street, and then makes them 'an offer they can't refuse' ...


EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
A pair of FBI TECHS drill holes
into the sidewalk with lasers.

Max and Sunday watch,
along side Grim-Looking Agent.

MAX
So how does it work?

GRIM-LOOKING AGENT
They’re drilling holes
at a forty-five degree angle.
When they get to the lower foundation,
they’ll then angle in.

He holds up a long, thin tube.

GRIM-LOOKING AGENT (CONT’D)
This has a laser-camera at the end.
Can see through ANYTHING.

SUNDAY
Gives a whole new meaning
to the term ‘deep stealth’, huh?

One of the techs turns and looks at them.

GRUFF TECH
I’m in the sub-basement.
Bring me the snake.

Grim-Looking brings it over.
Hands to Gruff Tech.

GRIM-LOOKING AGENT
Here you go.

GRUFF TECH
(takes it)
Thanks.

Gruff starts stuffing the tube into the hole.
Max looks at Sunday. Raises an eyebrow.

MAX
Give you any ideas?

SUNDAY
In your hat, buster.

MAX
Sorry. Didn’t mean to make an asp of myself.
SUNDAY
(shakes her head)
So many men. So few bullets in a gun --

INT. HONEY’S INTERROGATION ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April stand in the cube. Glare at Honey.

APRIL
You’ll never get away with this,
the place is SWARMING WITH FBI.

CHERRY
What have you done with my FUCKING KIDS?

HONEY
Ladies, ladies, ladies --
is that any way to talk to your MOTHER?

Honey smiles.
Starts pacing around them in a slow circle.

HONEY (CONT'D)
Surprise --
(beat)
Of course I’m still a bit peeved
that you killed your FATHER --
(beat)
But I understand. He was an evil man.
(shakes her head)
Talk about a messy DIVORCE --

APRIL
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight --

CHERRY
My head is spinning.
You mean to say, you and SLEDGE --

HONEY
Are your parents, yes.
(beat)
We were young and poor,
and the bastard didn’t think
we could take care of you.
It was HIS idea
to put you up for adoption.
I’ve been sick about it ever since.

APRIL
And you put us through all of this
for the same reason HE did --

CHERRY
(to April)
She wants us to WORK FOR HER?

HONEY
Well, of course. You two are the BEST.
I threw my top assassins after you,
and you came through with flying colors.
(beat)
Of course, the collateral damage
was a bit excessive, but worth it.
Assets are replaceable.
(smiles)
But you only have one family.

CHERRY
But why the thing with the White House?

HONEY
Well, let’s just say I have a
bit of an over-active imagination.
(stops, looks at them)
Imagine the possibilities.
With you two on board,
the world is our oyster.
Just think of it --
mother and daughters,
hell-bent on world-domination.

APRIL
On what planet do you think
we’d work for YOU?

HONEY
A planet where a nuclear device
is sitting in the Senate chamber
during a joint session of Congress?
(laughs)
Just kidding. There goes that
over-active imagination again --
(beat)
But seriously? What choice do you have?
Every law enforcement agency
in the world wants you --
(beat)
AND I have your CHILDREN.
(beat)
Don’t you see? You have no choice.

Cherry and April’s heads SPIN.
They look at each other.

CHERRY
I want proof they’re ALIVE.

Honey shakes her head.
Wipes a tear from her eye.

HONEY
You don’t trust me.
Your own MOTHER.
(beat)
Then I’ll give you some time
to THINK ABOUT IT.

She PRESSES a button
on the floor with her boot.

A trap door below them OPENS --
and Cherry and April FALL into the hole.

INT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - SUB-BASEMENT - NIGHT
A dimly lit bunker. Shelves of supplies on one wall.
Water DRIPS from the ceiling onto the cement floor.

We hear the faint sound of
something scurrying about in the shadows.

Cherry and April HIT the floor
with a SLAP, THUD. They groan. Sit up.
Massage their bruised muscles. Look around.

CHERRY
What is this place?

APRIL
(peers in the dim light)
Looks like some kind of --
storage room or something.

CHERRY
Looks more like -- a bunker.

APRIL
Maybe it’s a bomb shelter.

Cherry feels something on her leg.
SHAKES it. Looks.

CHERRY
Ohmigod, a RAT.

APRIL
WHAT? WHERE?

She pulls out her lighter,
FLICKS it on, to reveal --

The room is FILLED WITH RATS.
Surrounding them.

They SQUEAL at the light.
Then JUMP on Cherry and April.

The girls try to BAT them away
as they get BITTEN all over their bodies.

They SCREAM. Try to WHACK them away.

CHERRY
SHIT, NOOOOOO GET OFF.

APRIL
GET OFF ME. GET OFF ME.

CHERRY
THE SHELVES, OVER THERE.

They RUN to a wall filled with shelves,
start climbing them.

The rats cling to their legs,
nipping and tugging. SQUEALING.

April gets half-way up, BANGS her leg,
knocking them off.

Cherry does the same.

They climb to the top.
Look down, see --

A HOARD OF RATS,
undulating like a wave,
moving toward them.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
What are we GONNA DO?

APRIL
I’m thinking, I’m THINKING -- .

Underground Lair, Here We Come

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. You say your bored? Stressed out? Dreading the long week ahead of you? Then why not take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spy sisters Cherry Nation and April Street travel down into the bowels of Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood looking for evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's secret headquarters ... and fall right into her trap.


INT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - BACK STAGE - NIGHT
The movie NOWHERE GIRL unspools in the distance.
We hear guns FIRING, SHOUTED bits of dialog -- and MUSIC.

Cherry and April creep backstage in the dark.
They approach the movie screen from behind. Listen.

CHERRY
'Gnarly?' I’d never say THAT --

APRIL
Fucking Hilary SWANK?
That buck-toothed horse-face?
She’s not HOT.

CHERRY
C’mon, let’s get outta here before I get sick.
(sighs)
Coulda been such a GREAT movie --

APRIL
Fat fucking tub of lard Joel Silver.
Never should have trusted him.

They walk toward the back of the stage area.

APRIL (CONT’D)
We need to find the stairs down to the basement.

CHERRY
(squints, points)
Look. There in the corner.
Let’s check it out.

They creep towards the back.
Get to a steel door.
April GRABS it. PULLS it open.

APRIL
Open sesame.

CHERRY
(gestures)
Brains before beauty.

APRIL
Look who’s getting cutesy
with the banter all of sudden.

CHERRY
(half-grin)
Don’t press your luck.

And they start down the stairs.

EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
A squadron of FBI VEHICLES and COP CARS
fill the street in front of the theater.
A SWAT truck pulls up to the curb.

EXT. MAX’S SUV - CONTINUOUS
Sunday and Max stand nearby.
Look at the theater.

MAX
How do we handle this?
There’s a theater full of people in there.
We don’t want them to panic.

SUNDAY
I’m thinking, I’m thinking --

A GRIM-LOOKING AGENT trots over to them.

GRIM-LOOKING AGENT
The movie’s over in fifteen minutes.

MAX
Great. We’ll just wait until it’s over.
We’ve got the place surrounded.

SUNDAY
Yeah, but I’m not sure that’s going to be enough.
Intel says this Honey Almond character
is some kind of mad genius.
She could have all kinds of
secret tunnels and shit down there.
(to Grim-Looking)
We need a C-A-L-S. You guys have that?

GRIM-LOOKING AGENT
You mean the Cavity Auto-Scanning Laser System?
Of course. It’s in the tech truck.

SUNDAY
Solid. Go get it.
Let’s take a look below ground.
See what we find.

GRIM-LOOKING AGENT
(salutes)
Yes, MA’AM. Be right back.

And he trots off.

MAX
Underground lair, here we come --

INT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - BASEMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April walk down a dimly lit corridor.
April holds a hand-held device at the wall as they go.

CHERRY
How does it work?

APRIL
It registers electrical activity.

CHERRY
Like computers.

APRIL
Bingo.
(looks at it)
Houston. We HAVE CONTACT.

They get to a door.
Look in the window.

CHERRY
Electrical room --

APRIL
(holds it up)
Check it out. See?

CHERRY
But what if they know
about this kind of device.
Wouldn’t the electrical room
be the perfect place to hide the door?

APRIL
That’s fucking brilliant.

CHERRY
Takes one to know one.

April smiles, pushes the door open.
They walk into --

INT. ELECTRICAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dark. Dank. Rows of circuit breakers and switches.
April shines a flashlight along the walls
as they walk through.

APRIL
They’re not going to make this easy, are they.

CHERRY
I don’t see any doors --

April flashes her light on a large metal cabinet.

APRIL
Hello, Dr. Caligari.

CHERRY
Who?

APRIL
Never mind. Check it out. On the side.

CHERRY
KEY CARD STRIP.

APRIL
Exactly.
(pulls key card out of her pocket, smiles)
Don’t worry. We’ll leave the light on.

Cherry pulls out her SIG-Sauer Mosquito.
April takes out her Glock.

They look at each other. Nod.
She SWIPES the card in the slot.

The cabinet door rises up into the ceiling, THWIP.
Revealing a set of stairs going down to another level.

They start walking down the steps --

But they suddenly FLIP UP,
and the incline becomes a steel chute,
and the girls go FLYING DOWN to the bottom.

They HIT the floor with a THUD.

CHERRY
OW.

APRIL
You okay?

CHERRY
Yeah, I --

A trap door OPENS UP --
and they FALL down into the hole.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steel-walled. Futuristic. Soft glowing light.

The girls fall into a plexiglass cube
in the middle of the room with a SLAP.
Groan. In pain.

Standing nearby is Honey.
And four ARMED GUARDS.
One on each side.

The girls stand up,
brush themselves off.

HONEY
Evening, ladies.
So glad you dropped in.
(laughs)
Pun intended.

War Of The Girls

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of NOWHERE GIRLS, Homeland Security agent-sisters Cherry Nation and April Street arrive at Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood to take down evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond. Meanwhile, in a sub-basement deep below the theater in her underground lair, Honey is about to spring her trap ...


EXT. VENICE BOULEVARD - NIGHT
April drives the big chopper,
Cherry sits behind her.

ON THE MOTORCYCLE
Cherry SHOUTS above the roar of the engine.

CHERRY
Can’t you go any faster?

APRIL
And get pulled over by the cops?

CHERRY
Maybe we should take the freeway --

APRIL
Gonna be swarming with Feds.
Best to take Venice.
Almost as fast at this hour.
Then we’ll shoot up LaBrea.

CHERRY
Okay, just HURRY.

APRIL
Don’t worry, we’re gonna get your kids,
AND clear our names --

CHERRY
And then I’m DONE.

APRIL
What? Are you KIDDING ME?
You can’t quit NOW.
We’re a TEAM -- we’re SISTERS.

CHERRY
You mean blood is thicker than water?

APRIL
HELL, yeah -- RIGHT?

CHERRY
Let me get back to you on that --

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Max drives. Sees something out the window.

MAX
Hey. There’s the DWP VAN --

SUNDAY
They must have switched vehicles.

MAX
No shit. Check out the guy on the lawn.

EXT. CUL DE SAC - CONTINUOUS
The SUV stops. Sunday and Max JUMP out.
RACE over to Nasty Biker.

Sunday gets down on one knee.
SLAPS him in the face.

SUNDAY
Hey, Peter Fonda, WAKE UP.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
(opens his eyes)
HEY.

He slowly gets up. Rubs his jaw.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER (CONT’D)
Who the fuck are YOU?

MAX
FBI.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Thank fucking god.

SUNDAY
What happened?

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
(points)
These two chicks came by in that van,
one of ‘em was that porn star La Cienega Boulevard.
Said they were Homeland Security
and that they were bein’ chased by somebody,
and could they take my hog.
I said sure, if I could come along and help.
Then they fucking CLOCKED ME and STOLE it.

MAX
Two women, twins, super-hot?

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
That’s them. Who’s chasing them?

SUNDAY
We are.
(off his look)
It’s a long story --
(to Max)
Alert Sky Sat, STAT.

Max nods. Pulls out his cell.
Punches a number. Listens.

MAX
Yeah, hey. This is agent Cargo.
They’re on a motorcycle.
Heading from this location to Hollywood.
Track all major thoroughfares
and send every agent you have
to Mann’s Chinese Theater, got it?
(listens)
Thanks. We’re on our way.

He clicks the phone shut.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Mann’s Chinese Theater?
What’s going on THERE?

SUNDAY
Ever seen War of the Worlds?

EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
The girls pull up in front
of the theater on the chopper.

See a crowd of people waiting to get in.
The sign reads NOWHERE GIRL.
SPECIAL MIDNIGHT SCREENING.

EXT. MOTORCYCLE - CONTINUOUS
Cherry and April look at the sign.

APRIL
Shit, I forgot. Opening night.

CHERRY
We should probably go around back.

APRIL
Uh, YEAH --

She KICKS the engine in gear.
They ride down the street,
then turn into --

AN ALLEY
They park near an EXIT sign.
HOP off the bike. Go to the door.
April tries it, but it’s LOCKED.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Of course --

Cherry pulls out her pick.
Starts working it in the lock.

CHERRY
Just give me a sec --

APRIL
See all the fun you’d
be missing if you quit?

CHERRY
Don’t test me,
I’m almost at the breaking point.
(jiggles it)
C’mon, fucking OPEN --

The lock CLICKS.
Cherry GRABS the handle.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
Okay, c’mon --

APRIL
I love you.

Cherry stops. Looks at her.
Eyes filled with tears.

CHERRY
I -- love you, too.

APRIL
Then c’mon, killer.
Let’s go get your kids.

CHERRY
(tries to smile)
Okay --

And they go in.

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT
Honey stands at the head of the room.
Takes a sip from a flask.
Watches her staff man their workstations.

Monsterburg walks up to her.
All smiles.

HONEY
What’s the word, hot stuff?

MONSTERBURG
The mice have taken the cheese.
SNAP.

HONEY
YES.
(raises her flask in a toast)
They have fallen into our TRAP.
The little chickies have come home to ROOST.

She drinks. Applause.
Excited chattering.

HONEY (CONT’D)
A toast to YOU.
The finest group of operatives
the world has EVER KNOWN.
(beat)
We are on the verge of COMPLETE CONTROL.
It is our MANIFEST DESTINY.

A HOT BABE in a nurse’s uniform
raises her hand.

HONEY (CONT’D)
Yes, Roxy?

ROXY
What about the children?

HONEY
Don’t worry.
All will be revealed soon.
How are they doing?

ROXY
They finally fell asleep.

HONEY
Outstanding.
(to Monsterburg)
Have you readied the chamber?

MONSTERBURG
Yes, my liege.
Despicable torture device is READY.

HONEY
Fan-TASTIC.
(sighs)
God, I love my work.
(to the room)
Alright, people. Places, PLEASE.
It’s SHOW-TIME.
(beat)
Do we have any of that
microwave popcorn left?

From Brassiere To Eternity

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of NOWHERE GIRLS, after escaping from the FBI, framed Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street commandeer a Harley chopper and continue their getaway. Meanwhile, black ops spook Honey Almond and FBI Director Clint Ruff have a rather 'intimate' conference call ...

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Max drives slowly in the shoulder.

SUNDAY
They’re fucking GONE.

MAX
Don’t worry. I saw them turn off
at that entrance up ahead.

SUNDAY
Then why don’t you MOVE IT?

MAX
Uh, I’m waiting for a break in the traffic?
Call me madcap, but I don’t want to get hit head-on.

SUNDAY
Wise-ass.

MAX
You love it.

SUNDAY
Shut up.

MAX
You’re BLUSHING.

SUNDAY
No, I’m not. Fuck you.

MAX
Yes you are. You’re fucking BLUSHING.
I love it.

SUNDAY
Shut the fuck up and drive the car --

He sees a break in the traffic.
HITS the gas. They ROAR into the road.
Max turns his head. Looks at her. Smiles.

MAX
I’m sorry. Adrenaline. You know.

Pause.
SUNDAY
I’ve got this joke --
I tell people I sleep with a guy
every ten years to remind myself
how much I prefer women.

MAX
And?

SUNDAY
You do the math --

EXT. CUL DE SAC - AT THAT MOMENT
April fools with a pair of wires
on the steering column of the Harley.

They SPARK. The engine ROARS to life.
April jumps on. Cherry gets on behind her.

A shotgun KA-CHINKS behind them.

A POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Stands on his porch.
Aiming both barrels at them.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
What the FUCK do you CUNTS think you’re DOING?

Cherry FLIPS out her ID.
FLASHES it in his face.

CHERRY
Homeland Security.
We need to borrow your hog.
It’s a matter of national security.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Wait a minute. I SEEN you before.

APRIL
It’s all lies. We’re innocent --

CHERRY
We were framed --

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Nah, not that shit on TV.
(points at Cherry)
You’re LA CIENEGA BOULEVARD, the PORN STAR.

CHERRY
I, uh -- retired from that.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
I KNOW. And ya broke my heart.
I got ALL your tapes.
(beat)
From Brassiere To Eternity --
(sighs)
You were THE BEST --

April and Cherry exchange glances.
Cherry gives her a wink.

CHERRY
Tell you what.
If I give you my autograph,
can we borrow your bike?
We PROMISE we’ll return it.
My kids have been kidnapped,
and we gotta go rescue them.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Someone kidnapped yer KIDS?
I’ll help ya. Follow you in my truck.

Cherry looks at April. She shrugs.

APRIL
What the fuck. Sure.

CHERRY
You’re on.

APRIL
On second thought --

She PUNCHES him in the face, SMACK.
He goes down, THWUMP.
Out cold. They look at him.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Sorry about that.

CHERRY
Hope my fan club doesn’t find out --

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Honey sits on the edge of the desk with her legs apart.
Monsterburg is inside her, pumping away.

HONEY
Damn, you’re good. Harder. HARDER.

MONSTERBURG
(goes faster)
Yes, MA’AM --
The phone RINGS. She picks it up.
He stops. Looks at her.

HONEY
Don’t STOP --
(into the phone)
This is Honey --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Clint sits at his desk. Sips a glass of scotch.
Faraway look in his eye. Red-faced.
Slowly nodding his head up and down.

CLINT
I just got a call from THE WHITE HOUSE.
I’m done pussy-footing around.
We’re bringing them DOWN.

HONEY
I wouldn’t do that if I were you --
(to Monsterburg)
God, YES --

He grins. Pumps furiously.

CLINT
I could give a FUCK about your threats, Missy.
All bets are off, as of NOW.
(beat)
What’s going on over there?
(beat)
Oh, god --

HONEY
I’m, I’m -- working out --
(GASPS)
Well, then I’m going to alert THE MEDIA
that the DIRECTOR OF THE FBI
likes to diddle MALE ESCORTS.
What do you think about THAT, HUH?
(beat)
Omigod, that’s good --

CLINT
FUCK YOU. How’s THAT?
I’m taking them DOWN, and YOU’RE NEXT.
(beat)
Oh, yeah -- god, yes --

HONEY
Well, for your information,
ASSHOLE, I SET THEM UP.
They didn’t DO IT.
The joke’s on YOU.
Who’s got egg on his face NOW?
(beat)
What are YOU doing?
Sounds like you’re having sex --

Clint ERUPTS in a massive ORGASM.
He lets out a war cry like a bull on steroids.

CLINT
YEAAAAAHHHH.

Pause.

HONEY
Ha. I knew it.
(looks at Monsterburg)
Oh, god YES. Right THERE --
(into the phone)
Hold on a sec --

Clint smiles. Shakes his head. Cups the phone.

CLINT
Okay, thanks. We’re done.
Money’s on the bureau.

A MALE ESCORT (19) pops out from under the desk.
Wipes his mouth with a kleenex.
Grabs a pile of cash. Hurries out.

CLINT
(into the phone)
You still there?

Honey lets out a blood-curdling YELP
of animal PASSION.

HONEY
AHHHHHHHHH -- YEAHHHHHHH.

Her hips buckle. She shudders. Stops.

CLINT
Hey, you’re having sex, TOO --
(beat)
I mean -- shit --
(beat)
Fuck.

Honey smiles dreamily.
Monsterburg hops off her.

Goes to the bar, pours a drink.
Honey lights up a smoke.

HONEY
(into the phone)
You still there?

CLINT
Uh, yeah --
(beat)
Where were we?

HONEY
I was threatening you,
and you were telling me to ‘fuck off.’
And there was a ‘big reveal’ about Street and Nation --

CLINT
Right --
(beat)
Eat shit and DIE, bitch. You’re DEAD.

He BANGS the phone down. Sighs.
Takes a sip of scotch.

CLINT
Here goes nothing --
(dials another number, listens)
Sparks, it’s Ruff --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
Max drives furiously,
weaving through the sparse traffic
going toward them on the on-ramp.

Sunday touches her Bluetooth.
Cocks her head.

SUNDAY
They got away, but we’re right behind them --

CLINT
Don’t arrest them. They didn’t do it.

SUNDAY
They didn’t DO IT?

MAX
Who didn’t do what?

CLINT
I can’t go into the details.
New intel, highest clearance.
(beat)
And you have a new target --
(clears throat)
Honey Almond.

SUNDAY
Wait a minute, you’re making my head spin --

MAX
What the fuck’s going ON?

SUNDAY
(to Max)
He’s telling us to lay off Street and Nation,
that they’re innocent --
(into the phone)
What does your ex-wife have to do with this?

CLINT
Like I said, new intel.
She’s behind the rogue op
at the White House and set them up.
Just follow them, and HELP THEM, got it?

SUNDAY
Got it.
(beat)
So they’re -- on their way to Almond’s joint.

CLINT
Yeah. You need to help them
bring down Almond ASAP, is that CLEAR?

SUNDAY
You mean -- kill her.

CLINT
On sight.
(beat)
That’ll be all.

He BANGS down the phone.
Sighs. Sips his scotch.

CLINT
Women. Can’t live with ‘em,
can’t assassinate ‘em.

Hold Onto Your Labia

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of NOWHERE GIRLS, it's the rip-roaring conclusion of the high-speed chase on the freeway when Homeland Security super-spy sisters Cherry Nation and April Street elude the FBI in their stolen DWP van ...


EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT
The DWP van continues
swerving through oncoming traffic,
followed by the FBI convoy.

Vehicles SWERVE to avoid them.
A panel truck CRASHES into a Mini-Cooper.

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry stands in the back.
Holds onto a strap hanging from the ceiling.

Looks at the shelves lining the rear.
Then DWP Guy, still out cold.

CHERRY
Here goes nothing --

She raises her leg.
KICKS the rear doors.
They FLY OPEN.

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Max and Sunday see the doors of the van open.

SUNDAY
What in the HELL are they doing?

MAX
SHIT. They’re going to start
DUMPING STUFF OUT --

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Cherry GRABS a metal shelving unit
filled with pipes, tools and boxes of shit.
DRAGS it toward the open door --

CHERRY
I can’t believe I’m DOING THIS.

And SHOVES IT OUT.

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS
An FBI SUV gets HIT with the debris. SMASH.
Glass SPRAYS in the air.

The car SWERVES off into the embankment
and EXPLODES in a FIREBALL of FLAMES and BLACK SMOKE.

IN THE VAN
Cherry SCREAMS with delight.

CHERRY
Omigod was that COOL.

APRIL
Looks at Cherry in the rear view mirror.

APRIL
Good SHOT, baby. Get ‘em AGAIN.

CHERRY
GRABS another shelf.
Starts dragging it to the rear.

CHERRY
Once you start, you just can’t stop --

She SHOVES the metal unit OUT THE DOOR.

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Another FBI SUV gets HIT with the shelves, BANG.
The windshield EXPLODES. Glass SPRAYS.

The car JACK-KNIFES INTO THE AIR
and lands on the car behind it, SMASH.

Both cars do cartwheels onto the shoulder,
BANG, BANG, BANG -- then BURST into flames.

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING
Max swerves through oncoming traffic --
and flying debris.

MAX
We’re gonna get KILLED --

SUNDAY
Keep MOVING. We’ve got to GET THEM.

MAX
They’ve taken out three vehicles.
We’re NEXT.

SUNDAY
Stop being a wimp
and DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR.

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Cherry GRABS the last shelving unit.
Starts to drag it, when DWP Guy wakes up.
He stares at her, incensed.

DWP GUY
What THE FUCK do you
think you’re DOING?

CHERRY
Shut up and DON’T MOVE, FAT BOY.

DWP GUY
You can’t DO THAT.
That’s CITY PROPERTY.

He LUNGES at her.
Cherry SOCKS him in the jaw, CRACK.

DWP FLIES into the wall,
BANG -- BOUNCES off, HITS the floor,
and ROLLS OUT THE BACK --

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS
DWP Guy’s body HITS the windshield
of Max’s SUV, THWUMP.

IN THE CAR

MAX
Holy fucking shit I CAN’T SEE.

SUNDAY
PULL OVER THE CAR --

Max takes his foot off the gas,
steers the car onto the shoulder.
SLAMS on the breaks.

DWP Guy rolls off, hits the ground, THUD.
Windshield now cracked. Smeared with blood.

MAX
Jesus fucking CHRIST.

SUNDAY
Don’t just SIT THERE. Go AFTER THEM.

MAX
(turns the wheel)
Alright, alright --
(HITS the gas)
Ball-bust much?

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Cherry gets back in the passenger seat.
Looks at April, steering the car
through oncoming traffic.

APRIL
I’m gonna burst a fucking blood vessel.
Let’s pull off the freeway.

CHERRY
Yeah, good idea.
(looks in the rear view mirror)
Looks like they’re all gone,
but you never know --

APRIL
(turns the wheel)
Hold onto your labia --

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - ENTRANCE RAMP - CONTINUOUS
The van turns off the road,
approaches the entrance ramp,
but a GIANT TOW TRUCK
is barrelling RIGHT AT THEM.

IN THE VAN

APRIL
Holy SHIT --

She JERKS the wheel --

ON THE RAMP
And the van ROARS down the embankment,
BUMP-BUMPING over the rocks,
shelving and equipment FLYING out the back.

It HITS the bottom with a BANG.
Rolls into --

EXT. WEST LOS ANGLES - CUL-DE-SAC - NIGHT
A shitty, run-down street right next to the freeway.
The cheap seats. The van comes to a stop at the curb.

IN THE VAN
The engine SPUTTERS and dies.
April tries to start it.

It WHEEZES and COUGHS,
but won’t turn over.

APRIL
Just as well.

CHERRY
(looks out the window)
Look. There IS a god --

EXT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - NIGHT
Parked next to a decrepit old house
sits a giant, gleaming brand-new
HARLEY DAVIDSON CHOPPER.

IN THE VAN
April turns to Cherry.
Big smile.

APRIL
'It’s time to ride.'

Leave The Bombing To Us

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of NOWHERE GIRLS, the shit hits the fan when Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street are pursued by the FBI and assassin Irina Kolishnakov in a high-speed down the Hollywood freeway ... going in the wrong direction.


EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Irina’s Porsche SPEEDS through the entrance.
RACES toward the helicopter.

Right behind her, a phalanx of
FBI VEHICLES ROAR into the airport, sirens WAILING.

INT. DWP VAN - CONTINUOUS
April and Cherry SLAM the door shut.
Go up to the front.

DWP Guy turns around.
Stares at them. Freaking out.

DWP GUY
The cops are here --

CHERRY
Try FBI.

DWP GUY
What have you gotten me INTO?

APRIL
Listen to me. We’re innocent.
We’re government agents who’ve been FRAMED,
and we need your help.

CHERRY
Yeah. And if you help us get out of this,
we’ll make sure you get a medal for bravery.

DWP GUY
A m-medal? Really?

APRIL
Oh, yeah. Forget about it.
(points)
That fence over there.
What’s on the other side of it?

DWP GUY
(looks)
Uh, Bundy.

APRIL
Perfect. We need to go through the fence
and get the fuck out of here, NOW. Got it?

ON THE TARMAC
The FBI vehicles surround the chopper.
Agents JUMP OUT, get behind their SUV’s.
Aim their weapons.

Sunday and Max take cover.
She raises a bullhorn to her lips.

SUNDAY
(electronic)
April Street and Cherry Nation,
THIS IS THE FBI.
Come out of the chopper NOW,
or we’ll SHOOT.

Silence.

SUNDAY (CONT’D)
This is your LAST CHANCE.
Come out NOW with your HANDS UP,
or we will COMMENCE FIRING.

Silence.

MAX
Shred ‘em?

SUNDAY
Like lettuce.

MAX
(to the agents)
FIRE.

The agents OPEN FIRE on the chopper.
SHREDDING it with bullets.
The fuselage is RIDDLED with bullet holes.

OFF TO THE SIDE
Irina sits in her coupe.
Watching the action.

IRINA
Shit, shit, SHIT --

IN THE VAN
They hear the MACHINE GUN FIRE.
April looks at DWP guy.

DWP GUY
Holy SHIT --

APRIL
Move over. I’m driving.

DWP GUY
Oh, no. I can’t let you --

Cherry PISTOL-WHIPS him, CRACK.
He falls over, THUD.

CHERRY
Sorry about that.

They push him into the back.
April gets in the driver’s seat.

Cherry pulls out a pair of UZIS.
Hands one to April.

She starts the engine.
JAMS it into gear --

APRIL
Cleared for take-off.

And HITS THE GAS.

EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - TARMAC - CONTINUOUS
The DWP van SHOOTS down the runway
with a SQUEAL of rubber.

THE FBI AGENTS
Turn. Look.

SUNDAY
That’s THEM. They’re GETTING AWAY.
AFTER THEM.

MAX
Go, go, go, GO --

They pile into their vehicles and PEEL RUBBER.
Irina’s car SHOOTS ahead of them like a rocket.

THE VAN
HITS the chain-link fence. SMASHES through it.
FLIES across the grass, BUMPS down over the curb.

EXT. BUNDY DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
The van HITS the street with a BANG.
Drives away.

IRINA’S CAR
SHOOTS through the broken fence,
followed by a phalanx of FBI VEHICLES,
Sirens WAILING, lights FLASHING.

IN SUNDAY’S CAR
She turns and looks at Max.

SUNDAY
Who the fuck is THAT?

MAX
Hell if I know. Paparazzi?

IN THE VAN
April STOMPS on the accelerator.
Cherry looks out the window.

CHERRY
They’re right BEHIND US.

APRIL
(sees something)
Aha. Freeway entrance --

CHERRY
That’s an EXIT -- going the WRONG WAY.

APRIL
Better buckle up.
It’s gonna be a BUMPY RIDE --

EXT. FREEWAY EXIT - CONTINUOUS
The van FLIES up the off-ramp.
Mostly deserted at this hour.

A car SWERVES out of the way,
HITS the embankment. CRASH.

IN THE VAN

APRIL
(looks in the mirror)
FUCK. And here comes the cavalry,
right behind us --

IN IRINA’S CAR
She STEPS on the gas,
SWERVES around oncoming traffic.

IRINA
Who do you think you are,
STARSKY AND HUTCH?

IN SUNDAY’S CAR
Max drives, navigates the car
around approaching vehicles.

MAX
Goddammit --

SUNDAY
Careful, WATCH OUT --

IN THE VAN
April navigates the traffic.
Looks at Cherry.

APRIL
What are you waiting for?
START SHOOTING.

CHERRY
But they’re FBI.

APRIL
They want to KILL US.

CHERRY
You gotta point.

She leans out the window.
Raises the Uzi.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
My country tis of thee --

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - NIGHT
Cherry leans out of the van.
FIRES the semi-automatic at
the cluster of FBI SUV’s
as the van SWERVES
through oncoming traffic,
SPRAYING bullet at them.

An SUV gets HIT.
The windshield EXPLODES with a POP.

Glass FLIES in the air.
It CRASHES into an oncoming truck, BANG.

BOOM. The vehicles EXPLODE
in a red-orange FIREBALL.

IRINA’S CAR
Swerves to the shoulder. ROARS ahead.
Catches up to the van.
She sticks an ASSAULT RIFLE out the window.
Starts SHOOTING.

IN THE VAN
April looks. Sees.

APRIL
MOTHERFUCKER --
She drives one-handed.
Points her Uzi out the window.

Starts FIRING at Irina’s car.

AERIAL POV
The cars drive, side by side,
shooting at each other.

Bullets PING off the Porsche.

IN THE VAN
A bullet ZINGS past April’s head.
CRACKS the windshield.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Okay. Now I’m MAD --

Cherry pulls a GRENADE out of her bag.

CHERRY
Don’t worry.
Leave the bombing to us.

AERIAL POV
The SUV’s follow the van,
Irina’s car alongside it.

ANGLE FROM THE SIDE --
Cherry climbs back out the window.
Sits on the ledge. Holds the grenade.
Takes aim. And THROWS it at the Porche.

IN IRINA’S PORCHE
She drives, firing at the van out the window.
The grenade lands on her lap, THWUP.
She looks at it. Opens her mouth.

IRINA
Oh, shi --

And it EXPLODES.

AERIAL POV
The Porche EVAPORATES in a million pieces.
BANG. Metal, debris, flesh, fire and smoke
FLY into the air.

IN THE VAN
April and Cherry high-five. SLAP palms.

CHERRY
Rock and ROLL.

APRIL
(looks in the rear view mirror)
One down, twenty to go.

CHERRY
Spoilsport.
(beat)
Hey. I’ve got an idea.
I’ll open the back doors.
All the shit back there
will fall out on them.

APRIL
That’s positively EVIL. DO IT.

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - AT THAT MOMENT
Monsterburg looks up from his workstation.
Stares at Honey, wide-eyed.
She looks at him, scowling.

HONEY
What’s wrong, Monsterburg?

MONSTERBURG
It’s Irina, she --

HONEY
WHAT?

MONSTERBURG
We’ve lost the signal.
I’m afraid she’s -- been terminated.

HONEY
God-DAMMIT. Fucking Russian ROULETTE
shit-for-brains DYKE-hard.
(beat)
What about Rock?
Have you heard from HIM?
MONSTERBURG

Not a peep.
(looks at his monitor)
But according to his key card,
he’s travelling due east,
right toward us.

HONEY
Then he must be following THEM.
(licks her lips)
Ah, I can almost TASTE it --

MONSTERBURG
If you’ll excuse me, Ma’am --
I hope this isn’t out of line,
but it almost seems like
this is a personal thing.

HONEY
You bet your hard drive it’s PERSONAL.

MONSTERBURG
Can I ask what happened?

HONEY
No, you CANNOT.
That’s on a 'need to ho' basis.
Just mind your business
and get back to work.
(eyes him appreciatively)
And when you have a minute.
Come back to my office.
I’d like to show you something.

MONSTERBURG
(hint of a smile)
A little -- show and tell?

HONEY
That’s on a 'need to blow' basis --

What Happens In DC, Stays In DC

Hey there, crime kids. Happy MLK day. I have a dream. Well, more like a nightmare ... because it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of NOWHERE GIRLS, while Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street make their escape in a stolen FBI helicopter, assassin Irina Kolishinakov races to the airport to try and take them out as they try land ...


INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Clint dials a number. Takes a big sip of scotch. Listens.

CLINT
I’ve delayed them a little bit. Happy?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Honey sits at her desk. Feet up. Taps her Bluetooth.
Swirls her snifter of brandy.

HONEY
As a fucking clam.

CLINT
You realize how DANGEROUS this is?

HONEY
Darling, it comes with the territory.
(takes a sip)
But you know that.

CLINT
Don’t remind me.

HONEY
And don’t forget --
what happens in DC, stays in DC --

INT. HELICOPTER - MOVING - NIGHT
April drives the chopper.
Cherry looks out the window.

APRIL
We’ve gotta find a place to land, pronto.

CHERRY
But we’ll get to Hollywood faster
if we fly there --

APRIL
Too dangerous. Every government agent
in the STATE is after us,
and this is an FBI chopper.
Sore thumb much?

CHERRY
(sees something, points)
Hey, look, up ahead -- Santa Monica airport.

APRIL
Fucking PERFECT.
(flips switches)
We’ll land there --

CHERRY
You know, after this is over,
I think I’m gonna take a break.
Spend some time with the kids --
(gulps)
That is, if we can --

APRIL
Trust me, sis.
We’re going to GET THEM BACK, okay?
(off her silence)
Okay?

CHERRY
Okay --

APRIL
Now hold on.
I’m a little out of practice
landing one of these --

CHERRY
(stares at her, eyes bugging)
'A little out of practice?'

EXT. FBI SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
Max drives. Sunday talks on her cell.

SUNDAY
You have their position? GOOD JOB.
We’re on our way, roger and OUT.

She CLICKS the phone shut.

SUNDAY (CONT’D)
They’re landing at Santa Monica airport.

MAX
That’s close.
We’ll cut off the perimeter, box ‘em in.
(picks up radio, CLICKS it on)
Attention, all units.
Suspects are landing at Santa Monica airport.
Get your asses over there
and seal off the area IMMEDIATELY.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
(electronic)
Copy that, Cargo. We’re ON OUR WAY --

EXCITED MALE VOICE (O.C.)
We’re SO there, dude.
Let’s catch us some PUSSY.
Snappin’ GYRO. Copy DAT, my MAN. OVER --

Sunday sighs. Looks out the window.

MAX
On behalf of all men everywhere,
I’d like to apologize for that
incredibly insensitive display
of macho bravado.

SUNDAY
What are you talking about?
I say let’s get those fucking CUNTS.

MAX
(smiles)
Yes, SIR.

INT. IRINA’S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT
She drives up the coast like a madwoman,
zipping around traffic. Looks at her GPS.

Punches buttons on the dash.
Looks at the coordinates.
Nods, grim.

IRINA
I’ve got you in web,
said spider to fly --
(beat)
At AIRPORT.

EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - NIGHT
Deserted at this hour. And dark.
A few AIRPLANES dot the landscape.
A Department of Water and Power van sits idling.

The chopper appears in the sky.

INT. CHOPPER - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
April works the controls.
Squints in the darkness.

APRIL
Must be a power-outage or something.
Hold on.

CHERRY
Be careful.

THE CHOPPER
Descends onto the tarmac.
But it’s coming down TOO FAST.

APRIL
Pulls back on the stick.

APRIL
Whoah, NELLY.

THE CHOPPER
Slows it’s descent, rises a bit,
then PLUMMETS down.

APRIL
YANKS the stick.
The girls get JERKED in their seats.

APRIL (CONT’D)
SHIT.

CHERRY
What the fuck are you DOING?

THE CHOPPER
Stops. Hovers. Then lands slowly.
HITS the tarmac. BANG.

INT. CHOPPER - CONTINUOUS
The girls look at each other. EXHALE.

APRIL
Sorry about that.
Been a couple of years. Bit rusty.

CHERRY
Almost pissed my pants.
(looks out the window)
Check out the van.

APRIL
DWP. Perfect.
(smiles)
Incognito ahoy --

EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - RUNWAY - CONTINUOUS
The girls RACE OVER to the van.

See a DWP ELECTRICIAN (40’s),
a chubby regular guy,
sitting in the driver’s seat.

He pours coffee from a thermos into a cup.
Looks up at them, startled.

DWP GUY
Evenin.’ Can I help you ladies?

They WHIP out their pistols.

APRIL
Homeland Security.

CHERRY
We’re commandeering your vehicle.

He DROPS the cup on his lap.
Spilling coffee on his pants.

DWP GUY
OW, shit.
(looks at them)
Hey. Wait a minute.
I saw you two on the news.
You’re those TERRORISTS
who crashed THE WHITE HOUSE.

Cherry and April CLICK their safeties.

APRIL
We were FRAMED, asshole --

CHERRY
Step OUT OF THE VEHICLE, NOW.

DWP GUY
Okay, okay.
Don’t shoot, don’t shoot.

APRIL
Wait a minute.
Wouldn’t it better if HE drove?

CHERRY
Yeah. Great idea.

APRIL
(to DWP Guy)
Open the back door and let us in.

DWP GUY
Okay, okay. Just don’t shoot.
(mumbles, to himself)
Maybe I can get some overtime for this --

Black Hawk Up

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of NOWHERE GIRLS, black ops spook Rock Vargas rescues Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street from the shopping mall clusterfuck in a helicopter, narrowly missing being captured by the FBI. Meanwhile, FBI director Clint Ruff chews out agent Sunday Sparks for fucking up the mission ...


INT. SHOPPING MALL - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Huge Commando leads a squad of men
up the wall at lightening speed.
Boots CLANK-CLANK-CLANK on the steel rungs.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL - ROOF
April and Cherry watch the chopper fly toward them.
It lands, rotors WHIRRING. They RACE over, get in.

IN THE CHOPPER
April and Cherry slide
onto the seat next to Rock.

ROCK
You really ARE twins --

APRIL
C’mon, let’s go.
We’ll exchange pleasantries later.

CHERRY
(to April)
He’s kinda cute,
in a Eurotrash kinda way.

ROCK
(sees something)
Oh, SHIT --

ON THE ROOF
Commandos start running toward them.
They start FIRING.

IN THE CHOPPER
Rock hands Cherry the Uzi.
Starts flipping switches.

ROCK (CONT’D)
Not bad yourself, hot stuff.
Now SHRED the fuckers.

Cherry takes aim, starts FIRING.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

THE COMMANDOS
Get HIT. Two go down.
Three more keep CHARGING.

THE HELICOPTER
Rises up. Bullets PING-PING-PING
off the fuselage.

Rock gets HIT in the stomach. OOF.

ROCK (CONT’D)
OW.

CHERRY
Shit, he’s been HIT.

APRIL
Are you OKAY?

He looks down at the
growing red stain on his shirt.

ROCK
I don’t -- think so.

APRIL
Let me take the controls.

ROCK
You know how to -- uhn --
fly one of these?

APRIL
Yeah. Scoot over.

Rock moves to the side.
pril slides in.
Takes the controls.

CHERRY
Don’t worry.
We’ll take you to a hospital.

ROCK
Shhh. Listen to me.
Honey’s base of operations are -- uh --
underneath Mann’s Chinese Theater -- in Hollywood.
It’s built like Fort Knox, but --

He pulls a key card out of his pocket.
Hands it to April.

ROCK (CONT’D)
You can use --
(gasps)
This to get in.

CHERRY
Do you know where my KIDS are?

ROCK
Yeah, they’re okay -- uh -- they’re --

He slumps over. Lights out.

CHERRY
SHIT.

APRIL
It’s gonna be okay.
We’re gonna GET this Honey Almond,
and THEN we’re gonna get your kids, okay?

CHERRY
Okay --
(looks at Rock)
It’s like I’m fucking cursed.
Meet a cute guy, then he’s dead.

APRIL
Well, we DO have the satisfaction
of serving our country, right?
Isn’t that something?

CHERRY
Yeah, but I’d love to have
something to keep me warm at night
besides the FLAG.

EXT. NEARBY STREET - NIGHT
Irina stands next to her car
by the side of the road.

Raises a BIG, BLACK PISTOL.
Takes aim. SHOOTS into the sky.

EXT. HELICOPTER - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
A small dart WHACKS against
the underside of the carriage.

CLOSE ON --
The dart. A small, silver cylinder
with a red light BLINKING.

IRINA
Looks at a hand-held device
in her palm. Smiles, evil.

IRINA
Reach out and track someone, girlies.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Sunday and Max JUMP into their vehicle.
SLAM the doors.

INT. FBI SUV - CONTINUOUS
Max GUNS the engine.
ROARS out of the parking lot.

SUNDAY
God-fucking-DAMMIT.
(into her cell)
Sir? It’s Sparks.
They’re travelling north in a chopper --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. LOS ANGELES FBI HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
The LA branch office. A bee hive of activity.
Dozens of AGENTS man workstations, collect data.
Watch monitors.

Sitting in a corner office
is FBI DIRECTOR CLINT RUFF (60’s).

Tall, wizened, tough as nails.
Right now he’s sipping a cup of coffee,
talking on the phone --

CLINT
How the hell did you
FUCK THIS UP?
You HAD them in the
palm of your fucking HANDS.

SUNDAY
I’m sorry, sir.
We’re going to get them,
don’t worry --

CLINT
DON’T WORRY?
Do you realize I had to
fly out here to BABY-SIT you?
That the White House is
so far up my ass
we’ve chosen a BRIDAL REGISTRY?

He reaches over.
Picks up a bottle of bourbon.

Pours a hit in his mug.
Takes a big gulp.

SUNDAY
I’m sorry, sir.
We almost HAD THEM,
but this black op
commandeered our chopper --

CLINT
I KNOW that, you stupid BITCH.
I’ve seen the FOOTAGE on the SATELLITE.

Pause.

SUNDAY
Oh. Right --

CLINT
Now get your asses
in gear and GET them, GOT IT?

SUNDAY
Got it.
(beat)
Uh -- can we get another chopper?

CLINT
Being refueled.
On it’s way in ten minutes.
(beat)
And if you fuck this up, Sparks,
I’ll have your ASS,
despite the fact that
you’re a fucking DYKE.
Comprende?

SUNDAY
Yes, sir. Consider it done. Goodbye.

INT. FBI SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
She clicks the phone shut.
Sighs. Looks at Max. Eyes teary.

MAX
Hey. Are you okay?

SUNDAY
Yeah, I --
(beat)
Sorry. I -- so unprofessional --

MAX
Look. You’re a fucking AMAZING op.
So am I. And together
we’re gonna get them, OKAY?

SUNDAY
Okay --

MAX
And for what’s worth,
I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole.
My wife left me last month,
and I’ve been kinda fucked up ever since.
(mumbles)
You don’t wanna KNOW
how long it’s been
since I’ve got laid --

SUNDAY
You and me both --

MAX
You’re not such a tough nut after all.

SUNDAY
(smiles)
Tell anyone, and I’ll fucking kill you.

Be All You Can Be

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of NOWHERE GIRLS, the shit hits the fan when Honey Almond's assassin Irina Kolishnikov arrives at the shopping mall to take out agents Cherry Nation and April Street ... just as runaway spy Rock Vargas arrives to rescue them ...


EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT
A sleek, vintage PORSCHE CONVERTIBLE
speeds down the thoroughfare
at a hundred miles per hour.

WHIZZING through traffic.
It CLIPS an old Volvo on it’s side front bumper.

The car WHIRLS to the side, starts SPINNING,
CRASHES into the embankment.
Other cars HONKS. SWERVE.

INT. VINTAGE PORCHE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Irina CHUGS a can of Red Bull.
TOSSES it in the back seat.

IN THE REAR
We see a mountain of empty cans.

BEHIND THE WHEEL
She stares straight ahead.
A robot. On a mission.

EXT. FREEWAY EXIT - CONTINUOUS
The Porsche turns, ROARS down the exit ramp.

IN THE CAR
Irina touches her Bluetooth. Listens.

IRINA
(robotic)
Black Hummer, H-Three. Check.
(listens)
Terminate with prejudice --

EXT. SHOPPING MALL ROOF - AT THAT MOMENT
An air vent OPENS. Cherry and April climb out.
Stand on the roof. Look down at all
cops, SWAT, media.

CHERRY
It’s a three-ring circus down there.

APRIL
Let’s hope this Rock character
has his shit together.

DOWN BELOW
Rock’s Hummer ROARS into the mall parking lot.
RACES over to a black FBI helicopter
parked away from the commotion.

ON THE ROOF
April points at the Hummer.

APRIL
That’s HIM --

EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - AT THAT MOMENT
Rock RACES over the helicopter.
Flashes his ID, starts climbing the rungs to get in.

ROCK
Secret Service.

The BITCHY HELICOPTER PILOT
looks at the ID, then at him.

BITCHY HELICOPTER PILOT
You don’t look like Secret Service --

Rock climbs in. Sits next to him.
Pulls out a SIG-Sauer.
Aims it at Bitchy’s head.

ROCK
April fools. Now take this fucker
up to the roof, NOW.

BITCHY HELICOPTER PILOT
Fuck you. This is a Federal aircraft.
You can’t --

Rock PISTOL-WHIPS him, CRACK.
He slumps over, out cold.

He pushes him out of the cabin.
Slides into his seat.

Grabs the controls. The engine ROARS.
The rotors start slowly SPINNING.

IRINA’S CAR
Car pulls up the Hummer

IN THE CAR
Irina sees it’s empty.
She looks out the window at --

THE HELICOPTER
About to take off.

IRINA
Reaches behind her.
Pulls out a ROCKET LAUNCHER.

UP ON THE ROOF
April and Cherry watch.

CHERRY
He commandeered the chopper --

APRIL
Deus ex machina, anyone?

IN THE HELICOPTER
Rock starts FLIPPING switches.

ROCK
C’mon, c’mon --

NEARBY
A group of commandos look.
See Bitchy on the ground.

NASTY COMMANDO
Someone’s jacking the CHOPPER.

They start RACING toward it.

THE HELICOPTER
Slowly rises up.
Rock FLIPS more switches.

ROCK
C’mon, GO, GO --

THE COMMANDOS
Get nearer. Start FIRING at him.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

Rock grabs an Uzi off the seat,
SPRAYS them with bullets.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-
TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

They get SHREDDED TO RIBBONS.

ROCK
JAMS the gearshift,
and the chopper TAKES OFF.

IRINA
Raises the rocket launcher.
Takes aim --

An IRATE SWAT COMMANDO appears out of nowhere.
GRABS the launcher out of her hands.
JAMS a gun against her head.

IRATE SWAT COMMANDO
Don’t MOVE, LITTLE GIRL.

She SUCKER-PUNCHES him in the face.
GRABS the gun.

IRINA
Get the FUCK out of my face,
LITTLE BOY.

Commando comes back at her.
She PISTOL-WHIPS him in the face.
He goes down, CRACK.

Irina gets out of the car.
Picks up the launcher.
Aims it at the helicopter.

She gets TACKLED FROM BEHIND
by an ASIAN FBI AGENT.

She HITS the ground.
The weapon SKITTERS under her car.

Irina FLINGS his arms off her.
KICKS him in the stomach, OOF.

He FLIES backwards. WHUMP.
Head hits the pavement, CRACK.

A GROUP OF AGENTS
Nearby see her. Point. Start YELLING.

POCK-MARKED FBI AGENT
AGENT DOWN. STOP HER.

They start RUNNING toward her.
Irina reaches under the car.

Grabs the weapon. JUMPS in.
Drives away in a SQUEAL of rubber,
the agents following her on foot.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Sunday listens on her walkie.
Looks at Max. Turns white.

SUNDAY
WHAT did you say?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SHOPPING MALL BASEMENT - NIGHT
Huge Commando holds his walkie, looks at Bunky,
scratching at the ladder rungs
that Cherry and April climbed earlier.

HUGE COMMANDO
I said They’re back up on the FUCKING ROOF.

SUNDAY
Well, then GET UP THERE. NOW.

HUGE COMMANDO
Jesus Christ, I was just giving you an update --

SUNDAY
GO, NOW, GO.

She clicks off the walkie.
Shakes her head with disgust.

SUNDAY (CONT’D)
Stupid fucking shit for brains.
(looks at Max)
Instead of chasing them,
he stopped to fucking CALL me.

MAX
Maybe he was trying to
‘be all he could be.’

Sunday does a take.
The barest hint of a smile.

SUNDAY
That was actually pretty funny.

MAX
I have my moments --

Pussy Hound

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of NOWHERE GIRLS, we meet evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's latest assassin, Irina Kolishnikov, who has been dispatched to take out Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street. Meanwhile, Honey's former cover op Rock Vargas has defected, and is now racing over to save Cherry and April, who are trapped in the shopping center basement ...


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS GYM - NIGHT
A tony, overpriced workout boutique on Rodeo Drive.
Lights blazing, even at this late hour.

INT. BEVERLY HILLS GYM - CONTINUOUS
Empty, except for IRINA and her client,
a slick, puffy, asshole AGENT (30’s)
wearing designer workout threads.

Right now he’s on the floor on his back,
being stretched out by Irina.
He GROANS as she slowly pushes his leg up.

ASSHOLE AGENT
Irina, baby. You’re killing me --

His BlackBerry ERUPTS
with a shitty pop music ring tone.

RING TONE
Gotta go boom, gotta go boom, boom, boom -

ASSHOLE AGENT
Hold on. I gotta get that.
(reaches over, grabs it)
This is Hassig.
(listens)
Well, you tell that fucking CUNT
we’re not paying a fucking CENT
over three-hundred grand, GOT IT?

Irina watches. Amused. Puts his leg down.

HASSIG
In your ASS. She’s SHARING a double-banger
with Little Miss Oscar Contender, GOT IT?

She BLINKS. Grabs her neck. Rubs it.
Her eyes glaze over. Cocks her head.
Looks at Hassig.

HASSIG
Like I could give a FLYING FUCK.
If she doesn’t show up on set tomorrow morning,
we’ll fucking sue her liposuctioned ASS, GOT IT?

IRINA
(monotone)
I have to go now.

She turns and walks toward the door.

HASSIG
(sees her)
HEY. Where the fuck do you think YOU’RE going?
We still have FIVE MINUTES.

Irina puts her hand on the knob.
Turns and looks.

IRINA
(robotic)
Go fuck yourself, you sack of shit.
I have work to do.

And she’s gone. The door SLAMS shut.

HASSIG
(into the phone)
I don’t fucking BELIEVE it.
My trainer just BAILED on me.
(listens)
Oh yeah? Well, fuck you, TOO.
And your faggot-ass LAW FIRM.
Case dismissed.

He FLINGS his phone against the wall, CRACK.

HASSIG (CONT’D)
Asshole --

INT. SHOPPING MALL - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
Cherry and April climb the steel rungs in the wall.
April talks on her hands-free cell phone.

APRIL
We’ll be on the roof in a couple minutes.
How close are you?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. ROCK’S HUMMER - MOVING - NIGHT
Rock drives, smokes a Gitanes, talks on his cell.
He’s now wearing a black suit, shades and an earpiece.

ROCK
I’m just around the corner.

APRIL
What’s your plan?

ROCK
I had a better idea.
I’m going in as Secret Service,
on orders from the White House.

APRIL
How you are going to pull THAT off?

ROCK
Piece of cake. That was my last job --
(shakes his head)
But after seven years of protecting a chimp,
I had to bail.
(beat)
Biggest mistake of my life.
This feels right.

APRIL
Well, if you can pull this off,
I’ll personally make sure you get a deal,
maybe even come work with us.

ROCK
Works for me. I’m on my way.
I’m in a black Hummer. Over.

APRIL
Roger that. Over.

She SNAPS her cell shut.
Looks at Cherry.

APRIL (CONT’D)
I think this guy’s okay.
(off her look)
He called Bush a chimp --

INT. SHOPPING MALL BASEMENT - UNDERGROUND CORRIDOR - NIGHT
A four-man squadron of COMMANDOS in riot gear
work their way down the same corridor
we saw Cherry and April in earlier.
They get to a intersection of two tunnels. Stop.

One of them has an BIG, BLACK ATTACK DOG.
He JERKS the leash.

TALL COMMANDO
Which way, boy?

The dog SNIFFS, GROWLS, JERKS him to the left.

HUGE COMMANDO
He can really smell their scent?

TALL COMMANDO
Yeah. Got him from Clinton’s staff.
He can sniff out a filly from a half-mile away.

HUGE COMMANDO
Nice.

Tall Commando’s walkie talkie CHIRP.
He answers it.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. SHOPPING MALL - NIGHT
Sunday huddles with Max by
the front entrance to the mall.

SUNDAY
Status report?

HUGE COMMANDO
We’re getting close, chief.
We’ve covered the whole joint
except the basement, where we are now.
Bunky’s got their scent.

SUNDAY
Who the FUCK is Bunky?

HUGE COMMANDO
Tracer dog, Ma’am.

SUNDAY
Oh, right -- the Clinton thing.
Pussy hound. Carry on.
Keep me posted. Over.

HUGE COMMANDO
Roger that.

They hang up.

MAX
What’s 'the Clinton thing?'

HUGE COMMANDO
Sorry. That’s on a
‘need to sniff’ basis only.