Dial M For Murder

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover Jett Targo have enacted their plan to kill Haven's husband Dart, but things soon go horribly wrong ...


INT. HOUSE BOAT - MAIN SALON - NIGHT
Jett GRABS Nola.
THROWS her across the room.

She HITS the wall with a sickening THWUMP.
BANGS onto the floor. Lights out.
A pool of BLOOD starts spreading.

HAVEN
Fucking nosy MIDGET.

JETT
(reels back, in shock)
What have I done?

Another, louder MOAN from upstairs.

HAVEN
NOW what are we gonna do?

JETT
You go upstairs and shut him the fuck up,
and I’ll care of -- the body.

HAVEN
But what am I supposed to --

JETT
I don’t know. But we got
to buy us some time, so I can --
(gestures at Nola)
Get rid of -- that.

Pause.

HAVEN
Wait a minute. Listen. Do you hear that?

JETT
Hear what? I don’t hear anything.

HAVEN
Exactly. He stopped --

They RACE up the stairs into --

DART’S BEDROOM
which is empty.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
What the fuck? Where did he --

JETT
(sees, points)
There he is. Out on the deck.

EXT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - ROOF DECK - CONTINUOUS
Dart stands at the railing. Bent over.

DART
Somebody -- HELP --

HAVEN
Dart, honey.
What are you doing out here?
You’ll catch your death of cold.

She starts to walk toward him,
but he freaks out.

DART
No -- you -- stay away -- away --

And, as he tries to move away from her,
he lurches backward, loses his footing,
slips, and FALLS OVER --

And HITS the inky black water with a SPLASH.

HAVEN
SHIT.

JETT
We’ve just been FUCKED.

HAVEN
What do we do NOW?

JETT
We gotta take care of -- the body.

They RACE downstairs. Jett looks around.
Sees her gym bag. Empties it out.

Goes over to Nola’s dead body.
Stuffs her in the bag.

Uses the gym clothes
to sop up the blood.

JETT (CONT’D)
You COULD help me out here --

HAVEN
Blood makes me -- freak out.
(looks around)
Wait a minute. Where’s Buster?

JETT
He must have run away.
We’ll look for him later.

HAVEN
Don’t bother. He was Dart’s dog.
Drove me fucking crazy.

Jett stuffs the bloody
clothes in the bag.

Goes to the sink.
Washes her hands.
Looks back at Haven.

JETT
As soon as I’m out the door, call 911.
Tell them as much of the truth as you can.
He had an attack. You didn’t hear it
because you were sleeping.
HAVEN
I’ve got it. I was listening to my Ipod.

JETT
Even better. Then, you went to check on him,
and he was out on the deck.

HAVEN
And he -- and he --

JETT
Got startled when you called out to him.

HAVEN
That’ll work.

JETT
It’ll have to work.

Jett dries off her hands.
Goes to Haven. Kisses her.

JETT (CONT'D)
I love you more than --

HAVEN
Enough to kill?

PUSH IN ON Jett.
Hugging Haven for dear life.

JETT
Straight down the line, baby.
(beat)
Straight down the line.

A Swell-Looking Dame

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of A DISH BEST KILLED, star-crossed murderous lesbians Haven Crayce and Jett Targo are in the middle of killing Haven's husband Dart, when they get interrupted by their neighbor, B-movie actress midget Nola Bliss, with deadly results ...


EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Jett dashes over to Haven. Worried.
Pulls her down the driveway
to where it ends at the canal.

JETT
What’s up? Did something go wrong?

HAVEN
He went into shock.
He’s having -- an attack.

JETT
That’s good, right?

HAVEN
Yeah, but he’s so -- loud. I’m scared.
I’m afraid he’s gonna wake up the
neighborhood, especially fucking Nola.
Can you come back to the boat with me?

JETT
Isn’t that kinda dangerous? What about --

HAVEN
It’s one in the morning.
Everyone’s lights are out.
(beat)
And I want to keep it that way.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Buster comes BOUNDING in.
Followed by Haven. Then Jett.

HAVEN
That’s what I’m telling you. Listen --

We hear low, ANGUISHED MOANING from upstairs.

JETT
What’s happening to him?

HAVEN
His body is screaming out for insulin,
but he’s not getting any,
so his blood sugar is plummeting.
He’s having seizures. Bad ones.

JETT
How long -- will it take for him to --

HAVEN
A couple hours. Maybe more. I dunno.
(beat)
They didn’t teach us about this
at the nursing academy.

JETT
What if you gave him a shot of insulin?
Make it look like you tried to save him?
What would happen?

HAVEN
If it’s in time, it would save his life.
(beat)
So how do I explain not helping him?

JETT
You went to sleep in the guest bedroom.
You weren’t feeling well --

HAVEN
But I can fucking HEAR him.

JETT
Not if you sleep with earplugs. I do.

Another MOAN. This time, LOUDER.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hello, is anybody home?

In walks NOLA. More than
a few sheets to the wind.

HAVEN
Nola, what are you doing here?

Another MOAN.

NOLA
What the fuck am I DOING HERE?
Your husband sounds like
he’s DYING up there.

HAVEN
He’s fine, it’s a new medication --

JETT
We’ve got it handled.

Nola stares. Quivering with anger.

NOLA
I know what’s going on between you too.
I’ve seen you fucking and sucking
like monkeys in the zoo.

HAVEN
You fucking BITCH --

JETT
Haven --

NOLA
And now you’re trying to KILL
him, for what? The INSURANCE MONEY?
Well, I’ve SEEN THAT MOVIE,
and you’re NOT getting AWAY with it.

She pulls out her cell phone.
Jett races over, GRABS it.

Nola starts POUNDING on
her chest with tiny fists.

NOLA (CONT’D)
No, STOP! Give that BACK!
Give that BACK!

JETT
Quiet, please! Let me explain!

NOLA
No! I’m gonna call the COPS!

JETT
(sees something)
Haven, NO!

HAVEN
stands behind Nola. Bends down, and
SHOVES a BUTCHER KNIFE in Nola’s back.
The little demon SCREAMS in pain.

NOLA
You STABBED ME! Fucking BITCH!

HAVEN
FUCK YOU! Fucking MIDGET!

Incensed, in shock, Nola turns
and ATTACKS Haven like a wild animal,
BITING, KICKING, SCRATCHING.

Haven tries to fight back, but she’s
no match against the tiny terror.

NOLA
I’m gonna fucking KILL YOU!

HAVEN
No, STOP!

JETT
Leave HER ALONE!

Jett GRABS Nola.
THROWS her across the room.

She HITS the wall with a sickening
THWUMP. BANGS onto the floor. Lights out.
A pool of BLOOD starts spreading.

HAVEN
Fucking nosy MIDGET --

A Place in the Sun

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce puts in motion a series of events that will kill her elderly, retired film director husband Dart. Meanwhile, her illicit lesbian lover Jett Targo waits for the inevitable at home ... until Haven shows up and tells her something has gone horribly wrong ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Haven threads a film into the projector.
Dart watches from his bed.
He bites into a small cookie, chews.

DART
A Place in the Sun.
Haven’t seen that picture in years.
(weird smile)
That Liz Taylor -- she was a pip.
A real pip.

HAVEN
Liz Taylor? Isn’t she a little -- big?

DART
My god, are you dense.
When Liz Taylor was
young, in her prime,
she was the most
beautiful woman in Hollywood.

He reaches over to the bedside table.
Grabs another cookie.

HAVEN
(sees this)
That’s your last cookie, Dart.
We don’t want your sugar spiking.

She finishes with the projector.
Pulls a packet of batteries
out of her pocket.

We see the package
has been taped closed.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Okay. Time to change
the battery on your pump.

DART
Again? So soon?

HAVEN
Silly boy.
You know we change
the battery every Sunday.
And with all the excitement
about your coming home,
I forgot this morning.

Haven goes to Dart,
pulls up his night shirt.

An INSULIN PUMP hangs on the
waistband of his pajama bottoms.

As Haven changes the battery,
Dart grabs another cookie. Hides it.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
(CLICKS it in place)
Okay, that -- does it.
(arranges his shirt)
And now it’s show time.

DART
(wistfully)
A Place in the Sun --

Haven shuts off the lights.
Starts the projector.

Gets her cocktail from
the bedside table. Sits.

ON THE SCREEN
we see the film start.
n glorious black and white.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT - BALCONY - NIGHT
Lit by a gas lamp.
Jett sits at a small cafe
table with a laptop.

A half-dozen empty beer
bottles litter the surface.

She lights a smoke.
Looks intently at the screen.

ON THE SCREEN
we see a scene from
THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE.

LANA TURNER, resplendent in a
white one-piece bathing suit,
sashays down the stairs.
Stops. James Garfield leers.

JAMES GARFIELD (V.O.)
With my brains and your looks,
we could really go places --

JETT
looks at her wistfully.
Takes a pull from her longneck.

JETT
I’ll have to get Haven one of those.

Her cell phone BRING-RINGS.
She picks it up.

JETT (CONT’D)
This is Jett.

HAVEN (V.O.)
It’s me.

JETT
Hello, you. What’s up?

HAVEN (V.O.)
I need to see you.

JETT
But I thought --

HAVEN (V.O.)
It’s an emergency. Dart, he --
(beat)
I’m right outside. Can I come up?

Jett looks, sees --

HAVEN
standing in the driveway down below.
With Buster on a leash.

Small and scared-looking.
She waves, a hopeful half-smile.

JETT
My place is a mess.
I’ll be right down --

No Place To Run

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of A DISH BEST KILLED, murderous lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo has to deal with an unwanted visitor -- Rush Madder, tweaked on an eight-day binge, now looking for a place to crash ...


EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Jett pulls out her keys.
Opens her mailbox.

Sifts through the envelopes.
Unlocks, opens the front door.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Jett --

She WHIRLS around, sees --

RUSH MADDER
in the shadows of the front porch.

JETT
WHAT?
(beat)
Jesus fucking Christ,
you scared the shit out of me.

RUSH
Jett, please -- I need your help.

JETT
I asked you to stay away from me.
I’ll call the fucking cops
if you don’t leave, now.

RUSH
I’ve been -- up for eight days.
I need, need to -- need to crash.

JETT
EIGHT days?

RUSH
Please, Jett.
I just need to -- to crash for awhile.
Then I promise I’ll go. I promise.
(beat)
I need your help. Please.

JETT
Can’t you sleep in your car?

RUSH
In this neighborhood? In MY car?
(off her stare)
I’ll be good. I promise.
I just -- need to sleep.

Pause.

JETT
Goddammit.
(beat)
Give me your car keys.

RUSH
My -- keys?

JETT
Yeah. So you can’t rip me off
and split in the middle of the night.

RUSH
(weak smile, tosses his keys)
How big is your couch?