Luc Besson, Eat Your Heart Out

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Are you looking for some cheap, sleazy thrills? A little hardboiled pulp action to brighten your day? Then you've come to the right place, where the chicks are smokin' hot, and the drinks are stone cold ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LEGS, and boy, is this one a motherfucker.

TWO big shock reveals today, kiddies. First up, private eye Carrie Love is stunned to discover that 'dominatrix to the stars' Felina Bella Donna is actually a foreign agent, sent in 'undercover' to bring down demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer ... and is now asking for Carrie's help ...

Then, we discover that Klaus' perverted crew member Michael Samms is also an agent, for an unnamed U.S. black ops unit ...

Better hold on tight, crime hipsters, 'cause things are about to fucking EXPLODE.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - NIGHT

A surprisingly good castle dungeon set. Dry ice billows.

Moonlight shines through a barred window.

Keko is tied to a giant wooden crucifix on a platform.

Tourniquet around his thigh. Out cold.

Klaus adjusts the camera lens.

KLAUS

Luc Besson, eat your heart out.

Felina ties Carrie's wrists to a chair.

CARRIE

Some date you turned out to be.

FELINA

(under her breath)

Listen carefully, Carrie.

The dominatrix bit is a cover.

I'm an agent with CO-2,

a clandestine Interpol black ops unit.

We've been after this freak for years,

and now I've almost got him --

but I need your help.

(meaningfully)

Comprende?

Carrie’s stunned. Turns her head. Huh?

FELINA

(whispers)

Don't get me wrong.

I still want to fuck your brains out.

CARRIE

But --

FELINA

Shhh. Time for my kittie cat to be strong.

Carrie’s mind reels. Eyes well up. Her lip trembles.

Felina crouches. Ties rope around her ankles.

FELINA

Just do exactly as I say,

and we’ll get out of this alive. Okay?

She nods. Felina caresses her bare ankles,

goes up her calf. Carrie writhes with pleasure.

ON THE CRUCIFIX

Keko slowly comes to. Feels pain.

Sees what they've done to him.

The kindling and wood at his feet.

KEKO

You've got to be the most fucked up

human being who ever walked the earth!

Klaus shoves a mag of film into the camera.

KLAUS

Stop flirting with me.

I'm still not going to sleep with you.

KEKO

My precinct knows where I am,

they'll be here any minute --

let's talk, I can get you a deal --

KLAUS

What do you take me for, a studio executive?

(to Samms)

Mr. Samms, gag the bitch.

She's become quite tiresome.

KEKO

Don't you know what happens when a cop gets killed?

Samms shoves a ball gag in Keko's mouth.

KLAUS

The audience award at Sundance.

JOREL

A distribution deal.

SAMMS

You shoot your load.

FELINA

slips a silver penlight-like object in Carrie's hands.

CARRIE

You want my autograph?

FELINA

It's an assault weapon. You click it like a pen.

They lock eyes. Carrie is terrified.

FELINA

I know. I've been trained to hide my fear.

CARRIE

I’ve been trained to wet my panties.

KLAUS

looks in the camera lens.

KLAUS

Let’s get jiggy for it. Places please!

JOREL

appears on the platform, in executioner's robes.

JOREL

(gravely, to Keko)

Pleased to meet you, the name's Death.

Care for a game of chess?

SAMMS

sits behind the board. Punches a series of buttons.

An ethereal, Gothic chant pulsates.

SAMMS

We be getting medieval now.

KLAUS

looks into the lens. Adjusts it.

KLAUS

Light the tribal torch.

JOREL

ignites it. Touches it to the kindling.

SAMMS

hears something.

Cocks his head. Touches his ear.

INT. PENTAGON - BRIEFING ROOM - NIGHT

A dozen FEDERAL AGENTS sit around a huge conference table.

The BUREAU CHIEF barks into the speakerphone.

BUREAU CHIEF

That was a direct order! Answer me!

Static, silence.

BUREAU CHIEF (CONT’D)

If you do not respond --

we’ll have no choice but to terminate with extreme prejudice.

They stare at the speaker box.

SAMMS (O.C.)

(over static)

Hello? I can barely hear you --

ANGRY AGENT

Fucking freaky, perverted son-of-a-bitch.

We never should have put him back in the field.

Samms whispers into his wristwatch.

SAMMS

Could you repeat that?

You're breaking up on me.

INT. KLAUS’ PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

Carrie watches the flames. We see the fire in her eyes.

A soaring, sexy, dramatic overture starts. CARRIE’S THEME.

CARRIE (V.O.)

The walls were closing in on me.

I was watching lover number three about to die.

Broiled on the spit like a rotisserie chicken.

Coming soon to a theater near you.

(beat)

Funny thing was -- I felt nothing.

I was in shock, in overdrive.

Phasers set to “stunned.”

(beat)

I had two choices.

I could completely lose it,

and have a raving lunatic padded-cell breakdown --

(beat)

Or I could get my shit together.

She STRAINS against the ropes. Urgggh. Argggh --

CARRIE (V.O.)

Like Linda Hamilton did

at the beginning of the third act of Terminator 2.

The bindings FLY APART.

CARRIE

Holy shit.

She LEAPS UP. Empowered.

Engulfed. Enraged.

CARRIE

Mother-Fucker!