Fast, Cheap & Out Of Control

Happy Hump Day, crime humps. Are you ready for a swift KICK to the solar plexus? A karate CHOP to your throat? Then you've come to the right place, where the chicks are hot, the drinks are cold, and the crime is hardboiled, with extra pulp ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LEGS, and this one's a real hum-dinger.

The plot thickens when lipstick lesbian private eye Carrie Love is hired to find a Stanley Kubrick-loving guy's missing wife, who turns out to be a crew member of a certain demented snuff film director ...

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

The score from A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. LOUD.

A bland suburban living room somewhere deep in the Valley.

MICHAEL SAMMS, (36) a piggy-eyed, shifty slug of a man,

sits on the couch watching TV, eating chips. Picking his foot.

We see on the coffee table a stack of DVD’s, a box of Kleenex --

and a tube of lubricant.

A phone RINGS. He ignores it, eyes glued to the screen.

ON TV

Malcolm MacDowell's eyes are viciously held open with clamps.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Samms gets up, walks, watching the screen.

SAMMS

Fucking Kubric. Fucking genius.

INT. SAMMS' KITCHEN - DAY

He listens to the answering machine.

KLAUS (O.C.)

Hello there, kinky sound man, it's your fearless leader.

The shoot's on for tomorrow at eleven. Be there or be square.

And don't forget to call the female dick. She's the next one.

EXT. SAMMS' DRIVEWAY - DUSK

Samms opens the mailbox, pulls out a large manila envelope.

SAMMS

(kisses it)

Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.

EXT. CARRIE'S PATIO - DUSK

A sexy, Chris Isaak-kinda croon washes over --

Carrie. Resplendent on a chaise, glorious in red lipstick,

shades and a killer bikini. Her tiny cell phone chirps.

INT. SAMMS' KITCHEN - DUSK

Samms talks on the phone, holds up a business card.

SAMMS

Yeah, hi -- is this "Carrie Love, Private Investigations" -- uh --

(squints at the card)

"Fast, cheap and out of control?"

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT. CARRIE'S PATIO - CONTINUOUS

CARRIE

(on the phone)

That's me.

SAMMS

That's a strange way to advertise your business.

CARRIE

It gets attention. You called me, didn't you?

(beat)

You still there?

SAMMS

Uh, yeah -- I need you to find my wife.

She's been missing since this morning.

She went to have lunch with a friend,

and I haven't seen or heard from her since.

No phone call, no message, no nothing. Zip.

(beat)

And she doesn't answer my text messages.

CARRIE

Wow. That’s serious.

SAMMS

How much you charge?

CARRIE

A hundred bucks a day. Plus expenses.

SAMMS

But your slogan is "fast, cheap --

CARRIE

Look, if you can't afford it,

then call the fucking cops.

But guess what --

they won't do jack shit

until a missing person is missing twenty four hours.

For all you know, your wife could be lying in a ditch

with a bullet in her head --

and you're worried about chump change?

SAMMS

Hey, no need for you to get nasty.

CARRIE

Darling, nasty is what you need.

Right now, your wife could be in the hands of a fucking psychopath.

Samms grins.

SAMMS

You take plastic?

EXT. CAFE TABLE - DUSK

A hand slaps a credit card on a restaurant bill.

CAMERA pulls back to reveal--

EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - THE COFFEE BEAN - PATIO - DAY

Sidewalk tables overflow with a hip, young crowd --

with a liberal sprinkling of Persian-trash.

Klaus and Jorel watch the flesh parade.

JOREL

That one, there. Check out those legs.

A glossy, reed-thin MODEL TYPE oozes by their table.

KLAUS

Her breasts are too small. I like nice, big, boobs.

(beat)

So, did you read the treatment?

JOREL

Of course I did. Are you fucking crazy?

The "Wheel of Misfortune?"

It's fucking ridiculous.

(lowers his shades)

And did you really think you could get me

to dress up like Vanna White?

KLAUS

Vanna White? Who said anything about Vanna White?

I want you to dress up like Idi Amin.

Pause.

JOREL

You have to keep bringing up my father, don't you.

EXT. CARRIE'S PATIO - DUSK

A gorgeous sunset lights up the horizon over the ocean.

Carrie and Samms sit on her patio sipping Coronas.

SAMMS

Sharon met her at an audition, they hit it off.

They were wearing the same shoes.

CARRIE

What kind?

SAMMS

Of shoes?

CARRIE

Yeah.

SAMMS

I dunno, some foreign name. Who cares?

CARRIE

I do. You can tell a lot about a woman from her shoes.

SAMMS

(thinks)

Man-olo --

CARRIE

Blahnik? Manolo Blahnik?

I tried on a pair of those once.

(a delicious memory)

What's the bim's name again?

SAMMS

Monica Lynn. She's a B-movie actress.

She does that direct to video shit,

you know, girls in bikinis with semi-automatic weapons.

Pure crap.

Pause.

CARRIE

I love those movies.

I thought she was great in "Operation Sunscreen."

She's gorgeous.

SAMMS

And a complete dyke.

Carrie lights a smoke. Burns with contempt.

CARRIE

Maybe they ran off together somewhere.

SAMMS

No way. I mean, Sharon's bi, but she's no lesbo.

Besides, she wasn't into Monica.

Sharon likes brunettes.

Brunettes with real tits.

She takes a long drag.

Exhales a taunting French curl.

CARRIE

That makes two of us.

Pause.

SAMMS

You're hired.