When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Codependent

Happy Tuesday, crime-busters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling ...

In Chapter 7 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love needs to get the arrest record of her new client's missing daughter, so she goes and visits her ex-husband and ex-partner Bernie Keko, at police headquarters ...


EXT. SANTA MONICA POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DUSK
A run-down, faded joint built in the 70’s
right next to City Hall.

Bucolic grounds, sprinkled with
just the right amount of homeless people.
COPS leave and enter the building.

Carrie’s car pulls into a space in front.
She gets out. Marches toward the entrance.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was strange being back,
but I needed to get
Dina Daerr’s police record.
And there was one person on the force
I could still go to for help --
(beat)
My ex-husband.
And ex-partner -- Bernie.
(beat)
That’s right.
When the going get tough,
the tough get codependent.

INT. DETECTIVE’S SQUAD ROOM - DUSK
A small, cramped, cluttered office
brought you by the color puke.

A warren of old desks litter the joint.
Seated at one is a BIG COP (40’S).
Right now he’s talking on the phone.

BIG COP
Bullshit, Harry. You can’t let him WALK.
There was enough DNA at the crime scene
to make Marg Helgenberger wet her pants --

Meet homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s).
Armenian, good-looking on a budget.
Formerly buff, now a bit gone to seed.

Carrie walks in.
RAP-RAP-RAPS on the door sill.

Bernie TURNS, looks.
Sees her. Face goes white.

BERNIE
(into the phone)
Gotta go.
The succubus just walked in.
Call you later --
(listens, eyes her)
That’s right.
If you don’t hear back from me,
notify my next of kin.

He SLAMS down the phone.
Stares at Carrie. Disbelieving.

BERNIE
Legs. What the fuck
are YOU doing here?

CARRIE
Nice to see you too, Bernie.

BERNIE
You got a lotta nerve,
I’ll give you that.

CARRIE
There once was a time
you loved 'a lot of nerve.'

BERNIE
And there once was a time
when you still FUCKED GUYS.

CARRIE
The Big Bang, I believe?

BERNIE
You realize the chance
you’re taking, showing up here?
If the chief sees you,
he’s gonna blow his stack.

CARRIE
Better that than his load --

BERNIE
You didn’t come here
to do the Tracy-Hepburn dance with me.
Enough witty repartee.
Out with it.

CARRIE
I need you to get me
someone’s arrest record.

BERNIE
Oh? And just why would I
do that for a civilian?

CARRIE
I’m now a licensed private investigator,
working a case.

BERNIE
Look out, Sam Spade --
(beat)
No, wait.
More like Sue Grafton.
'B Is For Bitch.'

CARRIE
'C Is For Carpet Muncher' --

Bernie stares. Incredulous.
Then EXPLODES with laughter.

CARRIE
One way or another,
I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha --

BERNIE
Gimme the name,
and I’ll see what I can do.
Just get the fuck outta here
before the chief sees you, okay?

CARRIE
Dina Daerr. Twenty years old.
Lives in the Hollywood Hills on Queens Road.
Ran away from Daddy, Dick Daerr.
(smiles)
Thanks, Bernie. I owe you one.

BERNIE
You owe me a hundred. Go. Now.
I’ll call you when I have something.
Then you can buy me a beer
and tell me the secrets
of the saphic arts.

CARRIE
'The saphic arts?'
Color me impressed.

Pause.

BERNIE
You’re looking good.
Still rollerblading?

CARRIE
Every day --
(beat)
You still pass out on the couch
watching old movies?

BERNIE
Every night.
(beat)
I’ll call you when
I get her record, okay?

CARRIE
Thanks, Bernie.

BERNIE
Legs. Go. Scoot. If the chief --

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Wistful.

CARRIE
Yeah. See ya --