Keep The Home Fires Burning

It's 'hump day,' crime humpsters. And you know what that means. Time for a big, heaping slab of harboiled/pulp/noir fiction ... right up your hump. So toss back that last shot, pull on your boots, and head on out to the only joint in town ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where we are barreling toward the exciting, horrifying conclusion ...

Where Haven Crayce and Jett Targo are holed up at a shitty beach-side motel ... hiding from the cops ... and are in need of a late-night snack ...

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT

A ramshackle joint a stone’s throw from the motor court.

The COUNTY SHERIFF’S POLICE CRUISER is parked outside.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - CONTINUOUS

A STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY hands a wanted poster to the CLERK,

a mildly retarded local kid (18). The clerk looks at it.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK

I saw them -- on the news.

STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY

Yep. Bonnie and Bride.

Shore would like get in the middle of THAT sandwich.

Retarded stares at the poster.

Strange-looking goes to the frozen food section.

Rummages around. Finds something. Returns to the register.

STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY (CONT’D)

How much for the Hot Pockets?

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK

On the house, chief.

STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY

(goes to the door)

Mighty obliged, son. You take care now.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK

(watching him go)

I love Hot Pockets.

Retarded puts the wanted poster on the counter.

Takes out a black marker. Starts drawing on it.

INT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

A ROARING FIRE in the fireplace.

The wood CRACKS in the red and orange flames flickering over the money.

Haven and Jett lie in each other’s arms, basking in the heat.

HAVEN

I wanna stay here forever and ever.

JETT

Yeah.

HAVEN

Mmmm.

(beat)

I’m hungry.

JETT

So am I.

HAVEN

Would you go get us some provisions?

Pretty please?

JETT

Of course.

Jett gets up, puts on her cowboy hat.

HAVEN

I think you should go just like that.

Shrugs into her jeans.

JETT

Silly girl, it’s fuckin’ freezing out there.

Puts on her shirt. SNAPS it.

HAVEN

Hurry back, honey pie.

I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse.

JETT

When I come back, we’ll do some ropin’ and ridin.’

(goes to the door)

Keep the home fires burning.

HAVEN

(smiles, dreamy)

Yeah --

(beat)

Hey, you know what?

JETT

What.

HAVEN

You know when they say money can’t buy happiness?

(beat)

They’re full of shit.

And she THROWS a fistful of money in the air.

PUSH IN ON Haven’s eyes. Dancing with delight.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - MOMENTS LATER

The Wanted poster is up.

But now Haven has a mustache and a missing front tooth.

And Jett is in shades and a cowboy hat.

Like she is right now. Walking in the door. The bell RINGS.

JETT

(tips her hat)

Evenin.’

She grabs a basket. Starts going through the food aisles.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK

(wide-eyed)

Evenin.’

Jett goes to the beverage cooler.

Takes out a six-pack.

Brings her items to the counter.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT’D)

Looks like you’re fixing to have yourself a late-night snack.

JETT

Yeah.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK

You must be stayin’ at the Buccaneer down the way.

Jet nods. Retarded rings up the items.

Open-mouthed. Concentrating.

Placing each in a paper bag.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT'D)

That’ll be -- thirty-four dollars and seventy-three cents, please.

Jett hands him some cash.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT’D)

Out of forty --

(hands her bills and coins)

Five dollars and twenty-seven cents is your change.

Jett tosses the coins in a big plastic cup marked TIPS.

JETT

(picks up the bag)

Thanks. Have a good night.

She heads toward the door.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK

You, too.

(after she’s out the door)

Give my best to your friend.

Retarded goes to the phone. Dials. Listens.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT’D)

I’d like to speak with the Sheriff, please.

This is Lonnie down at the Stop and Gulp?

(listens)

I wanna report that Bonnie and Bride

are holed up at the Buccaneer Motor Court

over here in Seal Beach.

(listens)

So when do I get that reward money?

PUSH IN ON Retarded. Doing his duty. Excited.

Trailer Trash Heaven

Happy Tuesday, crime fucks. Are you looking for some cheap, tawdry thrills? A little hardboiled/pulp/noir depravity? Then you've come to the right place ... where the girls are hot, and the drinks are cold ... where you'll get That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where things get a little steamy. In today's episode, wanted fugitives from the law D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her murderous lesbian lover Jett Targo have eluded the cops, and have holed up in a shitty little motel by the beach ... where things get a bit ... sexy ...

EXT. COUNTY ROAD - NIGHT

The truck ROARS down the gravel road.

HAVEN

You see the look on his face?

He just died and went to trailer trash heaven.

He’s probably jerking off in it right now.

JETT

I think we should hole up somewhere for the night.

I’d rather cross the border in the morning, when there’s more traffic.

HAVEN

Ooh. I love the sound of holing up.

EXT. COUNTY ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The pickup FLIES down the road.

Behind them, a DODGE DART SWINGER

pulls out of the bushes, and ROARS after them.

INT. SHERIFF’S MUSTER ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Your typical shitty institutional municipal squad room.

Cal Seely stands at a lectern in front of a dozen

UNIFORMED OFFICERS and a handful of PLAINCLOTHES DETECTIVES.

CAL

We’ve put out an APB.

All regional airports,

bus stations and trains are being watched.

The highway patrol is on it.

And we’ve alerted the media,

who is calling them 'Bonnie and Bride.'

A smattering of chuckling.

CAL (CONT’D)

This isn’t a fucking JOKE.

We need to FIND them, and find them NOW.

This is front page news, people.

I want you to fucking take apart that whore’s boat,

and that fucking dyke’s apartment --

and find out where the fuck they’ve gone.

(beat)

Do I make myself clear?

EXT. MOTOR COURT - NIGHT

A foghorn BLEATS somewhere off the coast.

A dense FOG has rolled in from the ocean.

Lights look blurry, fuzzy.

There’s a sharp, damp, pungent chill in the air over --

THE BUCCANEER.

A small motor court motel across the street from the beach.

A deserted area far away from the touristy crap.

A small semi-circle of shitty bungalows face the water.

The middle one has a sign that reads OFFICE. VACANCY.

Jett’s pickup pulls up behind it and stops.

INT. PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

Jett shuts off the ignition. Slips on a cowboy hat. Shades.

HAVEN

I like the hat. Makes you look -- rugged.

JETT

Let me check in by myself.

You’re too -- memorable.

HAVEN

That sounds like a line from something.

JETT

From our life, baby face.

HAVEN

Hurry up, I’m cold.

INT. MOTOR COURT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

A plump BUCK-TOOTHED WOMAN

sits at the desk reading a true crime magazine.

Riveted. Slowly eating potato chips.

Jett comes in quietly.

Closes the door behind her.

JETT

Evenin’. Mighty cold out there.

BUCK-TOOTH

It’s the fog. Cold and wet it is.

She smiles strangely.

This bulb is definitely low-wattage.

JETT

Can I get a cabin for the night?

BUCK-TOOTH

Sure thing. Got one left.

But the heater’s broke.

Got a fireplace, though.

JETT

How much?

BUCK-TOOTH

(hands her a key)

Fifty bucks. Check out is at eleven.

JETT

(takes it)

Mighty obliged.

BUCK-TOOTH

How can you see in those shades?

It’s night-time, mister.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Delighted.

EXT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Quaint and cute. Forty years ago.

Now, musty and well-worn.

Wooden furniture. Ancient TV.

An overstuffed couch facing a stone fireplace.

Typical shitty paintings of ships at sea.

Haven walks in, hefting a large briefcase,

followed by Jett, carrying their luggage.

HAVEN

Who knew eight-hundred grand was so HEAVY.

Jett drops the luggage with a BANG.

JETT

I thought I told you to pack light.

She goes to the fireplace. Gets a fire going.

HAVEN

Hey, a girl’s gotta have a change of outfits.

Don’t you want me to look sexy for you?

Jett walks over to her. Kisses her.

JETT

You’d look good in a burlap bag.

HAVEN

You know what I wanna do?

JETT

What.

HAVEN

Roll around in it.

JETT

Roll around in what?

Haven goes to the briefcase. Opens it.

HAVEN

The money. I wanna feel it on my skin.

She takes out a bundle. RIPS off the tape. THROWS it in air.

It flutters down like confetti. Haven SQUEALS with joy.

JETT

You think you should do that?

What if somebody comes by?

HAVEN

No one’s coming.

We’re all alone, and it’s late.

C’mon, it’s FUN.

Haven takes out two more.

RIPS them open. TOSSES them.

HAVEN (CONT'D)

Wheeeeee!

She twirls in the fluttering bills like a dancer.

Jett stares. Takes some money. RIPS it open.

THROWS it. They both start LAUGHING MADLY.

A storm of cash RAINS down on them.

Haven stops. SHRIEKS --

And strips off her dress. Glorious in lingerie and heels.

The vixen gets down on the carpet and ROLLS AROUND in it.

Jett showers her with more cash.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Fuck me, BEN FRANKLIN.

Jett takes off her boots. Her jeans.

Then joins Haven on the money-covered rug

in front of the roaring fire.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

We made it, baby.

There’s nobody else in the world.

JETT

And you’re mine. All mine.

(beat)

There’s nobody else.

And they start making love, like animals.

Jett BITES Haven’s throat. She CRIES OUT.

Take Your Piece Out Of My Pants

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Feeling beaten down by life? Trudging through a meaningless, 9-to-5 existence? Then why not get your hardboiled/pulp/noir groove on, and get your ass over to the darkest place in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where things are spiraling downward into an inevitable, horrific conclusion for our murderous, star-crossed lovebirds, D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and corn-fed, musclebound Jett Targo, as they make their getaway in a classic, vintage Cadillac convertible ...

INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING - DUSK

Coltrane’s I’M OLD FASHIONED bops on the car stereo.

Haven drives. Jett looks out the window, lost in thought.

JETT

(reading a sign)

We’ll be in Long Beach soon.

The song ends.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

That was John Coltrane, and I’m Old Fashioned.

Guess I’m kinda old fashioned, too --

(beat)

I was just handed a special bulletin from our news department.

Police have issued arrest warrants for Haven Crayce and Jett Targo

in connection with three murders in Marina Del Rey.

Both women are in their mid-twenties,

and were last seen in a red 1968 Cadillac convertible.

If you see these women,

please contact your local police precinct immediately.

(beat)

Well, now, if I was a fugitive from the law,

I can’t think of a better ride than a classic Caddy.

This next one’s dedicated to you. A little Miles. SO WHAT.

Miles Davis’ trumpet mourns softly.

JETT

Pull off the road at the next exit.

HAVEN

Why?

JETT

Because we gotta get a NEW CAR.

HAVEN

We’re gonna buy a new car?

JETT

Hell, no -- we’re gonna STEAL ONE.

A SIGN READS

Seal Beach. 15 miles.

JETT (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Turn here. This is perfect.

EXT. MAIN STREET - SUNSET

They drive toward the beach,

a gorgeous sunset ahead of them in the sky above the ocean.

JETT

I haven’t been here in years.

HAVEN

You’ve been here before?

JETT

Yeah, a lifetime ago.

(beat)

Turn right here. I got an idea.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER

The sun has almost set. The car pulls into a trailer park.

An old, wooden sign reads SEAL BEACH ESTATES.

INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING

The car inches by a row of mobile homes.

JETT

Pull up to the end and park.

Haven does. Stops the car.

HAVEN

So what now?

JETT

Well, I’m thinking that someone who lives here,

no matter what they drive,

they’re not gonna mind trading it for a vintage Caddy,

keys in the ignition, all wrapped up in a nice, big bow.

HAVEN

Ooh. You are GOOD.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER

Jett sits behind the wheel of an old Ford pickup truck,

playing with the wires under the steering wheel column.

They SPARK. The engine ROARS to life.

JETT

Like riding a bicycle.

The barrel of a SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN

is placed against Jett’s temple.

A GIANT REDNECK leans into the window. Sneers.

GIANT REDNECK

What the fuck do you think YOU’RE DOING?

Get the fuck outta MY TRUCK.

JETT

Easy now.

Jett opens the door. Slides out. Starts to raise her hands --

GIANT REDNECK

What I don’t get is why you’d wanna steal this piece-a crap.

And WHIPS OUT her REVOLVER. JAMS it in his crotch.

JETT

We’re swapping rides, big fella. Gotta problem with that?

(CLICK)

See that Cadillac over there?

The redneck looks at the Caddy.

GIANT REDNECK

You wanna trade my truck for the CADDY?

Are you fuckin’ CRAZY?

JETT

Something like that.

(nods)

Go ahead, check ‘er out. Keys are in the ignition.

Redneck breaks into a big ‘ol rotten-toothed grin.

GIANT REDNECK

Take your piece outta my pants,

and you got yourself a deal.

Let's Blow This Popsicle Stick

Happy Saturdaze, crime fucks. Feel like stuffing a cute, young asian co-ed into a wall? Then relax, put your feet up, and come on over to the darkest joint in town ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's steaming slab of pulp/noir from A DISH BEST KILLED.

First up, homicide detective Cal Seely searches D-movie actress Haven Crayce's houseboat for clues ...

While Haven and her murderous, methed-out flame Jett Targo make their getaway ... making love behind the wheel.

EXT. THE SAFE HAVEN - REAR DECK - DUSK

Cal stands at the rear door. KNOCK-KNOCKS loudly.

CAL

Mrs. Crayce. It’s Detective Seely.

(KNOCKS again)

Haven Crayce, Detective Seely.

I have a search warrant.

He peers in the window. Sighs.

Pulls a pick out of his pockets.

Works it. The knob CLICKS.

INT. THE SAVE HAVEN - CONTINUOUS

Cal walks around, looking. Touching surfaces. Inspecting.

CAL

(to himself)

Nola Bliss could have walked in on them, surprised them.

Cal walks over to the bar. Picks up a glass. Squints at it.

CAL (CONT’D)

Real crystal.

He walks over to the case with the Oscar in it.

Sees a cracked glass panel.

CAL (CONT’D)

She walked in on them --

(leans down)

While they were --

(sees something)

BLOOD.

Cal straightens up. Massages the small of his back.

CAL (CONT’D)

It’s right out of one of his movies.

They were in the process of killing Dart Crayce --

and they had to shut her up.

(beat)

So who the fuck is Rush Madder?

His cell phone RINGS. He fishes it out. Listens.

CAL (CONT’D)

Seely.

(listens)

One of Targo’s clients?

(listens)

In the meat freezer?

(listens)

Yeah, someone would have to be pretty fucking strong to do THAT.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DRIVEWAY

Some sleazy 60’s go-go classic on the car stereo.

Haven sits behind the wheel.

Jett tosses a suitcase in the back seat.

JUMPS IN. Haven beams. Excited.

HAVEN

Hey, baby.

JETT

Hey, yourself.

HAVEN

Let’s blow this popsicle stick.

JETT

(laughs)

Popsicle stand. You are too cute.

Haven pulls out of the driveway. GUNS the engine.

HAVEN

I’m a hell of a lot more than CUTE, doll.

And don’t you forget it.

(cocks an eyebrow)

You ready to go all the way?

Do whatever it takes?

JETT

It’s just you and me baby,

together forever, right down the line.

(beat)

Whatever it takes.

Haven puts her hand on Jett’s.

HAVEN

I’ve been going nuts without you.

Slides it up toward the hem of her miniskirt.

Caressing her milky white thigh.

Trembling with tactile pleasure.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

I can’t stop thinking about what it’s gonna be like

when we’re finally alone together.

Jett reaches up, up, up --

HAVEN (CONT’D)

I’ve missed your touch --

Jett finds the prize. Magic fingers do their work.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

OMIGOD --

And she SCREAMS with pleasure.

JERKS the steering wheel.

The car FISHTAILS on the pavement.

Jett GRABS the wheel. Keeps working her special gift.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

I’m gonna --

(beat)

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And, as she reaches an earth-shattering crescendo,

CAMERA pulls back, swings out the rear window, where we see --

A CAR

following them. A beat-up, old Dodge Dart Swinger.

BEHIND THE WHEEL

is RUSH. Grim. Determined.

Lock, Stock And Two Smokin' Million

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. Are you ready for the weak-end? Ready to let one rip? Grab the world by the balls? Then come on over and get some hot-blooded, hardboiled pulp/noir action, at the coolest joint in town ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's scenario from A DISH BEST KILLED, where the lambs are about to go to the slaughter.

First up, homicide detective Cal Seely questions his no. 1 suspect in the killing of film director Dart Crayce, his widow's adulterous lover Jett Targo ...

While said widow, Haven Crayce, begins their getaway plan ...

INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON

Cal Seely stands in the doorway. Jett holds open the door.

CAL

Jett Targo?

JETT

Uh-huh.

CAL

Cal Seely, Sheriff’s office, homicide.

I’d like to come in and ask you a few questions.

(beat)

If you don’t mind.

JETT

No, no -- not at all. Come in.

He lumbers into the large studio apartment.

CAL

Thanks.

(looks around)

Nice and airy.

Must cost a fortune,

being right on the canal.

JETT

(bad fake laugh)

You’re not kidding.

(beat)

Can I get you anything -- some water?

CAL

No, thanks. I’m fine.

Jett sits on the couch. Smiles hopefully.

JETT

Have a seat.

CAL

No can do. Back is in spasm.

If I sit, I might not be able to get up again.

(strange laugh)

And I’m sure you don’t want a dick stuck in your house.

JETT

Uh, no --

CAL

Did you know a woman by the name of -- Nola Bliss?

JETT

She’s, uh -- the neighbor of one of my clients, Haven Crayce.

CAL

Was the neighbor.

JETT

Was? You mean something -- happened to her?

CAL

Nothing 'happened' to her. She was murdered.

We found her body in the trunk of a car that was towed --

(pulls out a notebook)

Belonging to a man by the named of Rush Madder, from Long Beach.

(beat)

You know him?

JETT

No, sorry. Never heard of him.

CAL

Funny. The car was parked right down the street from here.

JETT

Huh.

(beat)

Small world.

CAL

Where were you on the night of the 25th?

JETT

Uh -- that was Tuesday, right?

(off his nod)

I was home, watching a movie.

CAL

What movie?

JETT

A Dish Best Killed.

CAL

How ironic.

JETT

Ironic?

Pause.

CAL

Thanks for your time.

(gives her his card)

Here’s my number.

Give me a call if you remember anything.

(beat)

And please don’t leave town.

I might have some more -- questions for you.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Nodding. Faking nonchalance. Badly.

INT./EXT. VINTAGE CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE - MOMENTS LATER

A ‘68 model in candy apple red with a black leather interior.

The kind I’ll be able to afford when I sell this screenplay.

Haven drives up Via Marina with the top down

in shades and a big scarf, the wind WHIPPING her hair.

She talks on her cell.

HAVEN

Calm down, calm down. They don’t have anything.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOF DECK - CONTINUOUS

Jett paces, sips from a bottle of beer. Talks on her cell.

JETT

But they towed his CAR. They found -- her.

HAVEN

But he’s -- gone.

JETT

I know, I know, it’s just -- he knows something.

I can feel it.

(beat)

We gotta get the fuck out of Dodge.

What happened at the reading of the will?

HAVEN

It’s all mine, baby.

Lock, stock and two smokin’ million.

JETT

And the cash?

HAVEN

I just left the bank.

(smiles)

Got eight-hundred thousand under the hood.

That’s what I call horsepower.

JETT

You took out ALL of it?

Didn’t we agree it would be a good idea to leave --

HAVEN

Change of plan, baby. I closed the account.

Told them I was leaving the country.

Needed to start over, a new life.

JETT

Leaving the country?

HAVEN

We’re going to Mexico.

Find a place on the beach where it’s warm all the time

and it’s running hot and cold Margaritas.

JETT

(looks)

I see your car. I’ll be right down.

She pulls out a snifter.

HONKS up a bump. Grimaces.

JETT

(to herself)

Guess it's time for a hit and run holiday --

Get The Fuck Out Of My Face

Happy Thursday, crime fucks. How the fuck ARE ya? You ready for some hardboiled/pulp/noir pulse-pounding intrigue? Then put your boots up, pop open a cold one, and get ready for white-hot action ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED ...

First up, D-movie starlet Haven Crayce, now a murder suspect, hides from homicide dick Cal Seely and her dead husband's doctor, and calls her co-conspirator/lesbian lover Jett Targo on the phone to plot their strategy ...

Then Haven attends the reading of her late husband's will ... and is confronted by Dart's first wife.

Trust me, it's not pretty.

EXT. MARINA SLIP - THE SAFE HAVEN - NIGHT

All lights out on the Safe Haven. The boat looks ominous.

Spooky. Slowly bobbing in the water.

Cal Seely and Dr. Bing stand on the dock. Looking at it.

CAL

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

DR. BING

Sure, sure -- but she’s not home.

Cal squints at the boat. Chews on his unlit cigar.

CAL

She could be asleep.

DR. BING

Then why bother her now?

CAL

Element of surprise.

DR. BING

So -- you suspect her?

CAL

Insulin pump didn’t malfunction.

(puffs)

Battery was dead.

DR. BING

But she said she changed --

CAL

Exactly.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Haven kneels in front of the window.

Slowly pulls back the curtain a tiny bit.

Peers out.

HAVEN

(sees them outside)

Shit. Fuck. Goddammit.

She goes to the mini bar. Pours a stiff one.

Grabs a prescription bottle. Shakes out a couple pills.

Gulps them down. Chases it with a slug of her drink.

She pulls out her cell phone. PUNCHES a number. Listens.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Hey, it’s me.

(listen)

It’s done?

The doorbell RINGS.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Shit --

(listens)

It’s fucking Dr. Bing and that fat fucking cop --

(listens)

All the lights are off --

(listens)

No, it’s too dangerous.

Who knows how long they’ll be out there.

Just sit tight. I’ll call you tomorrow after I go to the bank.

The doorbell RINGS again.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

I’ll gonna have a bubble bath, listen to my Ipod.

If they come in, I’ll say I couldn’t hear the doorbell with the music on.

(listens)

Yeah. We’re almost there.

(listens)

Me too, baby. Straight down the line.

PUSH IN on Haven. Eyes burning with fire.

EXT. OCEAN FRONT DRIVE - MORNING

A POLICE IMPOUND VEHICLE is parked behind Rush’s VW bug,

clamped to its towing winch. The DRIVER starts the truck,

and slowly pulls away, to reveal --

On the windshield, a mass of PARKING TICKETS.

INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Haven sits alone at the end of a long, long conference table.

At the other end are a trio of STONE-FACED ATTORNEYS.

Also at the table are Dart’s FIRST WIFE (80’s),

a haggard-looking vulture of a woman. Beady eyes flickering.

Needless to say, the air is thick with anticipation.

Haven picks up a cut-glass goblet of water. Takes a tiny sip.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY

(reading from the will)

-- and I bequeath my entire estate to my second wife, Haven.

Haven blinks rapidly. The slightest trace of a smile cracks.

Nasty First Wife BANGS the table with her fist.

NASTY FIRST WIFE

That’s NOT FAIR. I was with him for FIFTY YEARS.

I was there when we was STARVING.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY

Quiet, please.

NASTY FIRST WIFE

(stands, SLAPS the table)

NO! I will NOT be QUIET! There must be some MISTAKE!

(points)

There’s no way in HELL he left all his money to that WHORE!

Haven stares at her. Blank-faced.

OILY ATTORNEY

Please, Ma’am. I don’t want have to call security.

Nasty PULLS OUT her chair. RACES over to Haven.

Oily picks up the phone. Speaks softly into it.

Nods. Hangs up.

NASTY FIRST WIFE

(gets in Haven’s face)

HARLOT. SLUT. You just married him for his MONEY.

HAVEN

Get the fuck out of my face, you old bag.

NASTY FIRST WIFE

(spits on Haven’s face)

Fucking CUNT.

Haven JUMPS UP. SMACKS Nasty on the face, HARD.

A pair of BEEFY SECURITY GUARDS race in. GRAB her.

NASTY FIRST WIFE (CONT’D)

Let GO OF ME. You CAN’T DO THIS.

HUGE SECURITY GUARD

I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with us.

The guards drag her out, KICKING and SCREAMING.

Haven takes out a handkerchief. Wipes her face.

HAVEN

I’m sorry for that -- outburst a moment ago.

I, I -- lost my temper.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY

I think you showed remarkable restraint.

OILY ATTORNEY

Indeed. I thought you were going to deck the bitch.

PUSH IN ON Haven. The barest hint of a smile.

HAVEN

I can’t imagine what he ever saw in her.

It’s The End Of The Line, Sucker

Happy Hump day, crime slicksters. Are you ready for a balls-out, bare-knuckled punch of hardboiled/noir/pulp fiction that'll knock you flat on your ass? Then you've come to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED. Better hold onto your laptops, kids, cause things are about to get bloody ...

D-movie starlet Haven Crayce's partner in crime Jett Targo and Rush Madder are about to dispose of sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz's dead body out at sea, when Jett suddenly turns the tables on Rush ... with a deadly surprise ...

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN HOUSEBOAT - NIGHT

Trimmer jumps out of bed. Stands. Puffs out his chest.

TRIMMER

You can’t shoot me. I’m a cop.

JETT

You’re confusing me with someone who gives a shit.

TRIMMER

(walks toward Jett)

Give me the gun.

Jett fires. BANG. BANG. BANG.

A trio of rose petals bloom on Trimmer’s wife beater.

He looks down, in shock.

TRIMMER (CONT’D)

You fucking SHOT me.

He staggers. GRABS onto the side table.

JETT

Well, whaddaya know.

Haven LEAPS out of bed. Goes to Jett. Gets behind her.

HAVEN

DIE, you fucking creep! DIE.

Trimmer slumps to the floor. Pulls out his cell phone.

TRIMMER

Gotta -- call -- this in --

Jett FIRES again. BANG. BANG. BANG.

Trimmer’s head hits the wall with a THUD.

Lights out. Blood pools in the carpet.

JETT

You’ve been suspended from duty, officer.

She looks at Haven. Bursts into WILD LAUGHTER.

HAVEN

You did it!

JETT

And it felt so GOOD.

Rush comes in. Out of breath.

RUSH

(to Jett)

I heard the shots. Is he -- you know.

HAVEN

Who are the fuck are YOU?

(to Jett)

Do you know this guy?

JETT

(to Rush)

I told you to stay in the car.

(to Haven)

It’s okay, he’s cool.

An old friend of mine from back home.

RUSH

Hey.

(holds his crotch)

Can I use the head? I gotta take a wicked piss.

HAVEN

Down the hall, second door on your left.

Rush ambles away.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Jett?

JETT

It’s a long story. Rush and I go way back.

He came to visit, and I can’t get rid of him.

He followed me the night we --

you know, so now he wants in.

Wants a cut for keeping quiet.

I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to --

HAVEN

You offered him a CUT OF THE FUCKING MONEY?

JETT

No, of course not. I just need his help with --

(points at Trimmer’s body)

This thing, and --

(whispers)

Then I’ll -- take care of him.

HAVEN

Goddammit, Jett.

(beat)

What can I do?

JETT

(looks at Trimmer)

Give me his uniform.

HAVEN

His uniform? Why do you want to --

PUSH IN ON Jett. Unbuckling her belt.

JETT

Burial at sea.

EXT. OCEAN - SHERIFF’S BOAT - NIGHT

Jett wears Trimmer’s uniform. Pilots the boat through the choppy water.

Rush looks out into the horizon.

The boat ZIPS across the waves, THUMPING on each crest.

She pulls the boat to a stop. Looks back the coastline.

JETT

This is far enough, c’mon.

She goes to the back of the boat. Rush follows.

We see Trimmer’s body, rolled up in a tarp. Tied to the anchor.

Jett grabs one end of the body. Rush, the other.

JETT (CONT’D)

On the count of three --

They slowly swing it back and forth --

JETT (CONT’D)

One -- two --

(beat)

THREE.

And THROW it over the side. SPLASH.

JETT (CONT’D)

Goodbye, asshole.

Rush pulls out a small glassine bag filled with white powder.

He scoops out a hit with a long fingernail. INHALES it.

Sniffs. Looks out into the horizon. Pensive.

RUSH

Sometimes I wish things could go back to the way they were.

(looks at Jett)

Ever feel that way?

JETT

Are you kidding? Trapped in that fucked-up small town?

Dealing drugs. Always looking over our shoulder.

Getting the fuck out of Kansas was the best thing we ever did.

(weird laugh)

Just look at us now.

RUSH

We were good together for awhile -- you know?

We had a lot of fun.

JETT

Oh, yeah. Three-day binges. Knocking off convenience stores.

Eating out of dumpsters. Misty water-colored memories.

(beat)

I know what I want now, Rush. You should figure that out, too.

RUSH

I told you, I’m bi.

JETT

So that’s why you sexually assaulted a customer.

RUSH

Shut up. I told you, he came on to ME.

And he was more than a customer, we were friends.

JETT

Then why did he try to KILL you?

RUSH

So I got carried away. I was high.

How was I supposed to know he had a gun?

(beat)

If you weren’t there to --

JETT

That was a long time ago.

I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.

(beat)

Can I get a hit of that?

RUSH

(hands her the bag)

Sure.

JETT

Can I borrow your keys?

Rush hands her his keys. Jett dips one in the bag,

HONKS up a big, fat hit. SKRRRRONK.

Rubs her nose. Puts the bag in her pocket.

Pulls out her GUN.

RUSH

What are you doing?

JETT

I’m sorry, Rush. But it’s gotta be this way.

(laughs)

Did you really think I was gonna share our fucking MONEY with you?

You didn’t do anything to HELP. NOTHING.

You’re a fucking LEECH, a LOSER --

RUSH

Don’t SAY THAT.

JETT

A STALKER, and a fucking DRUG ADDICT.

RUSH

NO!

Rush LEAPS at her. Jett WHACKS him on the head with her gun.

CRACK. Rush FLIES back against the railing.

JETT

It’s the end of the line, sucker.

Time to sleep with the fishes.

Rush GRABS Jett. Tries to get her gun.

They STRUGGLE. He CHOKES her in a bear hug.

Jett DROPS it. Rush KICKS it away.

RUSH

Fucking DYKE!

Jett LOSES IT. With insane, animal, meth-fueled strength,

she FLINGS his arms away. SPINS him around.

GRABS him, FLIPS him up, and TWIRLS him over her head like a toy.

JETT

HA-HA-HA-HA! How do you like THIS?

RUSH

NOOOOOO --

And THROWS him over the side. SPLASH.

Jett shakes her head. Rushing on the drugs.

Eyes darting madly. She walks over.

Picks up the gun. Goes to the wheel.

JETT

Sorry, officer. Didn’t know my own strength.

(laughs)

All ashore who’s going ashore.

You’re Confusing Me With Someone Who Gives A Shit

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. Will they ever shove a gun up your ass? Welcome back, my friends, to the the hardboiled crime that never ends. We're so happy you've arrived, come inside, come inside ... to That Killing Feeling ...

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where things are really heating up. So to speak.

First up, homicide detective Cal Seely is doing a little research at the local book store, and is closing in on our killers ...

Meanwhile, D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her adulteress lesbian lover/partner in crime Jett Targo have a showdown with Haven's double-crossing lover, sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz ... where things get ... a bit violent ...

INT. VENICE BOARDWALK - SMALL WORLD BOOKS - DAY

A bookworm’s delight. A cozy, cluttered joint filled to the rafters.

Young, HIPSTER LOCALS wander the aisles.

And Cal Seely’s there, too. He looks up at a section placard.

CRIME FICTION

he squints. Nods. Starts going down the aisle.

Runs his fingers across the spines, reading the authors.

He stops on one. Pulls it out. Examines the back cover.

His cell phone RINGS. Cal fishes it out. Flips it open.

CAL

Seely here.

(listens)

Chief. What’s up?

(listens)

With all due respect sir, I think he’s full of shit.

(listens)

Of course I think he’s involved. I think they both are.

Classic love triangle. You ever see that movie --

(listens)

Yeah. That’s where I’m going next. Fishing for DNA.

(beat)

Then I’m gonna check out the personal trainer.

Something smells fishy.

(listens)

You’re a goddamn laugh-riot.

(listens)

Much.

He CLICKS the phone shut. Looks at the book,

turns it around, revealing the title --

THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - LATER THAT EVENING

We hear a shower running in the next room.

Haven sits on the bed, casual in Juicy Couture.

Sipping a cocktail. She grabs her cell phone.

PUNCHES a number. Listens.

HAVEN

(a whisper)

It’s me.

(listens)

It’s time.

(listens)

Okay.

A toilet FLUSHES.

TRIMMER

walks in the room. Buckling his belt. Scowling.

She CLICKS the phone shut. Smiles.

TRIMMER

Who was that?

HAVEN

My mother.

TRIMMER

I thought you didn’t get along with your mother.

HAVEN

I don’t. She hit me up for money.

TRIMMER

Then why are you smiling?

HAVEN

Cause I said NO.

EXT. MARINA DOCK - NIGHT

Jett and Rush appear, both rakish in black.

They approach the Safe Haven.

Look at Trimmer’s Sheriff’s patrol boat anchored next to it.

Jett is amped. Eyes flashing.

JETT

That’s his boat.

(beat)

You go stay in the car, keep a lookout.

RUSH

What do I do if someone comes?

JETT

Call me. And stop them.

RUSH

Cool.

(pulls out a vial)

Wanna bump?

She nods. Takes it.

Unscrews the cap.

Under it, a tiny spoon.

She shovels out a hit, SNORTS it.

Then, another.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Ready to go.

JETT

Places, please.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Our star-crossed lovers are in bed. Trimmer lies next to Haven.

Stroking her hair. Haven pulls away. Pouts.

HAVEN

I’m not in the mood.

TRIMMER

Not in the MOOD?

HAVEN

I -- have a headache.

TRIMMER

Bullshit.

HAVEN

From all the stress.

The cops, the insurance people, my lawyer --

Like a cat, Trimmer moves on top of her.

TRIMMER

But its a great stress-reliever --

HAVEN

Trimmer, no -- I don’t want to --

TRIMMER

(pins her wrists down)

Who the fuck asked YOU?

HAVEN

Trimmer, don’t! Stop it! You’re hurting me!

JETT (O.C.)

Get the fuck off of her, asshole --

and put your dick back in your pants.

JETT

walks into the room.

Pointing her REVOLVER at Trimmer.

JETT (CONT’D)

(wild-eyed)

DO IT. NOW.

TRIMMER

(whirls around, sees her)

YOU?

JETT

Deputy. Funny seeing you here. Come here often?

Trimmer jumps out of bed. Stands. Puffs out his chest.

TRIMMER

You can’t shoot me. I’m a cop.

JETT

You’re confusing me with someone who gives a shit.

TRIMMER

(walks toward Jett)

Give me the gun.

Jett fires. BANG. BANG. BANG.

A trio of rose petals bloom on Trimmer’s wife beater.

He looks down, in shock.

TRIMMER (CONT’D)

You fucking SHOT me.

He staggers. GRABS onto the side table.

JETT

Well, whaddaya know.

Haven LEAPS out of bed.

Goes to Jett. Gets behind her.

HAVEN

DIE, you fucking creep! DIE.

Trimmer slumps to the floor.

Pulls out his cell phone.

TRIMMER

Gotta -- call -- this in --

Jett FIRES again. BANG. BANG. BANG.

Trimmer’s head hits the wall with a THUD.

Lights out. Blood pools in the carpet.

JETT

You’ve been suspended from duty, officer.

She looks at Haven. Bursts into WILD LAUGHTER.

Show Me Yours, And I’ll Show You Mine

Monday, Monday. So bad to me. Having a hard time getting back in the swing of things? Tired of your drab, dreary 9-to-5 existence? Then get your hardboiled/pulp/noir crime groove on at the coolest joint in town ... at That Killing Feeling.

I haven't posted about what's going on with my other projects lately because, well -- dammit, I've been too busy. But I've finished one of the two writing projects I was working on -- that strip club cable series pilot -- and now I have some breathing room. And I've just started working on a new joint, BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES, and I'm totally fucking stoked. So nice to be back in the crime groove. I was gettin' real itchy, only working on stuff for other people. But, bills need to be paid. I'll tell you more about the story as it unfolds -- maybe even post it while I'm writing it, like I did with GUN-WILD ...

Onto today's scene from A DISH BEST KILLED, where in my homage to DOUBLE INDEMNITY, D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her spurned adulterous lesbian lover/partner in crime Jett Targo meet cute at the local supermarket ... where Haven tries to win Jett back ... and then plot the death of sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz ...

But first, Jett and her old flame Rush Madder go buy a gun.

EXT. LINCOLN BOULEVARD - LUNA’S PAWN SHOP - DAY

A shitty cinder block bunker with bars on the windows

on the wrong end of Lincoln Boulevard. Se Hablo Espanole.

Jett and Rush stand at the door. Press the intercom button.

BUZZZZZZZZZ. They go in.

INT. PAWN SHOP - AT THAT MOMENT

Jett and Rush squint in the darkness.

A HEAVYSET LATIN GUY sits behind the counter.

He puts a wad of cash in a strong box. CLICKS it shut.

BEHIND THE COUNTER

we see he’s holding a 9MM automatic.

HEAVYSET LATIN GUY

Hola, amigo. What can I do for you today?

RUSH

You Luna?

LUNA

I’m Luna.

RUSH

You sell -- guns?

LUNA

(smiles)

Who told you that?

RUSH

Uh, guy named Ramirez, down in Long Beach.

Big guy, like you, rides with the Los Muertos cycle club.

Customer of mine.

LUNA

What do you sell?

RUSH

(pulls out a vial)

Show me yours, I’ll show you mine .

Luna smiles broadly, displaying rows of gold teeth.

LUNA

Ramirez, that fat fuck. Why didn’t you say so?

INT. JETT’S CAR - MOMENTS LATER

Jett holds a 38 special down low below the dashboard.

Stares at it, wide-eyed.

JETT

I like -- how it feels.

Rush points his SERVICE REVOLVER out the window. Takes aim.

RUSH

Just like back home shooting pigeons in the barn.

He squeezes the trigger. CLICK.

EXT. THE SAFE HAVEN - FORWARD DECK

Haven paces back and forth. Talks on her cell phone.

HAVEN

Jett? Where are you? Pick up.

(listens)

Jett, pick up. C’mon --

(listens)

I need to see you. We need to talk.

(beat)

I need -- your help.

(beat)

Tomorrow morning at 9, at the Food Town.

I’ll be in the produce aisle. Waiting for you.

(beat)

We need to talk. Okay?

BEEP.

She clicks the phone shut. Lost in thought.

INT. FOOD TOWN - DAY

Rows of fresh fruit. The joint’s all but deserted.

A SHOPPING CART appears.

It’s being pushed by Haven, wearing huge sunglasses.

Another CART pulls up next to it, pushed by Jett,

also in shades, and a baseball cap pulled down low.

HAVEN

Thanks for coming.

They start rolling the carts down the aisle.

JETT

You wanted to talk. So talk.

HAVEN

I’ve missed you, Jett.

I’ve missed you so much.

JETT

You sure have a funny way of showing it.

HAVEN

What that’s supposed to mean?

Jett stops her cart.

JETT

(hisses)

Trimmer Waltz. I saw you with him.

I know what’s going on.

What do you think I am, a fucking patsy?

(to herself)

I don’t even know why I’m here.

HAVEN

Trimmer and I, we --

(beat)

It started off as innocent fun,

but it didn’t mean anything --

and then I lost interest,

and tried to call it off.

JETT

Yeah, right.

HAVEN

It’s true, listen to me.

He said if I stopped seeing him,

he was going to tell Dart about us.

(beat)

And then he came up with his -- plan.

And then I saw you on the beach training people.

I was drawn to you.

(beat)

But what I didn’t expect -- was to -- fall for you.

And by then, it was -- too late.

(beat)

I fucked it all up, Jett. I’m sorry.

(beat)

So sorry.

Pause.

JETT

You expect me to believe that bullshit?

HAVEN

It’s the truth, Jett. I --

Haven lowers her shades. Eyes full of tears.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

I need you, Jett.

I gotta hole in my heart where you used to be.

If I can’t be with you, I’d rather die.

JETT

But Trimmer, I saw you --

HAVEN

I told you, it’s OVER.

Trimmer’s an ASSHOLE.

He’s a PIG, he’s so full of himself --

JETT

And you just figured that out?

HAVEN

I’ve been dying without you, Jett.

I want things to be the way they were --

you and me against the world.

Forever and ever.

Willing to do whatever it takes.

Jett’s nose starts running.

She wipes it on the back of her sleeve.

Stares at Haven.

JETT

I don’t know, I --

Haven looks around anxiously.

She takes Jett’s hand.

Slowly guide it up her skirt. Shivers.

HAVEN

(whispers)

See how wet you make me?

JETT

I, I --

HAVEN

(pulls her close)

Remember those three days we had all to ourselves?

It was so good. The happiest I’ve ever been.

Can’t you see I’m in love with you?

(beat)

Don’t you -- want me anymore?

JETT

(a whisper)

I, I do.

(embraces her)

Of course I do.

They hug for a long moment.

A FEMALE SHOPPER (50’s)

wheels her cart past them.

Stares disapprovingly.

Haven pulls away.

HAVEN

So you know what we have to do.

JETT

What?

HAVEN

We have to make him -- go away.

A strange smile flickers on Jett’s face. She looks around.

Reaches in her jacket pocket. Pulls out the REVOLVER.

JETT

You must be a mind-reader.

HAVEN

(sharp whisper)

Holy shit, put that away.

JETT

(pockets it)

So what’s the plan?

HAVEN

We need to act fast.

I’m going to the reading of Dart’s will tomorrow,

and then I’m gonna take all the money out of the bank.

So we gotta do it tonight.

JETT

Tonight?

HAVEN

Yeah. I’m meeting him on the boat later for dinner.

You know, consoling the grieving widow.

I’ll call you after he gets there, and then --

JETT

(points finger like a gun)

Hasta la vista, Deputy Waltz.

HAVEN

Yeah. And then we can be together.

We can go anywhere, do anything -- together.

JETT

Do whatever it takes.

PUSH IN ON Haven. Lowering her shades. Eyes full of fire.

HAVEN

Straight down the line.

Lesbo?

Ah. Sunday. A day of rest. But not for this hardboiled/pulp/noir slut. It's my sacred duty to bring you nothing but the darkest, the most twisted, depraved crimes on the planet. Right here, at ... That Killing Feeling.

Onto todays' juicy slice of A DISH BEST KILLED ... where D-movie starlet/murderess Haven Crayce's illicit secret lover, sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz, gets interviewed by homicide detective Cal Seely ... about the mysterious death of her husband, Dart ...

EXT. MARINA - SHERIFF’S SUBSTATION - DAY

An old, wooden shack at the edge of the pier.

The Sheriff’s skiff floats and bobs in the water nearby.

INT. SHERIFF’S SUBSTATION - DAY

Trimmer sits at his desk. Filling out a report.

Shitty 70’s ‘soft rock’ plays softly on a cheap boombox.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)

Anybody home?

TRIMMER

Entree, si vous plait.

Cal Seely ambles in. Perspiring in his overcoat.

CAL

Deputy Waltz?

TRIMMER

You’re lookin’ at him.

CAL

(flashes badge)

Detective Sergeant Cal Seely, Homicide.

TRIMMER

Please to meet you. Pull up a log.

CAL

(pulls out a cigar)

I like to stand. Mind if I smoke?

TRIMMER

I’m allergic. Sorry.

(looks)

That’s quite a stogie.

Freud would have a field day with THAT.

CAL

(not amused)

I’m investigating the death of Dart Crayce.

TRIMMER

The film director, on the houseboat. Yes. Tragic.

(shakes his head)

His poor wife.

CAL

Yes. His poor, young wife --

TRIMMER

Oh. Now listen, I’ve met her, she’s a nice lady.

No way she could have --

CAL

It’s a good motive. What was he -- 80 years old?

TRIMMER

85, I think.

CAL

And I’m sure he was worth a lot of money.

All those classic, old movies --

They look at each other. Thinking.

TRIMMER

If you ask me,

I think you should check out her personal trainer.

I’ve seen them working out --

and I sensed there was more going on than just --

weight lifting, if you know what I mean.

CAL

(pulls out notebook)

The trainer. What’s his name?

TRIMMER

HER name. Jett something. Jett --

Targo, that’s it. She’s a, you know --

(mimes flexing arm muscle)

Real strong.

CAL

Lesbo? They having an affair?

TRIMMER

God, no. It’s just that --

I’m out on my boat every morning, and I’d see them.

And, I dunno -- it’s a gut feeling.

You know --

(beat)

The way she’d look at Mrs. Crayce.

All hungry-like.

CAL

(narrows his eyes)

A gut feeling.

(off his nod)

Hungry-like.

PUSH IN ON Trimmer. A rude leer.

TRIMMER

Yeah, you know -- like an animal. Hungry.

I'm Gonna Kill The Motherfucker

Happy Saturdaze, crime freaks. Are you feeling a little disgruntled? Life gettin' you down? Need to blow off a little steam? Well, then why not head over to the coolest hardboiled/pulp/noir crime joint in town ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where the shit is about to hit the pan. So to speak.

Adulteress, lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo has just learned that her lover and partner in crime D-movie starlet Haven Crayce is cheating on her ... with sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz. So she enlists her old flame, tweaker/dealer Rush Madder ... to kill them.

INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Jett STORMS into the room. SLAMS the door.

Rush lolls on the couch watching TV, drinking a beer.

She walks over. Sees the mirror with the lines of speed

he’s been chopping up on the coffee table.

JETT

Okay, here’s the deal.

If you want your cut,

you’re gonna have to work for it.

(beat)

I need your help.

RUSH

Sure, sure. What can I do?

Jett sits down next to him. Looks at the drugs.

JETT

You know my -- friend?

RUSH

Haven?

JETT

Yeah. She’s --

(shudders)

She’s fucking the Sheriff’s deputy.

And they’re setting me up.

RUSH

Holy SHIT.

JETT

Mind if do one of those?

RUSH

Fuck, no. Now we’re talking.

(hands her a straw)

Madam, your carriage awaits.

JETT

(takes it)

Giddyap.

She leans down. SNORTS a line in her left nostril.

Then another in her right. She shakes her head. WHOOSH.

RUSH

You’re gonna be fucking flying, after being clean so long.

JETT

(SNORTS another)

Goddamn right.

RUSH

So what’s the plan? What can I help with?

JETT

I need you to help me -- get a gun.

Jett reaches over. Wets a finger in Rush’s water glass.

Touches it to her nose. SNORTS it.

RUSH

A gun? What for?

JETT

I’m gonna kill the motherfucker.

RUSH

But he’s a cop.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Eyes blazing with chemical fire.

JETT

Kinda like old times, huh?

Forgive And Forget Is For Suckers

Happy Friday, crime sluts. Welcome to the deepest, darkest, meanest, most depraved place on the planet. A place where you can get your cheap, nasty, dirty tricks, done dirt cheap ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's thrill ride from A DISH BEST KILLED, and this one's a shocker.

In which we discover that D-movie starlet/femme fatale Haven Crayce is about to double-cross and frame her murderous, adulterous lesbian flame Jett Targo ... with someone's who's idenity will shock you.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - GALLEY - MORNING

Haven’s at the bar. Mixing champagne and OJ in a pitcher.

HAVEN

Silly. It’s never too early for a MIMOSA.

(turns, to someone off-camera)

We have to celebrate.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)

The king is dead. Long live the queen.

Haven picks up the drinks, walks over to --

TRIMMER WALTZ

seated on the couch. Splayed out like he owns the joint.

TRIMMER

(takes a drink, smiles)

Thank you, my love.

(pats the couch)

Come sit next to me, my little firecracker.

Haven sits next to him. Sips her drink.

HAVEN

Who you calling a firecracker?

TRIMMER

I can’t believe it. We’re almost done.

(beat)

When’s the reading of the will?

HAVEN

Tomorrow.

TRIMMER

Eight-hundred thousand smackeroos.

(toasts)

Here’s to that cabin up in Big Bear.

They CLINK. Sip.

HAVEN

I know we talked about Big Bear, but I was thinking --

TRIMMER

Whoah. That could be dangerous.

HAVEN

Shut up. Listen to me.

(sips)

I think it might be better if we went to Mexico.

You know, one of those little fishing towns on the coast,

like in That Killing Feeling.

TRIMMER

But I don’t speak Spanish --

OUTSIDE ON THE DECK

Jett stands near the open window, shade down, listening.

IN THE GALLEY

Haven gets up. Goes to the bar, fixes another drink.

HAVEN

I just think it would be -- safer. The cops couldn’t touch us.

TRIMMER

That’s true.

(finishes his drink)

Tell you what. We’ll think about it.

(beat)

And what about Ms. Targo?

(nasty laugh)

Or should I say MR. Targo --

HAVEN

Nola’s body. I find out where she’s stashed it --

and then you tip off Detective Seely.

TRIMMER

You’re an evil genius, baby.

(beat)

But you know that.

HAVEN

(evil grin)

Takes one to know one.

TRIMMER

I gotta ask you something.

(beat)

Didn’t you like it -- at least a little bit --

when that buff, young specimen went down on you?

HAVEN

What the fuck?

TRIMMER

Well, they say only a woman knows what another woman wants --

Haven DOWNS her cocktail. Starts fixing another.

HAVEN

Don’t be ridiculous.

TRIMMER

It’s okay, baby. I find it -- kind of a turn-on.

(eyes narrow)

If things were different, I might just wanna -- join in.

HAVEN

(snorts)

As if.

TRIMMER

Excuse me?

She takes a sip. Lights a smoke. Crosses over to him.

HAVEN

You think she was my first?

(laughs)

That’s what all you guys want. To join in.

(beat)

Fucking creepy.

Trimmer stares. Be careful here.

TRIMMER

Hey, now -- I was just kidding, baby doll.

Just tryin’ to get a rise out of you.

Let’s not fight.

HAVEN

You started it.

He gets up. Puts his arms around her.

TRIMMER

I’m sorry.

(touches her chin)

You forgive me, baby?

PUSH IN ON Haven. Faint smile. Eyes off somewhere else.

HAVEN

Forgive and forget is for suckers.

OUTSIDE ON THE DECK

Jett blinks back tears. Turns. Quietly walks away. Head down

That Little Whore

Happy Thursday, crime hipsters. Are you ready for a no-holds-barred joyride straight to hell? A full-on assault on everything that's decent? Then get your skinny little asses over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where things are really heating up.

First up, D-movie starlet/murderess Haven Crayce gets grilled by homicide detective Cal Seely ...

While her adulterous lesbian lover/'personal' trainer Jett Targo trains a client ... with deadly results.

EXT. MARINA SLIP - THE SAFE HAVEN - MORNING

Haven sits at the workout machine, working her arms.

A FIGURE IN BLACK appears.

Meet CAL SEELY (50’s), short, squat homicide detective.

Face like an old potato. Chewing on an unlit cigar.

Rumpled, in a shitty suit and a fedora.

SEELY

Excuse me. Are you Mrs. Crayce?

HAVEN

(turns, looks)

Uh-huh. Who are you?

He walks over, hands her a business card.

SEELY

Detective Cal Seely. Homicide.

(squinting in the sun)

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

HAVEN

(reading the card, heart pounding)

Of course not. Come inside, it’s cooler in there --

INT. SAFE HAVEN - GALLEY - MOMENTS LATER

Haven sits on the couch with a glass of ice tea.

Seely takes a sip of his, slowly walks around the room.

HAVEN

Please, sit. Make yourself at home.

SEELY

I’m comfortable standing, thank you.

(squints)

That a real Oscar?

HAVEN

Uh-huh.

SEELY

Smaller than I thought it’d be --

(turns, looks at her)

Thanks for seeing me like this, during your -- time of grief.

HAVEN

Sure.

SEELY

Damn good ice tea.

(beat)

Now you said your husband’s insulin pump wasn’t on.

How could that be? Didn’t he need that -- to live?

HAVEN

Yes, he did.

(beat)

The battery must have been -- defective.

I changed the battery once a week, on Sunday --

SEELY

Yesterday was Sunday.

HAVEN

Exactly. I normally change it in the morning,

when he got up, but with all the excitement --

he got home from the hospital yesterday --

SEELY

Why was he in the hospital?

HAVEN

He was -- having some tests.

He had a -- bad fall last week,

and his doctor wanted to make sure everything was --

you know, okay.

SEELY

And was everything okay?

Haven looks at him. Eyes cloud up with tears.

HAVEN

Yes. Everything was -- okay.

SEELY

So then when did you change the battery?

HAVEN

Right before the movie. We watched a movie every night.

(inhales)

We had some wine, he fell asleep. After it was over,

I went down to the guest room to meditate --

I listen to music while I’m meditating on my Ipod.

SEELY

I see.

(beat)

But if you were listening to music on headphones,

how did you -- hear him?

PUSH IN ON Haven. Eyes liquid-bright.

HAVEN

It was a -- quiet song.

(beat)

You know -- meditation music.

EXT. BEACH CONDO - OUTDOOR PATIO - AT THAT MOMENT

Jett is training the Fat, Sweating Venture Capitalist

we met earlier on the beach.

Fat lies on a bench under a barbell

ringed with weights clamped in a cradle above him.

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST

That looks like -- too much weight.

JETT

It’s only an extra ten pounds, Tyledge.

You told me you want to be ripped.

TYLEDGE

Yeah, I do.

JETT

Well, then -- let ‘er rip.

(beat)

Relax. I’m spotting you. Just go nice and slow.

Fat looks up. Nods. GRABS the barbell,

slowly lifts it up off the rack. Straining and wheezing.

Jett’s cell phone VIBRATES in her pocket.

She fishes it out. It’s a text message.

TYLEDGE

(pushing, straining)

I, uh -- I can’t -- it’s, it’s slipping --

But Jett is reading the message. It’s from Rush. On his way.

JETT

(under her breath)

Shit.

TYLEDGE

HELP, it’s gonna --

The weight is too much for Tyledge, his grip slips,

and the barbell SLAMS DOWN on his neck.

TYLEDGE (CONT’D)

GAAAAAAA!

Jett WHIPS her head around.

JETT

FUCK!

She GRABS the barbell, TOSSES it aside.

It CRASHES into a glass table,

SHATTERING it into a million pieces.

Tyledge GRABS his throat, SCREAMS in pain.

TYLEDGE

Fucking bitch! You trying to KILL me?

JETT

I’m sorry, I was -- on the phone --

TYLEDGE

Get the FUCK OUT OF HERE.

You’re FIRED, you HEAR ME?

(beat)

Fucking DYKE.

JETT

WHAT did you call me?

TYLEDGE

You heard me.

(ominous)

You’re gonna hear from my lawyer.

I’m gonna take you for every cent you have.

(beat)

So, tell me.

Do you have to strap one on to satisfy that little whore?

Jett rears back and SUCKER-PUNCHES him under the chin,

sends him FLYING. He SLAMS down,

CRACKING his head on the pavement.

JETT

Shit.

She feels his neck for a pulse. Nothing. He’s DEAD.

JETT (CONT’D)

NO.

Jett looks around. Nobody. Everyone is at work.

She grabs Tyledge by the ankles, drags him into the house.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

Jett pulls the large body through the lux living room.

IN THE BASEMENT

She drags him down the stairs,

his body going THUNK, THUNK, THUNK on each step.

Talk about ‘dead weight.’

They get to the bottom. Jett looks around, sees --

A LARGE FREEZER

One of those industrial-sized ones that lies horizontally.

JETT

drags Tyledge to the freezer. Opens it.

Sees a mountain of steaks, chops and meat.

She starts pulling them out.

DISSOLVE TO:

Jett TOSSES meat packages into the freezer, covering the body.

All we can see is his head. She FLIPS one last steak in,

which covers his face.

SLAMS the lid closed.

JETT

That'll teach you to call me a fucking DYKE.

Now That's What I Call Dwarf Tossing

Happy Hump Day, crime fucks. Ready to get yer ya-yas out? Then put your feet up, pop open a cold one, and get ready for the hardboiled/noir/pulp ride of your life ... or death ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's rip-roaring episode from A DISH BEST KILLED. It's a big shock reveal when D-movie starlet Haven Crayce's adulterous lesbian lover Jett Targo finds out that her old friend from Kansas Rush Madder knows all about their murderous scheme ... and now wants in.

A little blackmail, anyone?

INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Jett quietly closes the door. Tip-toes into her apartment.

The TV is on. Loud. Machine guns. EXPLOSIONS.

JETT

Rush.

Rush sits on the couch. Turns, looks.

RUSH

Hey, what’s up.

Jett goes to the table.

Grabs the remote.

PUNCHES mute.

JETT

I thought you’d sleep -- longer.

RUSH

I can’t crash more than a couple hours.

He leans over, HONKS up a big, fat line.

RUSH (CONT’D)

(offers straw, evil grin)

Wanna bump?

JETT

No, I told you I --

RUSH

That’s an awesome houseboat.

It’s so fucking BIG.

JETT

Houseboat?

RUSH

Yeah, the one your -- friend lives in.

(beat)

Or should I say girlfriend?

JETT

How did you, what did you --

RUSH

I saw her address on the fridge.

Got curious when I saw it was a boat.

Walked over.

(another line)

Man, that was some fight, huh?

Who knew a fucking MIDGET could be so strong?

JETT

Rush --

RUSH

Now THAT’S what I call dwarf tossing.

He grabs his beer off the table.

Takes a slug. Big grin.

JETT

Now wait a minute --

RUSH

No, YOU wait a minute.

(enjoying his power)

What did you do with the body?

Pause.

JETT

What do you want?

You wanna -- stay here awhile?

RUSH

Hell, no. I figure with my cut I can get my own pad.

JETT

Your CUT?

RUSH

You killed her husband for the insurance money, right?

Old fuck’s gotta be loaded.

I saw on the news he was some

famous old-time director or some shit.

JETT

And if I give you a -- cut,

you’ll go away, leave me alone.

RUSH

Yeah.

(stands)

Can I have my keys?

JETT

Where are you going?

RUSH

I gotta go home, sort out some business,

get some supplies, some clothes.

Don’t worry, I’ll be back right away.

Wanna be here for the big payoff.

Jett TOSSES Rush’s keys.

He CATCHES them.

JETT

How much -- do you want?

RUSH

I’m thinking -- half.

JETT

HALF?

RUSH

You really scared me.

I haven’t see you go off like that

since the thing in Kansas.

(beat)

This time you can bury it yourself.

Rush starts for the door.

JETT

The body’s in the trunk of your car.

So I suggest you drive carefully.

RUSH

(stops, spins around)

What the fuck?

JETT

Hey -- if you’re in this,

you gotta earn your share.

I Hope They Have Hand Jobs In Hell

Greetings, hardboiled crime fans. Are you ready to get down and dirty? Ready for another deep, dark slab of film noir served hot as hell? Then get your ass over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where the shit has hit the proverbial fan. Now that D-movie starlet/femme fatale Haven Crayce's husband is dead, she must deal with the cops, and his doctor ... while her adulterous lesbian lover Jett Targo has to dispose of a certain dead midget ...

EXT. VIA MARINA DRIVE - NIGHT

It’s late. Only the occasional car.

An empty bus WHOOSHES by.

We see Jett on the sidewalk, carrying the gym bag.

CLOSE ON THE BAG --

as it leaks a red spot of BLOOD on the concrete.

EXT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - ROOF DECK - AT THAT MOMENT

Haven talks on her cell phone. Paces frantically.

HAVEN

It’s my husband,

he fell off our boat into the water,

he was in insulin shock, and he --

(listens)

Tahiti Way. Slip 52, it’s a big, old houseboat.

Two and a half stories, brown.

(listens)

YES, he’s still in the water!

(listens)

But -- I can’t swim --

(listens)

Haven Crayce. My -- husband’s name is Dart, Dart Crayce!

(listens)

I was meditating, listening to music, and -- I heard a noise, and --

(listens)

Okay. Okay. Please hurry!

(listens)

Thanks, BYE!

Haven dials another number. Listens. Voice mail. Shit.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Dr. Bing! It’s Haven! You have to come, quick,

Dart fell off the boat, and I don’t know what to do!

I called 911, but they’re not here yet,

and I don’t know how to swim --

BEEP.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Okay --

She goes to the railing. Looks down.

HAVEN (CONT'D)

Goodbye, sucker. I hope they have hand jobs in hell.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - FRONT ENTRANCE

Jett stands on the stoop, fishes out her keys. Sees Rush’s.

A lightbulb pops. She smiles grimly, turns around.

DOWN THE STREET

Rush’s beat-up Volkswagon bug is parked at the end.

JETT

opens the trunk. Puts the bag in. SLAMS it shut.

JETT

Sorry, Rush. Just for a little while.

Until I can figure out what to do with it --

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - DECK

Haven stands with Dr. Bing as EMS TECHNICIANS

carry Dart’s body in a bag on a gurney off the boat.

They watch, as Haven dabs her eyes with a handkerchief.

A YOUNG, LATINA COP takes Haven’s statement.

YOUNG, LATINA COP

Do you know why your husband fell in the water?

HAVEN

I don’t know. I was meditating, listening to my Ipod --

and I heard a noise, and came up on deck.

He was standing there, at the railing --

YOUNG, LATINA COP

What was he doing out there so late?

HAVEN

He was having -- an attack. Insulin shock.

YOUNG, LATINA COP

What from? Too much insulin?

HAVEN

No. Not enough --

YOUNG, LATINA COP

How did you know that?

HAVEN

I’m a -- I was a -- nurse.

His insulin pump -- wasn’t on.

YOUNG, LATINA COP

How could you tell?

HAVEN

It has this, blinking light, and it, it --

(a sob)

Wasn’t blinking.

She breaks down, crying.

Dr. Bing puts his arm around her.

Consoles her. Looks at the cop.

DR. BING

Will that be all, officer?

This woman is distraught over the loss of her husband.

I’d like her to get some rest.

The cop looks at Haven. Narrows her eyes.

YOUNG, LATINA COP

That’ll be all for now.

(hands Dr. Bing her card)

Call me if she remembers anything else.

The cop tips her cap. Walks away.

DR. BING

(leads her to the couch)

Come, my dear. Lie down.

I’ll give you something to help you get some sleep.

She gets on the couch. Curls up in the fetal position.

HAVEN

I’m afraid to fall asleep --

every time I close my eyes, I see --

him, in the water.

Dr. Bing pulls a large syringe from his bag. SQUIRTS it.

DR. BING

Not to worry. I’m going to give you something

that’ll make you sleep like the dead.

(gives injection)

I want you to count backwards from one-hundred.

HAVEN

One-hundred, ninety-nine --

(drowsy)

Ninety -- eight --

And she’s out. Dr. Bing watches her.

Fishes out the cops’ card. His cell phone.

Dials a number. Listens.

DR. BING

(reads off the card)

Hello, Officer -- Vargas?

It’s Dr. Bing Birmingham,

we just spoke with you --

(listens)

Yes, I do.

I’d like to have that insulin pump checked out.

See if it was defective.

(listens)

It’s already going to the lab? Excellent.

(listen)

You, too -- thanks.

He hangs up. Looks at Haven. Sleeping peacefully.

DR. BING (CONT’D)

I can’t put my finger on it,

but I think there’s something’s rotten in the state of Denmark.