Tricks Are For Chicks

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of WILSHIRE BOULEVARD, the shit hits the fan when homicide dick Bernie Keko calls his ex-wife/ex-partner, private eye Carrie Love and demands she turn herself in for the murders of Harvey Flender and Roland Yavo, who at the moment is drowning her sorrows in a dive bar ...


INT. THE OFFICE - MORNING
Paul Anka’s shaken-not-stirred cover of
BLACKHOLE SUN coos on the jukebox.
Behind the bar, Axel cleans a glass.

Carrie sits on a stool
with a beer and a shot.

Looks like death warmed over.
Brittle. Lost. Haunted.

AXEL
So I guess you’re a regular now.

CARRIE
More like an irregular.

AXEL
So you have the day off
from the detective thing?

CARRIE
Hey. Like the sign says,
‘get the day started right.’

AXEL
I might look like
an asshole shit-kicker,
but I’m a good listener.
At least my girlfriend says so --
(beat)
Wanna tell me about it?

Carrie drinks the amber liquid.
SLAMS the shot glass down.

CARRIE
Keep ‘em coming.

AXEL
(pours)
I didn’t mean to pry.
You just look like you
could use a friend.

She DOWNS it.
CRACKS the glass on the bar.
Axel pours.

CARRIE
(sips her beer)
Well, let’s see.
First, my girlfriend left
the country without saying goodbye,
then a one-night stand hired me
to find out who killed her husband,
so I just HAD to
fuck her receptionist --
and then, OH YEAH, my
fucking HOUSE BURNED DOWN,
and I LOST EVERYTHING,
so I BEAT THE SHIT
outta the guy who did it,
and ALMOST KILLED him.
(DOWNS the shot)
Ahhhhh.
Get the day started right.
(burps)
Oh, yeah -- jail was nice, too.

AXEL
That’s some fucked-up shit.
I’m sorry.
(beat)
Fuck.

She points at the shot glass.
Smiles, evil.

AXEL
Maybe you should slow it down a bit.
You have any breakfast yet?
(off her silence)
How ‘bout I fix you a cheeseburger?
Get somethin’ in yer belly.

CARRIE
(a whisper)
That would be -- really nice of you.

Axel nods.
Shuffles into the back.

Carrie crumples.
About to lose it.

Her cell RINGS.
She fishes it out. Listens.

CARRIE
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT./EXT - UNMARKED CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Aya drives. Bernie speaks on the car phone.
White-faced.

BERNIE
Carrie?

CARRIE
Bernie.
How’s tricks?
Oh, that’s right,
tricks are for chicks.

BERNIE
Not so good, Carrie.
(beat)
The ballistics report shows
your gun killed Flender.

CARRIE
You mean the Magnum?
(mumbles, to herself)
So it didn’t just disappear.
I knew someone fucking took it.

BERNIE
The revolving door on your bedroom
won’t work as an alibi, Carrie.
(ominous)
We have a big problem.

CARRIE
We always had a problem, Bernie.
Except the sex was so fucking good --

BERNIE
We can do this one of two ways.
You can turn yourself in, now --
and I’ll get the best fucking deal
I can for you, I promise.

CARRIE
And the second way?

BERNIE
You don’t want that.
It’s not pretty.

CARRIE
As Steve Martin said,
Comedy isn’t pretty.
And you’re forgetting the third way.

BERNIE
Carrie --

CARRIE
It’s called --
(realizes)
Eat shit and DIE, motherfucker.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Bernie hangs up.
Dials another number.

BERNIE
You get the location?
(beat)
Shit.

AYA
I told you.
You should have let me talk to her.
Now we don’t know where she is.

BERNIE
Shut THE FUCK up.
That’s my EX-WIFE,
who’s now a fugitive from the law.

AYA
You still have feelings for her.

PUSH IN ON Bernie.
In denial.

BERNIE
Shut the fuck up and drive.

IN THE BAR
Carrie wolfs down the greasy burger.
Axel watches, proud.

AXEL
The secret is what I put in the meat.
Some pepper, ground onion --
and Tabasco sauce.

CARRIE
If I wasn’t on the lam,
I’d fuck your brains out.

AXEL
On -- the lam?

CARRIE
I’ve been fingered.
Someone framed me for murder.
So now I have to go underground.
(realizes)
Shit. What do I do with my car --

AXEL
That’s a tough break.
(thinks)
Hey. I live right down the block.
And I have an empty garage.
I keep my hog in the living room
where it’s warm.

CARRIE
You’d -- do that for me?

AXEL
Did five years in Ossining.
Gang fight with another cycle club.
Ruled justifiable homicide,
but I had a kilo of smack
in the saddle bag.
Left the club after I got sprung.
Too old for that shit anymore.

He pours two shots.
They lift them in a toast --

CARRIE
Once an outlaw, always an outlaw.

AXEL
Something like that.

And they DOWN them.