Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where the things are starting to get ... a little hairy.
D-movie starlet/femme fatale Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover/personal trainer Jett Targo watch over Haven's husband Dart, who has suffered a nasty fall, only discover that they are being watched ...
First by deputy sheriff Trimmer Waltz, who himself has a thing for Haven ...
And also by Haven's neighbor, hard-drinking, foul-mouthed midget actress Nola Bliss.
Get out your scorecards, crime slicksters ...
INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - DART’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Jett and Haven kneel at the side of the bed. Watch Dart. Sleeping peacefully.
We should wake him.
What should I tell him about you?
That I’m your personal trainer, and I know alot about --
Dart’s eyes OPEN. Groggy.
Who the fuck are you?
This is my trainer, Dart.
She heard what happened,
and wanted to take a look at you,
see if you’re okay --
Hello, Mr. Crayce. I’m a big fan.
Trainer? You hired a trainer?
I’m not going to pay for --
I’m not charging her, Mr. Crayce. We met walking our dogs.
Haven told me about having chronic back pain,
and I offered to show her an exercise routine that would help.
Out of the goodness of your heart.
Well, sir -- it’s what I do.
I was raised in a good, Christian family,
and I was taught to do unto others --
You said you’re a fan of mine?
Oh, yeah -- I’m a big movie buff.
What’s your favorite film of mine?
'Blood Gets In Your Eyes.'
Bogart and Stanwyck,
together for the first time.
Is it true that the original leads
were Ronald Reagan and Jane Wyatt?
Why, yes -- but, how did you -- ?
Turner Movie Classics.
Never miss it.
That Bobby Osbourne.
What a little rascal.
I owe him a lunch.
How are you feeling?
How’s your head?
My head is fine.
It’s my ass that’s killing me.
No blurry vision?
I’m just fine, young lady.
Now, if you’ll excuse us,
it’s almost time for my dialysis, and my --
Dart looks at Haven. A lewd grin.
PUSH IN ON Jett. Horrified.
EXT. HOUSEBOAT - THE NEXT MORNING
Jett trains Haven outside on the deck.
What was I supposed to say?
'You can’t come and examine him
because he might have to go to the hospital
and then we can’t KILL him?'
What time is he supposed to be here?
Any minute now.
MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Jett and Haven look, see --
on his Sheriff’s boat. Big ol’ grin on his face.
Sure is a gorgeous day.
How is your husband doing?
Has he recovered from that nasty fall?
Uh -- he’s fine.
Lucky for him you were around.
Hate to see anything happen to him.
The radio SQUAWKS.
Trimmer picks up the receiver. Listens.
Holy COW. I’ll be right there, chief.
(clicks it off, looks at them)
Pregnant lady fell in the drink at the Fisherman’s Wharf.
Baptism by water. Heh-heh-heh.
See ya later.
And he ZOOMS away.
What the fuck?
How did he find out? You think he’s --
I dunno, I --
FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Who is THAT?
Neighbor from hell.
stands on the dock in a tiny running suit.
Bottle of imported beer in one hand,
the rest of the six pack in the other.
She pads up the gangplank on little feet.
Big smile and a wave.
Nola. This is a nice surprise. What’s going on?
Just got a role in the new Jason Statham flick,
'The Inter-rogator.' Joe Carnahan HAD to have me.
That’s great. So you’re, what -- the love interest?
I wish. I’m an assassin.
They look at each other. Fake smiles.
Sorry, I’m -- working out.
You certainly are.
(offers her hand)
Hi, I’m Jett. Her trainer.
Nice to meet you.
(gives her the once-over)
Do you have any openings?
I might have to get in shape for this role.
My schedule’s pretty full.
But let me check, and I’ll get back to you.
So how is your husband? Is he okay?
That was a pretty nasty fall.
He’s -- fine, thanks.
That’s good. Whew.
Well, I gotta toodle-oo.
Gotta wardrobe fitting. Ciao, darlings.
She smiles, turns, and skittles down the gangplank.
What’s going on here?
Fucking nosy midget. Spying on me.