Friday, February 4, 2011
Don't Ask, Don't Smell
Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In the final chapter of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spy sisters Cherry Nation and April street have their final showdown at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood with evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond ... their mother.
INT. KODAK THEATER - RAFTERS - NIGHT
Stops. Looks down. Smiles.
Pulls out twin guns. Takes aim.
Is that any way to speak to your MOTHER?
And she FIRES at them.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.
APRIL AND CHERRY
Duck. Bullets PING on the floor around them.
They return FIRE wildly in the direction of the shots.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.
RACES up the steps.
APRIL AND CHERRY
Can’t see a thing.
Hey. I’ve got an idea.
You go up the stairs and follow her,
and I’ll go up on that and head her off
on the other side --
ANGLE ON --
A small PLATFORM ELEVATOR on wheels.
What is it?
It goes up, for hanging the lights --
(off her stare)
I did summer stock theater.
Okay. Let’s do it.
April DASHES over to the stairs.
Starts climbing up.
Cherry races over to the mini-elevator, jumps on.
Grabs the control box.
Flips a switch -- and the platform starts rising.
UP IN THE RAFTERS
Honey walks on the runway, hands on the railing.
Gets to the top of the stairs.
Starts looking for Honey.
Platform reaches the top. Stops.
She carefully climbs off,
steps onto the runway at the other end.
Clicks her walkie.
(into the walkie)
I’m on the other side.
So am I. Ready when you are --
Honey Almond, we’ve got you SURROUNDED.
Throw your gun down so we can
take you in peacefully.
Honey looks the shadows.
Sees April at one end.
Cherry at the other. Sighs.
Looks down. Shakes her head.
We could have had so much fun.
Complete world domination.
A real family-run organization.
But NO. You REJECTED me. Your own MOTHER.
You don’t deserve to be called a MOTHER.
You’re a MONSTER. You kidnapped my CHILDREN.
Well, if you’re going to nitpick --
She starts FIRING at them.
April DUCKS, returns FIRE.
Cherry gets down, pulls out her gun.
But it’s hard to see in the dark.
Bullets PING, PING, PING off the rafters,
the cement walls.
Suddenly Honey JUMPS off the platform --
and PLUMMETS down.
ON THE STAGE FLOOR
Honey lands on what we now see is a large TRAMPOLINE.
She HITS the rubber with her feet, and FLIES BACK UP --
FIRING both guns at Cherry and April.
They DUCK down.
Start SHOOTING back at her.
What is this, the fucking CIRCUS?
Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey BUTT-FUCK.
into the rafters as Honey SOARS.
SHOOTING both guns at them.
She reaches the top, FIRES again,
then PLUMMETS back down.
April and Cherry stop firing.
Watch her go down.
April picks up her walkie.
Clicks it on.
Cherry, pick up. I’ve got an idea.
I’m all ears --
You have any of those fire bombs?
I’ve got one left.
Exactly. DO IT, NOW --
ON THE STAGE
Honey HITS the rubber again,
goes FLYING back up.
Pulls a small grenade-looking
steel ball out of her pocket.
HURLS it down.
It WHIZZES through the air.
Reaches the rafters again.
Starts FIRING again.
But the girls lay low,
bracing themselves for the explosion.
Come out, come out, wherever YOU ARE --
HITS the trampoline. It EXPLODES. BANG.
The rubber mat goes FLYING in tiny pieces.
Hits the top. Begins her descent. Looks down.
NOT good --
She PLUMMETS, and HITS
the stage floor, SPLAT. Lights out.
APRIL AND CHERRY
Look down at Honey’s ruined body.
Laying at an odd angle,
like a broken rag doll.
A pool of blood forms around her.
Hasta la vista, parental unit.
EXT. KODAK THEATER - FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
Cherry and April walk out the front door.
See a SWARM of FBI agents. COPS. MEDIA.
A crowd of ONLOOKERS behind barricades.
Sunday and Max approach them
with the girls.
Aura and Amber break free
and RUN into Cherry’s arms.
My little angels --
Was the FBI lady nice to you?
Yeah. She only said the F-word once.
Sorry about that.
I’m -- not around kids that much.
(to April and Cherry)
You can send in the clean-up crew.
You two should be proud.
Yeah, well --
it’ll be nice to go out with a bang.
She wants to quit the agency.
Maybe you can help me talk her out of it.
There’s NOTHING anybody can say
that’s gonna change my mind.
Sunday’s phone RINGS.
She answers it.
Sparks here --
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Clint stands, holding his cell phone.
Looks out the window.
Just got the news.
Good job, Sparks.
Oh, and by the way --
your secret’s safe with me.
What -- secret?
Your extracurricular activities?
No wonder the marriage didn’t work out.
(off his silence)
We’ve been uploading all her files.
I still believe in
'don’t ask, don’t smell.'
IF I get a promotion.
Consider it done --
I’ve got the President on the line.
He wants to speak to Street and Nation.
Hold on. I’ll get them.
She cups the phone.
Looks at April and Cherry.
I’ve got someone that
wants to speak to you.
Can you take a message?
We’re kinda wiped out
from saving the free world.
(shrugs, into the phone)
I’m sorry, Mr. President,
but they’re tied up at the --
THE PRESIDENT? Gimmee that --
(GRABS the phone from Sunday)
Hello, Mr. President?
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
The President lies in bed in his bathrobe.
CNN is on with the sound off.
THE FIRST LADY is next to him,
Ms. Nation? Or is this Ms. Street?
Cherry Nation, Mr. President.
Please. Call me Buck.
Okay, Buck --
Can you put your sister
on the phone, too?
Uh, yeah -- sure.
He wants to talk to you, too.
April nods. Comes over.
Puts her ear next to Cherry’s.
She’s here --
I’d like to thank you two
for taking care of the threat
against the security of the White House --
And I’m going to give you
The Congressional Medal of Honor.
Holy SHIT. I mean -- thank you.
My office will call you back
and make the arrangements, okay?
Yes, sir, Mr. -- Buck.
Thank you again.
Have a good night.
Yes, sir. Thank you. Bye.
She hangs up. In awe.
Hands the phone back to Sunday.
They’re gonna give us
The Congressional Medal Of Honor --
Still want to quit?
Mommy, you CAN’T quit.
Nobody likes a QUITTER.
We need you to keep the world SAFE.
From the mouths of babes --
Alright, okay. You guys win.
But I’m taking A LOT of time off.
A month, at least.
Take two --
You know what, I just might --
And I need some counseling.
I mean, we just killed our MOTHER.
That’s intense shit.
Does our medical cover that?
(off her nod)
And another thing.
I REALLY need to get laid --
Their voices fade as they
continue sparring, as we --
FADE TO BLACK