Have Blonde, Will Travel

Happy Monday, crime kids! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

As some of you might know, my favorite character in all of my work is private eye Carrie Love. I've written a trilogy of stories featuring her, as well as two other screenplays that aren't connected. Well, this year I decided to write a drama pilot for cable TV featuring my fave hardboiled babe, and I'm please to unveil it here on That Killing Feeling. It's called LEGS, and it's right now over at HBO, Showtime and a couple other places, so get ready, cause this baby's coming soon, right into your home. But first, check out the pilot script ...

FROM DUSK 'TILL DUNGEON.


EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - NIGHT
A canyon of airbrushed high-rise condos in Westwood
glitters on a hot summer night.
Deserted at four in the morning.

A red ‘69 CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE ROARS down the street.
The kinda ride I’m gonna snag when this show goes to series.

INT. CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT
Behind the wheel is CARRIE LOVE (30),
long chestnut tresses
frame a heart-shaped face.

Cruel red lips. Bloody blue eyes.
Legs for days. And nights.
Smokin’ hot bod that never quits.

Until it’s done.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s me, behind the wheel.
Homicide Detective Carrie Love,
at your service.
Have blonde, will travel.
(beat)
Most people call me 'Legs.'
People say my legs are my best feature.
Comes from rollerblading ten miles a day.
Being five foot ten doesn't hurt, either.
More legs per square inch.
(beat)
I think my best features
are my ironic smile and my rapier wit.
But what the fuck do I know?
Most guys just stare at my boobs.

Seated next to her in the passenger seat
is LEXI STEEL (17), vixen from another planet.

Rail-thin. Blonde hair WHIPPING in the wind.
Heart-stopping in ‘naughty schoolgirl’ threads.

Right now she’s lighting a joint.
Hands it to Carrie.

LEXI
Reefer madness, baby --

Carrie sees it. Smiles.
GRABS it. Takes a puff.

CARRIE
No woman, no fry --

LEXI
So you live AT the beach?

CARRIE
Swingin’ bachelorette pad deluxe, baby.
Venice beach a-go-go.
Hot and cold running pleasure,
on tap, twenty-four-seven.
(looks at her)
But I don’t fuck on the first date.

LEXI
THAT’S a shame --

CARRIE (V.O.)
I’d picked her up at
Girl Bar in Beverly Hills.
Had just suffered a nasty break up
with the latest monogamy victim,
and needed a baby botox
Rodeo Driver to cleanse the palate.
Tastes great, less willing.
Nice house, owner on permanent vacation --
(beat)
You get the idea.

Carrie takes another hit on the joint.
Looks at Lexi.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
It tastes funny. Is there --

LEXI
Angel dust? Yeah.
Pepper-minty FRESH.
Carrie squints.
Vision going blurry.
Gripping the wheel.

CARRIE
NO! It’s fucking up my HEAD --

EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - NIGHT
The Caddy FLIES AROUND A CURVE.
Reaches an intersection.

The light is yellow. FLASHES to red.
But Carrie doesn’t see it, and BARRELS through.

Luckily, there’s no one around --

Except for a TAXI CAB
that appears out of nowhere.

The Caddy CLIPS IT
and goes INTO A SPIN,
the weight of the monster vehicle
working like centrifugal force.

Carrie tries to HIT THE BRAKES,
but rushing on the drug,
she accidentally HITS THE GAS --

And the car SHOOTS FORWARD,
JUMPS the curb, and FLIES INTO
the glass windows of a BANK.

Glass SPRAYS IN THE AIR like a fountain.
An alarm starts SHRIEKING --

INT. BANK - NIGHT
And the Caddy FLIES into the bank,
SMASHING through desks,
SPRAYING wood and plaster
until it HITS the row of teller windows
and comes to a stop with a CRUNCH.

SPRINKLERS go off.
Water comes RAINING DOWN ON them.

Carrie watches Lexi FLY THROUGH
the windshield and HIT the wall
like a ruined rag doll.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And then my life ended as I knew it --

INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT
A team of DOCTORS and TECHS
fight to save Lexi’s life.

TEARING off her clothes.
Giving her blood. Sewing her up.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Turned out Lexi was the daughter
of the chief of police --
AND she was underaged.
(sings)
'I am seventeen, going on forty' --
(beat)
And, being a cop, driving under
the influence of booze and narcotics
with a minor at WAY past the speed limit
at four AM was the trifecta of clusterfucked.
(beat)
Not to mention fucking up a BANK.
(beat)
Oh, and the 'naughty schoolgirl' outfit?
That was her REAL uniform --

INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Carrie stands behind a desk
wearing a suit with her ATTORNEY (40’s),
a hawk-nosed civil servant.

The POLICE CHIEF (50’s)
sits in the witness box, red-faced.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I was lucky I didn’t go to jail.
The only thing that saved my ass
was my arrest record --
(beat)
And the fact that the chief wanted
to keep his darling daughter’s exploits
out of the tabloids.

Lexi sits in the spectator section
in a wheelchair with an IV drip
and a stern-looking private nurse.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Let this be a lesson to you.
Don’t drink and drive,
obey all traffic laws,
and be VERY careful about
who you hook up with
on a Saturday night.
(beat)
Trust me.
Fucking up your boss’s daughter
kinda ass-rapes the career path --