Are We Happy Now?

Happy fucking Monday, hardboiled-pulp hipsters. Are you ready for an all-out assault to your senses? Ready for a swift kick in the head? Then get your dirty little asses over to the only crime scene in town ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's action-paced episode from LEGS, where the going gets tough, and the tough get going ... to hell.

Private eye Carrie Love and black ops Interpol spook Felina Bella Donna make their escape from the clutches of demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer ... while insane, defrocked CIA operative The Bagger, and his crossdressing junior assassin Cindy close in on Klaus, and prepare to do a little 'open-air surgery' ...

EXT. KLAUS' ESTATE - GROUNDS - NIGHT

Carrie and Feling RUN down the stairs -- past the pool --

the patio -- the main house -- then down wooden steps going downhill --

Which end at a deck at the edge of the cliff.

A blue-lit Jacuzzi bubbles invitingly.

FELINA

I bet the water in there is like egg drop soup.

CARRIE

Probably get knocked up just getting in.

An explosion BOOMS behind them. They turn and look.

EXT. KLAUS’ GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

A big hole BLASTS through the roof.

Machine gun fire sprays. Shouting.

Another EXPLOSION.

CARRIE AND FELINA

watch the carnage.

CARRIE

I’m in a Jason Statham movie.

FELINA

I was so fucking close. So fucking close.

CARRIE

Don't worry. We're gonna get that motherfucker.

I'm gonna have his balls for breakfast.

(takes her hand, kisses it)

C'mon, super-spy, we gotta cruise.

EXT. KLAUS’ ESTATE - POOL - NIGHT

The water is still. Black.

A pipe pokes through the surface.

A shadowy figure below.

Cindy marches onto the diving board with her bazooka.

The lights flick on, revealing Klaus under the surface.

CINDY

You were right, Norman. He's in the pool.

(to herself)

Like shooting frogs in a barrel.

(to Klaus)

Up periscope, skipper --

and lemmee see your torpedo.

Klaus surfaces.

CINDY (CONT'D)

Hey, little froggie, nice night for a dip?

The Bagger approaches.

Cradling his rocket launcher.

THE BAGGER

It's fish in a barrel, you dumb blonde.

And I told you not to call me Norman.

You call me Norman one more time

and I'll rip off your fake tits.

CINDY

(points weapon at him)

You try that, and I'll blow you a fourth input.

THE BAGGER

Hey. That's my expression.

And I only have two inputs.

(beat)

Just like you.

CINDY

Oh yeah?

THE BAGGER

Yeah.

CINDY

Whataya gonna do about it?

(beat)

NORMAN.

THE BAGGER

Fucking CUNT.

He FLIPS the bazooka to the left -- BLAM.

Cindy's pink Miatta EXPLODES in a ball of flames.

CINDY

is speechless. The junior assassin’s eyes fill with tears.

CINDY

I just made the last payment on my little Mary.

She starts SOBBING.

THE BAGGER

Hey, now. Don't cry. Please don't cry.

You know how I hate it when you cry.

CINDY

Y-you killed her.

THE BAGGER

What can I do to make it up to you, my little flower?

She thinks a moment.

Then brightens. Pulls out a scalpel.

CINDY

You can let me circumcise him.

Klaus freaks. Dives back under surface.

THE BAGGER

No, no, no -- we have to bring him in -- in one piece.

CINDY

Don't worry. I’ve done it before.

Pause.

THE BAGGER

Can I have the foreskin?

She gives him a thumbs up.

THE BAGGER (CONT'D)

Are we happy now?

She nods excitedly. Eyes sparkling.