No Business Like Monkey Business

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love shows up at the porn shoot to meet with her new client, the 'hearing aid guru to the stars,' and 'meets cute' with adult film star Laura Wood, and more than sparks fly ...


EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - DAY
A vintage black Porsche convertible FLIES
up the coast through a tunnel of palm trees
in the picture-perfect sunshine.
View of the azure ocean sparkles invitingly.

INT. VINTAGE PORSCHE CONVERTIBLE - DAY
The pop-metal CRUNCH of the Divinyl’s BULLET
spits shards of broken glass over Carrie.

Cool in black.
Cigarette dangling from her lips.
Nodding her head to the music.

CARRIE (V.O.)
'The Hearing Aid Guru To The Stars?'
What the fuck is up with THAT?
(beat)
I guess beggars can’t be choosers,
and right now, this beggar
chooses to pay the bills --

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DRIVEWAY - DAY
An incredibly HUGE Tudor monstrosity.
A bright blue swimming pool juts out
into the sky over the cliff on stilts as if on a dare.

Life on the edge. Literally.

Carrie stands in the driveway.
Stares at the house.

CARRIE
The hills are alive with the sound of money --

She walks up to the front door.
RINGS the bell. The door FLIES open.

A GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE emerges.
Big pot belly. Long, greasy ponytail.

Cigar clamped in this teeth.
He squints at Carrie. Smiles.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
Hey, mamma. You got your test?

CARRIE
My -- test?

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
HIV test. Get get on set without it.

CARRIE
Hate to burst your beer-belly, fella --
but I’m not talent.
I’m a private investigator,
here to see Dick Daerr, the owner --

She hands him her card.
Smiles brightly.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
(reads it)
'Fast, cheap and out of control?'

CARRIE
That’s me. But you can call me Legs.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
Goddamn, sister.
You ever think of bein’ in an adult film?

CARRIE
Nah. Unless you heard Hell froze over?

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
And ya got a mouth on ya --
(smiles)
Wait right here. I’ll go get ‘em.

He goes back inside.
Carrie waits a moment.

Looks at the open door.
Then quietly slips inside.

INT. MANSION - FOYER - DAY
LAURA LANG (20’s) stands at her mark
in a cheap Chanel knock-off
that flies off her curves.
Studies her lines.

Blonde, impossibly Brit-beautiful.
Indigo eyes burn with mischief.
Cruel lips sneer with promises best not kept.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was one of those moments
that only happen a couple
of times in your life.
If you’re lucky.
All of a sudden I was
face to face with the
most incredibly stunning creature
I’d ever seen.

LAURA
(off the script)
Oh my god.
It’s so fucking huge.
I don’t think I can take it all.
(closes her eyes, memorizing)
Oh my god. It’s so fucking huge --

Carrie watches.
Stopped in her tracks.

LAURA
Fuck.

CARRIE
'I don’t think I can take it all.'

LAURA
(opens her eyes)
What?

CARRIE
The rest of the line.

LAURA
Oh. Right.

They both stare.

CARRIE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
I was just passing through --

LAURA
You’re -- visiting someone?

CARRIE
Yeah. Dick Daerr, the, uh --
owner of the house --

LAURA
You’re WAY too young
to need a hearing aid --

CARRIE
I’m a -- private detective.
Here on -- business.

LAURA
Well, there’s no business
like monkey business, I always say --
(beat)
I’m Laura.

CARRIE
Carrie. Carrie Love.

LAURA
I bet you do.

CARRIE
I’m -- sorry?

A tall, thin, bird-like GUY (40’s) trots in.
Nervous, twitching.

It’s THE DIRECTOR. Meet Nick Orleans,
Tarzana’s answer to Stanley Kubric.
Minus the talent.

NICK
Laura, there you are.
We’re ready to do the, uh --
strap-on thing.

LAURA
Oh, alright. If you insist.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Love.
(a whisper)
I need to have a word with you -- later.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Smitten. Speechless.

CARRIE
A -- word.
(beat)
Later --