Don't Shoot The Messenger

Happy St. Patrick's day, crime kids! Consuming mass quantities of booze? Partying your ass off? Then why not take a pit stop at the coolest joint in cyberspace, where the action is hot, and the chicks are cold ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's chapter from NOWHERE GIRLS, where the going gets tough, and the tough get fucked up ...

First up, black ops spook Honey Almond shoots an agent that brings her bad news. Meanwhile, Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation are coerced into making Honey's ransom demands with the President at the White House ...


INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT
Sultry female operative JERKS her head.
Listens to her headset. Turns pale.

SULTRY FEMALE OP
Chief, we have a problem --

Honey looks up from her laptop. Grimaces.

HONEY
WHAT?

SULTRY FEMALE OP
It’s Bibi. She’s on the line with Cherry and April.
And she just exposed the whole op.

HONEY
WHAT THE FUCK?

SULTRY FEMALE OP
What do we do now?

HONEY
What do we do NOW? Stupid bitch.

She pulls out a Walther PPK. Aims it at Sultry.

SULTRY FEMALE OP
Hey. Don’t shoot the messenger.

She FIRES. BANG. BANG. BANG.
Sultry falls over, dead.

HONEY
Whoops. No golden parachute --
(turns, looks at Rock)
The Bagger still on the Gaza Strip?

ROCK
He’s done there. Now on a flight to Dubai.

HONEY
Those camel jockeys can wait. Divert his flight.
Have him take out that French tart.

ROCK
What about Cherry Nation and April Street?

HONEY
Don’t worry.
They’re about to get caught in a shit storm
that’ll make nine-eleven
look like a Sarah Palin photo op.

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
A group of SECRET SERVICE AGENTS
stand in a circle around Akyab and Vicki.
Weapons aimed at them.

AKYAB
Stupid fools. If you shoot, we all die.

VICKI
And we get virgins. You DON’T.

The President, the VP and his Chief of Staff stand nearby.

THE PRESIDENT
Tell us your demands.
Please. We’ll do anything you say.

AKYAB
I told you. We are waiting for phone call.

A phone RINGS in the President’s pocket.
He pulls it out. Looks at it, astonished.

THE PRESIDENT
How did they get my --
(answers it)
Hello?

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. CHERRY AND APRIL’S JOINT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April sit on the couch.
Lean into the speakerphone.
Look at each other. Bug-eyed.

APRIL
Mr. President?

THE PRESIDENT
Yes. Who is this?

VP and Chief of Staff listen on their phones.
VP nods at a VICIOUS-LOOKING SPOOK
who is furiously PUNCHING commands on his I-phone.
He nods back. Smiles, grim.

APRIL
My name isn’t important.
Let’s just say that I’m
a member of the intelligence community.
The people behind this have kidnapped my children,
and are forcing me to make this call --

THE PRESIDENT
Do you expect me to believe --

APRIL
PLEASE. I know you’re tracing this call,
and there’s a chance you might not believe me.

Cherry looks at her watch.

THE PRESIDENT
Go on, then --

APRIL
(reads from a sheet of paper)
You are to immediately release
all of the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay,
as well as all suspected terrorists
currently incarcerated on US soil --

CHERRY
(whispers)
Five seconds --

APRIL
And, you are to immediately
pull all US troops out of the middle east.

CHERRY
NOW.

APRIL
Thanks, Mr. President -- BYE.
(beat)
Sorry --

She hangs up. Gasps. Looks at Cherry.

CHERRY
One second over.

APRIL
Shit. We better get the fuck outta here.

The girls JUMP off the couch.
Then hear the CLACK-CLACK-CLACK
of stiletto heels in the foyer.
They turn their heads.

BIBI LA SALLE
Walks into the room. Imperious. Regal.

BIBI
Bon jour, mon ami.

CHERRY
You must be -- Bibi.

BIBI
(nods)
You have bag packed for emergency exit?

APRIL
Of course. But how did you get here so fast?

BIBI
Trade secret. Come, we must hurry.
We only have a couple minutes
before this joint becomes HURT LOCKER --