The French Tickler

Happy Hump Day, hardboiled humpsters. You say you're feeling a bit disgruntled? Downtrodden? Ready to blow your stack? Then why not blow off some steam at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling!

In today's rip-roaring chapter of the adrenaline-packed spy thriller NOWHERE GIRLS, The Bagger and his merry band of assassins are hot on the trail of our heroes, Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation, who are right now holed up at the safe house tending to their wounds ...


INT. BUGS’ SUV - NIGHT
Bugs sits behind the wheel.
Looks at The Bagger quizzically.

BUGS
Did you clear it with Honey?

BAGGER
Hell, no. Mind your own business.
You’re the DRIVER, that’s it.
So if you know what’s good for you, zip the lip.
This is MY op.

BUGS
But --

A soft RAP-RAP-RAP on the tinted window.
Bagger rolls it down, revealing -- Lemon.
She leans in the window.

BAGGER
Hey there, worker bee.
Ready to dive bomb the hive?

LEMON
Take me to your honey pot.

She opens the rear door.
Hops in. Looks at Bugs.

LEMON
Wow. This must be big.
We’ve got a driver and everything.

BUGS
I’m not a DRIVER.
I’ll have you know I’m clearance level six.
(to The Bagger)
You can’t expect me to believe
Lady Gaga here is an OPERATIVE.

BAGGER
My dear boy, this is Lemon LeBon.
She can kill a man in six languages.

LEMON
Seven, actually.

She reaches forward,
PINCHES a spot on Bugs’ temples.

LEMON
Umrijeti!

He HOWLS with pain.
SWATS her hand away.

BUGS
OW. What the fuck was THAT?

LEMON
Sibenik death grip.
All the rage in Croatia.
Don’t leave eastern Europe without it.

BAGGER
Enough foreplay.
Let’s rock the fucking ROLL.
We have terrorists to seduce.
VAGINAS to capture.

Bugs puts the car in gear.
Switches on the GPS.
Starts driving. Mutters to himself.

BUGS
I just HAD to leave the CIA --

INT. BIBI’S SAFE HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
Bibi lies on the couch on her side.
Serge has drawn a red circle on her neck.
He sterilizes the scalpel in alcohol.

SERGE
Ingenious.
They disguised the entry wound as a birthmark.

BIBI
No. That is real birthmark.
They took it off, then put it back on.

SERGE
Like I said. Ingenious --

IN THE KITCHEN AREA
Cherry huddles with April.
The enormity of what’s happening is finally sinking in.

APRIL
How you holding up?

CHERRY
If they hurt my kids, so help me god,
there’s gonna be HELL to pay.

APRIL
We’ll get this Honey Almond character, trust me.

CHERRY
But how?

APRIL
(looks at Bibi)
The answer’s right under our noses.

CHERRY
You mean the French tickler?

APRIL
Yeah. I can’t put my finger on it exactly,
but I think something might be rotten
in the state of Denmark.

Pause.

CHERRY
Maybe she was in deep cover
on an op and got exposed.

APRIL
You mean the story she gave us
about quitting is bogus?
That’s she’s still on an op?

CHERRY
Well, isn’t that how WE operate?
Always keep ‘em guessing?

APRIL
So we keep an eye on her --

CHERRY
She can lead us to who’s got my kids.
We have to trust her.

APRIL
For now. Let’s see how it plays out.
(beat)
She DID save our asses.

SERGE (O.C.)
That’s it, all done. As good as new.

The girls turn, look.
Bibi sits on the couch
with a bandage on her neck.
Smiles at the girls brightly.

BIBI
(sings)
I am stuck on Band-Aid,
and Band-Aid fucked with me --