Our Dicks Are Bigger Than Yours

Happy Friday, crime freaks. Welcome to the land that time forgot. A place where your darkest desires become sins of the flesh. Where your most unspeakable, depraved dreams can come true ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto todays' joint from LEGS, where the chicks are creamin', the action is steamin', and the bad guys are teaming ...

Just as private eye Carrie Love and undercover Interpol spook Felina Bella Donna are about to capture demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer, insane CIA black ops agent The Bagger shows up on the scene, with some major firepower ...

INT. KLAUS' SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT

Carrie WHIPS out her Glock. Aims it at Klaus. SHRIEKS with anger.

CARRIE

Shut the fuck up, you fucking headhunter!

You killed her! And now I've got you!

(clicks the safety)

Yippee-kai-yay, motherfucker.

The lights flicker. Go out.

IN THE DARK

KLAUS (O.C.)

It would appear the playing field is now level, my hysterical one.

CARRIE (O.C.)

Shut up! Just shut the fucking fuck up!

Twin ultra violet rays ILLUMINATE Klaus and Samms.

ANGLE ON:

Felina. Sporting high-tech headgear.

FELINA

Never leave home without it.

CARRIE

Thanks for shedding a little light on the subject, agent Bella Donna.

Carrie steps into the high beams.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

I'm really starting to groove on this spy shit.

She aims her weapon at Klaus’ head. CLICK-CLICK.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

It's funny, I've never killed a man before --

but now I'm getting kinda wet.

FELINA

Carrie, no! We need him alive.

An insane MALE VOICE cackles in the dark.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)

And so do I.

A strobe FLASHES.

It's THE BAGGER. With a rocket launcher.

And CINDY. Cradling a bazooka.

THE BAGGER

Nobody fucking move.

CINDY

Or we'll rock your world.

KLAUS

Norman, is that you?

THE BAGGER

Ladies, put your weapons down.

Before I give you a fourth input.

Their guns CLATTER to the floor.

CINDY

Looks like our dicks are bigger than yours.

THE BAGGER

Kick them over here.

They do.

THE BAGGER (CONT'D)

Okay, chickies, on the floor, face up.

So I can see your boobs.

CINDY

Norman? Your name is Norman?

THE BAGGER

Hello, Klaus -- been a long time.

JOREL

slowly crawls on the floor.

KLAUS

steps down from the camera dolly.

KLAUS

I haven't seen you since that Chuck Manson thing.

You're not still mad at me, are you?

How was I to know you had the hots for Miss Tate?

THE BAGGER

I'm not here to rehash ancient history, Speer --

I'm here to bring you in.

(beat)

Unfortunately, alive.

JOREL

inches toward the crucifix.

FELINA AND CARRIE

lie on the floor.

FELINA

(whispers)

When I say "now."

KLAUS

maintains his cool.

KLAUS

My studio has become quite profitable, Norman.

We could make a deal, perhaps a partnership.

I could use someone with your -- skills.

SAMMS

pulls a pistol from the small of his back.

CINDY

taps a stiletto heel impatiently.

CINDY

What is this, fucking prom night?

All this talking's making my trigger finger a little antsy.

(beat)

Norman.

JOREL

reaches a torch lying on the floor.

THE BAGGER

(to Cindy)

Don't call me Norman, bitch!

(to Klaus)

The only deal you're gonna get is on KY jelly

where you're going, Speer. Assume the position.

On the floor, face down, hands on your head.

Klaus starts to move. Samms moves faster. GRABS him.

SHOVES a gun in Klaus' mouth.

SAMMS

I personally kinda like the idea of a deal.

(to Klaus)

Sorry, chief. No hard feelings?

JOREL

lights the torch. Tosses it at the crucifix.

JOREL

How'd you like a little fire, scarecrow?

THE BAGGER

WHIPS his weapon at the commotion.

THE BAGGER

What the fuck?

CINDY

(points weapon at Samms)

Don't move!

FELINA

pokes Carrie.

FELINA

Now --

CARRIE

clicks the cartridge.

Smoke starts POURING OUT.

FELINA (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Throw it, throw it!

She CHUCKS it.

ANGLE ON:

The tiny silver missile lands at the Bagger's feet.

THE BAGGER

SHIT, that’s an Israeli TACTICAL SUPPRESSOR!

HOLD YOUR EARS!

The bomb SCREAMS a decibel-splitting SHRIEK.

CINDY

JESUS FUCKING MARY!