Accidents Will Happen

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Onto today's rip-roaring chapter of NOWHERE GIRLS, where ...

Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation make their escape from the terrorists with a little help from the mysterious Bibi La Salle. Meanwhile, black ops assassin The Bagger starts making his plans to get them ...


EXT. PACIFIC AVENUE - NIGHT
A VW BUS chugs along up the coastal thoroughfare.

INT. VW BUS - CONTINUOUS
Bibi’s behind the wheel. April sits next to her.
Cherry sits behind April, shivering in the cold.

CHERRY
I’m fucking freezing.
Are we almost there?

BIBI
Oui. Just another couple of blocks.

APRIL
So what’s the deal with Honey Almond?
Why is she setting us up?

BIBI
I don’t know.
(looks at April)
Honey has two kinds of ops.
They’re either for profit -- or personal.

APRIL
I don’t understand.
There can’t be any profit in setting us up --

CHERRY
Yeah, and it can’t be personal,
because we’ve never met her.

BIBI
Maybe you hurt someone close to her.

APRIL
Well, that only narrows it down
to a few hundred people.

EXT. VENICE CAFE - AT THAT MOMENT
The Bagger sits at an outdoor table with a cup of coffee.
Fingering his I-Phone. Stares at the tiny monitor.

BAGGER
(reads)
Seventy-four virgins, on demand?

ON THE SCREEN
We see a porno website. GIRLS OF AL QAEDA.
Captions under pictures of HOT IRANIAN WOMEN
read ONE HUMP OR TWO.
WANNA GO TO PARADISE?
COME ENTER MY WAILING WALLS.
BIRKA BABIES.
THE BAGGER

Shakes his head with wonder.

BAGGER
Be still my mosque --

A MAN IN BLACK (20’s) approaches the table.
Tall, rugged, in shades. Textbook Langley.
He takes a seat. Removes his shades.
Cold, humorless blue eyes stare at him.

MAN IN BLACK
Ms. Otis sends her regrets.

The Bagger takes a sip of coffee.
Stares back.

BAGGER
It’s 'Miss' Otis, fool.

Man in Black looks around furtively, then --

MAN IN BLACK
(whispers)
That’s not what you’re supposed to say.

BAGGER
I KNOW that. But you got it WRONG.
It’s 'Miss' Otis, NOT MS.

Pause.

MAN IN BLACK
MISS Otis sends her regrets.

The Bagger takes another,
longer sip of coffee.

BAGGER
Such a pity about Simon Cowell.

MAN IN BLACK
(nods)
Hare, sir. Reporting for duty.

BAGGER
(rubs his head)
HAIR? What kind of name is THAT?

HARE
No, sir. H-a-r-e, like the rabbit.

BAGGER
Well, I’m not going to call you HARE.
What’s your first name?

HARE
Howard, sir. But most people call me --
(grimaces)
Bugs.

BAGGER
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

HARE
How do you think I feel?
You don’t know what it’s like.
Everyone comes up to me
and says 'what’s up, doc?'
Drives me fucking crazy.

The Bagger nods his head slowly.
Sips his coffee. Then --

BAGGER
So you have the GPS?

HARE
Yes. It’s in my vehicle.

BAGGER
What? It’s not hand-held?

HARE
Well, I suppose you could remove it. But --
I’m supposed to drive you, give you back-up.
(low, conspiratorial)
It would be an honor, sir.
I’ve the stories about your work.
Tell me. Is it true about --
(looks around, then whispers)
Michael Jackson?

The Bagger takes another sip.
Smiles silkily.

BAGGER
Michael Jackson died of an overdose of Propofol,
a powerful anaesthesia.
The coroner determined that his death
was not the result of foul play.

HARE
But isn’t that your M-O?
To make it look like an accident?

BAGGER
Well, you know that Elvis Costello song?

HARE
Uh, no.

BAGGER
Accidents Will Happen --